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We Found Your Muaka, Tahu


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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Trad

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Posted Oct 23 2012 - 03:18 AM

Tahu, we found your Muaka. Don't go ignorant on us. We know its yours. I've asked around and found a Rahi to Matoran translator. He told me it was yours, Tahu. You know that Rahi can't lie. And you know that Toa are supposed to be good people.It was brought to us by a Matoran who found it in the desert. It was almost half-dead and was starving. It was a bag of bones and skin. It had worms, and its leg was broken. I don't want to know what you've been feeding it. In fact, did you feed it at all? Did you actually take care of it, give it the love it needed or did you just kick it outside your hut and left it to fend for itself?I'm inclined to believe its the latter. It clung on to me when I picked it up. You didn't give it the love it needed, in fact, you made it know only pain and suffering. You cruel monster, how in Mata Nui's name can you call yourself a Toa when you can treat an innocent, loving Rahi like this? It has the intelligence of a three year old Gukko fledgling and it wasn't its fault that it fell under Makuta's influence.In fact, you're far worse compared to the Makuta. We all now know that all that "kindness" of yours is just an act. Makuta didn't even beat or starve them, but that's what you did. Don't you deny it. We all know. Possibly even Mata Nui, asleep as he is.One more thing. I've been asking among your fellow Toa. They were quick to tell me everything. They didn't do anything against you, out of respect for you, but now they had enough. They've told me that the Muaka was one of the many Rahi that was abused at your hands. Gali told me how you threatened to kill her when she tried to stop you from beating the little Muaka. Lewa told me how you kicked the Brakas whenever you lost your temper. Onua broke down and cried while telling me about the Ussal. Pohatu and Kopaka were silent for a moment, out of respect of the Kane-Ra that they buried in the snow outside Ko-Koro.And here's something else. The Turaga had been convening at Kini Nui when I was writing this letter to you. They have now reached a unanimous decision concerning you. You are too evil not be put down. You are going to have to die tonight, Tahu.Goodbye, you evil maniac. I hope Karzahni does something horrible to you, in retribution to what you have done.Yours sincerely,AtraNow, I know this may be a bit hard for some, but I wanted to write this thing for a long time. Especially after reading about numerous animal abuse cases.
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#2 Online Sir Kohran

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Posted Oct 23 2012 - 07:09 AM

Whilst I do not in any way condone animal abuse, I did find this fairly contrived and over the top.Firstly, why would Toa keep pets?

It clung on to me when I picked it up.

how in Mata Nui's name can you call yourself a Toa when you can treat an innocent, loving Rahi like this?

Gali told me how you threatened to kill her when she tried to stop you from beating the little Muaka.

Are you aware of how big and dangerous Muaka are? They loom over Matoran and stand almost head to head with Toa, and are a threat to both.

The Turaga had been convening at Kini Nui when I was writing this letter to you. They have now reached a unanimous decision concerning you. You are too evil not be put down.You are going to have to die tonight, Tahu.

Is this not just a touch ridiculous?I get the point you're trying to make in this story, and I applaud you for tackling a serious issue, but I think it would've been far more believable and effective had it concerned a Matoran mistreating a small and docile Rahi.

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#3 Offline Trad

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Posted Oct 23 2012 - 09:54 AM

I know, but I just wrote this on a spur of the moment thing.Thanks, though. I'll keep that in mind.
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#4 Offline Aderia

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Posted Nov 06 2012 - 10:09 PM

Salutations! =)I want to start right off and say that I appreciate your story here. Before I go more in depth on that, I want to get a few nitpicks out of the way.

We know its yours.

and

I'm inclined to believe its the latter.

Both 'its' are contractions, not possessive pronouns, and thus deserve an apostrophe. It took me forever to get that rule down.

It was almost half-dead and was starving.

This sentence was a bit redundant.Anyways, the fact that you took a problem from real life, internalized it, and spat it back up in the form of a story is great. It's the sign of a good writer. Also, as I saw you stated, this was written as a spur of the moment story. That being said, it was an effective story. I say that because one of the main reasons authors choose to write is to convey a point, or illustrate their opinions. You have done this very well.You were able to bend the issue to fit a Bionicle theme, which I have to appreciate, since its not the easiest thing to do. I know that from experience. There's no question that this piece is intended to play on the reader's emotions. And the fact that it is pulled off with what are essentially robots who can shoot fire out of their hands, is no small feat to take on.Another thing that I wanted to comment on is the style in which the story is written: a letter. We don't see that every day in the library, and I think you did a decent job.Now, keep in mind that, overall, I really did like the spirit in which it was written. Some days, I can't stand my own family if I get home and see the cat and dog haven't been fed. But there are some important things I wanted to point out about the story's substance.The first thing I wanted to touch upon was actually mentioned before, and I'll quote it for you.

The Turaga had been convening at Kini Nui when I was writing this letter to you. They have now reached a unanimous decision concerning you. You are too evil not be put down.You are going to have to die tonight, Tahu.

Is this not just a touch ridiculous?

I couldn't have said that better myself. It's ridiculous, and the definition of ridiculous being not realistic. My reason behind supporting that claim is that you have to keep in mind that the Turaga were once Toa. Toa don't kill. So, logically, Turaga would not kill, or even approve/decide to have someone killed.Which leads me to my next point: Tahu is out of character. The idea of Tahu abusing animals, I flew with, since it's more or less what you gave me in the title and opening lines of the story. But as you continued, Tahu's actions as relayed to me by the narrator became gradually more absurd. Since I'm all for creative lisence, miniature Muaka I'm okay with. Tahu kicking monkeys and beating kittens, although I admit it was a stretch, I made my peace with, because again, you presented it as the main concept of your story. Where I drew the line, however, was here:

Gali told me how you threatened to kill her when she tried to stop you from beating the little Muaka.

I can't ever see Tahu doing this. For one, Gali is his teammate, and one of his closest friends, if not more. Two, Tahu is still a Toa. You even acknowledge this when you compare him to the Makuta. As stated before, Toa do not kill.And one last thing to mention, before I run out of steam, is the narrator. Who is he? She? How do they know Tahu? How do they know the Turaga and their unanimous decison? Why would they choose to write a letter warning Tahu of his death sentence, if they clearly wish to see Tahu's demise? Ask yourself objective questions like that by putting yourself in prospective readers' shoes. Ask yourself what you think they need to know, and what you think they'd like to know. And don't go off the other end on me and bog people down with a novel's worth of backstory. A friend of mine has a great philosophy that I like to apply whenever I can. Everything in moderation. I trust you can figure out how to apply it to your own works.That’s about all I have for you tonight. You did a great job getting your basic point across, you just need to work a bit on delivery. I really hope my feedback helps you, as it’s not often I make it over into Short Stories and drop a review.I hope to read more from you.~Aderia

Edited by Eponine, Nov 06 2012 - 11:03 PM.

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