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Autumn

COT Poetry

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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Oct 23 2012 - 02:29 PM

Autumnby Peach 00Summer’s leavesFallenTurned to orange and yellowFound beneath the silver treesThe colors in a swirlThe brown and greenCoursing with the yellowAll in an autumn whirlThe sky still cradlesThe pearly clouds aboveThe sun still shinesOn the faded green pinesColder weatherO, don’t we love?The breezes flowPast the trees aboveThe leaves begin to fallRepresenting the beginningOf the beautiful season—Autumn~:~Inspiration from some recent weather I have been experiencing around me. C&C is appreciated, thanks for reading. :)
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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#2 Offline Kragghle

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Posted Oct 23 2012 - 04:29 PM

:kaukau: Ah, a simple poem purely about the weather, which seems very strange for me personally, being something that I am not inclined to write about. I recently wrote a poem about the Autumn as well, although it used the weather as a way of expressing my deeper contemplations and complex feelings. The seasons, for me, are more often ways of personifying something of my inner self. In the case of autumn, I often associate it with sadness and change for the worse, especially since many sad things have happened to me in that season. That is of course not all I associate it with, as there are memories of football and other things that happen during this time of year, and lovely sweaters and friendship. There's so much to associate it with.So in a way it strikes me that you managed to e purely objective and concrete in this poem. It merely takes fall and describes its colors. Surely, I suppose you could have added a certain folk flare to the atmosphere with details about the people on the streets, the clothes they wear, and the mood of the area (City? Town? Farm? Forest?) to create a full scene, which is again what I personally would have done with my own style (think of "Piano Man"), but they aren't really necessary.When it all comes down to it, you stuck with the subconscious rule of "Simplicity! Simplicity! Simplicity!" and kept your description to its barest elements so that anyone could understand. It's may not create a scene, but it's still atmospheric (literally) and almost always applicable. The flow works for me, and even though at first it seemed a bit standard I like that you just race through the lines, each averaging out to be five syllables. It creates something that's certainly in flux, and the diversity of your rhyme scheme and syllable structure makes it a bit informal, so it does feel like a fleeting thought you had while looking out at nature.Just one thing, though. I don't understand the use of the word "silver" to describe trees. I'm usually pretty specific when using that word - again, this just being me - but in this case I honestly wasn't sure how to take this description. However, I understand that it creates a surreal image that doesn't necessarily have to be taken literally, whether or not that was your intention.

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#3 Offline SkyLandOceAnna

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Posted Oct 23 2012 - 05:14 PM

I thought your poem, using the natural beauty normally associated with Autumn, was very good at painting a picture. I didn't quite understand "the silver trees" portion of the text, but I do think that it opens other's minds to strive to look at the world differently. My only criticism would be to incorporate other things associated with Autumn besides scenery and weather. Although nature is beautiful in itself, it is sometimes nice to realize Autumn doesn't only mean it gets colder and the leaves turn colors and fall. Coldness and leaves falling can happen anytime of the year, but it still is a great poem in itself. There was a good flow throughout the poem and I do enjoy when they rhyme, but if they don't, it is not a deal breaker either. Great job! Keep posting!
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#4 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Oct 25 2012 - 08:02 AM

Thanks for the comments, you guys! Sorry for a shorter response, I'm just going to summarize what I had previously written in more of a brief way, since I lost it due to my computer's stupidity. =PJV, I agree, I would have liked to have created a scene here, but it's one of those things I'm not that skilled at. I am, however, writing a short story to accompany this and will be posted soon. It will have a scene and whatnot, obviously, including some characters - I hope you will have an interest in it. :)SkyLandOceAnna, thanks for your comments! I like the idea of associating more things with the season, but it was something that was hard for me to interject into it. I always notice the beautiful colors and the cold in autumn, so I couldn't help but focus on those changes.And the line " found beneath the silver trees" wasn't exactly the best line, but I thought it fit. Any other words used as adjectives, such as brown or grey, don't necessarily work because they are single-syllable words. Silver, having two syllables, seems to work better with the rhythm and whatnot, but maybe that's just me, and probably is. =PThanks for the comments, and I hope you guys check out my other stories and poetry! =)
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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#5 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Oct 25 2012 - 02:47 PM

Well, I am by no means a poetry expert, I greatly enjoyed this poem. It was written plainly, but it had a flow that I grasped just by reading it once. It's not large or massive, but simply a word-picture of Autumn. As a person who hold autumn to be his favorite season, I really liked how you described it all.For the silver issue, perhaps a combination of words might work? For instance 'dull-grey' or 'grey-black'.

Edited by Zarayna, Oct 25 2012 - 02:56 PM.

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#6 Offline Velox

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Posted Mar 07 2013 - 01:08 AM

Hey there, Peach! I'm here with an SSCC Charity Review. 

 

So first off I'm really glad this is a poem--I really don't read enough poetry, and ever since taking a Poetry/Fiction Creative Writing class last semester, and a Poetry CW class this semester, I've been meaning to. 

 

I really do love Autumn. Not so much where I live (our "Fall" happens during our "Winter" and we get no Winter =P), but it's still probably my favorite season. My favorite part being the colder weather, most likely. Though on that note, the "Colder weather" line of the poem seemed just a little off to me--specifically the "colder." I think perhaps something like "crisp" would work better. Maybe not that word specifically, but I think a single-syllable word would sound better. 

 

On the note of sound, you really do a good job here. I really liked the alliteration and similar sounds used throughout (especially the "s" sounds, it seems to fit with the "peaceful" setting of Autumn portrayed here). 

 

One small structuring nitpick, I feel like "Summer leaves/Fallen" should be switched. Not only because I think "fallen summer leaves" sounds better than the reverse, but mostly because that way it gives the poem a nice look--all lines being roughly the same length, with the exception of the very first and the very last, being single words. Maybe it's just me, but I think the only single-word lines being the first and last would be powerful, also considering the two words--"Fallen" and "Autumn" really go well together. 

 

Other than that, I don't really have a lot more to say. The poem flowed nicely and I really enjoyed this--a beautiful poem for a beautiful season. Well-done! Keep writing poetry. ^_^

 

 

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