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Unity, Duty, Stupidity


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#1 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Oct 25 2012 - 07:42 AM

So, this is my first take on comedy, so forgive me if my own personal writing style tends to interrupt with any comedic points. =P Anyhow, this isn't going to be a long series, maybe just ten episodes. I'm writng this to get back into writing again, since I still have an unfinished epic to write and other stories I had planned, but I haven't really had an interest in writing them lately. Well, anyway, I'll shut up now so you can get on with reading the comedy. =P

Unity, Duty, Stupidity

Episode 1: Morning At The Nuva Cabin

Sponsored by Avohkii Cereal, the #1 cereal of Mata-Nui, that sandbar in the ocean that nobody remembers anymore. Thanks Avohkii Cereal!

Narrator: In the time before time…Director: Alright, cut that line! It is too corny, it is overused, and it is stupid. Can’t we at least have some originality in this? Alright, rant over, continue.Narrator: *ahem* The seven Toa Nuva lived together in tranquility after the terrible reign of Makuta. Since they hated the way they looked when they were in Karda-Nui, they had a bit of a makeover and look like their old selves again. Unfortunately for Pohatu, he’s still a hunchback, so hopefully he’ll understand if we cut some of his lines since he has absolutely no sponsors to support his hunchback…ness. We still pay him money to play the bit parts, though, so if you see a couple of large, hunchbacked Matoran, then you know who they are. Onto the episode. (Also, don’t ask how Takanuva got back to his original self. Let’s just say it took a few tons of plastic explosives to blow him up and put him back together again…)Narrator: At a small Rent-A-Cabin the Toa Nuva are staying at until they find a house to live at, which they have neglected to pay rent for over the past four months…Gali: Good morning everybody! Oh, and if I don’t see you again later on today –Director: Keep the originality of this concept going, please! That’s already in a movie!Gali: Whoops. Sorry.(Enter Tahu and Kopaka.)Narrator: Tahu, who had been playing in the basement of the cabin – suspend your belief here, folks, seeing as cabins don’t have basements – on the Xbox, had purple bags under his eyes that went about halfway down his Kanohi Hau.Gali: Tahu, you look terrible!Tahu: You look beautiful, so maybe that will make up for it.Narrator: Gali fought her natural instincts to slap Tahu, and decided to simply ignore the comment.Gali: …Either of you like some pancakes? I just made some!Tahu: Sure. Narrator: Upon seeing the pancakes on the small yellow plate, he grabbed two of them, and put them on one of the plates set aside for the seven Toa Nuva. Sitting in his chair, he pointed his scarlet finger at the pancakes, and a spiral of orange flames turned the pancakes into flat, circular charcoal.Tahu: Just how I like them, heheh...Kopaka: Tahu, don’t do that again. Remember the last Rent-A-Cabin we stayed at? That you burnt down? If you recall, I literally dragged you out of the fire to keep you from getting burned. That dehydrated me for about a week, which was a bit troublesome when we didn’t have enough money to buy ice. I’m lucky I even had elemental powers for even a part of that summer.Tahu: Yeah, that was a fun time, wasn’t it? What was that? The third Rent-A-Cabin I burnt down? Thank goodness Onua and Lewa made that dirt tornado to keep that owner away. He was pretty ticked-off if I recall. And by the way, you didn't need to do that, I was doing well on my own...even though I hit my head on that two-by-four and knocked myself out.Kopaka: ...(Enter Onua and Lewa, arguing.)Lewa: I told you, those were mine!Onua: I have the receipt for them! I bought them myself!Lewa: No, I bought them, you stole them!Narrator: Kopaka, wanting a peaceful morning, quickly divided the two arguing Toa with a thin wall of ice. Lewa had unfortunately caught his hand in it – his wrist was frozen while his hand was in the face of Onua.Kopaka: Oh, be quiet, both of you! Now what is this all about?Lewa: Release my wrist and I’ll tell you, iceman.Tahu: Oh yeah, like that wasn’t a cheap shot…Lewa: Stuff a LEGO brick in it, Tahu. Narrator: Kopaka quickly removed the wall of ice, and Onua hastened to dodge Lewa’s hand before it hit him in the face.Gali: Alright, explain, please.Lewa: Onua stole my –Director: OK, before you make a big mistake here, don’t say pie. Or anything food-related. We want some originality. Then again, the idea of a director interrupting his cast twenty-four-seven isn’t that original, but hey, I wanted to be a part of the show. Continue.Narrator: Lewa shot the director a dirty look after his words, and continued on with his statement.Lewa: As I was saying…Onua stole my collection of CDs.Tahu: Depending on the CDs, we can justify Onua’s reason for stealing them or maybe wanting to listen to them. So, what were the albums?Lewa: Basically classic Pink Floyd. Dark Side of the Moon, Animals, Wish You Were Here, and my own special selection of songs from The Wall.Tahu: How dare you steal Floyd, Onua! Kopaka: Hey, just a sensible question here, how can we possibly have Pink Floyd in the Matoran Universe when that’s something the outside world has? Unless we have a leak in our universe and some guy sold the albums to you, then yeah, there’s no sense here.Lewa: No, I created the leak and stole them from some kid in the outside world. Luckily he had an action figure of me, so it was pretty easy to convince the kid it was only a dream.Gali: Oh, wonderful…that isn’t one of those things we’re going to have to fix, like, right away or anything is it?Kopaka: Wait, you said you had the receipt…?Lewa: No, not until a few chapters from now. And that was a ploy to get them back from Onua. Anyway, I would like them back.Onua: You’ll have to fight me for them!Tahu: I’m surprised the Director didn’t call you out on that for not being original.Gali: Alright, let’s just get on with breakfast. Eat your pancakes, and then I’ll give you a list of the places we need to stop by later on today.Tahu: We’re actually going to places? I thought we just stay at one of these cabins for the next year and keep on scamming the owners! That makes it no fun that way! (Enter Pohatu and Takanuva)Takanuva: Come, come, Tahu, we must stop cheating these owners out of money. Eventually we’ll have to pay them back, and be at least honest about what we have done the past few months.Tahu: Could somebody stick a LEGO brick in his mouth? Mr. Nobility needs to realize that we don’t have any money. Also, Pohatu, what is that on your back? Oh, it’s just you. Narrator: Pohatu, who still was a hunchback, was constantly made an object of teasing by Tahu and others.Pohatu: Do we still have some of those plastic explosives from when Takanuva was blown up? Maybe I can rebuild myself from scratch…Gali: Pohatu, stop being so superficial. There’s nothing wrong with you being a hunchback. Then again, it’s kind of hard to get in through doors sometimes…Pohatu: Whatever...Gali: Well, eat, everybody, just for the sake of getting rid of these pancakes. I make three dozen, and they just sit here on a plate all morning!Kopaka: Kiss those pancakes goodbye, Gali. Remember, Onua has that many for breakfast alone.Narrator: Gali, unfortunately, did not take that into consideration immediately, and within a minute, Onua hastily ate the 3 dozen pancakes sitting on the plate. It was a rather disgusting, Rahi-like showcase of the Toa of Earth’s instincts.Lewa: Well, I guess I wasn’t really in the mood for pancakes anyway. Instead, I’ll have Avohkii Cereal, the leading brand in cereal and the #1 breakfast on Mata-Nui!Tahu: Talk about product placement… Director: Can we just end the episode here, please?

THE END

Director: NOT THE END OF THE SHOW, YOU MORON! THE END OF THE EPISODE! YOU ARE FIRED…WHOEVER YOU ARE!

Episode End

~:~Word Count: 1,274Alright, it seems kind of slow, but hey, this is my first time working with this. Comments are, as always, appreciated, and I would love for this to catch on. Thanks for reading! ^^

Edited by Peach 00, Oct 25 2012 - 04:41 PM.

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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#2 Offline Velox

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Posted Oct 25 2012 - 02:05 PM

As is some-what my reputation on BZPower, I'm not really a fan of the comedies here. I wish I could say "never have been, and never will be" but considering I wrote a comedy myself a long time ago, and enjoyed reading others, that wouldn't be true. Be that as it may, I have since moved on to more serious works -- not necessarily not funny, but simply stories that are grammatically correct, void of emoticons, in the correct style, etc.: things that almost every single comedy in this forum seems to lack. I'm not entirely sure who even started the so-called "script" format that's used here (filled with emoticons, no stage directions [or improper ones], etc.), but I'm definitely not a fan. All these things, and just not really liking the atmosphere of Comedies all together, have kept me away (mostly) from the Comedies forum. I'll check in from time to time, as I like to glance through every topic in the three library forums, but again, for the most part I'll just leave the Comedies forum well enough alone. But, this one caught my eye. I have always been a fan of your work, and I have liked everything else I've read by you (honestly, especially for your age, you are quite the amazing author), so I figured, "why not?" and decided to give this one a try. I was pleased to see that this comedy did not have the usual turn-offs that most comedies in this forum seem to have. Generally, your grammar was solid throughout, your writing style was pleasant to read (which was only to be expected), and your use of script is much more like actual script than most things in this forum (as in, like actual, published plays or screenplays). There was, however, one thing in particular that stood out to me: the emoticons. I really wish you hadn't used them at all. In every single case, they weren't really necessary, and just, for me at least, made things less-funny. Of course that's a personal preference, but I'm really not a fan of using emoticons in "serious" writing (as with before, not necessarily non-funny "serious", but "serious" as in writing that is taken seriously -- The Importance of Being Earnest is a comedy, and definitely funny, but I'd still consider it writing that is taken seriously, if that makes sense). But, back to not thinking they were necessary -- they really weren't. In every case, they could easily have been replaced with stage directions, or removed entirely. For example:

Oh, it’s just you. :evilgrin:

This was definitely one of the funnier parts of the comedy. However, I really don't see why that emoticon was necessary. It could be simply removed completely, or replaced with something that, I think, would be more accurate to the situation than "evil eyes" ("Tahu smirks" or even just "Tahu grins", etc. etc.) And this can be said for every single time. As I said, though, I definitely am glad that there were stage directions. I would've liked to have had even more, spaced throughout the entire comedy more often (after all, actions can often be funny as well -- plus it just makes things more realistic as people are obviously still doing actions while talking). However, you still did well in the regard, and an abundance of stage directions aren't needed. Just one thing:

Kopaka: *rolls his eyes*

This should've just been made a stage direction -- "(Kopaka rolls his eyes)" -- instead of using asterisks (which should really only be used for chatting online). Same with the other times that you used asterisks. Before I get into a few little nitpicks, I just wanted to point out that there were a few times I chucked, and that right there is a very good thing -- as I said earlier, I don't find myself laughing very often at comedies on BZPower, so it was refreshing to have a couple of things to laugh at here. Maybe I'm just not a fan of the humour usually used in comedies on BZPower, or maybe they're really just not funny, I don't know -- but I did laugh a couple times here, so well done. Now, for just a few little nitpicks:

Director: Alright, cut that line! It is too corny, it is overused, and it is stupid. Can’t we at least have some originality in this? Alright, rant over, continue.

I think it might have been a little funnier if you had moved the "idea of directors interrupting his cast" to here, possibly, because that is the first thing I thought after reading it -- that you saying something is overused is overused. Therefore, instead of having me with that feeling of overusing something, you'd hit back with a statement stating how you realized that and did it purposely. Perhaps even have the line said by one of the characters or something. I'm not sure -- I'm not really the best at comedies -- but I think that line might've been better up here.Anyway, back to the original point of quoting this line: I really wouldn't classify this as a "rant." I think it could've been funny if you actually had him rambling on and on about it, depending on how it was done, but either way, as it is I definitely wouldn't consider just a few words a rant.

on the Xbox, had purple bags under his eyes that went about halfway down Kanohi Hau.

Missing a "his" between "down" and "Kanohi".

If you recall, I literally dragged you out of the fire to keep you from getting burned.

This was one thing that I am unsure about...why would he need help getting out of a burning house when he's a Toa of Fire? Fire Toa aren't fire-proof, no, but they're at least very, very resistant, and I feel like he should've been able to control said fire unless he was unconscious or something.

Tahu: I’m surprised the Director didn’t call you out on that for not being original.

Now, this isn't always a bad thing to do (i.e., having the characters talk about the Director), but I didn't feel that it fit here. After all, this is supposed to be a movie or TV show or play or something, right? So, then, the characters should be acting, rather than just being themselves and talking about the director. Y'know? If a movie is being filmed, the actors aren't going to talk about the director. Unless this is meant to be a reality show or something, then perhaps they would, but in that case I think it should be explained, then.

Narrator: Pohatu, who still was a hunchback, was constantly made an object of teasing by Tahu and others.

I just didn't think this line was necessary -- with Tahu making fun of his hunchback, it's obvious that he was made an object of teasing. But maybe that's just me.

Then again, the idea of a director interrupting his cast 24/7 isn’t that original,I make 3 dozen, and they just sit here on a plate all morning!the leading brand in cereal and the #1 breakfast on Mata-Nui!

In these cases, and every other case when this happens, I'd type out the numbers ("number one" etc.). One last thing I'd like to point out would be characterization. I know it's early on in the story, but just keep this in mind throughout -- every main character you introduce needs to be characterized and have specific qualities about them that are distinct to them alone. Make sure you define characters, and make them have some meaning -- we, as readers, should feel a connection to every main character so that when they're sad, we're sad, when they're mad, we're mad, and most importantly, when they're funny, it's funny because that's who they are. I didn't feel like I got a sense of the characters here quite as much as I should've (though they definitely did have distinct qualities about them that I enjoyed -- also, just as a quick aside, just remember to stay away from stereotypes as much as possible, which is easy to do when using these Toa), as is often the case with comedies on BZPower. Because the focus is always so much on the comedic side of the story. I, however, am a fan of the focus being on the characters more than the comedy. For example, the TV show How I Met Your Mother is the best comedy I have seen, in my opinion. And that's completely due to characterization. The characters are funny because of who they are. So when a character does or says something funny, it's something that might not be funny if anyone did it, but because they specifically said or did it, it is funny. Additionally, the show's focus is not completely on the comedy -- but again, it's on the characters. So there are often some incredibly sad scenes, or happy scenes, or frustrating scenes, etc., because I, as a watcher, am drawn to the characters so that I feel how they feel, and it affects me more than just in funny ways. I know that's difficult, and frankly, I can't say much because I've never done it or tried, but I think it'd be great if you tried for that -- or at least, to keep in mind that characterization should be one of the strongest points of the comedy. If you create funny and interesting characters (even when using pre-created characters -- make them your own, while still sticking to the "canon"), it'll only help the comedy be even more funny. =]Overall, though, as I said, I definitely think this is better than most comedies I have read in this forum lately. You are definitely a strong writer, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Just try to keep in mind what I've said earlier -- personally, I always try to write as if my writing is going to be published, if that makes sense. Always write the most "professional" way you can, even with comedies and fanfiction. Good luck with this and your other projects! ^_^Posted Image

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"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender


#3 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Oct 25 2012 - 04:58 PM

Thanks for dropping by and reading this, Velox! I feel the same way about comedies, but for some reason I still felt I wanted to make a contribution to the sub-forum and see if anybody liked this. It felt odd posting here at first, but I did it anyhow. =PThanks for talking about the format I used. Surprisingly, I had been reading some of The Tradgedy of Macbeth by Shakespeare, and although not necessarily the most humorous of plays, I still noted the format, and tried to stick to something along those lines. I preferred that style as opposed to the common style used by the people here in the comedies forum. I liked it, so I used it. I'm glad to see somebody noticed. ^^You mentioned the use of emoticons - I wasn't a big fan of them myself, but I used them anyway. Since you mentioned it, I removed them, since I thought it made this too mainstream. I want this to be different, and using a little bit more wit and making this more like sitcoms like Frasier and whatnot. Although this is supposed to be a reality TV show in which the Toa Nuva play in, I want to use situational comedy throughout.You also mentioned the astericks. I removed those as well, and just had the narrator sort of describe in a humorous way what the character did in action as a response to what another character said. I'm happier with that to be honest, so I'm glad you mentioned that. =)Most of the 'nitpicks' you made (trust me, they weren't, in my opinion ;)) I edited. I neglected some unfortunately, but most of them have been changed. By the way, it's great to hear I made you laugh. I didn't think this would have that effect, but I'm glad that it made you chuckle at times - to me, that's probably the greatest compliment I can receive. =)I must agree. I've always felt that characterization is vital, and I didn't really think about that up until now. With characters like these that are used constantly, it is tricky to give somebody like Tahu a distinct personality, but it'll be a challenge for me. I suppose that's what every story always needs, and it's something that's hard for a writer to master. I personally think I can do it, not to be overconfident, but I just think every writer can achieve it, and I want to with these characters. Thank you very much for mentioning it, I will focus more on that and try to give that distinct style to each character.Otherwise, I'd like to thank you a lot for giving me such an in-depth review, and for giving this a chance. I was afraid it'd be too much like other comedies here, but I'm glad to hear it's not like others - to hear that it stands out is great. Thanks again for the review, Velox, and I hope you'll keep reading. =)
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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#4 Offline Joseph Cooper

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Posted Oct 26 2012 - 04:25 PM

This has the Kaithas seal of approval.I'm not a good critic, so, I'm just giving it the seal.But hey, you're the only author that has it.
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The Ihu-Koronan Highlanders are always looking for more recruits. I have four positions that I need filled, PM me for information.

 

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#5 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Oct 26 2012 - 07:35 PM

I'll take that as you like. =P Thank you, I hope you keep reading!

Episode 2: Places to Go, People to Scam

Sponsored by the Toa Inika, that underrated Toa team that everybody dislikes even though they were really cool. Thanks Toa Inika!

Narrator: Last time we saw the Toa Nuva, Onua and Lewa were arguing about the fact that Onua may or may not have stolen Lewa’s collection of classic Pink Floyd albums. We also figured out Lewa may or may not have created a leak in the Matoran Universe that connects our world with theirs. In this way he obtained his Pink Floyd CDs. We also figured out that Pohatu might want to blow himself up again so he can get through doorways, Onua can eat three dozen pancakes for breakfast, and Takanuva actually has a nickname, much to the surprise of our network. Next up, the gang is heading out to find a house for the magnificent seven. (At the Rent-A-Cabin…)Lewa: First, we’re heading-going to…how is this pronounced?Kopaka: Ah-ah.Lewa: Haha?Tahu: No, it’s baba.Onua: I thought it was lala?Kopaka: It’s pronounced ah-ah! AH. AH. Actually, let’s just call it Alpha. Who would name a street Aa?Tahu: There is a type of lava named aa, so I guess why not name a street Aa?Kopaka:Tahu: Don’t look at me – you’re supposed to be the smart one.Lewa: Well, anyhow, we head-go to Aa first, then Le-Koro Avenue, Ga-Wahi Drive, Ta-Wahi Street, Hinceralpitowsky Street, and then…how is this pronounced-said?Kopaka: Oh, not this again…Narrator: After a few more minutes of trying to figure out how their last destination’s name was pronounced, they eventually found out it was pronounced Get Heron Dot Drive, a name which confused them thoroughly. It also confused them how Lewa could possibly mispronounce the name. They got on their way and first went to Aa, or Alpha, and viewed the house.(At Aa…)Tahu: Well, looks okay.Kopaka: Are you nuts?Tahu: As a matter of fact, yes.Kopaka: …Anyway, look at this place. The paint is all worn off, the porch is ripped up…it’s like a cannon went off inside the place, considering all the furniture is wrecked.Narrator: Indeed, Kopaka was actually right. For a change. Anyhow, a cannon did go off in the house, since it last belonged to a group of Matoran. These Matoran, unfortunately for them, still lived here – they just didn’t see them when they walked in. Until…(Enter Ta-Matoran falling on Tahu)Tahu: WHAT THE –Director: Due to some of the content and sound provided by Tahu, we’ll have to cut the filming and play smooth jazz for a little while. Be patient! Yeah, riiiiiiiiight…(Activation of smooth jazz)Director: Back to the film!Tahu: WHY YOU LITTLE –Director: Well, apparently we aren’t prepared for that yet. Back to smooth jazz!(Activation of smooth jazz)Director: NOW CUT THAT OUT OR I’LL HAVE YOU FIRED, YOU HOT-TEMPERED –(All eyes on the Director, including the audience.)Director:I’ll have you for this, you little…Narrator: Don’t do that or I’ll…ugh, now I’m doing it. Forget it. Well, to update you after that unfortunate little outburst – *glares at Tahu and the Director* – a Ta-Matoran jumped on Tahu’s back from the ceiling. Don’t ask…just…don’t.Tahu: Why in Mata-Nui’s name did you just jump on my back, you little – Kopaka: Don’t go down that road again.Tahu: Oh, yeah, sorry. Well, anyway, why did you do that?Ta-Matoran: You’re invading our home! Why do you just walk in here acting like you own the place?Tahu: Surprisingly, we were thinking of buying it, so if I’m going to be walking in here, then yes, I’m going to be acting like I own the place.Ta-Matoran: Unfortunately for us, that actually makes sense.(Enter two other Ta-Matoran)Tahu: So what are your names?Ta-Matoran 2: You tell us yours first.Tahu: This is an outrage! We are the Toa Nuva, how could you possibly not know us?Ta-Matoran 2: I’ve never heard of them. Have you?Ta-Matoran 3: Nope.Tahu: Lewa: I’m Lewa, he’s Tahu, she’s Gali – Director: He’s Sneezy, he’s Bashful, and he’s Dopey! Get on with it!(Lewa cuts the Director a dirty look)Lewa: That’s Onua, Kopaka, and Pohatu.Ta-Matoran 2: Hey, I know that guy! I saw him get stuck in one of the automatic doors at the super market!Pohatu: Kopaka: Can we just move on? It’s obvious we’re not getting this house, so let’s keep on checking out the places we had on our list.Gali: Works for me!Tahu: Why must she be so optimistic…?Narrator: So, the Toa Nuva continued to the next destination. As they went Hinceralpitowsky Street, they saw it as too small – or, at least too small for one of the Toa Nuva…(Pohatu is stuck in the entrance to the house)Pohatu: Hold on! I can get out of this myself!Tahu: You obviously can’t, because if you were smart enough, you wouldn’t have gotten yourself into this in the first place!Pohatu: Put a LEGO brick in it, Tahu!Kopaka: This goes against every fiber of my being when I say this, but he is actually right, Pohatu.Narrator: Sorry about this. Let’s just say that wasn’t planned. They passed Le-Koro Avenue, for there was a bit of an argument. There were seven bedrooms at the large house – a thing of the imagination, obviously – and a rather violent argument ensued between all of them, since there was a large bedroom unlike the others. After our technical staff helped rebuild some of the Toa Nuva, they headed next to Get Heron Dot Drive. Although none of them really understood the name, and some of them found it suspicious, they headed there with hope that they would finally find a house.(Upon arrival…)Tahu: I think living in Karzhani for the rest of our lives would be more pleasant than living here for even a few minutes.Narrator: To elaborate, the house is a mess. The wood on the outside is old and rotten, and the entire house looks like it will fall apart if one person steps even within a hundred feet of the house.Kopaka: I hate to say this, but I agree. What does everybody think about this?Lewa: There’s no way I’m living-staying in this rattrap. I’d think even the rats-mice would have gotten sick-tired of this after awhile.Onua: I know earth is my element and all, but sometimes a person can get sick of being with their element, and I know I would if I stayed here.Gali: I usually don’t like to be critical of things, but this place is horrible.Kopaka: Pohatu, do you have any thoughts?Pohatu: Director: We only allowed him two lines maximum this episode. Until we get him more sponsors – which, personally I don’t see happening within the next century – he’ll only have at least two to five lines maximum in any episode. Sometimes he doesn’t even get more than two…Kopaka: …OK, then fine. Takanuva, do you have any thoughts?Takanuva: Let’s take it.Tahu: You know, I always thought you were a little eccentric, but now I know you’re just insane.Lewa: You’re nuts!Onua: Who in his right mind would want this?Tahu: Unfortunately for us, Takanuva.Takanuva: Now, hold on, I think it would be kind of us to repair this house to its former…something. It was obviously nicer-looking at some point. Anyhow, I think we should take it!Tahu: Somewhere, I believe several thousand cockroaches currently fear that they’re going to have some unfriendly neighbors…Kopaka: Let’s just think about it. Otherwise, let’s head to the last two places. Ga-Wahi first, then we head to Ta-Wahi last. Let’s get moving…Narrator: As they headed to Ga-Wahi Drive, they were disappointed to see the house was smaller than the Rent-A-Cabin they already inhabited. When they went to Ta-Wahi Street, however, they were pleased to see a decent-sized house. It contained four bedrooms, which they were pleased with.Kopaka: Thoughts?Gali: Let’s get it.Onua: No place would be better than this!Lewa: I like it.Tahu: Since it isn’t a rat-infested, cockroach-inhabited wooden remake of Karzhani with the strong smell of stale linen, then yeah, I’m fine with it.Pohatu: Takanuva: I don’t like it.Tahu: Six-sevenths of the vote says we get it, so objection overruled.Kopaka: Let’s head inside. The owner should be there.Narrator: They headed inside, and thankfully for them, the owner was willing to sell. Matoran: First off, what are your names?Tahu: We’re the Toa Nuva. Matoran: Sorry…?Onua: Well, at least we’re not like the Toa Inika, that Toa team nobody really recognizes and everybody hates…Matoran: You guys know the Toa Inika? I always thought they were cool!Kopaka: This just keeps on getting worse…Tahu: What’s your name?Matoran: Niruk. How much are you looking to buy this house for?Kopaka: No more than a few thousand widgets.Niruk: Maybe six thousand?Lewa: Sounds reasonable-right.Tahu: How about five thousand?Niruk: You’re nuts!Tahu: You think I am? You should have heard our comrade at the rattrap we visited earlier. He wanted that over this house – that’s the definition of nuts.Niruk: Five thousand-five hundred, that’s my final offer.Tahu: Fine, we’ll take it.Niruk: Deal!Narrator: So, they bought the house. Each rather irritated at the fact it had taken them so long to find a house, they went to the Rent-A-Cabin and slept, not looking forward to the strenuous next week or two of moving. Not to mention confronting the owner of their Rent-A-Cabin…

Episode End

~:~Word Count: 1,582

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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#6 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Oct 27 2012 - 09:17 AM

Hey, Peach. I was wondering what happened to you. Thought you had given up writing, but apparently not. Are you going to write another chapter of Danger Close soon?Anyway, for your first comedy, this is pretty good. Episode 2 is a lot funnier than Episode 1. My favorite part is probably the scene where the Director explains that Pohatu only gets a maximum of two to five lines per episode because he doesn't have enough sponsers. Really funny.Keep it up!-TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog
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{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)
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#7 Offline Fairy Paladin

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Posted Oct 27 2012 - 11:48 AM

Argh, I meant to post in here sooner. Sorry. ^^"I think what I like most about this is the constant breaking of the fourth wall; the director interacting with the characters and similar, which really adds a certain bizarre quality to the story. (that's a good thing.)Both episodes were a bit random at times, but since that's kinda typical for comedies it's fine, too.what I really like are those "sponsored by"-messages, they're quite awesome.So yeah, I'll definitely keep on reading this to see what else you'll come up with! :)
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00doubt.jpg

^ click the above banner to read "Doubt", a two part comic connected to the Bionicle Mafia Booksby Voltex!

 

A Slightly Different Tale | Latest art: The Calm Before The Storm (Hahli Inika)

 


#8 Offline fishers64

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Posted Oct 27 2012 - 03:45 PM

Yes, I'm late to this party. But alas, I had to quench my annoyance at yet another one of those Toa Mata or Nuva meets real-life comedies that pervaded the archive like the mortal plague. You make fun of the fact that it isn't original with the Director, which I enjoyed rather well, so bonus points for that. So far, however, you're proving that that genre can be funny...so you're doing really well. :)Chapter 1:I definitely think bringing the Toa Nuva's no doubt outraged landlord into the picture for a chapter would definitely be hilarious.

Narrator: Tahu, who had been playing in the basement of the cabin – suspend your belief here, folks, seeing as cabins don’t have basements – on the Xbox, had purple bags under his eyes that went about halfway down his Kanohi Hau.

Shouldn't it be "suspend your disbelief"? a la suspension of disbelief?

Director: NOT THE END OF THE SHOW, YOU MORON! THE END OF THE EPISODE! YOU ARE FIRED…WHOEVER YOU ARE!

That was the most hilarious line of the show. I want to see "whoever you are" sometime. :)I agree that the chapter was a little slow, and everything was silly in it. Just because this thing is in the comedies forum doesn't mean it can't have some serious stuff in it. Chapter 2: This chapter was hilarious. But how did the Toa Nuva, who can't even afford to pay rent on their cabin for four months, afford a house? That makes no sense at all. And I am going to get that landlord scene...good. Overall, pretty good so far. Watch the details, and remember that not everything must be silly.

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16028406952_a8c31f0bfe.jpg15838451978_fa70afcd66_m.jpg


#9 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Oct 30 2012 - 12:15 PM

Great to see some more reviews! Thanks for the comments, guys! ^^@TNTOS: Hopefully, yes. Still working on it...the chapter is in the early stages, but it should come before Christmas, with any luck. =P And I love that, too. The second episode was a lot more fun to write, since it wasn't getting things started, but simply adding on. Thanks for your review! =)@Taka Nuvia: That's totally okay! Just you reviewing is good enough! Lol, those are great. It's a pain thinking of products, people, places, et cetera. Avohkii Cereal was an easy one, since it's kind of a product mentioned in most of the comedies here, but otherwise, thinking of other stuff is hard. >_< Thanks for reviewing, Taka! =D@fishers64: Thanks! I thought it was a bit risky using such overused characters, but I thought it would also be a challenge, to see if I could make them funny and give them a sense of originality, instead of adding to the heap of comedies that have already tried to make them funny. And that's a good idea! Now that you mention it, I'll probably end up adding "whoever you are" to the show more, and end up showing them sooner or later. Thanks for the idea! ^^And riiiiiighhht...I never explained that concept fully. Possible reasoning for it would be that they were saving money for the house they were going to buy, but because they ended up losing more money, they just started scamming the owners of the Rent-A-Cabins so they'd save more money and keep on their daily budget. (which, by the way, is about the price of the house they bought, lol) I'll probably explain it in a later chapter.And thanks for the advice! I hope you keep on reading - thanks for the review. ^^Just an update, by the way: I will not be able to update the comedy for another week or two, because I'll be away from Thursday to Tuesday of next week. I might be able to bring along a laptop and write on that and also post the chapter using that, but we will see. If I'm online between those days, then you know I was able to bring it along. =P Thanks for your patience!
  • 0
On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#10 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Nov 27 2012 - 01:58 PM

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Episode 3: Business As Usual[/color][/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Sponsored by the Brotherhood of Makuta, a group of villains who have been terrorizing the Matoran Universe for the past twelve years. Thanks Brotherhood of Makuta![/color][/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Narrato[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]r: To refresh your memory, last episode, the Toa Nuva were duped into buying a house that was a lot cheaper than the owner was selling it for, unbeknownst to them. To remind you, Lewa created a leak in the Matoran Universe, where humans can stumble into their world, and the BIONICLEs can enter your world, something they plan to fix. If you happen to find a Toa or Matoran in your bedroom, the number for local attorneys-at-law is 1-800-LAWYERS. Just keep in mind we aren’t liable – Lewa is.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]([/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]At the Rent-A-Cabin…)[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Kopaka: So, we have to tell the owner here that we bought a house, right?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: Correct.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Kopaka: And not only do we have to tell him that, we also have to pay him for four months rent. Right?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: Wrong.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Kopaka: Since when? I’m never wrong![/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: Sorry to break it to you, Kopaka, but that’s just a fantasy of yours.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);](Kopaka shoots Tahu a look of aggravation)[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Kopaka: …Anyway, how do you plan to avoid paying him the four months rent?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: Well, instead of burning it down like we do on a regular basis to other Rent-A-Cabins, I thought we could instead just lock him in the basement of the cabin and make a run for it.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Kopaka: I guess it’s less violent than our last few plans of getting away from these people.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: Are you agreeing with me?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Kopaka: If that’s true, then let’s forget this conversation ever happened.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: Fine by me.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);](Enter Pohatu, Lewa, and Onua)[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Lewa: So what’s the plan-scheme?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: We’re locking the owner in the basement of the cabin.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Lewa: Sound’s good-fine to me.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Onua: It isn’t the most practical of solutions, but as long as it gets the job done.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);](Enter Takanuva)[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Takanuva: Must we continue to cheat these owners out of their money? It is rather unfair…[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: You know, maybe we ought to lock Takanuva in the basement as well, and that would solve all our problems.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Onua: Strange question, but where’s Gali?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: Last time I saw her, she went to the grocery store. Should we wait for her?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);](Brief pause)[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]All (except for Pohatu): Nah.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Narrator: So, travelling a whopping sixty feet to get to the owner’s location, they headed to the front office to talk to him. The cabin owner, Mr. Whatyoudomakowsky – surprisingly Lewa pronounced this right – was a busy Matoran, although was able to make room for the six in the cramped office.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Mr. Whatyoudomakowsky: Alright, what do you guys want?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: Well, the electricity isn’t working in the basement. Maybe you could come and fix it for us?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Mr. Whatyoudomakowsky: Whatever. I’ll come.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Narrator: While this was going on, Gali had just returned from her grocery shopping, and upon returning, she decided to make herself a quick lunch. She turned on the stove when preparing to boil some soup, but neglected to put a pot with soup on the stove. She also neglected to remove the paper bag filled with groceries from the vicinity of the stove. Seeing as the bag did not have very good balance, it fell onto the fire on the stove, and began to burn rather hotly in the wooden cabin. Gali also had just walked outside of the cabin to go and investigate where the rest of the Toa Nuva went, therefore not even noticing the fire.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Narrator: Meanwhile, the Toa Nuva had just exited the office of Mr. Whatyoudomakowsky, just in time to see the Rent-A-Cabin burning.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Lewa: Tahu, did you start-ignite that?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: I swear, I wasn’t anywhere near the house.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);](Gali approaches the Toa Nuva)[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Gali: Hey guys, what’s up?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Tahu: Gali, did you happen to start that fire?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Gali: What?[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);](Gali looks behind her)[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Gali: I don’t think so.[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Mr. Whatyoudomakowsky: You people are the ones that burn down the Rent-A-Cabins, aren’t you? You are not getting away with this, you hear me? That’s it, you group of no-good corruptive – [/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Narrator: The following scenes contain violence which may not be appropriate for children. Therefore, we will just give you a short description of the following events. Mr. Whatyoudomakowsky tried to be rather violent towards Tahu and the other Toa, so naturally, Tahu and Lewa created a fire tornado to ward him off. The rest ran for their lives to their new home, and prepared for the next week. To them, they were happy because they didn’t need to move.[/color][/font]

 

 

 

 

 

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Episode End[/color][/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Word Count: 741 words[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]~:~[/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Word count might be off a little bit. Dunno, my math might have been wrong, but anyway, thanks for reading! There should be another chapter up soon, and by the way, I am now accepting guest stars. [/color][/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Remember, always PM me if you care to guest star in the next episode. I will have two to three roles per episode for people wanting to be in the comedy - nothing says you can't guest star twice in a row, too! You tell me how you want your character to act, and I will protray as best as I can. When I am finished, I will send you a draft of the episode for your approval. Thank you! ^^[/color][/font]

 

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]It has been decided that I will most likely be cancelling the story, due to lack of reviewers, lack of interest, and lack of time, most importantly. If I am going to be writing at all, I will probably not be writing in the comedies forum, and will barely be writing in the other writing forums as it is. Life has gotten too busy for me to continue this, so I hereby declare this cancelled. I will write one last chapter, and I will end the series there. Thank you for your kind reviews, everyone, and I am sad to see it end this way.[/color][/font]


Edited by Peach 00, Jan 05 2013 - 10:58 PM.

  • 0
On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 







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