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Vigilante


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#1 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Oct 28 2012 - 09:00 PM

Vigilante:

     The road through the forest was dark and dry, shaded well in the early evening. It was well trodden, yet there were no travelers in view. Complete silence reigned, and peace as well.     The sound of a horse broke through, and immediately the figure that had previously been hunched against a tree stump moved, his mottled cloak making him blend in well with the surroundings. There was the audible sound of a nock connecting to a string, and the figure stepped behind a tree, his longbow in hand. The approaching horsesteps were still a little way off, so he had time.     What do I know about him? The archer asked, solely in preparation. A warrior, and a skilled one, although not a knight. According to sources in the last village he had passed through, this warrior had plagued the entire countryside, usually accompanied by a band of armed ruffians; able warriors, but far deadlier than their leader. Jacques was his name, and the villagers had other names for him; words that were muttered, and probably not decent in the least.     The archer could see movement, and half drew his bow back, waiting.     The black horse trotted into view, with two short lines of footmen following on either side. With skill born of long practice, the archer sent an arrow straight through the skull of the horse. Chaos followed, as the footmen swerved to avoid the falling horse, and the man aback of it who jumped clear just in time. The archer noted the escape as he was drawing back another arrow, which he sent into the chest of the farthest footman. Then another, and another: by the time the bandits had realized what was happening, half their number had fallen. The few with shields huddled behind them, searching desperately for their attacker.     Arrows flew in, and all but two of the footmen collapsed. The remaining bandits huddled behind their crude kite shields, waiting for a movement, or at the least a command from their leader.     Arrows flew in, piercing eyes as they peered about the shield, or feet protruding out from under. As Jacques rose to his feet from where he had fallen, he was greeted by the sight of his last footman falling to the ground, dead. He got his round shield in place just in time, as another arrow buried itself in the center.     However, Jacques was far from a normal soldier, and unlike his unlucky followers, began to run. He had some knowledge of the skill of his attacker, but even an archer of that skill could not hit a target that moved as fast, and was covered as well, as he was. An arrow buried itself in the ground next to him, another in his shield. He laughed in triumph as he reached the tree his attacker must be behind-     -But even as he lowered his shield and struck out with his sword, an arrow slammed into his right shoulder, sending both man and sword to the ground. He lay there groaning, watching helplessly as the mottled figure approached, kicking his weapons away.     “Who… Are you?” he gasped.     The figure smiled under his cowled hood.     “I am a King’s Ranger,” was the simple reply.

Edited by Zarayna, Nov 18 2012 - 10:20 AM.

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#2 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted Mar 06 2013 - 11:58 PM

Hey, it's Zaxvo from the SSCC! Your story has been selected for a free review!Right off the bat this reminds of John Flanagan's The Ranger's Apprentice series. Which is definitely not a bad thing. :)I have to bits of constructive criticism for you. First, that the story is a little short. You have excellent execution and vocabulary, so let it shine through! Extend the tale a bit. Elaborate some more. Let the descriptions become really vivid. Anything at all to make it last a bit longer.Second thing is that some of your sentences can be a bit wordy at times; they'll sound a bit awkward. For example,

The sound of a horse broke through, and immediately the figure that had previously been hunched against a tree stump moved, his mottled cloak making him blend in well with the surroundings.

It would be cleaner to say something like:

The sound of a horse broke peaceful quiet, and immediately the figure hidden behind a tree stump stepped out on to the path, his mottled cloak shimmering behind him.

You lose the bit about the cloak blending him in well, but it doesn't really work in this context, because the entire sentence was about how the ranger broke his cover; why worry about how he maintained it?Anyhow, just a quick read through your sentences, some times reading them aloud helps, will help you figure out if they're wordy or awkward.Overall though, I really enjoyed it. Brought back some great memories :)

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