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Eldritch Abomination

Poem Halloween Nightmare Poetry Behemoth

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7 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Velox

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Posted Oct 31 2012 - 02:00 AM

Eldritch AbominationYou feelThat inexplicable, utterly chilling senseThat you are being watched.Up and down your spineIn wavesThe icy electricity goes shudderingAnd you tense, frightenedReady to runBut there’s no warningNone at all.From the darkness behind youA hiss.The fear grips you again.You feelYour shoulders being torn backwardYour body being lifted off the ground like a rag doll—It got you.The creature is revealedIn the brief instant it steps into the lightThe sight is horrible;The grotesque features unveiled.You scream in unadulterated fearThe knife-sized teeth advanceReady to tear your body apart.The dream is realBut it’s too late.With another hiss,The creature darts its bloody mawAwful jaws agapeDown toward you.You cry out againIn horrorIn painIn terrible agony.Its tentacles consume youAnd it all ends.

~ :: ~


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#2 Offline Kakaru

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Posted Oct 31 2012 - 02:06 AM

SOMEONE HAS BEEN READING LOVECRAFT : DThat was actually pretty nice. Not as utterly dread-inducing as the original stories, but a neat vignette nonetheless.also a set of sharp teeth isn't as scary as celestial music but whatever
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#3 Offline The Lord Of Wednesday

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Posted Oct 31 2012 - 08:16 AM

Very nice, I do love me some eldritch abominations in stories. I take it you are into tropes too? Guessing from the title.

Edited by Samhain, Oct 31 2012 - 04:27 PM.

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#4 Offline Ballom

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Posted Oct 31 2012 - 09:52 AM

Needs more mind-bending alien geometries full of things man was not meant to know, etc. :PBut yes, interesting poem. I agree with most of Kakaru's comments as well.~B~
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#5 Offline Velox

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Posted Oct 31 2012 - 01:59 PM

Thank you, you three, for your comments! As I explained here, this wasn't directly inspired by HP Lovecraft (I've actually only read a couple of his short stories [and none recently], unfortunately, but I definitely plan of reading more) -- Tolkien suggested this title for me, and I liked it and thought it fit. I'm thinking now maybe I should've explained that in the main post, but I didn't want anything else there but the poem itself. But anyway, I'm glad you guys enjoyed it, and thank you again for your comments!Posted Image
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"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender


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[ The Shadowy Verge :: Midnight Voltage :: The Ambage :: SSCC ]


#6 Offline Cederak

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Posted Oct 31 2012 - 07:39 PM

There's something to be said about a man who over-analyzes the world. Since I'm not here to talk about that though, let's talk about your poem. :)On the surface, this is the story of someone, anyone, feeling afraid, alone, and then, reaching out from the dark recesses of the night, a monster consumes them. Beneath that, I found myself discovering much more. Over-analyzing, it would seem, is the metal detector of the poetic world. For me, this seemed to describe a journey through life, one that requires its fair share of monsters to make or break us. We're ready to run so early in life, but it truly does come without a warning, as you said. In time, we taught what to run from or run toward, what to shape our lives around, what morality there is to be found in the world. And then the fear of maturity comes for us, "shoulders being torn backward" and "you body being lifted off the ground like a ragdoll." Life is the monster that comes for us, changing us, aging us, making us reexamine what naïve eyes once beheld. In that moment, sometimes more concrete for some than others, growing up transitions into the end of our innocence, the loss of our uncertainty. As the monster steps into view, we suddenly know where we stand with the world and what it will take to achieve success in the face of adversity in all its forms.And that, Velox, is terrifying. That is worthy of an "unadulterated scream," because the monster has come to tear our body apart. The monster was life, but as we greet sunrise after sunrise, it morphs into a final form - that of death. Death and its predecessor, aging, are all the "horror," "pain," and "agony," before the conclusion. So much of life revolves around the fear of death, and whether you have enjoyed the time you have spent or not, a time will come when the monster must "consume" everything. What is born must die, for that is the natural order. Positively beautiful and absolutely horrifying…all at once.From a more simple, poetic standpoint though, let's pretend for a moment that you didn't plan to make any sort of statement. The tip of the iceberg for me was the story of a monster killing a person, no questions asked, no remorse. Like many monsters, less is more, and that worked to your advantage here. Details were simple, using exactly what you needed when you needed it, and nothing more. Sometimes, I like a little more, and the redeeming line here was "icy electricity." That stood out as a poetic line - powerful…resonant…clear.It's fair to say that I have a particular inexperience with critiquing poetry. Did I feel like this review changed that for me? Well…no such luck. However, I had fun diving into what this poem meant in my mind. Thank you for sharing that with me.-Ced
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#7 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 10:56 PM

Hey, it's Zaxvo here from the SSCC! Your story has been selected for a free review! ...but you already knew that, didn't you? :PAnyhow, all joking aside, before I start my critique I want to clarify that I am woefully inexperienced in reviewing poetry, but I'll do the best I can.There haven't been many pieces of writing that have given me chills in the past -- I can count the list off the fingers of one of my hands. But somehow, miraculously, your poem here is one of those pieces of literature that I found to be genuinely scary. So kudos to you there.The structure of the poem itself is slightly odd...there's no regularity to it at all, which I would say is a mirroring of the abomination itself, which is grotesque and inhuman and twisted. that line of analysis leads us to interpreting the reader as the main character -- which, duh, is obvious from the use of the second person perspective -- and the poem itself as the monster. I'm inclined to stick to this interpretation because, as I mentioned above, the poem really did sneak up on me and send shivers of icy electricity down my back.My only real complaint is one of continuity; at the end of the first stanza there's no warning at all of anything, but immediately following that statement we, the reader, hear a hissing noise behind us. It seems kind of contradictory, but it's nothing major. I could be misreading the poem.Lastly, just a stylistic suggestion, I would have split the final stanza into two, so it looked tike this:

Its tentacles consume youAnd it allEnds.

But honestly, that's just a stylistic decision and it's fine how you have it now.Overall, one of the most well written pieces of literature that I have ever had the pleasure (or horror, haha) of reading. Well done.

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#8 Offline Kragghle

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Posted Mar 15 2013 - 03:09 PM

:kaukau: [color=#0000ff;]Pretty short poem.  While personally, I would have preferred a structure similar to The Raven, given the subject matter, it's no big deal.   could over-analyze this, but it's really just a short poem, so it's no big deal.  I was entertained the moment I saw the title, and I thought "awe darn" when I realized that it would make a great idea for a short story with the same name.  Something about Eldritch Abominations translates real well to short stories, or at least as far as my imagination goes.  So I'm just wondering, in case I do this, if it would be okay with you if I wrote a short story with the same title as this poem.[/color]

 

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