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The Last Chronicle

Kodan Memoirs of the Dead TNT Chronicle Dark Hunters

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#1 Offline The Legendary TNT

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Posted Oct 31 2012 - 01:59 PM

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The Sea Gate Mission:
 
Today, I received a summons from Turaga Dume. It was very early in the morning, so I didn’t really want to get up. However, the Vahki escort at my door told me I should probably get up see what it was about. I arrived at the Coliseum and the two Zadakh directed me to Dume’s private chambers. When I arrived, I saw Naho, Toa of Water and the silent Toa of Ice known only as Freeze.
 
“Welcome, Kodan. I trust the Vahki weren’t too…persuasive. It’s all to ensure your safety. You and these Toa have an important mission ahead of you,” said Turaga Dume.
 
“And what is that mission?” asked Naho.
 
“You will be going to the southernmost Sea Gate and closing it so that we can have a barricade against any attacks that might come that way. We already know that dangerous Rahi are coming in through them so it is imperative that they are closed,” explained Dume.
 
“But won’t that halt our trade with lands like Xia and the Tren Krom Peninsula?” asked Naho.
 
“It will weaken them, yes, but then they don’t really have much to offer us, do they?” asked the Turaga.
 
Both Toa shrugged.
 
“Well, then you shouldn’t have a problem with this task!” said the Turaga, enthusiastically, “It should take you maybe four days maximum, but remember; take all the time you need. Now, Chronicler; I need you to go with them to record their story.”
 
“OK, but I don’t see what could possibly happen,” I said. Why would a chronicler need to go on a mission that was supposed to be easy? I went with it though.
 
“You never know where an adventure could turn up,” he said.
 
“Alright, if you say so,” I said dismissively.
 
“Excellent! Your airship leaves from the Moto-Hub at noon today. “
 
And I thought, Oh joy.
 

---

 
I arrived at the Moto-Hub and realized that I had forgoten my Reconstitute at Random disk. I take it with me on every trip I go on and it’s kind of a symbol for luck.
 
On my way to the boarding dock I ran into a strange looking Ta-Matoran with a blue Pakari.
 
“Oof! Sorry, I didn’t see you the-oh! You’re him! You’re the Chronicler!”
 
“Yes, and I’m in a hurry so could you please stand aside,” I said, then realizing that I might have hurt his feelings I said, “Look, I’m sorry, I can’t sign anything right now, just take this,” and I gave him a souvenir that I got from Ga-Metru.
 
“Cool!” he exclaimed. He told me his name was Takua as I was running to the loading dock. I got on before I could hear anything else.
 

---

 
It is a nice airship, with a cargo bay, auto pilot, observation deck, multiple floors and rooms, and spare Kanoka disk storage compartment. I’m no expert on aircraft -- or vehicles in general for that matter -- but it is a thing of beauty.
 
I found Naho in the cockpit. She looked concerned.
 
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
 
“Something just seems…I don’t know …off,” she said slowly.
 
“With what?” I asked, although I had a feeling I already knew what she was talking about.
 
“This mission to close the gate, I mean, how would it benefit anyone by doing this? Rahi numbers aren’t really as high as the Turaga is trying to say. Trust me, I take care of a lot of Rahi in Ga-Metru.”
 
“So what do you think the real reason for this mission is?” I asked.
 
She paused for a full minute.
 
“I don’t know. But he is the Turaga, and he knows what’s best,” she said, and then she scanned the cloudy horizon for the sea gate. At that moment, a tiny passing thought came into my mind. It was a small, idle thought, yet a disturbing thought. What if the Turaga doesn’t have the Matoran’s best interest at heart?
 
However, I dismissed this idea as ridiculous. After all, Turaga Dume would always keep the safety of the Matoran first, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t purposely put Metru Nui in danger, would he?
 
Naho snapped me out of my daydream. “There it is!”
 
Freeze ran in and looked to see what she was talking about, while I pulled out a small telescope from my pack to get a better view.
 
It was hard to make out what it was due to an overhanging fog, but sure enough, there was a large hole in the Great Barrier that was big enough for a ship to pass through. When we landed near the ledge by the hole I noticed a wheel off to the side embedded in the wall. It was obvious what it was; a wheel that you turn to open and close the gate. How easy that would be, I had no clue, but it had to be turned to close it. We got out and I put my hands on the wheel and tried to turn it with all my might, but it didn’t budge. A hand laid itself on my shoulder. I looked up to see that it was Freeze, almost as if to say that it’s not my place. So I backed away.
 
Both Toa put their hands on the wheel. They strained for many minutes before they decided that they needed a new method. So Freeze created a pillar of ice that was wedged between a rock and a spoke in the wheel while Naho created extra moisture for the pillar to expand. When the pillar’s length expanded, the wheel turned. When the pillar got to be too long for the wheel, Naho would smash it. This process was repeated multiple times, but even then, by the time night had fallen, they were exhausted. But they did it, they closed the gate.
 
Naho said, “Well, I think that’s the hardest I’ve worked since that swim to get more Toa to help us in the War!”
 
Freeze nodded.
 
We boarded the airship and I went to my quarters to write this chroni--
 

----

 
The report sent to The Shadowed One by Eliminator:
 
By the time you receive this message, I will have killed two Toa on their airship from Metru Nui. Also, I killed a Po-Matoran chronicler named Kodan who was also on the trip.
 
I slipped onto their ship while they were closing the gate and took a 117, a 368, a 656, a 188, and a 527 out of the disk compartment and obliterated them, taking their masks and weapons as trophies. I also stabbed the Po-Matoran with the staff he had with him (the one that showed his rank), and attached the chronicle that he was writing to this report. By the time you get it, I will have sent their airship to the bottom of the sea and moved on to my next location.
 
Be sure to send our client my regards.
 
 
1,162 Words, including dividers

Edited by bonesiii, May 22 2014 - 07:06 PM.
Format reconstructed after a BZP glitch. -bones

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#2 Offline Toa of Italy

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Posted Nov 01 2012 - 10:38 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.Mostlya few typos and some issues which don't exactly qualify as mistakes.

When I arrived, I saw Naho, Toa of Water and The silent Toa of Ice known only as Freeze.

Capital letter in "The" isn't correct.

You will be going to the southernmost Seagate and closing it so that we can have a barricade against any attacks that might come that way. We already know that dangerous Rahi are coming in through them so it is imperative that they are closed,” explained Dume.

I think we only heard it referred to as Sea Gate.

I arrived at the Moto-Hub and realized that I forgot my Reconstitute at Random disk. I take it with me on every trip I go on and it’s kind of a symbol for luck.

"Had forgotten", not "forgot".

What if the Turaga didn’t have the Matoran’s best interest at heart?

If you put it in italics, you use direct speech to report Kodan's thoughts and should use the present tense. Otherwise, just remove the italics.

However, I dismissed this idea as ridiculous. After all, Turaga Dume has always kept the safety of the Matoran first, hasn’t he? He wouldn’t purposely put Metru Nui in danger, would he?

More or less same problem. It isn't mandatory to put thoughts in italics, but if you do it once, you should do it always. Otherwise, just change the tenses of the two questions (and put a past tense).

It was obvious what it was; a wheel that you turn to open and close the gate. How easy that would be, I have no clue, but it had to be turned to close it.

"Turned", not "turn". And "had", not "have".

Both Toa put their hands on the wheel. They strained for many hours before they decided that they needed a new method. So Freezecreated a pillar of ice that was wedged between a rock and a spoke in the wheel while Naho created extra moisture for the pillar to expand. When the pillar expanded, the wheel turned.

I would advise you not to start a new line in the middle of a sentence (I guess it happened when you pasted the story onto the forums). I also think you could explain better the method the Toa used to close the gate.Canon issues

“But won’t that halt our trade with lands like Xia and the Tren Krom Peninsula?” asked Naho.

Not properly a mistake. However, you might want to replace the Tren Krom Peninsula with another land, mainly because all the descriptions we've heard of that place talk about a land which had really little to offer.I also didn't quite get why Teridax would insist so much on Kodan going with the Toa Mangai and getting killed. I mean, the deaths of the Toa had a reason behind them, but Kodan was a simple Matoran.I hesitate to tell you to change it, since it isn't a real mistake. But if you can find another reason for Kodan to go with the Toa and place it within the story without editing too much, I think you should.

The report sent to The Shadowed One by Eliminator: By the time you receive this message, I will have killed two Toa on their airship from Metru Nui. Also, I killed a Po-Matoran chronicler named Kodan who was also on the trip. I slipped onto their ship while they were closing the gate and took a 117, a 368, a 656, a 188, and a 527 out of the disk compartment and obliterated them, taking their masks and weapons as trophies. I also stabbed the Po-Matoran with the staff he had with him (the one that showed his rank), and attached the chronicle that he was writing to this report. By the time you get it, I will have sent their airship to the bottom of the sea and moved on to my next location. Be sure to send our client my regards.

I don't know if this sort of thing is allowed. Personally, I quite liked this solution, but I don't know if you actually can add a few lines written by someone else to your entry. You might want to ask about it on the contest topic (my apologies if you or someone else has already done so).

Edited by Toa of Italy, Nov 01 2012 - 10:39 AM.

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#3 Offline The Legendary TNT

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Posted Nov 01 2012 - 01:30 PM

As for the typos and grammar issues *face palm* I feel silly. However, I want to wait to see what other judges say about it before I ask for it to be edited.As for the ending, in the contest rules it says that someone can finish the memoir or something of the like.
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#4 Offline Makuta Matata

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Posted Nov 01 2012 - 02:23 PM

I loved that plot twist at the end.
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#5 Online bonesiii

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Posted Nov 01 2012 - 06:46 PM

I haven't re-read this yet, but just real quick -- the end bit is allowed, yes; the rules make that clear. And it's canon that Kodan died on that trip, so Teridax must have sent him along. A possible reason is that Teridax might think the Chronicler would be among the most likely to put two and two together, as I'd say this story implies -- Kodan was starting to suspect as portrayed here.
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#6 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Nov 04 2012 - 09:56 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

“It should take you maybe 4 days maximum, but remember; take all the time you need. Now, Chronicler; I need you to go with them to record their story.”

I'm not sure if it's a real rule, but most English teachers I've had have made me spell out numbers under twenty. -TLhikan

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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#7 Offline The Legendary TNT

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Posted Nov 05 2012 - 02:41 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

“It should take you maybe 4 days maximum, but remember; take all the time you need. Now, Chronicler; I need you to go with them to record their story.”

I'm not sure if it's a real rule, but most English teachers I've had have made me spell out numbers under twenty.-TLhikan

Yeah, I learned that a few days after I posted it :P Since I have two days left, may I have permission to edit my mistakes?EDIT: OK, so seven days until the deadline. I thought it was the 7th for some reason.

Edited by TNT-DJ Vezon, Nov 05 2012 - 08:02 PM.

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#8 Offline fishers64

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Posted Nov 05 2012 - 03:27 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

“It should take you maybe 4 days maximum, but remember; take all the time you need. Now, Chronicler; I need you to go with them to record their story.”

I'm not sure if it's a real rule, but most English teachers I've had have made me spell out numbers under twenty.-TLhikan

Yeah, I learned that a few days after I posted it :P Since I have two days left, may I have permission to edit my mistakes?

TLhikan is an authorized contest judge, and his posting of the mistake allows you to edit it (per the contest rules). Go ahead.

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#9 Offline The Legendary TNT

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Posted Nov 05 2012 - 07:48 PM

These are errors that I saw while editing. Permission to fix as well?

“It will weaken them, yes, but then they don’t really have much to offer us, do they?” asked the Turaga. Both Toa shrugged. “Well, then you shouldn’t have a problem with this task!” said the Turaga, enthusiastically, “It should take you maybe 4 days maximum, but remember; take all the time you need. Now, Chronicler; I need you to go with them to record their story.”

Paragraph breaks needs to be like the others.

Freeze ran in and looked to see what she was talking about, while I pulled out a small telescope from my pack to get a better view. It was hard to make out what it was due to an overhanging fog, but sure enough, there was a large hole in the Great Barrier that was big enough for a ship to pass through. When we landed near the ledge by the hole I noticed a wheel off to the side embedded in the wall. It was obvious what it was; a wheel that you turn to open and close the gate. How easy that would be, I have no clue, but it had to be turned to close it. We got out and I put my hands on the wheel and tried to turn it with all my might, but it didn’t budge. A hand laid itself on my shoulder. I looked up to see that it was Freeze, almost as if to say that it’s not my place. So I backed away.

There should either be a paragraph break or combine the paragraphs.

Edited by TNT-DJ Vezon, Nov 05 2012 - 07:53 PM.

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#10 Offline fishers64

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Posted Nov 06 2012 - 02:15 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

These are errors that I saw while editing. Permission to fix as well?

“It will weaken them, yes, but then they don’t really have much to offer us, do they?” asked the Turaga. Both Toa shrugged. “Well, then you shouldn’t have a problem with this task!” said the Turaga, enthusiastically, “It should take you maybe 4 days maximum, but remember; take all the time you need. Now, Chronicler; I need you to go with them to record their story.”

Paragraph breaks needs to be like the others.

Freeze ran in and looked to see what she was talking about, while I pulled out a small telescope from my pack to get a better view. It was hard to make out what it was due to an overhanging fog, but sure enough, there was a large hole in the Great Barrier that was big enough for a ship to pass through. When we landed near the ledge by the hole I noticed a wheel off to the side embedded in the wall. It was obvious what it was; a wheel that you turn to open and close the gate. How easy that would be, I have no clue, but it had to be turned to close it. We got out and I put my hands on the wheel and tried to turn it with all my might, but it didn’t budge. A hand laid itself on my shoulder. I looked up to see that it was Freeze, almost as if to say that it’s not my place. So I backed away.

There should either be a paragraph break or combine the paragraphs.

Agreed. Authorized. :)

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#11 Offline The Legendary TNT

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Posted Nov 06 2012 - 05:12 PM

Fixed!

When I arrived, I saw Naho, Toa of Water and The silent Toa of Ice known only as Freeze.

When I arrived, I saw Naho, Toa of Water and the silent Toa of Ice known only as Freeze.

You will be going to the southernmost Seagate and closing it so that we can have a barricade against any attacks that might come that way. We already know that dangerous Rahi are coming in through them so it is imperative that they are closed,” explained Dume.

You will be going to the southernmost Sea Gate and closing it so that we can have a barricade against any attacks that might come that way. We already know that dangerous Rahi are coming in through them so it is imperative that they are closed,” explained Dume.

I arrived at the Moto-Hub and realized that I forgot my Reconstitute at Random disk. I take it with me on every trip I go on and it’s kind of a symbol for luck.

I arrived at the Moto-Hub and realized that I had forgoten my Reconstitute at Random disk. I take it with me on every trip I go on and it’s kind of a symbol for luck.

What if the Turaga didn’t have the Matoran’s best interest at heart?

What if the Turaga doesn’t have the Matoran’s best interest at heart?

However, I dismissed this idea as ridiculous. After all, Turaga Dume has always kept the safety of the Matoran first, hasn’t he? He wouldn’t purposely put Metru Nui in danger, would he?

However, I dismissed this idea as ridiculous. After all, Turaga Dume would always keep the safety of the Matoran first, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t purposely put Metru Nui in danger, would he?

Both Toa put their hands on the wheel. They strained for many hours before they decided that they needed a new method. So Freezecreated a pillar of ice that was wedged between a rock and a spoke in the wheel while Naho created extra moisture for the pillar to expand. When the pillar expanded, the wheel turned.

Both Toa put their hands on the wheel. They strained for many hours before they decided that they needed a new method. So Freeze created a pillar of ice that was wedged between a rock and a spoke in the wheel while Naho created extra moisture for the pillar to expand. When the pillar’s length expanded, the wheel turned. When the pillar got to be too long for the wheel, Naho would smash it. This process was repeated multiple times, but even then, by the time night had fallen, they were exhausted. But they did it, they closed the gate.

“It should take you maybe 4 days maximum, but remember; take all the time you need. Now, Chronicler; I need you to go with them to record their story.”

“It should take you maybe four days maximum, but remember; take all the time you need. Now, Chronicler; I need you to go with them to record their story.”

“It will weaken them, yes, but then they don’t really have much to offer us, do they?” asked the Turaga. Both Toa shrugged. “Well, then you shouldn’t have a problem with this task!” said the Turaga, enthusiastically, “It should take you maybe 4 days maximum, but remember; take all the time you need. Now, Chronicler; I need you to go with them to record their story.”

“It will weaken them, yes, but then they don’t really have much to offer us, do they?” asked the Turaga. Both Toa shrugged. “Well, then you shouldn’t have a problem with this task!” said the Turaga, enthusiastically, “It should take you maybe 4 days maximum, but remember; take all the time you need. Now, Chronicler; I need you to go with them to record their story.”

Freeze ran in and looked to see what she was talking about, while I pulled out a small telescope from my pack to get a better view. It was hard to make out what it was due to an overhanging fog, but sure enough, there was a large hole in the Great Barrier that was big enough for a ship to pass through. When we landed near the ledge by the hole I noticed a wheel off to the side embedded in the wall. It was obvious what it was; a wheel that you turn to open and close the gate. How easy that would be, I have no clue, but it had to be turned to close it. We got out and I put my hands on the wheel and tried to turn it with all my might, but it didn’t budge. A hand laid itself on my shoulder. I looked up to see that it was Freeze, almost as if to say that it’s not my place. So I backed away.

Freeze ran in and looked to see what she was talking about, while I pulled out a small telescope from my pack to get a better view. It was hard to make out what it was due to an overhanging fog, but sure enough, there was a large hole in the Great Barrier that was big enough for a ship to pass through. When we landed near the ledge by the hole I noticed a wheel off to the side embedded in the wall. It was obvious what it was; a wheel that you turned to open and close the gate. How easy that would be, I had no clue, but it had to be turned to close it. We got out and I put my hands on the wheel and tried to turn it with all my might, but it didn’t budge. A hand laid itself on my shoulder. I looked up to see that it was Freeze, almost as if to say that it’s not my place. So I backed away.

Edited by TNT-DJ Vezon, Nov 06 2012 - 05:13 PM.

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#12 Online bonesiii

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Posted Nov 12 2012 - 11:40 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.Have re-read now. Found just a few more issues, all very minor. And let me repeat that I enjoyed this story a lot, especially the clever cut-off to Kodan's part of it. :Pthen she scanned the cloudyThere's two spaces between scanned and the; cut one.Naho snapped me out of my daydream, “There it is!”Comma should be a period in this case.Both Toa put their hands on the wheel. They strained for many hoursTwo spaces between the sentences. Also, I doubt they would strain for many hours; change to minutes. If it isn't working in "many minutes", then they would surely switch to a different strategy.
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#13 Offline The Legendary TNT

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Posted Nov 12 2012 - 08:06 PM

Fixed!

then she scanned the cloudy

then she scanned the cloudy

Naho snapped me out of my daydream, “There it is!”

Naho snapped me out of my daydream. “There it is!”

Both Toa put their hands on the wheel. They strained for many hours

Both Toa put their hands on the wheel. They strained for many minutes

Edited by TNT-DJ Vezon, Nov 12 2012 - 08:09 PM.

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#14 Offline Willess12

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Posted Nov 14 2012 - 09:19 PM

I like this addition to the story. And an appearance by Kodan is great,
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92% of teens have moved onto rap.

If you are part of the 8% that still listen to real music, copy and paste this into your signature.

#15 Offline The Legendary TNT

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Posted Nov 15 2012 - 02:31 PM

Thanks! I wanted to use a character with not a lot of story development. I also figured people would pick Naho as their protagonist because she's a Toa with not a lot of story development. Then I started going down the list and (I'm rambling again) I was like, "Kodan! That could work!" I liked him because he wasn't a powerful character, but had a story to tell. Then I thought about his death and how much we don't know about him. So I said, "Yup. Kodan." And that's how I picked him as my protagonist.

 

EDIT: There's a banner instead of a normal title and name.


Edited by TNT-DJ Vezon, Dec 20 2012 - 03:33 PM.

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#16 Online Dual Cee

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Posted Dec 26 2012 - 06:22 PM

Thanks! I wanted to use a character with not a lot of story development. I also figured people would pick Naho as their protagonist because she's a Toa with not a lot of story development. Then I started going down the list and (I'm rambling again) I was like, "Kodan! That could work!" I liked him because he wasn't a powerful character, but had a story to tell. Then I thought about his death and how much we don't know about him. So I said, "Yup. Kodan." And that's how I picked him as my protagonist. EDIT: There's a banner instead of a normal title and name.

That's exactly how I took my little Botar, first I tought of Naho or Nidhini but then when I was choosing I saw mr Botar and he fitted perfectly.I liked the way you portrayed Kodan, like all other Croniclers he is not the stereotype matoran, he doesn't really want to work, doesn't really trust his turaga, that gives his character some more depth. Also that cameo of Takua was genious it displayed the character of Takua right and gave us some sort of hint in him becoming the next cronicler.

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