Posted Nov 04 2012 - 04:49 PM
When the Swordbearer falls
and the souls are freed,
When the darkness calls
and the fighters rise
in a time of need,
The legends shall name it
Posted Nov 04 2012 - 05:38 PM
Posted Nov 04 2012 - 08:03 PM
Posted Nov 14 2012 - 09:57 PM
I'll get a complaint out of the way first. This was a bit awkward and unclear. It appeared, at first, as if rockslide was the subject of caused; and so while I was waiting to see what the rockslide had caused several islands to do, I ran up against back and had, which disrupted the flow of the sentence and pulled me out of the story for a moment to disentangle the words. This happens with awkward sentence structure. As many sentences as a writer writes of the course of his or her life, of course, no one has ever avoided this; it happens to the best, and often. But it's something you want to look out for.
A rockslide caused several islands back had ruined his leg, and an unintentional dip in a dense mud pool had made him unrecognizable.
Here's a fine example of powerful description. But you don't dive right into the details; you gracefully slip into them by starting out with a little narration to give life and character, and then bringing us to the description through words adeptly chosen to strike the same fear into our hearts as you strike into the Matoran's.Overall I thought you were lacking structural integrity; but in a piece of art, it's not the canvas or the paint that matters, but the painting itself. For what this was, it was excellent.Thank you for choosing the SSCC,
Until now the Le-Matoran had never witnessed a Rahkshi outside of the stories his old Turaga used to tell. Now with the creature staring at him from the other side of the gate, he noticed that the stories did the Rahkshi no justice. They were far, far worse in person. He could hear the Kraata squelching as it squirmed within the shell; the way the Rahkshi’s spine curled slowly first one way, then the other. The staff of the Rahkshi was glowing softly as if already in use, as if it were already busy injecting pure fear into him.
Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith
Edited by My Name is Nuile, Nov 14 2012 - 10:01 PM.
When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . .
I know I am ready to start my voyage.
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