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The Luckiest Grandfather in the World

write off Ambage toys

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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Jean Valjean

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Posted Nov 04 2012 - 09:20 PM

Theo payed an unexpected visit to his grandson's house."Who are you?" asked Michael."I am you grandfather, Theophilus Rhodes Zweifel," he said. He stood in the doorframe for a full beat before Michael turned around to look at a woman with short hair and bangs hanging in his face, the woman that Theo knew from the pictures in the newspapers was his granddaughter-in-law. What a shame he wasn't invited to the wedding.Ah, and how precisely like his father, Leonidas, did Michael appear. The same narrow features, the same princely looks, the same flaming orange hair that crowned the head of every man in the Zweifel family. It was a shame that Michael had lost his eyes in such a tragic accident."I'm not sure who you are, but you should leave," said Michael, and he closed the the door, but Theo blocked it with his foot."Not so fast, son," he said. "I know you lost your eyes, and you can't see me, but the physical resemblence that you have with your father, and therefore me...well, let's just say that my instinctive narcissism fills me with pride."That shy young lady, so thin, so hidden, slowly came up from behind Michael. He looked down to where he felt her hand on his arm. "He does look like you, just thought I'd mention it.""Well, regardless, you will let me in. I'm the current head of the treasury. I have some authority. Not that it demands that I be let in, but I'm an important man in the government all the same. It looks like the same could be said of you, Michael!"Michael backed up. Theo allowed himself entrance into the room, unashamed of himself."I'm familiar with the name. Head of banking or something like that," said Michael."You heard the name and didn't wonder if, by chance, that some Swiss immigrant with the same name as you was of some relation?" said Theo. "Well, as it happens, I have been unable to contact your father. Have you been in touch, Michael?""We don't talk.""Ah, like father, like son like grandson," said Theo. He leaned in with a smile. "I think that it's about time that we break that tradition. I would like to work with you, Micahel. You're perhaps the richest man alive thanks to your lucky investments. Very lucky investments, not to mention the surreal experiences you've gone through that make you quite unlike any man alive. Yet, you have no friends, only a wife and a sister to keep you company. What a strange hermit you are. With my help, I think this company you own could contribute to the world in brand new ways. What do you say?""Get out," said Michael."No, I don't think I will. See, I pulled some strings. I'm afraid that by several unique legal requirements, you must work with me. I just wanted to see if you would have shook my hand otherwise. Good day, Michael. I will see you tomorrow at work."Theo tipped his hat and left, flashing another evil smile. He was the luckiest grandfather in the world.
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#2 Offline Fastcar800

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Posted Nov 04 2012 - 09:38 PM

Ok... lol. Anyway, pretty, uh, good! :D
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#3 Offline Jean Valjean

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Posted Nov 04 2012 - 10:22 PM

:kaukau: Keep in mind that I only had 15 minutes to write this. Frankly, I hate it, although it's only an exercise and the premise is pretty cool. It's a scene I will write again some day, except in a much larger story and in much more detail. And then Michael will be far more testy of the intruder at his door, and Theo will be even more debonair. What I have here, however, I absolutely hate. perhaps that's a good thing, because it makes me want to go out and write much better scenes right now.Thanks, by the way. I wasn't expecting a comment.


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#4 Offline Mel

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Posted Mar 13 2013 - 10:07 AM

Official Short Stories Critics Club Charity Review


I really hesitate to give this a very detailed critique, because like you said, you wrote it in a few minutes.  I'll give you a tip on this: never post a story that you hate.  Let it stew for a day or two, and then you'll be in the right mind to go over it and revise.  I usually handwrite all my stories before posting them, and I find that I change a lot in the process of typing.


With that in mind, I shall proceed to the review.


Theo payed an unexpected visit to his grandson's house.


This story is written from Theo's point of view, so don't start with this.  Start with Michael opening the door.  It probably will take the same amount of words  or only a little more.


"He does look like you, just thought I'd mention it."


[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]The last phrase is awkward, it makes it sound like she's saying it casually.  In actuality, she's probably surprised and perhaps a bit afraid.  The sentence would sound something like: "He does look like you."  (The italics are not necessary.)[/color]


Michael backed up. Theo allowed himself entrance into the room, unashamed of himself.


Again, this story is initially from Theo's point of view.  I'm not sure that he would actively think about how unashamed of himself he is.  In general, I would like to see his thoughts color your prose a bit more.  You have some good examples at the beginning, but you sort of trail off as the dialogue becomes more central.  Theo is quite a character, so the inclusion of his thought process would make this story a lot more fun.


This is a nicely written vignette, but I would like to see a little bit more spice.  In particular, talk a bit about the setting.  I'd like to have some idea what kind of world they're living in.  I'm glad this sort of thing encourages you to write more.  Best wishes.

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