Posted Nov 04 2012 - 09:20 PM
Posted Nov 04 2012 - 10:22 PM
Posted Mar 13 2013 - 10:07 AM
Official Short Stories Critics Club Charity Review
I really hesitate to give this a very detailed critique, because like you said, you wrote it in a few minutes. I'll give you a tip on this: never post a story that you hate. Let it stew for a day or two, and then you'll be in the right mind to go over it and revise. I usually handwrite all my stories before posting them, and I find that I change a lot in the process of typing.
With that in mind, I shall proceed to the review.
Theo payed an unexpected visit to his grandson's house.
This story is written from Theo's point of view, so don't start with this. Start with Michael opening the door. It probably will take the same amount of words or only a little more.
"He does look like you, just thought I'd mention it."
[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]The last phrase is awkward, it makes it sound like she's saying it casually. In actuality, she's probably surprised and perhaps a bit afraid. The sentence would sound something like: "He does look like you." (The italics are not necessary.)[/color]
Michael backed up. Theo allowed himself entrance into the room, unashamed of himself.
Again, this story is initially from Theo's point of view. I'm not sure that he would actively think about how unashamed of himself he is. In general, I would like to see his thoughts color your prose a bit more. You have some good examples at the beginning, but you sort of trail off as the dialogue becomes more central. Theo is quite a character, so the inclusion of his thought process would make this story a lot more fun.
This is a nicely written vignette, but I would like to see a little bit more spice. In particular, talk a bit about the setting. I'd like to have some idea what kind of world they're living in. I'm glad this sort of thing encourages you to write more. Best wishes.
Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - Lucira - Morie - Akiyo - Yukie - Shuuan - Ilykaed
My bones are hollow, that's where I keep my marrow
This quiver in my lip, that's just where I keep my arrows.
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