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Birth of the Kal - The Bahrag's Short Story

Birth Kal Bahrag

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#1 Offline joev14

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Posted Nov 04 2012 - 10:52 PM

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Alright, I've got 8 short stories in mind that I'll be writing. The first of these has already been posted, The Last Memories, and this is the second one, Birth of the Kal. The name is pretty self-explanatory, and the story explains even more. :PSo without further ado, I present to you...(hey that rhymes!)

Birth of the Kal

A pair of green eyes probed the darkness. After a few moments, another pair of eyes joined the first. The four eyes scanned the room for a little while longer, and then as one they moved closer to an eerie glowing pool of liquid at the center of the room.The pool’s glow revealed the identities of the two beings: the twin Bahrag Queens. Cahdok hissed, a sound similar to that of the deadly doom vipers that roamed the Tren Krom peninsula, whose toxic breath alone could kill a Matoran, or anything else foolish enough to get in its way.Though the blue Bahrag did not share this particular characteristic with the doom viper, she and it had much in common.Gahdok spoke, “It is time, sister.”Cahdok nodded and gnashed her teeth. She turned and the two of them watched as half a dozen Bohrok-Va carried a Tahnok into the room. They placed it on the ground in front of the two queens, and scuttled back into the darkness once more.They emerged again, this time with a Kohrak. They continued repeating this process until one member from each of the six elemental swarms lay on the ground in front of the Bahrag.The six Va turned back towards the entrance, but as they left, one of them, a Gahlok-Va, tripped and fell into the glowing pool at the center of the room. It let out a screech of alarm as it plunged into the substance.The other five Va eyed the pool curiously, waiting for their fellow servant to emerge. Instead, a hideous creature with two left arms emerged, letting out strange screams and spitting plasma on the ground. The other five Va hurried back into the corner of the room, horrified by the sight of what used to be their comrade.The creature let out a few more screams, then fell to the ground, dead. The Bahrag walked over to it, staring at the creature that had once been a servant of the water Bohrok. Gahdok hissed, “Look.”She pointed with one of her arms at the creature’s back. Inside was a shimmering cobalt colored Krana Su. Cahdok‘s eyes widened as she said, “A Krana-Kal! So the time is right!”Gahdok placed the Krana Su-Kal inside the Gahlok, and gave it a push, plunging it into the glowing liquid. She stared down at the pool, remembering back to when she and her sister had sensed a battle that would soon come, one in which they would most certainly be defeated. This foresight signaled that it was time to turn six destined Krana and Bohrok into the Super Bohrok, or Kal as the Matoran called it. This substance, a strange mixture of Protodermis and Antidermis, that was subsequently named Neutradermis, would bring forth these new Bohrok-Kal, but only when the time was right.The Bahrag watched as the Gahlok emerged. It was not the same as it was when it had entered the Neutradermis, nor was it a hideous creature like the Gahlok-Va. It was different, so much more powerful.The blue armor worn by normal Gahlok had almost completely been replaced by silver armor and weapons. Its clear-colored visor that protected its Krana had frosted over and also turned silver.The Bahrag stared down at their newly transformed child, and Cahdok said, “Welcome back, my son of water.”The Bahrag were taken aback when it audibly spoke in reply, “Thank you mother, but I no longer control the element of water.”It raised its weapon towards the other five Bohrok-Va, who were still cowering in the corner. Rays of power emitted from the weapon, and immediately the five Va were dragged from their hiding place and across the room by magnetism.With a sweep of its weapon, Gahlok-Kal hurled the Va into the pool. As it did so, it said, “And now it is time to bring my siblings to life.”Five more Krana-Kal floated to the surface, and Gahlok-Kal placed them inside the remaining five Bohrok. Each of them was plunged into the depths of the Neutradermis, and each of them emerged again, wearing silvery armor similar to that of Gahlok-Kal.The black one stepped forward and said, “Nuhvok-Kal, wielder of Gravity.”The red one said, “Tahnok-Kal, master of Electricity.”The brown one said, “Pahrak-Kal, controller of Plasma.”The green one simply said, “Lehvak-Kal, Vacuum.”The white one didn’t speak at all, and when the Bahrag turned expectantly towards it, it created a wall of sound that brought its brothers to their knees. After the other five Bohrok-Kal began to scream in loud metallic voices, it said, “Kohrok-Kal, ruler of sound.”Kohrok-Kal turned off its power, and Gahdok said, “My children, you all seem eager to show off your powers, but you must be patient, the time will come. For now, you must sleep. Stay in this room and rest, and once we have been defeated, you will awaken and rescue us, and destroy the Toa in the process!”One by one Tahnok-Kal, Lehvak-Kal, Kohrak-Kal, and Pahrak-Kal each curled up into their ball-like forms in the center of the room surrounding the pool. The Bahrag left, and as they did so Nuhvok-Kal and Gahlok-Kal used their powers to seal the entrance. They both rolled up and joined their brothers in sleep, until they were destined to awaken again and defeat the Toa…

Edited by joev14, Nov 05 2012 - 10:59 PM.

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Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

check out the exo-force wiki, owned by yours truly :D

 .
My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
 .
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

.

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The project that aims to create narrated versions of all the Bionicle books, with voice actors for each character, and music taken from various other media to enhance the story. PM me if you're interested in auditioning for a role!


#2 Offline Chro

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Posted Nov 05 2012 - 04:24 PM

Here comes your next review. Pretty neat story, I like how you presented the transformation and such.Here're my other thoughts on it...

Gahdok placed the Krana Su-Kal inside the Gahlok, and gave it a push, plunging it into the glowing liquid. She stared down at the pool, remembering back to when she and her sister had sensed a battle that would soon come, one in which they would most certainly be defeated. This foresight signaled that it was time to turn six destined Krana and Bohrok into the Super Bohrok, or Kal as the Matoran called it.

The title "Super Bohrok" seems a little silly, but I know what you were going for.It's worth mentioning that I quite like your description of the new Kal's appearance. Simple, but effective.

This substance, a strange mixture of Protodermis and Antidermis, that was subsequently named Neutradermis, would bring forth these new Bohrok-Kal, but only when the time was right.

Not sure how I feel about this idea, but hey, it isyour story. :D

The black one stepped forward and said, “Nuvhok-Kal, wielder of Gravity.”The red one said, “Tahnok-Kal, master of Electricity.”The brown one said, “Pahrak-Kal, controller of Plasma.”The green one simply said, “Levhak-Kal, Vacuum.”The white one didn’t speak at all, and when the Bahrag turned expectantly towards it, it created a wall of sound that brought its brothers to their knees. After the other five Bohrok-Kal began to scream in loud metallic voices, it said, “Kohrok-Kal, ruler of sound.”

I like how the actions and words of the various Kal communicate their powers and personalities, like how Kohrak-Kal mindscrews everyone and then goes to sleep. :lol:

Kohrok-Kal turned off its power, and Gahdok said, “My children, you all seem eager to show off your powers, but you must be patient, the time will come. For now, you must sleep. Stay in this room and rest, and once we have been defeated, you will awaken and rescue us, and destroy the Toa in the process!”

Again, not sure how I feel about the verbal communication of orders, considering the Bohrok's strongly interconnected hivemind. But it is certainly easier to write out dialogue for the reader to see, as opposed to saying something like, "Then Ghadok thought, "you will be awesome and stuff'". Because that'd be strange. :lol:Grammar and spelling was all fine as far as I saw.Overall quite nice; I'm eager to see where this little exposition series goes. :)

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#3 Offline joev14

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Posted Nov 05 2012 - 04:29 PM

Here comes your next review. Pretty neat story, I like how you presented the transformation and such.Here're my other thoughts on it...This substance, a strange mixture of Protodermis and Antidermis, that was subsequently named Neutradermis, would bring forth these new Bohrok-Kal, but only when the time was right.Not sure how I feel about this idea, but hey, it is your story.

Well, unfortunately, Greg stated that this substance isn't protodermis, (Which would have been my first choice, darn it greg!), so I needed to come up with a new material. I had a few others options, such as Hordika/Visorak Venom, and Pit Mutagen, but in the end I decided on something completely new. I've also always wanted to have a material that is a combination of protodermis and antidermis, and thus I created this neutradermis.

Grammar and spelling was all fine as far as I saw.Overall quite nice; I'm eager to see where this little exposition series goes. :)

Thanks for the review! up next is Key of the Codrex, a short story featuring Artakha when he travels to the Codrex to leave the three vehicles.....and a few other things...

Edited by joev14, Nov 05 2012 - 04:35 PM.

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Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

check out the exo-force wiki, owned by yours truly :D

 .
My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
 .
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

.

audio_narration_project_banner_wide.jpg

The project that aims to create narrated versions of all the Bionicle books, with voice actors for each character, and music taken from various other media to enhance the story. PM me if you're interested in auditioning for a role!


#4 Offline Cederak

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Posted Nov 05 2012 - 08:35 PM

How lucky are the Bahrag that their last resort plan encountered a Toa team that relied on physical objects to maintain their elemental powers? I mean, even Teridax got lucky when the Toa Hordika set him free, though that situation felt much less convenient. Anyway, this wasn't a bad effort. Much like with the first installment of this eight piece series, I think you outdid yourself once again. But, y'know…in a self-defeating kind of way.

So without further a do, I present to you...(hey that rhyms!)

Spelled "ado" and "rhymes." I know it's not part of the actual story, but…yeah.

who’s toxic breath alone

Spelled "whose."

or anything else foolish enough to get in its way.

This dragged the sentence out. Remove it or separate it - your call.Also, you misspelled Nuhvok and Lehvak each time you wrote it. A Ctrl+F hunt will help you find the errors.What is it about the Bohrok that made Bionicle fans enjoy them more than the Rahi? Much like Teridax in 2002/2003, they were cloaked in mystery. People like mystery - it reminds us of the ever-present darkness in life and the fear of the unknown. So when I see you start to throw out words like "Super Bohrok" and "Neutradermis" so casually, well, I think I'm justifiably frustrated. As much as I appreciate the curiosity born from something like leaving a thick sheet over a misshapen object, there has to be the right build up to make that important. If the reveal is too simple, the attempt falls flat. If the reveal is too intricate…hmm…I actually don't know how I'd compare that side of things to this story. I suppose the easy escape is to come out and say this reveal was anything but intricate.The obsessive group that haunts the S&T forum (and I say obsessive in the kindest way possible) would love to have more information on what the Bohrok were dipped in to make Bohrok Kal/Krana Kal. And Greg could either give them the answers, or loosely spell it out. For a non-canon approach to this, your terminology is as direct as though you were stating fact. Can you think of any idea why Greg didn't tell us all those years ago what the Bohrok/Krana were dipped in to be transformed? The first guess should be that he didn't know what to name it. I could believe that. The second guess, if you give it some thought, is that it doesn't matter. By spelling this out for the audience, you prematurely pulled the sheet away to reveal…I dunno…spilled milk or something. It took away from how impressive the moment began. But it didn't end there.Your Bohrok Kal were a little too basic, even for machines. Within the canon, they seemed to have a bit of an attitude, a superiority about their status and mission in life. That mindset doesn't just come from out of nowhere. It's made through continued success and a high learning curve. You handed the Bohrok Kal their powers, so…what? That's not impressive. Make them work for it, make them learn, perhaps destructively, what they are capable of. The payoff of learning to control it (which works as a subtle, meta reference to their inevitable loss of that control against the Toa Nuva) will support their arrogance.Convenience works against writers all the time. I am of the mind that life is not simple. I am also of the mind that art imitates life. That said, art should not be simple if you want it to feel realistic. This was a valiant effort and I can tell you're pushing yourself to think outside the Exo-Force box you were in when I first started reading your work. You and I know this isn't the finger painting you want on the fridge, this is supposed to be the game changer, the paradigm shift. I'm sure you take pride in your work, and I want to take pride in it too. But the road to achieving the latter isn't simple. So if you're thinking, "Hey, other people will read my work. Why listen to one critic?" please tell me. I'll step back and let the remaining six stories get reviewed by someone else. But if you're willing to hear me out and listen to the advice of a guy that spends too much time in front of his computer monitor, I'll do what I can to guide you toward improvement. I'm looking forward to your answer. Keep at it.-Ced

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