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Ask Makuta Returns! (for now)


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#1 Offline Karzhani the Utahraptor

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Posted Nov 19 2012 - 10:19 AM

Stumbled upon [url="[url="http://www.bzpower.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=249764"]http://www.bzpower.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=249764[/url]"]my old comedy (go read it!)[/url] and decided it might be worth it to continue, at least for a few entries. For those who are unfamiliar, read the post in the link: essentially, this is an "ask" format comedy, and the main characters are Makuta, Trazia (his aide), Mata Nui, and the author(s). This thread will pick up where the last one left off in terms of storyline, but will only feature the few core characters:Chapter 92ASK GUESS WHOWAIT FOR ITYOU GUESSED IT (OR YOU DIDN'T, IN WHICH CASE, HA-HA)MAKUTA(backstage)Makuta: Why am I back here again?Me: As it would appear, your universe - takeover schemes had failed, and the battle with Mata Nui left you with a huge hole at the back of your head, caused by an impact with Bota Magna. Sorry.Makuta: Wait what?!Trazia: Dude seriously its on the back of your head. Take a look yourself.Me: Yeah, Makuta can obviously see the back of his own head.(Makuta pulls out an iPhone 5 from his pocket)Makuta: This cutting - edge device is the thinnest, lightest, fastest, most durable and drop-resistant iPhone ever, and comes equipped with a new 8MP iSight Camera! Certainly this will do the trick! Was indeed worth my money.(Makuta uses it to take a photo of the back of his own head. Upon viewing the huge gaping hole where a large part of his head once was, a piercing scream emanated from his throat and he dropped the phone in horror, and the phone screen shatters into a million pieces)Makuta: *quickly covers the hole with duct tape* Certainly no one will notice. Right...guys? Trazia and Me: ....yeah.Makuta: Time to make an appearance!(the three step onto stage, only to be greeted by the sight of Mata Nui already there entertaining their crowd of cheering Matoran)Makuta: *shakes fist angrily* Time to deal with you once and for all.(Makuta grabs Mata Nui by the neck and tosses him out of the window, and a cat screeching is heard).Makuta: All right, we'll take the first question for today.

Hello Good Friend! We are the heirs of a wealthy Bone Hunter trading network! We have $1000,000 in frozen assets back at the Bara Magna desert! If only you could kindly send us $100 so that we may secure a plane ride back and we will gladly award you $10,000 of the money. - Sincerely, Nott, A. Skam, Bone Hunter, Mr.

Me: Oh yeah, and we've forgotten our customary deleting of spam *presses spam button".

HAY MAKUTA. THIS IS LIKE FRUM YOUR GREATEST FAN. I'D LIKE TO KNOW IF YOU SUCCEEDED IN YOUR PLANS TO LIKE, TOTALLY TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE. - XOXO

Makuta: No I didn't. Surely you would know that. Dealing with people like this reminds me of the old times, feels great to be back on the show.

Nice to hear from you again, Hello. -Anon

Makuta: That doesn't even qualify as a question! And hey, did you notice the last sentence was a rhyme?

Yeah, this must be some kind of sign - Anon

Makuta: No it isn't! Stop this!

Oh no, looks like you're going through a rhyming crisis - Anon

Makuta: Author! Think me of a word that doesn't rhyme!Me: Um..orange! Silver! Triglax! Mutran!Mutran: Yes?Makuta: Never mind Mutran, carry on being dead. Next question, please.

Hello Makuta, remember me? - Dr. Anti Ask Makuta

Makuta: I thought we got rid of you in Chapter 89! Or was it Chapter 90...

No, I simply left to carry out this secret plan I came up with. Remember this?D. AAM and the Anti AM gang's Plan #1 (from Chapter 87) Firstly, we'll go and buy the Mistika, becuase we like the Mistika, then, we'll invent a heat resistant material and then wear it, then cover ourselves with lava, so no enemies can come near without burning! At the same time, I'll go to Mahri Nui and get all the sea creatures to hit the ground at the same time, causing an huge Earthquake that will destroy ask Makuta and the Rest of the world! At the same time, I'll build the Mistika!Yeah, and later when I said this was a fake plan thrown in your path to confuse you, it was a bluff. This was really what I was occupying myself with doing. Ha-ha, double crossed! I now have a perfect heat resistant material - Cotton! My reasoning goes as such - clothing intended to keep you warm is knitted out of cotton, meaning cotton has to be heat resistant! Therefore, I have covered myself with cotton, and will dive into lava shortly, and will emerge invincible! Mwa-ha-ha-ha *cough* *splutter*

Makuta: 0_0 what was that all about.To be continued...


Edited by Karzhani the Utahraptor, Dec 06 2012 - 08:54 AM.

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Internment - Ask Makuta Returns


#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Nov 19 2012 - 10:11 PM

This isn't half bad. I liked the joke about the hole in the back of Makuta's head. :)[whispers]Although I would suggest focusing a bit on a different plot so that those of us who haven't read your old stuff can understand the jokes.[/whispers]
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#3 Offline Karzhani the Utahraptor

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Posted Dec 06 2012 - 08:53 AM

Chapter 93

 

Ask Makuta

 

(cheesy theme music goes here) 

 

me: Hear that Makuta? Our reviewers want us to start afresh so that our new readers can pick up from where we left off! (aka not here) 

 

Makuta: Oh? Well then, Trazia, you're fired. 

 

Trazia:...but I've been with you since Chapter 3! 

 

Makuta: That's 90 chapters too long. Go! 

 

(Makuta turns to me)

 

Makuta: He never did much anyway. Dr Anti Ask Makuta!

 

DAAM: Yeah? 

 

Makuta: You're fired!

 

DAAM: But...I'm your antagonist! You can't fire me! It'll ruin the plot. 

 

Makuta: I'll find a new antagonist then! 

me: *whispers* with your personality that shouldn't be too hard. 

 

DAAM: *shakes fist angrily* dang! 

 

Makuta: Lol, see what he did there, notice how dang sounds like DAAM, ha, ha, ha 

 

(Makuta realizes that no one else is laughing) 

 

Makuta: Right. Sorry. 

me: Now then, let's get on with the show. 

 

 

 

Dear Makuta, the other day I was at a date. And my boyfriend said he was breaking up with me. And I was sad. And now I do not know what to do. Makuta what do I do? - Anon 

 

 

 

Makuta: Well, my old friend Antroz used to say, "if you don't like anything, for example, me, then deal with it"! I've taken that advice and grown into a fine mature individual! 

me: *whispers* Yeah, you murdered Antroz in 2008. 

 

Makuta: Shush. Next!

 

 

 

Dear Makuta, I am in love with an older lady, and I don't know how to say it to her exactly. We've fought an entire war together and I don't just want to let her go like this - A Glatorian who is totally not Gresh, who also incidentally but unrelatedly totally does not have a crush on Kiina. 

 

Makuta:...when did this show turn into a romantic advice column? 

 

me: Well 'Ask Makuta' does pretty sound pretty romantic-advice-column-ish. I blame bad advertising. Advertising head! 

 

Turahk: Yes! 

 

me: Why are you here? 

 

Turahk: Why am I here? Well there are a couple of theories; Aristotle said the purpose of life is to - 

 

me: No! I mean what are you doing in this room!

 

Turahk: Oh, I'm the head of advertising. 

 

Makuta: *pats Turahk* good, son. I see you are venturing into the theater industry. 

 

Turahk: Um, no, just a lack of employment opportunities. It was this or selling fresh fish at Ga-Metru. 

 

me: Mind if you explain why the general public at large thinks that this show is a romantic advice column!

 

Turahk: Oh! Isn't my fault! Go ask the Public Relations services chief. 

 

me: PR chief!

 

Vorahk: Yes?

 

me:...what happened to our professional staff, and why are Makuta's sons doing all of our official duties? 

 

Makuta: *quickly hides calculator where he is computing the profits of hiring his own sons rather than staff* Oh, they quit, must just be a coincidence. Right guys? 

 

Vorahk and Turahk:....yeah. 

 

me: um, okay... 

 

(awkward silence) 

 

Makuta: Hey! Who are you to impose the quality of "awkward" on this silence. We were doing it for dramatic effect. 

 

(I'm sorry) 

 

me: Well folks, looks like we'll have to clean up our problems with employment and nepotism and the protagonist arguing with the script, so that's it for now! 

 

 


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Internment - Ask Makuta Returns


#4 Offline Onarax

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Posted Dec 08 2012 - 06:13 AM

Well then, here's your requested CCC Review. Of course, I shall only be reviewing Chapters 92 and 93, because despite my unlimited free time, I am not actually capable of looking through 91 chapters of content. Sorry about that though. Mechanics of Writing: ~CHAPTER 92~

Me: As it would appear, your universe - takeover schemes had failed, and the battle with Mata Nui left you with a huge hole at the back of your head, caused by an impact with Bota Magna. Sorry.

Spaces between the hyphen unneeded. 

Trazia: Dude seriously its on the back of your head. Take a look yourself.

Apostrophe required. 

Makuta: This cutting - edge device is the thinnest, lightest, fastest, most durable and drop-resistant iPhone ever, and comes equipped with a new 8MP iSight Camera! Certainly this will do the trick! Was indeed worth my money.

Spaces between Hyphen. Unneeded. 

(Makuta uses it to take a photo of the back of his own head. Upon viewing the huge gaping hole where a large part of his head once was, a piercing scream emanated from his throat and he dropped the phone in horror, and the phone screen shatters into a million pieces)

You change tenses in this section. At first, you are writing in present tense, which you were also doing before this section of the chapter. Then you change to past tense through the use of 'emanated', before changing back to present tense at 'shatters'. 

Makuta: *quickly covers the hole with duct tape* Certainly no one will notice. Right...guys?

The ellipsis requires a space between it and at least one of the words bordering it. Also, random slash at the end. 

Trazia and Me: ....yeah.

'Trazia and I', not 'Trazia and Me'. Ellipsis possesses only three dots. 'Yeah' still requires capitalisation. 

(the three step onto stage, only to be greeted by the sight of Mata Nui already there entertaining their crowd of cheering Matoran)

Requires capitalisation of 'the'. Possibly needs a 'the' between 'onto' and 'stage'. May need a comma between 'there' and 'entertaining'. 

Hello Good Friend! We are the heirs of a wealthy Bone Hunter trading network! We have $1000,000 in frozen assets back at the Bara Magna desert! If only you could kindly send us $100 so that we may secure a plane ride back and we will gladly award you $10,000 of the money. - Sincerely, Nott, A. Skam, Bone Hunter, Mr.

Comma required between the '1' and the first '0' in one million. 

Me: Oh yeah, and we've forgotten our customary deleting of spam *presses spam button".

Asterisk instead of closing quotation mar? 

Makuta: No I didn't. Surely you would know that. Dealing with people like this reminds me of the old times, feels great to be back on the show.

Comma after 'times' can be replaced by semi-colon. 

Makuta: Author! Think me of a word that doesn't rhyme!

Should it be 'Think for me a word'? 

Me: Um..orange! Silver! Triglax! Mutran!

Ellipsis. Three dots. Requires at least one space. 

Makuta: Never mind Mutran, carry on being dead. Next question, please.

Comma required between 'mind' and 'Mutran'. 

Makuta: I thought we got rid of you in Chapter 89! Or was it Chapter 90...

May require question mark at the end. 

Makuta: 0_0 what was that all about.

Capitalisation of 'what' required. Question mark instead of period.

 

~CHAPTER 93~

(cheesy theme music goes here)

Capitalisation of 'cheesy'. 

me: Hear that Makuta? Our reviewers want us to start afresh so that our new readers can pick up from where we left off! (aka not here)

Capitalisation of 'me'. Capitalisation of all letters in 'aka'. 

Trazia:...but I've been with you since Chapter 3!

Ellipsis requires three dots. Also requires space between colon and said ellipsis. Capitalisation of 'but'. 

DAAM: But...I'm your antagonist! You can't fire me! It'll ruin the plot.

Ellipsis. Requires at least one space between it and bordering word. Final period can possibly be replaced by exclamation mark? 

me: *whispers* with your personality that shouldn't be too hard.

Capitalisation of 'me' and 'with'.

 

DAAM: *shakes fist angrily* dang!

Capitalisation of 'dang'.

 

Makuta: Lol, see what he did there, notice how dang sounds like DAAM, ha, ha, ha

I actually have no idea what you're trying to say with the bolded part. Comma after said part can be replaced with a period, which will require 'notice' to be capitalised. Comma after 'DAAM' should be replaced with question mark. First 'ha' should be capitalised. Punctuation required after final 'ha'.

 

me: Now then, let's get on with the show.

Capitalisation of 'me'.

 

Makuta: Well, my old friend Antroz used to say, "if you don't like anything, for example, me, then deal with it"! I've taken that advice and grown into a fine mature individual!

Comma after 'say' can be replaced with a colon. Exclamation mark after the quote should be placed before the closing quotation mark. Comma required between 'fine' and 'mature', or you could add 'and' instead.

 

me: *whispers* Yeah, you murdered Antroz in 2008.

Capitalisation of 'me'.

 

Makuta:...when did this show turn into a romantic advice column?

Ellipsis. Needs three dots and a space after the colon. Capitalisation of 'when'.

 

me: Well 'Ask Makuta' does pretty sound pretty romantic-advice-column-ish. I blame bad advertising. Advertising head!

First 'pretty' is unnecessary.

 

me: Why are you here?

Capitalisation of 'me'.

 

me: No! I mean what are you doing in this room!

Capitalisation of 'me'. Question mark instead of exclamation mark.

 

Makuta: *pats Turahk* good, son. I see you are venturing into the theater industry.

Capitalisation of 'good'.

 

me: Mind if you explain why the general public at large thinks that this show is a romantic advice column!

Capitalisation of 'me'. Question mark instead of exclamation mark.

 

me: PR chief!

Capitalisation of 'me'.

 

me:...what happened to our professional staff, and why are Makuta's sons doing all of our official duties?

Capitalisation of 'me'. Ellipsis requires three dots. Needs a space after the colon. Capitalisation of 'what'.

 

Makuta: *quickly hides calculator where he is computing the profits of hiring his own sons rather than staff* Oh, they quit, must just be a coincidence. Right guys?

'Just' seems unnecessary, and flows awkwardly in the sentence.

 

Vorahk and Turahk:....yeah.

Space between the colon and the ellipsis. Ellipsis requires three dots. Capitalisation of 'yeah'.

 

me: um, okay...

Capitalisation of 'me' and 'um'.

 

(awkward silence)

Capitalisation of 'awkward'.

 

Makuta: Hey! Who are you to impose the quality of "awkward" on this silence. We were doing it for dramatic effect.

Question mark should be used instead of a period after 'silence'.

 

me: Well folks, looks like we'll have to clean up our problems with employment and nepotism and the protagonist arguing with the script, so that's it for now!

Capitalisation of 'me'. The 'and' between 'employment' and 'nepotism' should be replaced with a comma.

 

Well then, I have scoured through your work in an attempt to find all the errors my rather inexperienced mind could discover. Of course, I may seem rather nit-picky, but being nit-picky does help show the author simple errors that can be fixed with a tiny application of effort.

 

Anyway, the errors present do not detract from the readability of the comedy too much, although they do serve as a minor deterrent to those slightly more focused on the mechanics of writing. They bring out this atmosphere of ...

 

*Gestures wildly.*

 

... untidiness. The comedy doesn't feel very neat nor professional, attributes that a comedy should possess to lure in the unsuspecting readers, like a fish does to a cat ...

 

Sorry, was going off on a wild tangent there. I'd say the spelling and grammar of your comedy deserves 76%.

 

Humour:

 

I found the jokes in your comedy rather bland and forced, providing no real benefit to the overall humour. The first one present, which focused on the flaws of the iPhone, seemed completely unrelated to the story in general, and served no real purpose other than to lampshade the fragility of Apple's line of smartphones. Creating jokes based around insulting consumer products and emphasising their flaws is rather difficult territory to tread into, and is rarely ever done well.

 

Seeing that most smartphones are rather fragile, focusing on the iPhone seems to be a representation of authorial dislike for the product. It would have been simpler to remove the 'dig' at Apple and focus more on the joke about the Makuta's lack of knowledge on the fact that the Mata Nui Robot's head, and his by proxy, had been destroyed by a fragment of one of Bara Magna's moons.

 

It was Aqua Magna by the way, not Bota Magna.

 

Other jokes, such as the one with the rhyming between the Makuta and his anonymous messenger, also feels rather forced, especially after our protagonist lampshades the rhyming mid-way through, and continues along with it. If it had been shortened slightly, it may have had a greater comedic effect than what you originally wrote, seeing that it doesn't really go well for longer periods of time.

 

The sacking of cast members also has no real humour present, serving only as a way to try and 'freshen up' the comedy for newer fans. Makuta's failure at creating a joke by trying to make a connection between the abbreviation of Dr Anti Ask Makuta's name and 'dang' did not inspire much humour either. It was a rather stale joke, which didn't actually work well with the rest of the scene.

 

Mentioning Teridax's growth into a fine individual from listening to Antroz' advice could have been rather amusing and ironic, although the comedic effect was lessened by the character of Me's lampshading, because most people on this site would probably know of what had occurred in 2008, seeing that this is a BIONICLE fansite.

 

The insinuation that Gresh is attracted to Kiina fails to really go anywhere, being a mere vessel for the scene in which the nepotism of the comedy's staff is shown. The attempted reference to Aristotle is somewhat original and amusing, along with the reference to greater world of the Matoran Universe by mentioning being a fish salesman in Ga-Metru, although the rest of the scene is a bit stale, without any real humour.

 

More subtle jokes and greater inherent humour within the comedy may be a better way to go, in my opinion, but there are other ways in which you could improve the comedic effect of this story.

 

I'd rate it 65%.

 

Plot:

 

Seeing that the current iteration/incarnation/something of this comedy seems to be just beginning, there are no real hints of a plot actually present, although most 'Ask' comedies rarely ever possess much in the way of plot, appearing to be more of a Q&A segment of a random talk show than a story.

 

A quick browse through the archives does show a semblance of a plot, especially seeing that there was a small scale conflict between Teridax and Dr Anti Ask Makuta. However, seeing that your main antagonist has been fired, you would probably require a new one in order to really have more of a plot.

 

Or you could have each chapter focusing around a specific plot of its own instead of a steady interconnected one between every chapter.

 

How you wish to incorporate more plot into this Ask comedy is up to you; hopefully it shall be an interesting experience.

 

Due to the lack of real story at the current moment, there will be no rating given, and the plot section shall not contribute to the overall rating of the comedy.

 

Overall:

 

In conclusion, your comedy requires decent improvement, seeing that your humour is somewhat mediocre, and your writing needs to be checked over for mistakes more often. A plot should also be implemented to increase the satisfaction of a reader's viewing experience, which would draw more in to read your comedy.

 

Fortunately, at the moment, your comedy has a rather stable base, meaning that it should be rather easy for you to build upon it in order to add more improvements to the overall story. Hopefully you will be able to do a good job with such a task and make it (reading the comedy) a much more enjoyable experience.

 

Overall rating is (71+65)/3 = 70.5%

 

*Addendum: Everything in the review was written using Australian English.


Edited by Space Pirate, Dec 08 2012 - 06:15 AM.

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#5 Offline Karzhani the Utahraptor

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Posted Dec 08 2012 - 11:17 AM

Thanks for the very comprehensive review man! Much appreciated. 


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Internment - Ask Makuta Returns


#6 Offline Onarax

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Posted Dec 09 2012 - 08:15 AM

Don't mention it - it's my duty as the ridiculously active CCC Critic to do my best to assist in improving the overall quality of comedies on this forum.


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