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The Mentor's Way

Memoirs of the Dead Contest Entries Short Stories Ihu Nuju

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#1 Offline Mersery

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Posted Nov 22 2012 - 02:13 AM

Here is my story entry for the Contest #7: Memoirs of the Dead:
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"No! No! Incorrect! No! This part’s too vague and this whole section is completely wrong!"


 
Those were the first words of complaint that I remember Nuju saying to me as he partook in what would be the first of many lessons with me. I wasn't surprised. I had read his academic evaluations shortly before he had come to my workplace. All of them spoke very highly of him; many other Seers who had taken him under their wing believed he was destined to become a fine scholar. Indeed, he was believed to be one of the brightest and most promising students Ko-Metru had seen in decades, maybe even centuries. He had a huge amount of potential.
 
However, there was a catch with taking on Nuju as a student - there always is in these sorts of things, I suppose. Despite his intellectual brilliance he was said to be... impatient and always said to be in a hurry. He was firm in his convictions and ideals, which was always a promising characteristic, but he was stubborn in his beliefs. Many had said it was difficult for him to see things from other perspectives. He was still a learner after all, and bright ones like him always stood behind their ideas.
 

I watched as the young Ko-Matoran glowered at me coldly. I took no offence to the gesture; it was a natural and totally normal stare amongst the Matoran of Ice. But Nuju's eyes gleamed with more than just intellectual frustration and hunger; they glowed with disappointment.
 
He held out the tablet he had just finished reading. "This cannot be a useful learning tool, Ihu." I smiled at him and walked to where he was sitting. Countless stone tablets lay scattered messily on the top of his table, each lecturing on a different subject of philosophy and science. Nuju held his hand out expectantly, clasping the tablet he was clearly displeased with. I took it from his hands and examined it closely.
 
“Nuju, you are critiquing a highly-acclaimed document," I began. "This text is a record containing the notes of some of Metru Nui's finest scientists. I do not see how their collaborative ideas on how to create Kanoka can be inaccurate, especially since they have been in practice ever since they were devised."


 
"The information is hundreds of years old," Nuju grumbled. "Since those years, scores of mask makers have proposed new and better ways to create Kanohi. These techniques are obsolete and out-dated." My new student's tone was as firm as it was detached.
 
"And what do those mask makers base their improvements on?" I asked him. "They always refer back to this data when they wish to make improvements. The technology that created the first Kanoka, regardless of how old it is, laid the foundation for an entire business industry in this city."
 
Nuju grumbled for a minute, his eyepiece expanding and shrinking as he re-examined the tablet in much closer detail. It was brand new and had been attached to his Matatu by a fellow named Vakama, who I had heard was becoming something of a rising star in the Ta-Metru foundries. I smiled at my new student courteously, despite the icy glares he gave me that seemed as sharp as a dagger. He still had so much to learn.
 


"Why am I studying this anyway?" he demanded, shaking his head fiercely. "I am no common student. If I was, I would have gone to the schools in Ga-Metru. Regardless of what you think, Kanoka studies are not relevant fields to the scholars of the future."
 

I had expected this much from Nuju. "To prove to you that great advancements in Matoran culture do not solely rely on stargazing or deciphering cryptic puzzles."
 
Nuju frowned. "But studying Kanoka does not help us learn about the future."


 
I turned away from him and walked across my observatory, coming to a stop near the massive window that looked out onto the frozen district of Ko-Metru. I had chosen to leave the room devoid of any personal effects, save my necessary stargazing equipment and basic furniture, though with the stainless reflective metals being bathed under the dying evening light, the room seemed to look like an artistic setting. It was beautifully minimalistic. I cleared my throat as I gazed at the distant stars above.
 
“To understand the future, you must first comprehend the basic things that allowed our societies to leap forward. You must understand the past and the present, before you are willing to judge the future."
 


When I turned to face Nuju, he had a look of shock on his face, as if I had just muttered some foul Skakdi curse in the Great Temple. He almost seemed insulted.
 
"With all due respect, Ihu, the past is something we leave the Onu-Matoran to bumble about with. Every Ko-Matoran knows that making a difference to our society means consulting the patterns of the future. The past merely tells us what has gone before. It cannot guide us into our future."
 

I frowned. Nuju was bright, but also naïve.
 
"But without learning the lessons of the past, how will we be able to adapt to the future? Our society is built upon the past. Every historical mistake anyone has ever made affected the way they address their future. The Great Spirit teaches us this. There is just as much importance in the past as there is in the future."
 
"This would explain why many of your peers consider you such a maverick, sir."
 
I couldn't help but grin at the comment. It was true, that the name of Ihu had both positive and negative connotations. For years, I had been described as one of Metru Nui's finest thinkers and Seers; a pioneer in an age of development and prosperity. Many times before, I had met with figures in power I did not believe would have time for a dusty, old scholar like myself. In particular, my extensive knowledge and understanding of the prophecies of the future had earned me much praise. Many times over my career, I had deciphered some of Metru Nui's most cryptic prophecies in high levels of detail.
 
Yet for one so relegated to learning and pondering, I had been called upon to lecture in Ga-Metru schools, the depths of the Archives, and even in the private rooms of the Ko-Metru Towers of Thought. Yet my tendency to place as much value on the past as I did on the future had caused many to comment that I was a tad eccentric, especially amongst the circles of the Ko-Matoran. I, personally, did not mind their words. Their reactions amused me. I gave Nuju a friendly smile as I continued to ponder his sharp statement.
 

"I suppose that would explain a great many things, Nuju, but that is the only controversial thing I have to say for the day. I hope I've given you plenty to think about. I would have failed you in every department if I didn't. Perhaps the next time you'd like to exchange ideas, you'd be a little more willing to see things from a different perspective."
 

Nuju snorted as he raised himself from the table he had been sitting at and left the room. I could tell in that instant he was going to have a rocky start with me. He wasn’t my student, not in mind or spirit, but he was a relatively new scholar in the Knowledge Towers. He would need a helping hand to get him through these early years, especially when surrounded by some of the best Seers the city had ever seen.
 

I would be more than happy to help him, but it would be up to Nuju to accept it and do the most important thing a Ko-Matoran could possibly do: listen.
 

----
 

I was standing in the lobby of one of the Metru's innermost Towers of Thought. The atmosphere was tense and apart from the mechanical chirping sounds of the nearby Vahki drones that flooded the room, not a word had been said. Though it was expected that all would be quiet in the realm of Ko-Metru (hence the nickname, "the quiet Metru"), it was almost a relief to know the nearby scholars were bound by silence, so they would have no need to whisper rumours and gossip amongst themselves.
 

It had been two months since I had become Nuju’s mentor, and very unfortunately, he had not been responding well to my teachings. He found my methods nonsensical, my works unworthy of the academic praise they had received. More than once during our lectures, he had attempted to dethrone me of my respectable standing, like many of my peers had when I myself was a young Seer, but I simply proved too well versed in my field of expertise to truly depose.
 

Many times over, Nuju had presented me hours of work that I had dismissed with the wave of my hand. There were always small oversights, not enough attention to detail, and not enough conclusive or compelling arguments. He did not hate the fact that I criticized his work; he hated the fact that I was right. Obviously, it had finally gotten to him.
 

I approached the group of Vahki, keeping a wary eye on the various scholars that encircled them from the corners of the room, their eyes boring holes into the back of my head as I approached. The Vahki squad leader, clearly of the Keerakh variety, split off from the rest of its team and approached me, taking long, calculated strides as it came closer. Beside it stood the relaxed form of Nuju, who was staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes, a look of confusion decorating his blank face.
 

I sighed as I realised the cause of Nuju's mental state. The Staff of Confusion was always said to be the most merciful of the Vahki stun tools, far more compassionate than the Vorzakh's Staff of Erasing, but I always found it unnerving to see these drifters borne of the staff wander aimlessly in the streets of Ko Metru.
The Vahki commander turned and barked an order at its comrades, and immediately, the other Keerakh turned to the other Ko-Matoran and began shooing them off. I looked up into the empty icy blue eyes of the commander, who stood as still as a Po-Matoran statue, and cleared my throat.
 

"I heard of what Nuju did. I do not condone what you did, but I wish there to be no lasting damage."
 

The Keerakh shook its head slowly, its mechanical eyes never flickering off me. A short pause ensued and an almost sinister silence filled in the blank. It was numbing. Nuju continued to stare at the ceiling. Though he had not been my most yielding of students, I had never wished any ill. I cleared my throat again as I realised how long I had been rooted to the spot.
 

"Thank you for your assistance. I will escort Nuju back to my observatory whilst the effects wear off."
 

The Vahki didn't reply. Instead it broke itself from its motionless state and left the Tower along with its squadron and within mere seconds, they vanished into the blizzard outside. I frowned for a moment, then turned and herded the confused Nuju through the winding hallways and passageways. We strode past several rooms of prophecy, ancient centres of learning and various laboratories. Along the way, countless scholars scowled at me disapprovingly as I guided my pupil through the halls, though I paid the gestures no thought.
 

By the time we had returned to my observatory, near the very top of the tower, Nuju was back to his old self again, though he refused to talk until we were within the safety of my room. I seated him down in one of my armchairs before turning on him sternly.
 
"What was that?" I asked him. I was not being malicious.
 

Nuju shrugged. "The things you have been trying to teach me have not been about looking backwards or forwards! It's all about looking to the here and now! How is that relevant? It was a sign of protest, Ihu!"
 
I fought back the urge to pull a face.
 
“A sign of protest? Screaming down the corridors of the Towers of Thought is not a sign of protest, especially when you're complaining about my adequacy as a mentor. It gains you nothing! You know as well as I do that the Vahki monitor those buildings extremely well; they'll withhold someone for making even the slightest noise. I'm surprised they were willing to escort you back to this Knowledge Tower and notify me of what had happened. What you did there was downright stupid!"
 

Nuju was silent. Accusing any Ko-Matoran of being stupid was a great offence, to say the least.
 

"You're an excellent savant, Nuju. Your genius will take you far in your future career, but things like this will not do any favours for you! All it will do is make your peers assume you're a brash fool who will have no proper place with them in the future."


 
Something changed in Nuju's eyes in that instant. It was subtle of course, like the ripples in a pond when you chucked in a pebble, but the effects were there nonetheless. I smiled inwardly. Finally, I was getting somewhere with him.
 
"I see," he said plainly. His gaze then turned to the large telescope that sat outside on my balcony, the one I had used so many times to study the stars. 

"Perhaps we should see what secrets the stars can tell us tonight," he said politely. "It would be a good way of taking our minds off this matter."
 

"Maybe, but not tonight," I said to him, a feeling of satisfaction washing over me. "You need to rest. Go think about what I've said. The mysteries of the Great Spirit will still be waiting here when we return tomorrow."
 


I turned away and did not look back as Nuju left the observatory. My eyes were fixed on the twin suns setting in the distance, with their orange lights joining them in the retreat. Had my back not been turned, my pupil would have been able to see my expression, but since he couldn't, only I could truly appreciate it. It was one of happiness.
 

After so much struggle and resistance, my student was finally beginning to take his first true steps on the path of becoming a great polymath.
 

----
 

Things had changed dramatically over the year.
 

From being my most defiant student to my most avid listener, Nuju had become more than just another pupil. He had become my friend, an intellectual peer. Since the incident with the Vahki, Nuju had begun to mellow somewhat, with his impatience and stubbornness fading to some degree.
 

He was still a razor-sharp critic, who analysed everything that crossed his desk with intense scrutiny, but now he was really starting to grow as a scholar. With his newfound position, lessons had become much easier with him in the depths of the Knowledge Towers. He had even been permitted back into the Towers of Thought, despite the incident he had instigated the last time he was there. Word had obviously spread that he had finally began to cooperate with my teachings.
 

Today, however, I had decided to do something a little bit different.
 

Feeling the need to push aside any lingering disagreements, I had decided to take him with me on a 'semi-excursion' to Ga-Metru. I myself was familiar with the region; many Ga-Matoran teachers had asked me to do lectures and had more than once offered me a position at the schools there. They were very respectable positions, but they were not suited to me. I could never really wrap my head around those Proto Level examinations. Still, coming to this district was always immensely pleasurable.
 

Unfortunately, however, Nuju was not quite as well travelled as I was, and was immediately thrust out of his comfort zone. I couldn't help but smile. Like many Ko-Matoran, he rarely left the Knowledge Towers he was admitted into, let alone the Metru itself. So seeing his reaction to the stunning scenery of Ga-Metru was unforgettable.
 

We began our tour of the city’s greatest spiritual and learning hub by a trip past the Fountains of Wisdom, followed by a tour of the jaw-dropping Great Temple (a place that made even the most emotionally-detached individuals feel in awe). We then went on an expedition along the coastline of the water region via a business called Macku’s Canoes. By the late afternoon, Nuju had chiselled up about forty-five pages of notes. Not surprising.
 

"Next time, I should take you to see the musicians in Le-Metru," I remember saying as we walked across an intricately crafted bridge that overlooked the beautiful Protodermis Falls. "Nobody makes quite as good an orchestra as, surprisingly, the Le-Matoran. Some of their symphonies are breathtaking, provided they don’t have their choirs speak in that highly confusing Chute-Speak."


 
Nuju grunted in acknowledgement and leaned against the railing, staring out at the orange suns and the glimmering, unpolluted waters of the Falls. The subtle hints in his body language suggested he was just taking a second to soak up the atmosphere; that aura of peace, harmony and tranquillity that couldn’t be found anywhere else in the city. Seconds ticked by as the two of us just stood there, just watching the waters topple over the cliff tops and down to the rivers below.
 

"Why did you bring me here?" he asked me gently. I did not look at him.
 

"To prove a point to you,” I replied.
 

"When do you ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to a point you are trying to prove?” Nuju asked. It was a rhetorical question.
 

Ignoring his wit for once, I continued.
 

"I wanted to prove to you that there is far more to this life than just sitting in skyscrapers and gazing up at the skies above for answers. So many Ko-Matoran look so far forward, they miss everything important that goes on around them. It's an addictive lifestyle; not necessarily a bad one, but it can sometimes take away from your experiences."
 

"So you want me to do my research during live Akilini games?"
I laughed. "No, my friend, not at all. But the Great Spirit did not lay out all this beauty before us just so we could lock ourselves inside specialized laboratories and think about why it's so beautiful. At times, one must simply appreciate what life offers us simple Matoran, rather than observe the world through narrow scopes and spyglasses."


 
Nuju's eyes gleamed with deep contemplation. "You are a very wise soul, Ihu. Metru Nui will never have a Seer more insightful than you."
 

I smiled at him as I finally forced myself to meet his gaze, my mind having finally reached the heart-felt conclusion it had been trying to make for days.
 

"And that is why I am now challenging you to prove that statement wrong, my friend. You no longer need me now, and your Destiny is your own. I have taught you just about everything I can and you have finally learned the one thing I have been trying to teach you this entire time. Everything else was just an added bonus."
 

Nuju's eyes narrowed in curiosity. "And what would that one thing be?"

 

I paused for a second before I found the right words. "Humility and respect; the ability to look beyond your own opinions by accepting and understanding the views of others. By learning to keep an open mind for yourself."
----
 
"Ihu, you have a visitor waiting for you in your observatory."
 

I turned away from the group of philosophers I had been talking with to face a young messenger. Ehyre, I believe his name was. 
"Tell them to make an appointment first," I said with a dismissive wave of my hand. "I, like any one of the Matoran here, am very busy right now. And I'm also due to leave in a few minutes as well. So please tell this guest to either sit and wait in my office for the next week or so or head off home."
 
Ehyre stiffened non-too subtly as he said his next words. "Sir, I believe your visitor is an old student of yours. Seer Nuju awaits you in your office."


 
I turned back to the messenger, a look of surprise on my face. It had been four years now since Nuju had officially completed his training with me, and since then, he had gone on to experience a very successful career as a thinker in the upper echelons of Ko-Matoran society. He was scarcely found outside his new observatory, where his restless mind could focus without a hint of distraction. It was then I noticed something else.
 

Ehyre had said his last statement through gritted teeth, and he had made no effort to disguise his discomfort in mentioning my friend's name. Something clicked in my mind. Ah yes, this was that Matoran whose scholarship Nuju had very bluntly denied. He had said the Matoran was ill suited to the role; he lacked patience, was too talkative and quick to act. Personally, I suspected Nuju had seen too much of himself in the enthusiastic errand runner.
 

"Tell him I'll be right with him," I said. Ehyre nodded solemnly and left without a word. I quickly excused myself from the scholars I had been chatting with and hastily made my way through the crystalline corridors of the Tower. Meetings like those were always rather dull.
 

Arriving at my observatory, I opened the doors to see Nuju standing out on my balcony, gazing up through my telescope. He turned at the sound of my entrance and nodded courteously, the ghost of smile on the tips of his mouth. I smiled back to him as we walked up and tapped each other's fists lightly.
 

"Nuju, my friend! How have you been?"
 

My former student's telescopic lens zoomed in and out as he looked around the room. "I am most well, Ihu. Since we formally parted ways as student and teacher, I have been involved in a large number of research projects. I also noticed you have redecorated your observatory since the last time we visited one another. I don't like it."
 
Though it wasn't obvious, this was Nuju's version of a joke. The only main problem with him telling a joke was the fact that he never smiled or made it seem like he was actually trying to say something funny.
 

"Well, fill in a complaint and see how far it gets you," I replied. "I'm sure our peers will get a good laugh out of you criticising the décor of my office."


 
Nuju titled his head, then dismissed my statement and continued. "How have you been since we last met? Taken any more students under your wing?"
 
"Not this time," I said as I took a seat in one of my armchairs. "The amount of stress you put me under sometimes was enough to make me realise I wouldn't be taking any more promising Matoran into my studies."
 
"So what do you do now?" asked Nuju as he seated himself in the chair that lay opposite my own.
 

My eyes trailed off over his shoulder as I thought of a response.
 

"I've been participating in some fairly big science projects. Many value my comprehensive knowledge on the prophecies, so I haven't run out of interesting work just yet. However, I have been relegating myself to smaller works."
 

There was a pause. It was in no way awkward. Many Ko-Matoran paused mid-conversation to collect their thoughts and catalogue their feelings. It was a perfectly natural habit.
 
"You're going somewhere, are you not?" Nuju asked.
 

I fought back the urge to ogle at him. He was spot on. "What makes you say that?"
 

Nuju shrugged.
 
"Your most important intellectual properties are not present on your desks. Implication: They have been stored somewhere. Your telescope's lenses have been changed. Ko-Matoran rarely bother to change their lens caps unless they are leaving for long periods of time. Also, the door to your office was locked; fortunately I know the code to your office. You really must change that."


 
Nuju inhaled a breath of air as he concluded his deduction. "My hypothesis: you are departing Ko-Metru. Most likely to conduct another talk."
 

I chuckled lightly, more to myself for having made that all so obvious for him. "Your powers of perception never cease to amaze me, Nuju. Indeed, you are correct. A group of Archivists want me to sit as a guest speaker in a public talk. I'm to talk about the relevance the past has on determining the future."
 

Nuju sighed and rolled his eyes. "Typical. The Onu-Matoran's work gets more attention than it deserves, especially with all those constant expansions to their Archives. One day, I'll make sure the importance of the future and the significance of our research will become well known to them."
 

I smiled at him with an unexpected amount of warmth. "Well, when you become the next great pioneer of our future, remember to name something after me."
 

Nuju smiled back at my joke. "Consider it done."
 
Nuju's smile surprised me; there had been very few (if any) occasions where I had seen him actually do so. I peered outside the window and stared at the suns, giving me an understanding of the time of day. Deciding now would be the best time to leave, I rose from my armchair and moved to my desk.
 

"Now then, my friend, I believe it is time for me to depart. I don't want to miss my trip," I said as I picked up a Chute System pass ticket. "I've already got my luggage at the station and you know what those attendants are like; so unwilling to skip the standard procedure when you don't board in time."


 
As I began to make my way towards the door, Nuju rose and raised his fist, which I bumped firmly into as I deviated from my journey to the door.
 

"Best of luck with your oration, Ihu," he began, his voice filled with a surprising amount of genuine emotion in his tone. By the sound of it, he clearly valued me as much as a friend as a mentor. "I would be very interested in hearing what those narrow-minded Onu-Matoran will have to say on your comments. Have a safe trip."
 

"Oh, Nuju," I said merrily with a wide grin etched on my face. "I'll be back before you know it!"
 

----
 
And this concludes my memoirs for the time being. Being a Ko-Matoran, I feel recording these reflections on a series of stone tablets is both irksome and unnecessarily tedious, so I have devised a better way to relate my thoughts. Indeed, many will question my use of this Memory Crystal for sentimental purposes, or even brand me as downright selfish for trying to leave some small imprint of myself upon this world in such a complicated manner, but I do not see any better way.
 

The Memory Crystal's potential goes far beyond that of a mere data storage tool; it can be used to record entire biographies and accounts of one's life without the painstaking effort of carving letters on tablets. It’s a quick and easy method of transferring information, so I see no reason for my colleagues to intervene because of my unusual usage of this crystal.
 

Whilst my memoirs are currently incomplete - my tutoring of Nuju simply being a smaller section of a much larger piece of work - I intend to properly conclude them once I return from my excursion to Onu-Metru. Until then, I leave you with a small statement I once gave to Nuju, one that had him thinking for days:
 
Life is a puzzle that cannot easily be solved. It takes much time and patience to piece its riddles together, and then to understand its meaning. If these mysteries frustrate or confuse you, do nothing more than look to the skies above and keep an open mind. Your future is not a series of events set in stone; your future, my friends, is whatever you make it out to be…
 

Edited by Fezmaster, Feb 09 2013 - 01:12 AM.

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#2 Offline Black Six

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Posted Nov 22 2012 - 08:12 AM

Moving to Short Stories...
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#3 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted Nov 22 2012 - 12:58 PM

Wait, is this for the Memoirs of the Dead? In that case, I think it would belong in S&T.
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#4 Offline Mersery

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Posted Nov 22 2012 - 02:34 PM

Yeah, this is for the Memoirs of the Dead contest. Since I'm relatively new here, I wasn't entirely sure how to post this topic and link it back to the contest page. Apologies if I've caused any confusion.
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#5 Offline Black Six

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Posted Nov 22 2012 - 10:17 PM

My bad. Sending back to the right place...
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#6 Offline The First Speaker

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Posted Nov 23 2012 - 10:07 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

When I turned to face Nuju, he a look of shock on his face, as if I had just muttered some foul Skakdi curse in the Great Temple. He almost seemed insulted.

I think a had is missing there.

Beside it, stood the relaxed form of Nuju, who was staring up at the sealing with wide eyes, a look of confusion

Do you mean ceiling?

I could never really rap my head around those Proto Exams

I personally have no problem with you saying how the Ga-Metru exams are called. However, it would be worth asking the contest hosts if it is alright to do something like this, as I'm not 100% sure.

Some of their symphonies are breath taking

It should be breathtaking, without a space in the middle.

When do ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to you proving some kind of point

I think there's a pronoun missing there.

Since I we formally parted ways as student and teacher

In this case there are two pronouns in a row, probably the I should be deleted.Other than that, I found the story quite interesting. You managed to capture well the atmosphere of the quiet Metru, and overall I enjoyed reading it.

Edited by The First Speaker, Nov 23 2012 - 10:09 AM.

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#7 Offline Codin the Fe-Matoran

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Posted Nov 23 2012 - 01:40 PM

Also "rap" should be "wrap".
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#8 Offline Mersery

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Posted Nov 23 2012 - 03:14 PM

Thank you very much for the feedback and bringing those typos to my attention. As for the Ga-Matoran exams, they are actually called Proto Levels in canon (accidentally called them 'exams' instead of 'levels' XD), as can be seen here: http://biosector01.c...php/TeacherHere are the changes I have made:

When I turned to face Nuju, he had a look of shock on his face, as if I had just muttered some foul Skakdi curse in the Great Temple. He almost seemed insulted

There were always small oversights, not enough attention to detail, and not enough conclusive or compelling arguments.

Beside it, stood the relaxed form of Nuju, who was staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes, a look of confusion decorating his blank face.

Some of their symphonies are breathtaking, provided they don’t have their choirs speak in that highly confusing Chute-Speak.”

They were very respectable positions, but they were not suited to me. I could never really wrap my head around those Proto Levels. Still, coming to this district was always immensely pleasurable.

“When do you ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to you proving some kind of point?” Nuju asked.

Since we formally parted ways as student and teacher, I have been involved in a large number of research projects.

... he never smiled or made it seem like he was actually trying to say something funny.

Nuju sighed and rolled his eyes. “Typical. The Onu-Matoran get too much attention as they do with those constant expansions to their Archive.

.... so I have devised a better way to relate my thoughts.


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#9 Offline The First Speaker

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Posted Nov 23 2012 - 04:44 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.
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#10 Offline DeltaStriker

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Posted Nov 23 2012 - 06:18 PM

I love the 'Name something after me" line. Such a subtle reference to Mount Ihu.Overall it's a very good story, and I hope it wins (assuming mine does too ;) )
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#11 Offline Mersery

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Posted Nov 23 2012 - 06:33 PM

Another small change I've made.

“When do you ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to you trying to prove a point of some kind?” Nuju asked.


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#12 Offline Truaga_nuju

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Posted Nov 27 2012 - 03:55 AM

I already read this! :DI've said it before, but I'll say it again: It's very well done. Best of luck in the contest. :)
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#13 Offline Mersery

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Posted Nov 27 2012 - 04:53 AM

A friend of mine spotted another minor grammatical mistake.

The Vahki commander turned and barked an order at its comrades, and immediately, the other Keerakh turned to the other Ko-Matoran and began shoeing them off.

Shoeing should actually be shooing.Since I'm now aware that I cannot make corrections without a Judge's permission (apologies for my earlier ignorance again), may I have permission to make the correction?

Edited by Mersery, Nov 27 2012 - 04:57 AM.

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#14 Offline The First Speaker

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Posted Nov 27 2012 - 09:35 AM

A friend of mine spotted another minor grammatical mistake.

The Vahki commander turned and barked an order at its comrades, and immediately, the other Keerakh turned to the other Ko-Matoran and began shoeing them off.

Shoeing should actually be shooing.Since I'm now aware that I cannot make corrections without a Judge's permission (apologies for my earlier ignorance again), may I have permission to make the correction?

You have my permission.

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#15 Offline Mersery

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Posted Dec 09 2012 - 05:21 PM

 It makes much time and patience to piece its riddles together, and then to understand its meaning.

 

May I correct that to 'takes'?


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#16 Offline Katuko

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Posted Dec 10 2012 - 05:22 AM

An enjoyable read, this. I like how you capture a smaller part of BIONICLE's setting and show a bit of what, exactly, the Ko-Matoran would be found doing on Metru Nui. :)
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#17 Offline Mersery

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Posted Dec 10 2012 - 07:14 AM

An enjoyable read, this. I like how you capture a smaller part of BIONICLE's setting and show a bit of what, exactly, the Ko-Matoran would be found doing on Metru Nui. :)

 

Thanks. :D

 

Also, another small correction to make:

 

outside massive window that looked out onto the frozen district of Ko-Metru.

 

Should be, "the massive window." May I have permission to correct that and the earlier typo I discovered?


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#18 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 12 2012 - 08:08 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

 

An enjoyable read, this. I like how you capture a smaller part of BIONICLE's setting and show a bit of what, exactly, the Ko-Matoran would be found doing on Metru Nui. :)

 

Thanks. :D

 

Also, another small correction to make:

 

 

outside massive window that looked out onto the frozen district of Ko-Metru.

 

 

Should be, "the massive window." May I have permission to correct that and the earlier typo I discovered?

 

-----------------------------

 

Authorized. :)

 

Also, I have a couple more that you can fix. 

 

 Had my back not been turned, my pupil would have been able to see my expression, but since he couldn’t, only I could truly appreciate.

--------------------------

 

Should be " Had my back not been turned, my pupil would have been able to see my expression, but since he couldn’t, only I could truly appreciate it."

 

He had become his friend, an intellectual peer.

---------------------------

 

Since the narrative is in first-person, should be "He had become my friend, an intellectual peer." I doubt Nuju would become friends with himself. 

 

Aside from that, I really like this story - the Memory Crystal was pretty cool, I didn't even know that existed, so good job doing your homework. :)


Edited by fishers64, Dec 12 2012 - 08:09 PM.

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#19 Offline Willess12

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Posted Dec 12 2012 - 08:59 PM

 

 

The Memory Crystal’s potential goes far beyond that of a mere data storage tool; it can be used to record entire biographies and records of entire lives with the painstaking effort of carving letters on tablets.

 

 

The 'with' should be without.  I am not a judge, so you'll have to get permission from a judge to edit that.


Edited by Willess12, Dec 12 2012 - 09:01 PM.

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#20 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 12 2012 - 10:40 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge (now): 

 

 

The Memory Crystal’s potential goes far beyond that of a mere data storage tool; it can be used to record entire biographies and records of entire lives with the painstaking effort of carving letters on tablets.

 

 

The 'with' should be without.  I am not a judge, so you'll have to get permission from a judge to edit that.

-------------------------------------------------------------

After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. 


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#21 Offline Mersery

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Posted Dec 20 2012 - 02:22 AM

We strode past several the rooms of prophecy...

 

The word 'the' should not be there. May I have permission to correct it?


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#22 Offline The First Speaker

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Posted Dec 29 2012 - 03:59 AM

 

We strode past several the rooms of prophecy...

 

 

The word 'the' should not be there. May I have permission to correct it?

 

Authorised. Remember to post here what you changed.


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#23 Online bonesiii

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Posted Jan 02 2013 - 03:51 AM

Sorry this has taken so long. I had my review of your entry almost fully typed up two weeks but then I clicked the wrong button on a windows update that restarted the computer, and then I got lazy... :PAnywho...

 

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Many grammar things, and just one important but tiny storyline error plus a few questionable details; everything easily fixed. A very nice entry, one of the most "intense in psychology rather than action" entries in any canon contest that I recall, tackling that age old mystery; how to change a stubborn mind. :) Having had quite a lot of experience myself in that area, I can report that you've done an excellent job portraying it, and I hope the voters agree.

 

I especially liked your implying of the way Nuju originally got the idea for Mt. Ihu to be named after his mentor, and the conversation about the Kanoka. I dunno if you noticed, but as a logician / seasoned debater, I think if I was Ihu, I would have pointed out that Nuju's reasoning contradicted his conclusion, as he several times appealed to things he knows about the past to make his case. I like it best as is, though, with Ihu not apparently consciously noticing it, as a story is best when focusing on emotion rather than logic, in general, and Ihu is, of course, not me. The end was quite clever too, and with a memorable lesson to it all.

 

 

 

 

Those were the first words of complaint I remember Nuju saying to me as he sat his first lesson with me."sat his first lesson" is awkward, not sure what to change it to, though.The information is roughly 4,000 years oldI looked up the timeline on this, and it appears it clearly cannot work. BS01 says:

The technology to develop Kanoka was first invented in the Ko-Metru Knowledge Towers around 4,000 years ago.

You may have glanced at this page and just grabbed that number. But we have to subtract over 1000 from it because "ago" means, before the story present, so you have to account for the Dark Time and Great Cataclysm. And you have to subtract an unknown amount of time between the GC and Ihu's death, and then again some amount of time between that and Ihu taking on Nuju as a student.I strongly advise avoiding the issue and saying "The information is hundreds of years old." Still a long time from our human perspective and giving plenty of time for new methods to be divised, but easily avoiding running into a timing contradiction. And I also don't advise pinning down exactly when entries take place, in general.I smiled at my new student courtesy.Something seems to be missing from this sentence.I am no common student; If I wasDon't capitalize after a semi-colon. In this case I recommend making it a period; I think it would flow best that way.Regardless of what you think Kanoka studies are not relevant fields to the scholars of the future.Advise comma after "think". As it is, when I read it at first I thought it was "Regardless of what you think Kanoka studies are, they're not that" or the like.Every Ko-Matoran knows that making difference to our societyEvery Ko-Matoran knows that making a difference to our societyOur society is built upon by the past.This might be what you meant to say but I suspect you meant "built upon the past".There is just as much importance on the past as there is on the future.Not sure "on" is the best preposition to use in those two phrases. In?I had called upon to lecture in Ga-MetruI had been called upon to lecture in Ga-Metruhad caused many to perceive me as a bit of a… maverick, so to speak.Seems odd, both to have him use this word, and to pause as if trying to think of it, considering Nuju just used it. And it's redundant for the reader. I would avoid having him think of a descriptive label for himself and instead describe the reactions of others to his oddness. That "however" implies that there's something bad coming, and when all you do is repeat that he's a maverick, that alone doesn't really seem inconsistent with his being so popular; mavericks often are in real life, because they stand out.The atmosphere was cold and apart from the mechanical chirping sounds of the nearby Vahki drones that flooded the room, not a word had been said.Did you mean the atmosphere was cold literally? Considering it's in the context of no words being said, and relief that no gossip was going to happen, implies emotional coldness, but just to say the atmosphere was cold in Ko-Metru can be taken literally too easily if so.Also, recommend comma after cold, because at first I thought it said that the atmosphere was cold, and the atmosphere was also apart.The Vahki squad leader, clearly of the Keerakh variety split off from the restThe Vahki squad leader, clearly of the Keerakh variety, split off from the restBeside it, stood the relaxed form of NujuBeside it stood the relaxed form of Nujubut despite this, I always found it"but" and "despite this" are redundant; recommend simply:but I always found itunnerving to see this aimless driftersSomething's off here...I wish to be that there is no lasting damageRecommend:I wish there to be no lasting damageWe strode past several the rooms of prophecy, ancient centers of learning and various laboratories.We strode past several rooms of prophecy, ancient centers of learning, and various laboratories.notify me on what had happenednotify me of what had happeneda brash cool dudeword filter got ya. ;) Recommend "fool".It was subtle of course, like the ripples in a pond when you chucked in a pebble, but the effects were.Methinks you missed a word at the end.From being his most defiant student to his most avid listener, Nuju had become more than just another pupil.I think you lapsed into third person here.Next time, I should take to see the musicians in Le-MetruNext time, I should take you to see the musicians in Le-Metruthe Great Spirit did not lie out all this beauty before usthe Great Spirit did not lay out all this beauty before usThat's the form for when there's a direct object; in this case "all this beauty".you’re Destiny is your ownyour Destiny is your own"Your" is possessive; it's his destiny. "You're" is the contraction of "you are", so you said "You are Destiny".without a hint distractionwithout a hint of distractionArriving at me observatoryUnless this is Pirate Ihu, "my". :PI smiled back to him as we walked up and shook each other’s hand.Matoran Universe characters "fist bump" rather than shaking hands. You could phrase it like this:I smiled back to him as we walked up and tapped fists together.I’m getting a bit too old to continue mentoring new scholars.I'd cut this. They age so slowly, a difference of what can only be less than 3000 years (due to the Kanoka reference) is highly unlikely to make any noticeable difference. After all, Takua is the oldest Matoran and he's still full of spunk in MOL, at least a thousand years after this. And the next sentence answers Nuju's question well enough anyways.so I haven’t ran out of interesting workso I haven’t run out of interesting workYour telescope had been deactivated to conserve power. Ko-Matoran rarely deactivate their telescopes unless they are leaving for long periods of time.Hrm... Is this referring to a computer-like readout function similar to that seen in MNOG in the Great Telescope, I presume? I don't see why they wouldn't deactivate them to save power when not using them normally. Perhaps change to a lens cap was put on, that is normally not bothered with unless they're leaving.and You know what those attendants are likeand you know what those attendants are likeAs I began to make my way towards the door, Nuju rose and moved to block me, grabbing my hand and shaking it firmly.Given that they don't shake hands, I'd consider cutting the blocking too, or have him hold up a fist and Ihu respond.Though these memoirs on my tutoring of dear Nuju"on" should be "of", although then it would be redundant with the "of" already there. Consider rephrasing the whole part.

I could never really [w]rap my head around those Proto Exams

I personally have no problem with you saying how the Ga-Metru exams are called. However, it would be worth asking the contest hosts if it is alright to do something like this, as I'm not 100% sure.

It's fine with me. I was somewhat confused by what you changed this to, "Proto Levels"; I wasn't certain what was being measured into levels, and I assumed it had to do with levels of liquid protodermis in tanks during purification. :P I see now it isn't. I'd just change it back to exams. The rules do say you can define minor things like this. After all, from the context it's left open to interpretation as to how widespread these are. Implying they were universal would be a problem, but as it was, should be fine.


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#24 Offline Core Jalokim

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Posted Jan 02 2013 - 08:55 AM

Bravo fezmaster, Bravo! this was an excellant read, and you should check out my entry!


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#25 Offline Mersery

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Posted Jan 03 2013 - 09:04 PM

Thanks for the feedback, bonesii. Many of those mistakes are borne from the fact that I wrote this entry in the last few days of the contest and didn't have time to thoroughly examine it. Now that you mention it, I probably should've had Ihu point out that Nuju was relying on information from the past to make his deductions. Would've made for an interesting moment, but alas, I can't add new scenes to this story. May I have permission to correct things you pointed out?


Edited by Fezmaster, Jan 04 2013 - 07:03 PM.

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#26 Online bonesiii

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Posted Jan 03 2013 - 11:08 PM

Yes, a judge posting about issues equals permission to edit for those things. :)


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#27 Offline Mersery

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Posted Jan 04 2013 - 10:47 PM

All errors have been corrected, along with a couple of other typos I spotted on the way. In regards to the Proto Exams, I decided to reach a compromise and call them Proto Level examinations.  :P


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#28 Offline Mersery

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Posted Jan 05 2013 - 09:16 AM

Finally did a proper read through myself. I hope these may be final changes, but there might still be a few things I've missed.

 

------

 

"I turned away from him and walked across my observatory, coming to stop outside the massive window that looked out onto the frozen district of Ko-Metru."

 

I think I meant to write, "near the massive window" rather than "outside..." Unless Nuju can walk through glass and levitate. But I wouldn't bend canon THAT much. :P

 

"It cannot guide us the future.” - I believe it should be, "It cannot guide us to our future.”

 

" My tendency to place as much value on the past as I did on the future had caused many to comment that I was a tad eccentric." I feel the word 'yet' should be put at the beginning. 

 

"“I suppose that would explain a great many, Nuju," - should be "great many things."

 

"... you’d be a little be able to see things from a different perspective.” - I'm surprised this line hasn't been brought up by someone else before, unless somebody did and I accidentally overlooked it :P. May I change it to something along the lines of, "... you’d be a little more willing to see things from a different perspective.”

 

"... but I always found it unnerving to see these aimless drifters in the silent streets of Ko Metru." - I can see what bonesii was saying about this sentence earlier sounding a bit off. At first, I thought it was because I had 'this' instead of 'these,' but perhaps what I need to do is slightly elaborate on the aimless drifters part. May I change it to something like, "... these drifters borne of the staff wander aimlessly in the street of Ko Metru"?

 

"....  I’m surprised they were willing to escort you back to my Knowledge Tower and notify me of what had happened. What you did there was downright stupid!” - There's nothing grammatically wrong with this sentence (at least to me), but I feel there may be an inconsistency I overlooked. At the beginning, I stated Ihu was in a Tower of Thought, then say in this statement it's his Knowledge Tower. I'm not entirely sure if it was stated scholars could take up residence in a ToT, but even if they were, I doubt Ihu would be so vain as to call it his Knowledge Tower. Perhaps it call all be cleared up if I say, "this Knowledge Tower." Thoughts?

 

Accusing any Ko-Matoran of being stupid was a great offense, to say the least. - maybe remove the comma?

 

"... Your genius will take you far in your future career, but things like this will not do anything for you!" - I feel I need to be more specific and say, "any favours for you" (well.... favors, since I assume I have to write this in American English :P).

 

"... with the orange lights joining them in the retreat." - Feel it should be "their" to avoid confusion.

 

"Since the incident with the Vahki, Nuju had begun to mellow somewhat, with his impatience and stubbornness fading somewhat." I shouldn't use the word somewhat twice in the same sentence. Perhaps replace the second one with, "to some degree"?

 

"He was still a razor-sharp critic, who analysed everything that crossed his desk..." I feel I need to add, "with intense scrutiny" to emphasise the point. Otherwise the sentence doesn't make sense, because all Ko-Matoran analyse the stuff that crosses their desks.

 

"... the city’s greatest spiritual and learning hub." - Something feels wrong with that.

 

"... staring out at the orange sun holes." - Not sure Ihu knew they were Sun Holes. Maybe just say suns.

 

“When do you ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to you trying to prove a point of some kind?” - this can be simplified to, “When do you ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to a point you are trying to prove?”

 

“And what would that be?” - In the context, I felt it should've been, "and what would that one thing be?"

 

“The amount of stress you put me under sometime..." - needs to be sometimes.

 

"A group of Archivists want me to partake as a guest speaker." - Maybe reword that as, " A group of Archivists want me to sit as a guest speaker in public talk."

 

"it can be used to record entire biographies and records of entire lives." - Again, I repeat a word unnecessarily in the same sentence. Maybe replace the second 'record' with "first-hand accounts of entire lives."

 

"no reason for my colleagues to intervene on me using the crystal in such a way." - Something's off. Maybe. "... no reason for my colleagues to intervene because of my unusual usage of this crystal."

 

" - my tutoring of Nuju simply being a smaller section of a much larger piece of work -" Alter it to, "is simply a smaller section etc."

 

--------

 

 

Aaaaaand those are all of my corrections. Quite a lot. I recommend a judge who has time on their hands to go through them. Hopefully, this should be the last batch. :P


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#29 Online bonesiii

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Posted Jan 05 2013 - 04:22 PM

Yes, you have permission for all that. :) To some specifics:

 

Accusing any Ko-Matoran of being stupid was a great offense, to say the least. - maybe remove the comma?

Either way works; I'll leave it up to you.

 

You don't have to use American English. (This has come up before; whichever version you use natively is fine.)

 

 

"... the city’s greatest spiritual and learning hub." - Something feels wrong with that.

Seems fine to me. :shrugs:

 

"... staring out at the orange sun holes." - Not sure Ihu knew they were Sun Holes. Maybe just say suns.

Dunno how I didn't catch that. Of course you're right, he wouldn't know that. He'd just say suns. 


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#30 Offline Mersery

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Posted Jan 05 2013 - 05:08 PM

All corrections made. Also, slightly re-worded one sentence to, "Typical. The Onu-Matoran's work gets more attention than it deserves, especially with all those constant expansions to their Archives."


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#31 Offline Mersery

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Posted Jan 26 2013 - 11:21 PM

Right, after having this proof-read one final time, I have a final bunch of corrections, revisions and grammar fixes (said this before, but I guarantee this'll be the last XD). This'll probably count as my final major revision to my entry, so here goes.

 

----

 

"Those were the first words of complaint I remember Nuju saying to me...." should be, "words of complaint that I remember..."

 

"However, there was a catch with undertaking Nuju as a student. There always is in these sorts of things, I suppose." I feel it would be better worded as, "taking on Nuju as a student." Also, the second sentence is more suitable if it is conjoined to the previous one. "... taking on Nuju as a student -there always is in these sorts of things, I suppose.

 

"Despite his intellectual brilliance he was said to be... impatient. Always said to be in a hurry." Probably better as, "... impatient and always said to be in a hurry."

 

"I took no offense to the gesture..." If I'm going to remain consistent with the choice to use British English in this story, then it should be offence.

 

"But Nuju's eyes gleamed with more the just intellectual frustration and hunger, they glowed with disappointment." Small corrections here. Should be "gleamed more than just..." also instead of using a comma to separate the line, ".... and hunger, they glowed with disappointment," there should be a colon.

 

"The information is hundreds of years old," Nuju grumbled. "In those years, scores of mask makers have proposed new and better ways to create Kanohi." - instead of "In those years," it should be "Since those years." Sounds more suiting.

 

"And what do those mask makers base their improvements off of?" I always felt a bit iffy with how I worded the last part of that line. How about "... base their improvements on?"

 

"I smiled at my new student courteously, despite the icy glares he gave me that seemed as sharp as a dagger."  Based on the way I said "the icy glares," perhaps it should be "seemed as sharp as daggers" rather than, "as sharp as a dagger."

 



"Why am I studying this anyway?" he demanded, his head fiercely." The line is missing a word here. How about, "shaking his head fiercely."?

 

"To prove to you that great advancements in Matoran culture do not solely rely on stargazing or deciphering cryptic puzzles." Slight addition to the beginning of the sentence: "You study this to prove to you that great advancements in Matoran culture do not solely rely on stargazing or deciphering cryptic puzzles."

 

"... though with the stainless reflective metals being bathed under the dying evening light, the room seemed like an artistic setting." I feel it would be better worded as, "the room seemed to look like an artistic setting." 

 

"But without the lessons of the past, how will we be able to adapt to the future?" Minor tweak. "But without learning the lessons of the past, how will we be able to adapt to the future?"

 

"... but it would be up to Nuju to accept it and do the most important thing a Ko-Matoran could possible do: listen." Should be possibly instead of possible. :P

 

"
I recall standing in the lobby of one of the Metru's innermost Towers of Thought." I feel it is better as, "I was standing in the lobby..."

 

"it was almost relieving to know the nearby scholars were bound by silence," instead of relieving, I feel it should be "almost a relief to know..."

 

"... he had attempted to dethrone me of my respectable standing, like many of my peers had when I myself was a young Seer, but I simply proved too well versed in my field of expertise to truly depose." May I reword that as: "he had attempted to undermine my respectable standing, like many of my peers had when I myself was a young Seer, but I simply proved to be too well versed in my field of expertise to be undermined by a young upstart."?

 

"Many times over, Nuju had presented me hours of work that I had dismissed with the wave of my hand," I feel this sentence could be expanded a bit at the end. Perhaps: "Many times over, Nuju had presented me hours of work that I had dismissed with the wave of my hand, which further fuelled his irritation."?

 

"
I approached the group of Vahki, keeping a weary eye on the various scholars that encircled them..." Should be wary rather than weary.

 

"Instead it broke itself from it motionless state and left the Tower along with its squadron, and within mere seconds, they vanished into the blizzard outside. " No comma needed after the word 'squadron.'

 

"A short pause ensued, and an almost sinister silence filled in the blank." The comma after 'ensued' is not needed.

 

"...but I always found it unnerving to see these drifters borne of the staff wander aimlessly in the street of Ko Metru." Should be streets.

 

"We strode past several rooms of prophecy, ancient centers of learning and various laboratories." Again, for consistency, it should be centre.

 

"Nuju was silent. Accusing any Ko-Matoran of being stupid was a great offense, to say the least." Same reasoning as the above one. Should be 'offence.'

 

"... many Ga-Matoran teachers had asked me to do lectures, and had more than once offered me a position at the schools there." Again, no need for a comma after the word 'lectures.'

 

"... followed by a tour of the jaw-dropping Great Temple (a place that made even the most emotionally-detached individuals feel in awe) and an expedition along the coastline of the water region via a business called Macku’s Canoes." Perhaps the line about Macku's Canoes should be split into a completely off from the rest of the sentence to be it's own line Perhaps. "We then went on an expedition along the coastline of the water region via a business called Macku’s Canoes."?

 

"At times, one must simply appreciate what life offers we simple Matoran." Probably better as: "At times, one must simply appreciate what life offers us simple Matoran."



 

"I also notice you have redecorated your observatory since the last time we visited one another. I don't like it." Should be "noticed."

 

"Your most important intellectual properties are not present on your desks. Implications: They have been stored somewhere." Another minor rewording. I feel it should be: "Your most important intellectual properties are not present on your desks. The implication is that they have been stored somewhere."

 

-----

 

And that should be my last batch of corrections. May I make them?


Edited by Fezmaster, Jan 27 2013 - 05:05 PM.

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#32 Online bonesiii

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Posted Jan 29 2013 - 11:04 PM

Permission granted, but some disagreements:

 

"To prove to you that great advancements in Matoran culture do not solely rely on stargazing or deciphering cryptic puzzles." Slight addition to the beginning of the sentence: "You study this to prove to you that great advancements in Matoran culture do not solely rely on stargazing or deciphering cryptic puzzles."

Since it's in speech I feel this one is unneeded. Up to you though. 

"... he had attempted to dethrone me of my respectable standing, like many of my peers had when I myself was a young Seer, but I simply proved too well versed in my field of expertise to truly depose." May I reword that as: "he had attempted to undermine my respectable standing, like many of my peers had when I myself was a young Seer, but I simply proved to be too well versed in my field of expertise to be undermined by a young upstart."?

I dunno, I like it better the more poetic way. :P I thought that was one of the best lines. Keep it methinks. :P 

Perhaps: "Many times over, Nuju had presented me hours of work that I had dismissed with the wave of my hand, which further fuelled his irritation."?

Maybe overexplaining. 

"Instead it broke itself from it motionless state and left the Tower along with its squadron, and within mere seconds, they vanished into the blizzard outside. " No comma needed after the word 'squadron.'

I also notice the second "it" should be "its". 

"Your most important intellectual properties are not present on your desks. Implications: They have been stored somewhere." Another minor rewording. I feel it should be: "Your most important intellectual properties are not present on your desks. The implication is that they have been stored somewhere."

I like it better with the colon and shorter (therefore more striking) form, but (not sure; I forget the context) maybe it should be implication, singular not plural?


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#33 Offline Mersery

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Posted Jan 30 2013 - 01:05 AM

All revisions made. I've agreed with all the points bonesii raised. I think it's about as ready as it's going to be now. :P


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"A Toa is not someone who has no fear - but someone who masters their fear."

 

 


#34 Offline X-Ray

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Posted Feb 08 2013 - 04:03 PM

 

"When do you ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to a point you are trying to prove?”Nuju asked. It was a rhetorical question."

My eyes trailed off over his shoulder as I thought of a response.

"I've been participating in some fairly big science projects. Many value my comprehensive knowledge on the prophecies, so I haven't run out of interesting work just yet. However, I have been relegating myself to smaller works."

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][font="'trebuchet ms', helvetica, sans-serif;"][color=#008080;]The first of these quotes should have a quotation mark before "rhetorical." The second of these quotes should have a space between those two paragraphs.[/color][/font][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][font="'trebuchet ms', helvetica, sans-serif;"][color=#008080;]This was an altogether touching story. You wrote the dynamic between Ihu and Nuju quite well, demonstrating the contrast between their two personalities perfectly. Granted, as we know little about Ihu from canon sources, you were mostly free to come up with your own characterization of him, though I thought that it was well done. I also liked the line about Nuju naming something after Ihu. Foreshadowing, no? The pacing was well written, the three parts and the epilogue of your story meshing together excellently. One thing I took as a sort of throwaway joke was the ludicrous number of tablets that Nuju had carved out during his and Ihu's excursion to Ga-Metru. If you were being serious, well, I don't know what to say.[/color][/font][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][font="'trebuchet ms', helvetica, sans-serif;"][color=#008080;]I wish you luck in the contest, sir, and happy trails.[/color][/font][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][font="'trebuchet ms', helvetica, sans-serif;"][color=#008080;]Sincerely, :akaku: X-Ray :akaku:[/color][/font][/font]


Edited by X-Ray, Feb 08 2013 - 04:03 PM.

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#35 Offline Mersery

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Posted Feb 09 2013 - 01:17 AM

Thanks for your kind words. As for the number of tablets, I doubt I paid it much thought at the time, though I probably wasn't being serious. Given the context, I probably wrote it as a joke. After all, how does one carve up that many tablets in such a short space of time? I doubt there would be many people who could write that many pages in real life on paper in that amount of time. :P


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#36 Offline Mersery

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Posted Aug 21 2013 - 04:15 PM

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]I dunno if you noticed, but as a logician / seasoned debater, I think if I was Ihu, I would have pointed out that Nuju's reasoning contradicted his conclusion, as he several times appealed to things he knows about the past to make his case. I like it best as is, though, with Ihu not apparently consciously noticing it, as a story is best when focusing on emotion rather than logic, in general, and Ihu is, of course, [/color]not[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] me.[/color]

 

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Should've asked this a while back (since I'm not sure if I'll get a reply, based on how long this topic's been dead  :P). [/color]

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Just wondering, is it alright if I incorporate the idea I've quoted above into my entry? It wouldn't be a major addition or rewrite; it'd just be a line or two of Ihu making an quiet observation to himself.[/color][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] [/color]Alternatively (like bonesii said), this change might seem a bit unnecessary to the story, so it might be completely unneeded.[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] [/color][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]I'm surprised I didn't think of this idea when I originally wrote it, but[/color][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] are these stories set in stone when they are submitted?[/color]


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"A Toa is not someone who has no fear - but someone who masters their fear."

 

 


#37 Online bonesiii

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Posted Aug 22 2013 - 02:47 AM

That's a small enough edit that if you think you can make it work, I'm fine with it. It is plausible to say that it could be corrective, as Ihu might actually say something like that. I would not approve general style changes just for their own sake, though, to be clear. The only reason I didn't call it a definite problem was possible story considerations beyond mere plausibility, but really Ihu probably should have thought of it, to make the story fit canon better. It's something I would leave up to you whether you want to change or not.


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#38 Online bonesiii

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Posted May 26 2014 - 02:53 PM

*allows self to double post :P *

As it appears all problems have been fixed, I'm calling this good to go to the polls, although technically by the rules it would need two more judge approvals (if we had stayed on schedule :P). However, the author is still invited to make edits to fix anything further that's brought up and approved for editing by a judge. If the entry wins we can worry about making any further edits with special approval then.

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#39 Offline Quisoves Pugnat

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Posted May 28 2014 - 03:42 PM

Good job on your story. Unambitious, but in the best of ways. I wish you luck at the polls.

Just one question, though: Do Matoran actually have teeth?


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#40 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted May 28 2014 - 05:39 PM

Well, Mata Nui does!

 

tn_The_Legend_Reborn_Review-08.jpg

 

(I swear, I will leap at any chance I get to use that image...)


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New short story: AN EVEN EXCHANGE, featuring the Makuta of Stelt




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