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The Twilight Forum

Weird stories

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6 replies to this topic

#1 Offline King of the Madness Isles

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 09:04 PM

Time for a controversial one-shot :P Oh I almost forgot... DISCLAIMER: I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings in this comedy, but too bad if I did. There we go! PURPLEBOUNCY'S ONE SHOTSTHE TRANSITION--- "You're good, you're good!" the worker called, not really paying attention as he instructed the driver of the truck on backin up. CRUNCH! "WHAT WAS THAT?" the driver shouted. "Oh...just an ordinary member, nothing to worry about." "Okay, that's fine." The driver hopped out of the truck and called to somewhere sitting on a pile of boxes about fifty feet away. "Where do you want these?" Three people walked up and began unloading boxes. "Oh, just take 'em to the Comedies building" the sitting man said. "Sounds good, Black." Black Six just nodded and went to back to sitting nonchalantly. The guy who'd been instructing the driver on backing up left, taking one more unnecessary and unnamed character out. Just to add to that impression, someone promptly ran over him. And to add some dark humour, they were driving an ambulance. Heh. One of the guys unloading, a mover, asked his friend something. "What do you have there?" "Let's see..." his friend replied. He checked the names written on the boxes he held. "Aftermath...Tahu vs. Tahu...and Vultraz's Diner. What about you?" "I got...The Sniper of BZPower, The Toa Mizore, and, uh...some stupid thing called 'It's A Mad House!' And the cool dude who wrote it forgot not to capitalize the 'A'-twice!" The other mover unloaded some stuff by BIONICLE Hero, more by Kpik, and The Legend Reloaded. The three began carrying them to the Comedies building. "Man...these are heavy" the mover with Sniper, Mizore, and Mad House complained. "Yeah, try Aftermath! It's got three hundred something screwed chapters! This is worse than after the dataclysm!" "I'm dropping this dumb 'ol one." The last mover tossed another box, a minibox labeled "It's a Mad House: Uprising"."No one'll miss it, and it's not even aired yet!" The box hit the driver on the head. The driver then got back in his truck, but thanks to brain damage, accidentally drove it into the Epics forum, taking out Glitch in the System. "Whatever THAT is..." the driver said with a chuckle. --- The Comedies building was large, with the front containing shiny new comedies and the back holding dusty old ones. The movers were instructed to store the boxes in a special room in the back for now, until they were either continued, pickd up by owners, or formally canceled. As they walked back there, they noticed a rat scamper over a dusty old box labeled "My Life With the Bionicles". A small Nuhvok-Va set poked its head out, gasping for sugar, but a nearby moderator pulled out a nightstick and beat it down and back in. The movers reached the back and tossed the boxes in. The Legend Reloaded crushed Mad House, and Iruini yelled from within. One of the movers tossed a cigarrete down and stamped it out... --- BLACK! That was all to be seen as characters rushed out of the building. But no chance. Everything, comedy crates, boxes, BURNED. Just as they had planned. Somewhere, six bullets were in Black Six's chest. How dare he refuse to go along with the plan. Same with Hahli Husky. Only the OTS productions had survived...

Edited by PurpleBouncy, Oct 15 2011 - 09:07 PM.

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"The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. No more half measures Walter."


#2 Offline Snoopy82

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 09:27 PM

Well then. Where to begin. I rather like your matter-of-fact style; I feel it gives the whole affair a bit of a more casual edge to a black comedy. Speaking of which, I do like the concept--based around the return--and I think you pull it off pretty well (and of course you managed to fit in some subtle advertising ;)). Now I do think you could have expanded on it a bit, both by adding in some more raw content as well as more jokes. I'm sorry, but there just aren't enough jokes. I understand the overarching comedy, but some more specific humor would be welcome. All in all, good job but once again there is room for improvement. :)
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#3 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 07:52 AM

This makes the Comedies forum seem a lot more depressing than it actually is :P . I liked the part where the unnnecessary and unnamed character was run over by the ambulance. Seems like something I'd do in my own comedies. What I didn't like, though, is how bare this one-shot feels. Nothing wrong with bare bones writing, but it feels to me like you could have maybe added in some more material and some more jokes, like Snoopy82 said. That, and it was a bit confusing at times figuring out what was happening to who. I also liked how you mentioned my own comedy, "The Legend Reloaded." Free advertizing for me! Yay! (Although maybe I shouldn't be celebrating because TLReloaded is finished and is in the archives, but whatever.) Overall I think it's pretty good, but it could use some improvement (in my opinion, at least). -TNTOS-
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#4 Offline King of the Madness Isles

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 12:22 PM

Thanks for the feedback. Maybe later I'll remake this. I know I have plenty of time, as long as I avoid laziness disease.
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"The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. No more half measures Walter."


#5 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 01:25 PM

...whoa... Well, that was a rather unique and bleak portrayal of the events. Not sure if I 100% agree with it, maybe more of a lost link between the old and new forums, since the old still have the archives, but still, a very good piece of writing. -MT
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#6 Offline King of the Madness Isles

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 01:38 PM

Thanks MT. I was going for a big unrealistic and bleak and such. Heh heh...
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"The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. No more half measures Walter."


#7 Offline A Toa Hero

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 06:05 PM

heh. I definitely approve of this comedy. I like the advertising, and now Im waiting for Its a "Mad House:Uprising" (this proves im not as stupid as my profile pic makes me look! :sly: ) It would have been better if there were a few more jokes, but not half bad!

Edited by ToaTonyia toa of awesome, Oct 16 2011 - 06:07 PM.

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