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Memoirs of the Dead entry: Casualties

Nidhiki Lhikan Memoirs of the Dead Dume Jalokim

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#1 Offline Sir Jalokim

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Posted Nov 25 2012 - 09:19 AM

Nidhiki stood at the wall of the Dark Hunter fortress. Every now and then he thought about the times he had been in Metru Nui and the many battles he had fought in the Toa-Dark Hunter War. During times of war, it was normal for someone to write down the details for each battle, so future historians can have a record. When Nidhiki was bored, he would read the words he wrote all those years ago and ponder what he could have done to prevent himself from becoming a Dark Hunter and looking like the monster he is now.

 

* * *

 

Toa-Dark Hunter war, day 42

 

I was in the room with the rest of the Toa Mangai and Dume where we usually strategize, when someone knocked on the chamber door. I was wondering who was rude enough to cut me off in mid-sentence until I saw she was one of our Toa scouts. She was a Toa of Lightning and wore a white Kanohi Akaku. She stepped forward. She explained that she had overheard a couple of Dark Hunters talking about a bomb. She also stated that they planned to use that bomb to destroy a third of the Toa defending the city.

 

And then... All Lhikan said was that we would deal with it after we got medical supplies for our injured Toa! So I decided to make my thoughts on the matter clear.

 

"You can't be serious! We need to deal with this as soon as possible! This is war! The Dark Hunters wouldn't waste time to destroy us all!" I said.

 

"Even if we did something about this bomb, what would we do? Throw elemental bursts and hope they hit something? If we go in with just what we have, what would we accomplish?" Lhikan replied.

 

"That's a much better plan than waiting!"

 

"If I can get a word in, we could just send in a team small enough to slip by their defenses and steal the bomb for examination," the scout interjected.

 

I had to say, I was quite surprised I hadn’t thought about that.

 

She continued, "I volunteer myself to go, since I am the only one who knows where the bomb is located.

 

"Lhikan considered this for a moment.

 

"We’ll send a team in about an hour. And since you are so eager for action, Nidhiki, you shall accompany this Toa and two others who are willing to go on this mission. Is that clear?"

 

"Yes... Brother" I replied bitterly.

 

We then headed out to search for Toa who would be willing to accompany us.

 

* * *

 

There were two Toa willing to accompany us, one a Toa of Fire with a gold hue and a red Hau, the other a Toa of "the Green" wearing a blue Faxon. The three Toa with me seemed to know each other quite well. They were remembering their adventures before the war. They seemed to have a lot of good memories, but where I come from, you can never be completely safe, which was why I had learned to use the shadows to my advantage, unlike these three.

 

Eventually we reached Ga-Metru, where the Toa of Lightning said the bomb was located. She used her Kanohi Akaku to scan for the bomb, but she couldn’t find it. She suggested that the Dark Hunters had moved it to keep it safe.

 

"So how do you suppose we find one bomb in this entire section of the Metru?" the Toa of Fire asked.

 

"We should split into two teams so we can cover more ground. You, Toa of Plant Life, you're with me. Let's go," I replied.

 

The team went in opposite directions, the Toa of Plants and I taking the left path.

 

Eventually we found a Dark Hunter outpost, with the Dark Hunter named Primal standing guard. He didn't see us yet, so I created a vacuum around him, and due to the lack of air, he fell unconscious.

 

I and the Toa of the green went inside the outpost, only to find that there was nothing there.

 

Then, we saw a ball of flame erupt in the air just about a kio away.

 

"What is that Toa thinking!? He just gave away his position to the whole city!" I exclaimed.

 

"He is still a novice, so he has a lot to learn. But don't worry; we know where he is, so I suggest we make haste."

 

When we arrived at the site of the flare, we found our two Toa allies battling four Dark Hunters at the time.

 

"I guess we'd better help," I said to my partner.

 

A green dark hunter of the Skakdi race seemed to notice us. He seemed to be the one in charge of the group. "Hakann! Reidak! Teach these two to not interfere with things that don't concern them!" he ordered.

 

The one called Reidak charged at me. I hurled a cyclone at him, which seemed to make him even madder. As soon as the cyclone subsided, he charged at me yet again.

 

“You’re a tricky one, aren't you?” I said.

 

He let out a growl of frustration and swung, with the blunt end of his Buzz saw smacking me right in the mask.

 

"OWW! That's it, no more playing easy!"

 

I swung at him, with my scythe hooking onto his Buzz saw. With all my might, I tore it free from his grip.

 

As soon as he was defenseless, I punched him with enough force to knock-out a Kane-Ra bull.

 

"Toa, one, Dark Hunter, zero."

 

I went to go help out the novice Toa of Fire, who seemed to be having a hard time beating the one I recognized as Thok.

 

As soon as the fire-spitter noticed I was coming he shouted that he could hold them off while the Toa of Lightning would destroy the bomb.

 

"Sure thing fire-spitter,”

 

I pointed to the dark hunter in charge.

 

“But I'll handle him!"

 

* * *

 

After a furious battle, Zaktan shouted to his squad, "The bomb is lost! We shall live to fight another day!"

 

The one called Hakann pointed his lava launcher at the Toa of plants.

 

"Of course, but it would be rude to leave without a parting gift!"

 

With that said, he shot a lava sphere right at the Toa of "the Green". It struck him square in the chest, slowly burning away at his organs. It must have been an agonizing death.

 

"NOOOOOO!" the fire-spitter shouted, hurling balls of flame at the retreating dark hunters, but it was already too late.

 

"It's all my fault! I should've helped him out! I should've done something!"

 

I went to the Toa of fire and said, "It’s not your fault. Things like this are going to happen during a war, kid. You need to learn to get used to it."

 

And with that, we returned to the Coliseum, where I informed Lhikan of the death of the Toa of plants.

 

"And you are sure you couldn't do anything to prevent this?"

 

"If I could, I would have." I replied.

 

After that was dealt with, we put the bomb in storage, where it was decided it would remain. But I kept on thinking that I should have convinced Lhikan to use the bomb against the Dark Hunters. Bah, he probably would have said “No, we cannot endanger the Matoran!”. Anyway, why would Lhikan care so much about ONE life out of one hundred? Is he surprised that someone was killed in a war? It wouldn’t make sense if he was. In my opinion, you should only care about a death in a war if you lost someone important. This Toa of Plant Life, however, was not important. He was just a soldier, we have dozens of Toa who could take his place!

 

After I thought about this, Lhikan asked me to check in on the guards and inform them of the loss. After I did that, I went to our usual room where we would talk about strategies.

 

END


Edited by bonesiii, Apr 23 2014 - 04:30 AM.
Format reconstructed after a BZP glitch. -bones

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#2 Offline KlakWest

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Posted Nov 25 2012 - 05:36 PM

Wow. This story is fantastic. Well done, Jalokim. Well done.
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Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

 

Happy Hanukkah!

 

My Comedies: The Krika Show (Season 1)
The Krika Show Season 2 

There are no strings on me.

 

 


#3 Offline Sir Jalokim

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Posted Nov 25 2012 - 07:11 PM

Wow. This story is fantastic. Well done, Jalokim. Well done.

Thanks man, that means a lot.

Wow. This story is fantastic. Well done, Jalokim. Well done.

Thanks man, that means a lot.Oops, I accidentally double-posted. Couldn't get it right at bng, no surprise I cant get it right here.

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#4 Offline KlakWest

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Posted Nov 25 2012 - 07:27 PM

No worries o7
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Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

 

Happy Hanukkah!

 

My Comedies: The Krika Show (Season 1)
The Krika Show Season 2 

There are no strings on me.

 

 


#5 Offline Meta-Mind

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Posted Nov 25 2012 - 08:08 PM

Uh, if I may. (I'm not a Contest Judge, so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to make suggestions or the like). First off, capitals - use them. A lot of proper nouns, such as "Toa" (in many cases) need to be capitalized - just look through, they're not hard to spot.Second, your first paragraph switches abruptly from past to present tense. Pick a tense and stick with it - makes for easier-to-understand writing, and it "sounds" better too.Third (minor issue)... maybe it's just me nitpicking, but I don't like the use of single-digit numbers (2 as opposed to the word two). It just seems to kind of... jar me in a sense, break off the feeling that it's a narrative - we don't say "2," we say "two." Might be just me, though.
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BZPRPG TIME, where you could have one post talk about dinner, and the next about lunch.

Time is beyond relative here.

There's no reason not to put lasers in the palms of planet-sized robots. In fact, if I had my own planet-sized robot, palm lasers would be one of my first upgrades. It's good for self-defense if you're attacked by something big.

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#6 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Nov 30 2012 - 05:20 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

A few capitalization errors: Dark Hunter, Metru Nui, Toa, Lhikan, Kanohi, Akaku, Fire, Plant Life, and the Green when they come after "Toa of", Kaukau, -Metru, Kana-Ra, and Firedrakax are all need to be capitalized and aren't at various points. 

 

 

Spelling:

 

 

 

She was a toa of Phsionics

 

Psionics

 

 

Grammar stuff:

 

 

 

 

And then... All lhikan said was that we would deal with it after we get supplies!

 

 Should be got.

 

 

 

We then headed out to search for toa who we're willing to accompany us.

 

Should be were.

 

 

 

There were 2 toa willing to accompany us,

 

Should be "two".

 

 

 

When we arrived at the site of the flare, we found our 2 toa battling 4 dark hunters at one time.

 

 

"Two" and "four" respectively.

 

 

 which seemed to just get him even more mad.

 

 Should be "make", not "get".

 

 

 

 

" You're a tricky one, aren't ya? "I said.

 

 

Comma after the second quotation mark, no line break.

 

 

 

"OWW! That's it, no more mr nice toa!"

 

Mr.

 

-TLhikan


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#7 Offline Sir Jalokim

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Posted Dec 29 2012 - 11:08 AM

alright, I've fixed my entry of awesomeness.

also, Ive changed the Toa of Psionics to a Toa of Lightning.


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#8 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Jan 09 2013 - 12:54 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Capitalisation:Dark Hunter, Toa, any element name after the words "Toa of-", Metru, Kana-Ra, Lhikan, and Colesium all need to capitalized.  

 

 

 

And then... All Lhikan said was that we would deal with it after we got supplies!

 

"All" should not be capitalized

 

 

 

"yes... Brother..." I replied bitterly.

 

"Yes" should be capitalized, "brother" should not. 

 

 

Grammar:

 

Throw elemental bursts and hope it hits something?

 

."They", not "it".

 

 

 

There were 2 Toa willing to accompany us, 

 

Should be "two". Always write out numbers that aren't really large. 

 

 

 

Toa of "the green"

 

No need for quotation marks. 

 

 

 

Eventually we found a Dark-Hunter outpost,

 

No need for a hyphen.

 

 

 

and because of oxygen starvation, he was unconscious.

 

The tense is messed up here; something like "And he soon fell unconscious due to a lack of air" (not sure if oxygen exists in the MU) works better. 

 

-TLhikan


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#9 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Jan 09 2013 - 01:05 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Lotsa of easy grammar fixes. A couple of possible story issues too, I think all easily fixed as well.

 

This was an interesting take on a Nidhiki entry. I felt you could have done something to get more psychological at the end in the first-person narration, giving us Nidhiki's real feelings about it -- does he actually think what he said? Basically, the guy died, get over it, nothing else I could have done, and that's that? I would recommend a bit of editing in there to give us something. It could be quite interesting considering the opening paragraph, and yet that he IS a DH and he might not feel able to make a comment in writing that his boss might feel is too "good guy ish". So not sure, but food for thought. :)

 

Also, I noticed you were intentionally making the extra Toa MOCable; clever. :)

 

 

Nidhiki was standing at the wall of the dark hunter fortress.A style thing that's up to you, but it's better to use active voice rather than passive in fiction, even for a passive line, like this:Nidhiki stood at the wall of the dark hunter fortress.Every now and then he thinks about the times he was in metru nuiCapitalize Metru Nui. You could also say "he thought"; the "thinks" seemed jarring to me.from becoming a dark hunterNot sure if that's supposed to be capitalized too. But you did a bit earlier, with the name of the war. Actually, maybe "war" should be capitalized too.where we usually strategize when some one knockedwhere we usually strategize when someone knockedAlso, possibly put a comma before "when", but it's up to you.I saw she was one of our toa-scouts. She was a toa of LightningCapitalize Toa (both times).She was a toa of Lightning and wore a white Kanohi Akaku. She stepped forward. She explained that she overheard a couple of dark hunters talking about some bomb. She also stated that they plan to use that bomb to destroy a third of the toa population.All four sentences start with the same word which is advised against usually, although it's technically just a style thing too. I'd rephrase. Especially, I'd combine these parts: "She stepped forward and explained..." You could also combine the first sentence in my quote here with the one before, like this: "I saw she was one of our Toa-scouts, of the element of Lightning and wearing a white Kanohi Akaku."Also, again, capitalize Toa, and probably capitalize Dark Hunters. I'll stop bringing this one up over and over, but go through the whole story for those. :)talking about some bomb.Consider a bit less casual sense about how Nidhiki is wording this; not sure "some bomb" fits his personality. It kinda sounds like your voice as a storyteller coming through rather than his own words, and also more like a conversational "so this guys says... there was some bomb" kind of writing which usually isn't good for fiction. :P Which is a lot of words to say this lol -- I'd just say "a bomb".

destroy a third of the toa population.And then... All Lhikan said was that we would deal with it after we got supplies! So I decided to make my thoughts on the matter clear.

This is probably okay because this is a villain's memoir and we can't trust him to be accurately retelling this, but I'm having trouble imagining Lhikan reacting that way. Maybe Tuyet... :P Consider rethinking this part.

"Even if we do something about this bomb, what would we do? Throw elemental bursts and hope it hits something?" Lhikan replied."That's a much better plan than doing nothing!"

If you stick with Lhikan saying this, I still have an issue with this. It's too bad Lhikan got interrupted because I can't be sure he agrees they're going to do nothing. I got the impression Lhikan meant "we don't have enough supplies to deal with the bomb right now and it would be too risky to go in unprepared", not to actually do nothing. Of course, it's his duty to do -something- and I think fully within his nature personally.So basically, consider revising this so Lhikan say something like "if we go in with just what we have, what would we do?" and "better plan than waiting!"Otherwise it feels exaggerated.for examination." the toa-scout interjected.This is a 'said-tag" so instead of a period, that should be a comma.for examination," the Toa-scout interjected.BTW, Toa scout, without a dash, would be fine and maybe better. :shrugs: You can also vary it so sometimes you just call her a scout, so it's not repetitive. As long as she's the only scout in the room it would still be clear who you mean.Also, is there a reason you're not using Tuyet instead, and just saying she went scouting rather than that she has a specific job of scout? Probably the mask of vision, I guess, but it's possible for Toa to borrow one. Just a suggestion, though.Lhikan considered this for a momment.moment

When he made his decision, he said"I have decided that we will send a team in about an hour's time. And since you are so eager for action Nidhiki, you will accompany this toa and 2 others who are willing on this mission. Is that clear?"

Biggest problem here is the said-tag. Ongoing sentences are not to be split over multiple paragraphs like this; the tag goes with the speech.  Also, it's clear that he's speaking, so a said-tag is not even necessary here, since he was just mentioned and it's his call. Finally, "his decision" and "I have decided" are redundant and both uneccessary. So what I would so is this:Lhikan considered for a moment. "We'll send a team in about..."And you can just say "about an hour".Need a comma before Nihdhiki.And that "2" should be spelled out; "two".who are willing on this missionwho are willing to go on this mission"yes... Brother..." I replied bitterly."Yes... Brother..." I replied bitterly.Also the second dotdotdot might be better cut, like this:"Yes... Brother," I replied bitterly.There were 2 Toa willing to accompany us, one a Toa of fire with a gold hue and a red HauTwo, capitalize Fire, and... isn't this Toa a bit too similar to Lhikan? For starters, why not a different mask? That would be yet a third Toa of Fire, including Tahu, with that same setup. :P And there's plenty of other colors to pick besides gold like Lhikan. Maybe black?I'm guessing you wanted these Toa to be buildable since you also used a blue Faxon for the Toa of Plants. But there are other masks in plastic to pick.Eventually we reached Ga-metruMetru"So how do you suppose we find one bomb in this entire section of the metru?" the Toa of fire asked.I thought the scout already knew where it was? A bit confused. Maybe have her look with the Akaku at that spot and see that it's been moved?"We should split into two teams so we can cover more ground. You, Toa of "the green", you're with me. Let's go"I replied.Minor story thing and several grammar. Story: You already called it "the green" with the quote marks in the narration, bit redundant to do it again, and I doubt Nidhiki would emphasize it that way while talking to one. It sounds like a fan talking about it rather than what it is in-story; the natural nickname for it that they're used to.Grammar: If you keep the quote marks, it should be single quotes because it's inside a quote already. The comma should (by standard rules) go inside the single quote rather than outside, although I kinda have a pet peeve about that as a silly rule, but in this case it wouldn't matter so might as well go proper. YOu missed a comma at the end of this quote, after "gO" (but before the quote mark). And finally, the said-tag is accidentally linebreaked (made a new line with the Enter/Return key); it should be on the same line (codewise, anyways; not counting word wrap, but that depends on the viewer's resolution).The team went in opposite directions, with me and the toa of plant life taking the left path.Capitalize. You can condense Plant Life to just Plants; no need to use technical fan-speak here. :P Also, the "me taking" format is a bit awkward. Consider splitting into two sentences like this:The team went in opposite directions. The Toa of Plants and I took the left path.we found a Dark-Hunter outpost, with the dark hunter namedStay consistent; either cap or don't (and I'd say capitalize but I don't recall if Greg did). Also, there's no dash.He didn't see us yet, so I created a vacuum around him, and because of oxygen starvation, he was unconscious.There's been debate whether Toa of Air can just do that so easily. I forget what was proven, if anything, but this will need research as it may be a story contradiction. Matau was able to make one in a sealed room, implying that he couldn't do it in the open air. I'd come up with some other way to get the guard unconscious to avoid the issue.Also, as it's worded, "he was unconscious" is a bit abrupt; it'd be better to say he fell unconscious.our 2 Toa battling 4 Dark Huntersour two Toa battling four Dark HuntersAnd given that the "we" who found this situation are also two Toa, I'd add the word "allies" after "Toa", or something along those lines."I guess we'd better help." I said to my partner."I guess we'd better help," I said to my partner.Hakkan!Hakann!Teach these two to not interfere"two to" is a bit awkward, consider:Teach these two not to interfere" You're a tricky one, aren't ya? "I said."You're a tricky one, aren't ya?" I said.And "ya" might not be for the best.BTW, I notice around this area you're going back and forth between double linebreaks between paragraphs and single linebreaks. I recommend always using double, never single. At the very least, it should be consistent. Possibly some of these weren't meant to be linebreaks, as with this example:He let out a growl of frustration.He swung his blade, with the blunt end smacking me right in the mask.Also in that case, better as:He let out a growl of frustration and swung...beating the one I recognized as firedrakax.Should be capitalized, , and the "k" should be a "c" according to BS01.he shouted that he could hold them off while the toa of Lightning destroys the bomb.he shouted that he could hold them off while the toa of Lightning would destroy the bomb."Sure thing fire-spitter, but I'll handle the female dark hunter."Bit odd to phrase it that way. Consider changing to just "her" and say in narration that he pointed at the female DH. Actually, reading on, this is referring to Lariska? It seems he must know her name, unless he only learned it later since he's writing the memoir later. Anyways, something to consider.After a furious battle, the dark hunter I was fighting known as Lariska had decided that the battle was lost."The bomb is lost! We shall live to fight another day!" she shouted to her squad.Redundant to have the narrator tell us exactly what she's about to say and then have her say it anyways. Just cut the narrated part, something like this:After a furious battle, Lariska shouted to her squad, [then use the same quote].we returned to the colliseumCapitalize, and pretty sure just one l. *checks BS01* Yeah.


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#10 Offline Sir Jalokim

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Posted Jan 09 2013 - 04:19 PM

<blockquote class='ipsBlockquote'data-author="bonesiii" data-cid="488539" data-time="1357754717"><p><strong class='bbc'>The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.</strong><br /> <br />Lotsa of easy grammar fixes. A couple of possible story issues too, I think all easily fixed as well.<br /> <br />This was an interesting take on a Nidhiki entry. I felt you could have done something to get more psychological at the end in the first-person narration, giving us Nidhiki's real feelings about it -- does he actually think what he said? Basically, the guy died, get over it, nothing else I could have done, and that's that? I would recommend a bit of editing in there to give us something. It could be quite interesting considering the opening paragraph, and yet that he IS a DH and he might not feel able to make a comment in writing that his boss might feel is too "good guy ish". So not sure, but food for thought. :)<br /> <br />Also, I noticed you were intentionally making the extra Toa MOCable; clever. </p></blockquote>Believe it or not, these extra toa were based on my current MOCs. The toa of fire is toa jalokim, my self MOC. Toa Ailuj is the toa of lightning, and Nevets is the toa of plant life.I am currently making a series about these Toa in fact.<blockquote class='ipsBlockquote'data-author="toa jalokim" data-cid="488651" data-time="1357766189"><p><blockquote class='ipsBlockquote'data-author="bonesiii" data-cid="488539" data-time="1357754717"><p><br /><strong class='bbc'>The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.</strong><br /><br /> <br /><br />Lotsa of easy grammar fixes. A couple of possible story issues too, I think all easily fixed as well.<br /><br /> <br /><br />This was an interesting take on a Nidhiki entry. I felt you could have done something to get more psychological at the end in the first-person narration, giving us Nidhiki's real feelings about it -- does he actually think what he said? Basically, the guy died, get over it, nothing else I could have done, and that's that? I would recommend a bit of editing in there to give us something. It could be quite interesting considering the opening paragraph, and yet that he IS a DH and he might not feel able to make a comment in writing that his boss might feel is too "good guy ish". So not sure, but food for thought. :)<br /><br /> <br /><br />Also, I noticed you were intentionally making the extra Toa MOCable; clever. <br /></p></blockquote><br /><br />Believe it or not, these extra toa were based on my current MOCs. The toa of fire is toa jalokim, my self MOC. Toa Ailuj is the toa of lightning, and Nevets is the toa of plant life.<br /><br />I am currently making a series about these Toa in fact.</p></blockquote>

Edited by toa jalokim, Jan 09 2013 - 04:18 PM.

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#11 Offline Sir Jalokim

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Posted Jan 24 2013 - 07:17 PM

well, school delayed this a bit, but I have fixed my story.

 

the word count has changed to 1,326.


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#12 Offline Toa of Italy

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Posted Feb 03 2013 - 05:46 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Canon mistakes:

 

A female dark hunter seemed to notice us. She seemed to be the one in charge of the group. "Hakann! Guardian! Teach these two to not interfere with things that don't concern them!" she ordered.

 

I'm not sure using Guardian was the best choice here. Quoting from the Dark Hunters guide:

 

 

Guardian is the keeper of secrets. He stays on the periphery of any major conflict between the Dark Hunters and major foes like the Toa and the Brotherhood of Makuta.

 

 

It's not a serious mistake, but just to be on the safe side, you might want to change the name.

 

 

As soon as he was defenseless, I punched him with enough force to knock-out a Kane-ra bull.

 

 

I'm not sure if a Toa has enough strength to knock out a Kane-Ra bull (which, by the way, should be capitalized like I did).

 

I went to go help out the novice Toa of fire, who seemed to be having a hard time beating the one I recognized as Firedracax.

This is more serious. The Dark Hunters guide says explicitly that Firedracax  was recruited by the Dark Hunters during the war against the Brotherhood. You need to change Dark Hunter.

 

I pointed to the female dark hunter.

“But I'll handle her!"

 

* * *After a furious battle, Lariska shouted to her squad,"The bomb is lost! We shall live to fight another day!"

 

Again, we are on uncertain ground here. It seems to me that when Nidhiki meets Lariska in Birth of a Dark Hunter, it is implied that he had never met her. In addition, in the same story, Nidhiki is clearly no match for her, while here it seems that, if he didn't defeat her, he at least achieved a stalemate. Again, you might want to change the Dark Hunter just to be on the safe side.

 

Language mistakes:

 

 

 

Nidhiki stood at the wall of the dark hunter fortress. Every now and then he thought about the times he was in Metru Nui and the many battles he fought in the Toa-Dark Hunter War. During times of war, it is normal for someone to write down the details for each battle, so future historians could have a record. When Nidhiki was bored, he would read the words he wrote all those years ago and ponder what he could have done to prevent himself from becoming a Dark Hunter and looking like the monster he is now.

 

 

I think "dark hunter" needs to begin with capital letters.

Not "was in Metru Nui" but "had been in Metru Nui" and not "the many battles he fought" but "the many battles he had fought." Since you're using the past tense, you need past perfect to talk about events taking place before the present.

Either turn "it is normal" into "it was normal" or turn "future historians could have" into "future historians can have". There needs to be tense consistency.  

She explained that she overheard a couple of Dark Hunters talking about a bomb. She also stated that they plan to use that bomb to destroy a third of the Toa population.

 

 

Turn "overheard" into "had overheard" and "plan" into "planned". I'm also not sure that the word "population" is adequate here. Most of the Toa who fought in the war were not in Metru Nui permanently, but had only come to reinforce the city.

 

 

"Even if we do something about this bomb, what would we do? Throw elemental bursts and hope they hit something? If we go in with just what we have, what would we do?" Lhikan replied.

 

 

"Even if we did", not "even if we do". You could also avoid repeating "do" and try to find a synonym.

 

 

I had to say, I was quite surprised I didn't think about that.

 

 

"I hadn't thought", not "I didn't think".

 

 

We then headed out to search for Toa who were willing to accompany us.

 

 

Turn "were" into "would be" or just eliminate the verb altogether.

 

There were two Toa willing to accompany us, one a Toa of Fire with a gold hue and a red Hau, the other a Toa of "the green" wearing a blue Faxon. The three Toa accompanying me seemed to know each other quite well. They were remembering their adventures before the war. They seemed to have a lot of good memories, but where I come from; you can never be completely safe, which was why I learned to use the shadows to my advantage, unlike these three.

 

 

I'd capitalize "green". I also think you shouldn't repeat "accompany" so much. The semicolon ( ;) doesn't seem to be appropriate there. And the link between having good memories and not being completely safe is also unclear within the sentence.

Ah, and you should turn "I learned" into "I had learned".

 

 

"We should split into two teams so we can cover more ground. You, Toa of plant life, you're with me. Let's go," I replied.

 

 

Capitalize "plant life". Do the same every time you describe the Toa's element, be it as "the Green", "Plants" or "Plant Life".

 

 

Eventually we found a Dark Hunter outpost, with the dark hunter named Primal standing guard. He didn't see us yet, so I created a vacuum around him, and due to a lack of air, he was unconscious.

 

 

Capitalize "dark hunter". Do the same everywhere. I'd also put "due to the lack of air" and "he fell unconscious". 

When we arrived at the site of the flare, we found our two Toa allies battling four Dark Hunters at one time.

 

 

"at the time", not "at one time".

 

He let out a growl of frustration and swung, with the blunt end smacking me right in the mask.

 

 

Say what weapon he had, otherwise the sentence isn't clear. 

I went to go help out the novice Toa of fire, who seemed to be having a hard time beating the one I recognized as Firedracax.

 

 

Capitalize "fire". Do it every time. 

"NOOOOOO!" the fire spitter shouted, hurling balls of flame at the retreating dark hunters, but it was already too late.

 

 

I think you should always write "fire-spitter" like this.

 

After that was dealt with, we put the bomb in storage, where it was decided it shall remain.

 

 

Turn "it shall remain" into "it would remain".

 

 

This Toa of plant life however, was not important.

 

 

Put a comma before "however".

 

 

 


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#13 Offline Sir Jalokim

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Posted Apr 07 2013 - 05:09 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Canon mistakes:

 

A female dark hunter seemed to notice us. She seemed to be the one in charge of the group. "Hakann! Guardian! Teach these two to not interfere with things that don't concern them!" she ordered.

 

I'm not sure using Guardian was the best choice here. Quoting from the Dark Hunters guide:

 

 

Guar

dian is the keeper of secrets. He stays on the periphery of any major conflict between the Dark Hunters and major foes like the Toa and the Brotherhood of Makuta.

 

 

It's not a serious mistake, but just to be on the safe side, you might want to change the name.

 

 

As soon as he was defenseless, I punched him with enough force to knock-out a Kane-ra bull.

 

 

I'm not sure if a Toa has enough strength to knock out a Kane-Ra bull (which, by the way, should be capitalized like I did).

 

I went to go help out the novice Toa of fire, who seemed to be having a hard time beating the one I recognized as Firedracax.

This is more serious. The Dark Hunters guide says explicitly that Firedracax  was recruited by the Dark Hunters during the war against the Brotherhood. You need to change Dark Hunter.

 

I pointed to the female dark hunter.

“But I'll handle her!"

 

* * *After a furious battle, Lariska shouted to her squad,"The bomb is lost! We shall live to fight another day!"

 

Again, we are on uncertain ground here. It seems to me that when Nidhiki meets Lariska in Birth of a Dark Hunter, it is implied that he had never met her. In addition, in the same story, Nidhiki is clearly no match for her, while here it seems that, if he didn't defeat her, he at least achieved a stalemate. Again, you might want to change the Dark Hunter just to be on the safe side.

 

Language mistakes:

 

 

 

Nidhiki stood at the wall of the dark hunter fortress. Every now and then he thought about the times he was in Metru Nui and the many battles he fought in the Toa-Dark Hunter War. During times of war, it is normal for someone to write down the details for each battle, so future historians could have a record. When Nidhiki was bored, he would read the words he wrote all those years ago and ponder what he could have done to prevent himself from becoming a Dark Hunter and looking like the monster he is now.

 

 

I think "dark hunter" needs to begin with capital letters.

Not "was in Metru Nui" but "had been in Metru Nui" and not "the many battles he fought" but "the many battles he had fought." Since you're using the past tense, you need past perfect to talk about events taking place before the present.

Either turn "it is normal" into "it was normal" or turn "future historians could have" into "future historians can have". There needs to be tense consistency.  

She explained that she overheard a couple of Dark Hunters talking about a bomb. She also stated that they plan to use that bomb to destroy a third of the Toa population.

 

 

Turn "overheard" into "had overheard" and "plan" into "planned". I'm also not sure that the word "population" is adequate here. Most of the Toa who fought in the war were not in Metru Nui permanently, but had only come to reinforce the city.

 

 

"Even if we do something about this bomb, what would we do? Throw elemental bursts and hope they hit something? If we go in with just what we have, what would we do?" Lhikan replied.

 

 

"Even if we did", not "even if we do". You could also avoid repeating "do" and try to find a synonym.

 

 

I had to say, I was quite surprised I didn't think about that.

 

 

"I hadn't thought", not "I didn't think".

 

 

We then headed out to search for Toa who were willing to accompany us.

 

 

Turn "were" into "would be" or just eliminate the verb altogether.

 

There were two Toa willing to accompany us, one a Toa of Fire with a gold hue and a red Hau, the other a Toa of "the green" wearing a blue Faxon. The three Toa accompanying me seemed to know each other quite well. They were remembering their adventures before the war. They seemed to have a lot of good memories, but where I come from; you can never be completely safe, which was why I learned to use the shadows to my advantage, unlike these three.

 

 

I'd capitalize "green". I also think you shouldn't repeat "accompany" so much. The semicolon ( ;) doesn't seem to be appropriate there. And the link between having good memories and not being completely safe is also unclear within the sentence.

Ah, and you should turn "I learned" into "I had learned".

 

 

"We should split into two teams so we can cover more ground. You, Toa of plant life, you're with me. Let's go," I replied.

 

 

Capitalize "plant life". Do the same every time you describe the Toa's element, be it as "the Green", "Plants" or "Plant Life".

 

 

Eventually we found a Dark Hunter outpost, with the dark hunter named Primal standing guard. He didn't see us yet, so I created a vacuum around him, and due to a lack of air, he was unconscious.

 

 

Capitalize "dark hunter". Do the same everywhere. I'd also put "due to the lack of air" and "he fell unconscious". 

When we arrived at the site of the flare, we found our two Toa allies battling four Dark Hunters at one time.

 

 

"at the time", not "at one time".

 

He let out a growl of frustration and swung, with the blunt end smacking me right in the mask.

 

 

Say what weapon he had, otherwise the sentence isn't clear. 

I went to go help out the novice Toa of fire, who seemed to be having a hard time beating the one I recognized as Firedracax.

 

 

Capitalize "fire". Do it every time. 

"NOOOOOO!" the fire spitter shouted, hurling balls of flame at the retreating dark hunters, but it was already too late.

 

 

I think you should always write "fire-spitter" like this.

 

After that was dealt with, we put the bomb in storage, where it was decided it shall remain.

 

 

Turn "it shall remain" into "it would remain".

 

 

This Toa of plant life however, was not important.

 

 

Put a comma before "however".

 

 

 

DONE.

 Sorry I couldn't do it earlier, but I finally found the time to edit it.

 

BTW, that line with the good memories was my attempt at advertising a canon-fit series that I am making. Once people listen to the series, this will become clear.


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#14 Offline boston100

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Posted Apr 13 2013 - 04:07 PM

THis was amazing u captured nidikhis persanality PERFECTLY. keep it up! :D


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                                                                          wearewaiting.gif

As long as there is one bionicle fan out there there is still hope for bionicle to return. Keep faith. Bionicle is amazing. 


#15 Offline Sir Jalokim

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Posted Apr 13 2013 - 04:35 PM

THis was amazing u captured nidikhis persanality PERFECTLY. keep it up! :D

Thanks!

 

I would recommend that you read another story I wrote for the Lesovikk's Hiatus contest.

 

Here is a link: http://www.bzpower.c...owtopic=8505=


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#16 Offline Infrared

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Posted Jun 21 2013 - 03:54 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed. Good job! The way you've described Nidhiki's lack of pain at the end is very telling of what is to come. :) There are some problems though, albeit mostly grammatical and technical ones. It looks like a lot, but don't worry; most of them are minor and can be fixed very quickly. 

When Nidhiki was bored, he would read the words he wrote all those years ago and ponder what he could have done to prevent himself from becoming a Dark Hunter and looking like the monster he is now.

It should be "like the monster he was now," since it starts with "When Nidhiki was bored." 

Toa-Dark Hunter war, day 42

The actual term for the war is the "Toa/Dark Hunter War," and the day is the part of the title, so it should probably be "Toa/Dark Hunter War, Day 42." Italics would be good too ("Toa/Dark Hunter War, Day 42"), but I don't think they're really necessary. Or if you want to get creative, since the entry was from the middle of the war and the war might not have been named yet, it might be cool to have another name for it that combatants used (like "War for Metru Nui" or something). You don't have to do it, it's just something to consider. :) Also note that Toa-Dark Hunter War appears in the top paragraph too, so you should replace that with Toa/Dark Hunter War (since it's narration, you should call it that even if you choose another name for the actual journal entry). 

And then... All Lhikan said

Ellipses can be confusing. Here, I think you should make "All" lowercase. 

"Yes... Brother" I replied bitterly.

It should be ("Yes, brother," I replied bitterly). I changed the ellipsis because it's sort of odd there, and I added a comma at the end of Nidhiki's speech. Also, "Brother" is normally lowercase in other media, so I made it lowercase here as well. 

There were two Toa willing to accompany us, one a Toa of Fire with a gold hue and a red Hau, the other a Toa of "the Green" wearing a blue Faxon.

It should be (There were two Toa willing to accompany us: one a Toa of Fire with a gold hue and a red Hau and the other a Toa of the Green wearing a blue Faxon.) The colon is better there because it indicates a list, and I took the quotation marks away from "the Green." Note that "the Green" with quotation marks around it appears a lot, so you should replace all of those too. Also, I would just stick with "the Green" (with "the" in lowercase and "Green" capitzliaed) and not "Plants" or "Plantlife/Plant Life" because that's the term they normally use in the Matoran Universe. 

The team went in opposite directions, the Toa of Plants and I taking the left path.

"Team" should be "teams." 

Eventually we found a Dark Hunter outpost, with the Dark Hunter named Primal standing guard.

It would be good to provide some background on how Nidhiki knew Primal. Something like "the Dark Hunter named Primal, who I had once encountered previously, standing guard," would work. 

I and the Toa of the green went inside the outpost, only to find that there was nothing there.

It should be (The Toa of the Green and I went inside the outpost, only to find that there was nothing there.) 

When we arrived at the site of the flare, we found our two Toa allies battling four Dark Hunters at the time.

"At the time" should be removed because you already established when they were fighting at the beginning of the sentence. 

A green dark hunter of the Skakdi race seemed to notice us.

"Dark Hunter" should be capitalized. It appears in lowercase elsewhere too, so be sure to capitalize it in those other places also. 

The one called Reidak charged at me.

The one called Hakann pointed his lava launcher at the Toa of plants.

After a furious battle, Zaktan shouted to his squad

I went to go help out the novice Toa of Fire, who seemed to be having a hard time beating the one I recognized as Thok.

Zaktan calls Reidak and Hakann over, but he never indicates which one is which. It's possible that you could tell if you were actually there, but it'd make more sense to the reader if you changed their names to "the [color]-armored Skakdi" or something similar. Similarly, nobody calls Zaktan by name, so Nidhiki wouldn't know him as anyone other than "the green-armored Skakdi," "the leader," or something similar. Thok makes more sense since Nidhiki says he recognizes him, but like Primal you might want to explain how Nidhiki knows his name. 

He let out a growl of frustration and swung, with the blunt end of his Buzz saw smacking me right in the mask.

I swung at him, with my scythe hooking onto his Buzz saw. With all my might, I tore it free from his grip.

Reidak's Buzz Saw doesn't have a blunt end, since the other side is a drill. Also, since Nidhiki doesn't know the name of the weapon and the actual term for the type of weapon he's using is a buzz saw (without any capital letters), you should just change it to that. (The weapon does happen to be called the Buzz Saw, but since it is a buzz saw it's best to just call it that. :P

"OWW! That's it, no more playing easy!"

Just an "Ow!" instead of "OWW!" would suffice. :P 

As soon as the fire-spitter noticed I was coming he shouted that he could hold them off while the Toa of Lightning would destroy the bomb.

It should be (As soon as the Toa of Fire noticed I was coming, he shouted that he could hold them off while the Toa of Lightning would destroy the bomb.) I changed "fire-spitter" to "Toa of Fire" since fire-spitter is a Chutespeak term and Nidhiki didn't use Chutespeak. Fire-spitter is an exception to the rule in that non-Chutespeak users do use it at times, but I don't think Nidhiki would. Note that "fire-spitter" comes up in other places too, so you should remove those. I also added a comma to end the phrase "As soon as the Toa of Fire noticed I was coming." Finally, the Toa of Fire says that the Toa of Lightning will destroy the bomb, but in the end they don't; it might be good to revise his plan to reflect that. 

"Sure thing fire-spitter,I pointed to the dark hunter in charge.But I'll handle him!"

Should be ("Sure thing, I said while pointing to the Dark Hunter in charge. But I'll handle him!") (I fixed the things I mentioned above as well.) The spacing was odd so I combined it into one line, and I changed the wording of the narration to make what Nidhiki meant more clear. 

It struck him square in the chest, slowly burning away at his organs.

It's not entirely clear how much of Toa's insides are mechanical and how much are organic, so a term that's more general than "organs" might be better. You don't have to change it if you don't want to, though. 

"NOOOOOO!" the fire-spitter shouted, hurling balls of flame at the retreating dark hunters, but it was already too late.

As with "OOW!" above, a simple "No!" will suffice. :P 

I went to the Toa of fire and said,"Its not your fault. Things like this are going to happen during a war, kid. You need to learn to get used to it."

It should be (I went to the Toa of Fire and said, "Its not your fault. Things like this are going to happen during a war. You need to learn to get used to it.") I fixed the spacing and capitalized "Fire." I don't know if there are other times when Toa's elements aren't capitalized, so it might be good to take a look and fix any you find. Also, "kid" is an odd term in this context, so I just removed it and didn't replace it with anything. 

"If I could, I would have." I replied.

The quote should end with a comma, not a period. 

Bah, he probably would have said No, we cannot endanger the Matoran!. Anyway, why would Lhikan care so much about ONE life out of one hundred? Is he surprised that someone was killed in a war? It wouldnt make sense if he was. In my opinion, you should only care about a death in a war if you lost someone important. This Toa of Plant Life, however, was not important. He was just a soldier, we have dozens of Toa who could take his place!

"Bah" is odd in this context because it is written here and not spoken; "on the other hand" or something similar might be better. That sentence has an extra period at the end of it as well. Also, instead of capitalizing "ONE," it would be better to put it in italics. "If he was" should actually be "if he were" (it's a common mistake). Finally, in the last sentence, "He was just a soldier" is better with a semicolon at the end than a comma. Here's the modified paragraph (I also fixed the "Plant Life" point from above): (On the other hand, he probably would have said No, we cannot endanger the Matoran! Anyway, why would Lhikan care so much about one life out of one hundred? Is he surprised that someone was killed in a war? It wouldnt make sense if he were. In my opinion, you should only care about a death in a war if you lost someone important. This Toa of the Green, however, was not important. He was just a soldier; we have dozens of Toa who could take his place!) 

After I thought about this, Lhikan asked me to check in on the guards and inform them of the loss. After I did that, I went to our usual room where we would talk about strategies.

That last part of the sentence sounds weird to me; how about just "I went to the room where we strategized" instead?As I said above, it looks like a lot of corrections, but most of these are very easily fixed and shouldn't take too long at all. Good job and good luck in the contest! :)

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#17 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 21 2013 - 11:14 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Canon Errors: Can't find any, which is good.  

[color=#282828;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]Spelling/Grammar/Wording:[/color][/font]

"Yes... Brother" I replied bitterly.

 Missed comma between Brother and the quote mark.  

The three Toa with me seemed to know each other quite well. They were remembering their adventures before the war.

 These two sentences seem to be awkwardly placed. It might be better as "The three Toa with me seemed to know each other quite well, since they were remembering their adventures before the war."

 

Those should be quick, and it's not serious. :)


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#18 Offline bonesiii

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Posted May 22 2014 - 07:25 PM

No edits have been made to the latest two judge posts, but I see nothing major among the problems. I'm calling this approved enough to go to polls. However, the author is still invited to make edits to fix the things brought up above. If the entry wins we can worry about making any further edits with special approval then.


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