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Legends of Lhii - Memoirs of the Dead

Memoirs of the Dead

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#1 Offline .:Yio:.

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Posted Nov 26 2012 - 05:04 AM

LEGENDS OF LHII

 

Turaga Vakama was treading through what were the remains of Ta-Metru. After 1000 years, the Matoran had finally returned to Metru Nui and Matoran were now hard at work restoring the glorious city. Vakama has been visiting many places, remembering all that had gone before the Great Cataclysm. However today he felt that he needed to visit a very special place. At his side was Jaller, Captain of the Guard and one of the lead Matoran in charge of the rebuilding of Ta-Metru.

 

“Jaller, I appreciate your coming with me, for the place we are heading to has meaning to your inheritance," said Vakama.

 

Jaller nodded, already guessing where Vakama was taking him. “Does this have to do with Toa Lhikan?” asked the Matoran. Vakama nodded. Jaller had recently discovered his mask belonged to the legendary Toa Lhikan who had sacrificed his power so that six Matoran would become the Toa Metru.

 

As they came to the place Vakama, closed his eyes. The last time he had come here it was in anger, when the rage of the Hordika was taking control of him. Then he had only been interested in the discovery of the truth behind his becoming of a Toa and why Lhikan had chosen him. But for many of the centuries above on the island of Mata Nui, Vakama had wished he could have retrieved the tablets that contained the life and achievements of the former hero. Now that day had finally come. The door was bent and twisted open, a result of raging monster a thousand years ago. Jaller helped move some debris that had covered the structure and the two entered the small room that Lhikan had called home. On the floor lay a single tablet. Vakama knew what was written on that, it was of no interest to him now. He moved over to the single shelf in the room, covered in a thick layer of dust. Pulling out one of the tablets from the shelf, he wiped gently with his hand and looked over it.

 

“Now Jaller, you have been told the tales of Lhii the lava surfer. Today, I ask you to listen to the real legends of Lhii the hero,” he said and started reading the journals aloud.

 

As I carve these words, my thoughts are adrift. Peace has been on Metru Nui for the last 500 years since our war with the Dark Hunters. I hope that this will continue but I cannot know. Perhaps one day the Kanohi Dragon will return or the Dark Hunters come to take their revenge. Regardless, I want to leave behind my words to describe my life and my achievements. Whilst it hasn’t been an easy one my hope is that it will live on and inspire those who read to follow the three most important values; unity, duty and destiny.

 

My early life began many thousands of years ago. I was working as a simple craftsman on the eastern side of the Northern Continent. We were a small village, about 100 or so Matoran led by our Turaga of Ice. Although we lived near the coast, we were cut off by large mountains that surrounded our village that not even a Po-Matoran would venture up. Life was very simple and happy then. It was also incredibly boring.

 

It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy my work. But nothing ever happened to our village for centuries, no raids, no dangerous weather, not even a Rahi attack. To say that my village was peaceful would be an understatement. However there was one thing about our village that made life working there worthwhile and that was the sight of the ancient Hau mask resting in the Turaga’s hut. Most Matoran visited the Turaga just to see the treasure. It was said to have been crafted in the realm of Artahka itself which would explain its magnificence; it was flawless in design and was imbedded with thousands of crystal fragments which made it glow in the light. It was our protector, the thing that kept the peace for us throughout the centuries.

 

However, as it always is, the peace never lasted.

 

One day I was delivering some of my Kanohi I had crafted to my friend, the local trader. “Lhikan!” he greeted as I entered his hut, “Ah, I see you have brought me another lot of wonderful masks. It’s a shame I can’t have that lovely one on your head!”

 

I grinned and said, “Don’t worry these ones are of equal quality,” placing all the masks on his table.

 

“Six masks?” my friend asked, “Lhikan, you do know that I asked for four, right? I’m sorry, I don’t have enough protodermis for all this. Or could you just save it for the next order?”

 

I raised my hand and said, “Please, that would mean that I have spare time later. As it was I made the extra because I needed something to do”.

 

Now it was my friend’s turn to shake his head, “Lhikan, you really need to-“

 

But whatever he was going to say I never found out. A loud commotion suddenly could be heard, coming out from the village. My friend and I looked at each other and quickly ran outside to see what was going on. A large red being with four wickedly sharp claws and two Kanohi masks mounted on his shoulders was towering over our Turaga in the middle of the village square. Many villagers had come to see what was going on but were hiding behind their houses. This was the first newcomer in centuries and he looked a bit more than frightening.

 

“Give me the mask now and let’s be done with this Turaga. Give it to us now and let’s not make this ugly," the red being spat, his blades hovering above the Turaga menacingly. The Turaga shook his head. “Fine, let me make an example for you," responded the red being and he picked the Turaga by the throat. Just before the creature squeezed the life out of him, the Turaga activated his mask of mind control and the red being stopped.

 

“Go back to where you came from Dark Hunter,” ordered the Turaga. The being placed the Turaga slowly down and then with speed as fast as any Toa, he ran off into the mountains. The village was quiet for a long time, before I finally had the courage to ask the Turaga what that was all about.

 

“Do not worry yourself,” said the Turaga and he turned to face all the Matoran. “Our village is and always will be protected! Carry on with what you were doing."

 

I frowned at the Turaga’s apparent arrogance. This ‘Dark Hunter’ could have obviously obliterated the town if he wished to. And what if he came back? Or worse, return with more? The Turaga’s mask wouldn’t be able to protect us next time. “Turaga, with all due respect, don’t you think we need to evacuate?” I asked him.

 

The Turaga shook his head, “Lhikan,” he said, “you always were a fiery spirit. But our village is in peace. Let us leave it at that”.

 

“But what if we face more dangers? What if you are injured? We have been living so long like this, we wouldn’t know how to fight!” I argued.

 

“Peace”, said the Turaga and he stared at me for a good minute, before returning to his hut. I stood there wondering how such as a wise being could be so naïve.

 

Houses were burning. Matoran were screaming. The streets were littered with tools, masks and the occasional friend. The cause of this destruction? The red Dark Hunter, named Lurker, had returned for the treasured mask as I thought he would but this time with a friend, an armoured being with a serpent head called Kraata-Kal. The serpent one had arrived out of nowhere in the night, lashing out shadow and fire blasts everywhere. This was followed by Lurker, who attacked from the shadows at any hiding Matoran. I had been preparing myself for the last week in preparation for such as attack, but our village was clearly losing. Our Turaga had tried again to protect us again but he could not control both Dark Hunters and inevitably was killed.

 

I launched Kanoka disk after Kanoka disk at the beings, hoping it would do something. Alas it made them angrier but they couldn’t see me as I hid and darted around in the smoke. I saw my friend, the trader, wield some launcher in his hand. It looked like it hadn’t been used for eons. He activated it and a spinning wheel of energy leapt from it at the serpent headed creature. It missed and unfortunately it got the attention of the armoured being. He strode over to the Matoran and as casually as he pleased, he swung his sword straight through him.

 

“Nooooo!” I yelled. Anger filled me from mask to foot and I leapt over the rumble I was hiding behind. I kept loading my disk launcher and firing. Kraata-Kal blocked all the attacks with ease and walked over towards me until he was right in front of me. I hit him as hard as I could but to no avail. His armour was strong but pitted, black and rusty. He was so close I could feel his very evilness radiating off him. He brought his sword close to my neck and breathed on me.

 

“Goodbye Matoran”, he hissed, raising his sword to strike. This was it, I thought. This was the end. My village was in ruin because I didn’t have enough strength to protect those around me. And not only that, I couldn’t protect myself. I closed my eyes and waited to see if I’d open them again.

 

“Aaaaaaagh!!!” Kraata-Kal screeched in pain and fell next to me. He had smoke drifting off his burnt back. I looked up to see what could do such a thing and standing before me was a Toa. Clad in black and red armour that had the marks off a thousand fights and wielding a large sword, he ran over to me and looked at me through his Kanohi Kiril; “Who…who are you?” I asked, shaking from fear.

 

“My name is Dume. And may I say that was a very brave thing to do. What is your name? Lhikan? Well Lhikan, that was also foolish. Very foolish but brave”, Dume said. Kraata-Kal began to stir. “Now go! Follow my fellow Toa” he ordered and he readied himself as Kraata-Kal rose again, very angry.

 

I ran as fast as I could but I couldn’t help but look back.

 

“You are going to pay for that, Toa”, I heard the Dark Hunter say. But he did not attack. I could see that Lurker was about to spring from the shadows behind Toa Dume. Kraata-Kal was distracting Dume!

 

“Behind you!” I yelled. Dume quickly swirled around and hit Lurker in the head just as the he was pouncing to attack, knocking the Dark Hunter unconscious.

 

“I said go!” ordered Dume. Kraata-Kal then swung his sword towards Dume and the Toa of Fire parried, the two were now locked in combat.

 

Suddenly a hand grabbed my shoulder. It belonged to a Toa of Water wearing a Kanohi Kakama. “This way. I’ll lead you to safety”, she said and picking me up over her shoulder, she ran with me up to a small hidden cave that I had never noticed before in the side of one of the mountains.

 

When I looked into the cave it was practically a straight downward fall which would be impossible to climb down if it wasn’t for the rope ladder.

 

“Follow the cave tunnel at the bottom of the ladder it leads out to the sea where there is a boat with the rest of your brothers and sisters. Once there you will meet my brother Toa. He will take you south. And don’t worry you’re the last Matoran”, instructed the Toa of Water.

 

She then used her mask to run back down to the village to help Dume. I looked back down into the cave and gulped. It was a long way down and I suddenly developed a fear of heights that I had never known before. Knowing that going back was definitely worse than forward, I proceeded cautiously and slowly. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot I thought to myself in a steady rhythm.

 

But one of the rope steps had worn from all the other Matoran walking down and eventually snapped. I started falling the floor of the cave screaming along the way.

 

Really wish I could fly now! I thought to myself, closing my eyes tightly, preparing myself for my next apparent death whilst still screaming. The next thing I knew, a Toa of Air wearing a Mask of Flight shot out from below and caught me in his arms.

 

“Why hello there Ta-Matoran!” he greeted as though catching Ta-Matoran from certain death was something he did every day. “Next time, leave the high-flying for people like me. Now, I’ll quick-take you to your friends”.

 

Still shaking in his arms from the experience, we flew through the tunnel right to the mouth. We stepped on the boat with about 60 other scared Matoran.

 

The Toa of Air stood at the wheel of the boat and looked up at the sky. He raised his spear into the air to create a mini cyclone. It must have been a signal, for it was responded by a tall pillar of fire that came roughly from where the village and was probably the work of Dume. “Alrighty then Matoran! Never fear, next stop, south!” grinned the green Toa and he started the boat.

 

“Excuse me, but how did you come in time to rescue us?” asked one of the Matoran on-board.

 

“We had been sneak-following the Hunters”, recounted the Toa of Air, “caught them quick-scaring a bunch of villagers for a boat on a close-by island. Tail-followed them, fought them and lost them at sea. Didn’t know what they were up to until we found their boat again docked near that cave”. He then proceeded to tell an extravagant tale about their fight with the Dark Hunters at scene.

 

I wasn’t listening, to busy looking out over the boat, deep in thought. In just one night, the life of my village had changed. We had practically been cut off from the rest of the world, living in complete peace and isolation thinking that it would last forever. There would be no more peace now. We needed someone to protect us. And what if Toa weren’t around like this time? As I pondered about a solution I realised that I should make it my duty to defend other Matoran that couldn’t defend themselves the best I can.

 

Thousands of years went past and whilst I still did my crafting job, I always trained myself to be a better fighter. I practiced in swordplay and disks and was a lead figure in the fight against Rahi attacks in various villages. Kikanalo, Kane-Ra, Nui-Jaga, all of them I had stopped. What I didn’t know was that my fame for being such a lead figure had spread all the way to Metru Nui, for one day a messenger arrived at my hut with a request from a Turaga Dume to help the city of Metru Nui. “Turaga Dume?” I cried surprised.

 

“Yes, the very one that saved you that night your village fell. Before he was a Turaga, that is”, said the messenger. “He asks you to help our glorious city. Our main trade route at sea has become dangerous and we’ve lost a few of ships. We think that some sea Rahi have been preying on them. We ask that you accompany a trading boat that is going to Metru Nui. If you are successful, the Turaga has asked you to see him.”

 

“But why not ask a Toa or two?” I inquired, “Surely they would be more suitable?”

 

“I’m not sure why, but the Turaga specifically asked me to seek you. Now, you can decline this invitation if you wish but something about this whole business says to me that the Turaga has seen something in you before. Consider this a test”, answered the messenger. I thought about that for a moment. A test? For what purpose? It was a mystery I wanted to solve.

 

“Alright, I’ll do it”, I replied.

 

The next day I prepared my belongings, packing as many special Kanoka disks as possible. I managed to get a trip on a local trading boat whose journey was to Metru Nui.

 

“Greetings, Matoran! My name is Defilak”, said the Le-Matoran in charge of the boat. We clanked our fists and he continued “My ship’s heading straight to one of the docks at Le-Metru. We’re planning on selling a lot of stone carvings from my home land. They’re really precious to me at the moment, we need to sell them for resources back home. So make sure you take care of those sea beasts!”

 

“Don’t worry you worry, leave everything up to me”, I said, rather arrogantly.

 

Two days later the storm could be seen on the horizon. The clouds were as dark as the armour of Kraata-Kal and I could see large bolts of lightning.

 

I looked over the deck and whistled. It looked dangerous, as though it would shatter our boat the minute we were in the middle of it. “May the Great Beings be with us,” I said.

 

A nearby Po-Matoran in the corner carving a small statue started muttering to himself. “The sun does not pray and if it did, would it pray to other suns?”

 

I looked at him, very confused “Are you talking to me?” He smiled at me through his Kanohi Komau and went back to his work.

 

Defilak was behind me and saw my confusion “Don’t worry about Velika, most of the time we don’t know what he is saying either. He has a unique perspective on life. Anyways, back to this storm. I’ve never seen one like this before. We might have to tie down our cargo, including ourselves.”

 

Velika stopped what he was carving and was now looking at the storm too. He frowned and said “If the fire is a furnace then who makes a furnace?” I looked at him oddly, as if he had grown two heads.

 

“Wait, I actually think I get this one” said Defilak happily. After the moment of satisfaction he said “Velika is trying to say that someone must have conjured the storm because it’s not natural” Then he paused. “Who can conjure up a storm?” I had no answer so I looked back. That was when I noticed some things were flying in the storm. I suddenly remembered a story I had heard from a traveller.

 

“Are they Rahkshi of weather-control?” I asked.

 

Defilak squinted and said “Yes… they might be”. He swore and then ordered the crew to take up arms. He turned to me and said “Most of us aren’t trained fighters. We really could appreciate some help”.

 

I pulled out my disk launcher and looked at my new friend; “Don’t worry, you have no need to ask. The Rahkshi are probably what’s causing these ships to sink as well”.

 

The battle that happened next I could only describe as savage. The winds and water threatened to tear us apart and all the while there were two Rahkshi of weather-control locked in combat. They had been too busy fighting each other to notice us directly but once we were right under them, they landed on our boat. One of them landed right behind me and I turned around to face the monster. Its sight was hideous and I suddenly swelled with fear. What am I doing here? We needed a Toa!

 

But then I remembered we didn’t, there was only me and only me here to protect the crew. The Rahkshi swung its staff at me and I ducked underneath. It hissed and a lightning bolt nearly hit me. I raised my shield and then fired one of my Kanoka disks. The effect was immediate. The disc’s power was shrinking and the next moment, the Rahkshi was 1 foot tall.

 

I laughed and went to kick it over board. Next thing I knew, it crawled up my leg and starting scratching me, which actually hurt. “Aaaagh, get if off!” I yelled. I waved by arms but it kept hitting me.

 

Velika came up to me and hit the Rahkshi off my face. It fell on the deck and the Po-Matoran quickly flipped its back open to expose it’s Kraata. He then hit the Rahkshi out into the sea with his carving tools, knocking the miniature Kraata out of its Rahkshi shell.

 

“Even an injured Doom Viper is a dangerous enemy” Velika said and this time even I got that one.

 

“Don’t underestimate your opponents, no matter how big or small they may seem” I nodded. “Well, one down, one more to go. I probably could use a hand this time too”. Velika smiled and nodded and we turned to face our next enemy.

 

This one was being taken care of the other crew but they weren’t doing well at all. Four Matoran were unconscious including Defilak and three Matoran held spears at the armoured creature. A few more were hiding behind some cargo. Water was washing all over the deck, the whole boat being threatened by the storm created by the last Rahkshi.

 

“Velika, now” I ordered. Velika aimed my disk launcher at me and fired one of my precious disks. The disk’s enlarging power activated and I was now taller than the Rahkshi itself. Seeing a bigger enemy, it hissed and went for me. My new size meant I was just as strong and I battled it out with the Rahkshi. I still wasn’t strong enough to take it down but that wasn’t part of the plan. Velika quickly explained the plan to the rest of the Matoran and they started by moving our unconscious friends to safety. Once that was done they grabbed a rope and pulled it has hard as they could, forming a trip rope. They signalled me when it was done and I slowly pressed forward. Time was crucial because I could feel I was shrinking already. Just as the Rahkshi was about to fall over the rope, it turned as saw what was happening. Reacting as fast as I could, I pushed the Rahkshi, knocking over the rope and it fell over. The Matoran quickly then tied it down and freed its Kraata. The storm immediately disappeared and all of us cheered.

 

“That was excellent work Velika!” I complimented to the Po-Matoran “I hope one day you’ll be rewarded, I really do”. Velika patted me on the back and we joined in celebration.

 

Once I arrived at Metru Nui I said my farewells to Defilak, Velika and the crew. My next destination was to the great Coliseum to meet Turaga Dume as he asked me to. As I walked down the corridors of the magnificent building I could see him smiling right at the end.

 

“Lhikan, Lhikan, Lhikan” he started to say “when I saved you as a Matoran, I knew that there you had a bigger purpose. As you may have guessed, once I heard of your reputation, I wanted to test you and see if you had the ability to face those that threaten use even if they may seem more powerful. You realised your duty and through unity you were able to overcome the challenge. And today I would like to present you with this token of your destiny”. The Turaga then pull out a small object from his robes. In his hand was a glowing stone which could mean only one thing.

 

“A Toa stone!” I exclaimed.Dume nodded and continued “I chose a number of Matoran to become a Toa when I changed into a Turaga. But I kept one because I felt that there was someone out there that deserved it but the time was not ready. Today I believe the day is ready. Come, follow me to the Great Temple.”

 

We travelled to the Great Temple but not alone. Swarms of Matoran stopped working and began following us to see what was happening. Dume asked them to go back to work but he couldn’t get all of them to. I didn’t mind in the slightest. I wanted to show the Matoran a new hope.

 

As we approached the suva thoughts raced through my head. Was I worthy of this title? Would I have to stay in Metru Nui now? Who would train me in my skills? There’s no way knowing until I find out I thought to myself and I placed the stone into the only free slot.

 

A beam of energy shot from the Suva and I could feel my armor twisting and expanding, becoming stronger. I opened my eyes and looked down. I was now a Toa of Fire! The Matoran gasped in awe, approaching me to touch my armour. I laughed and let them do so.It was Dume’s turn to finally approach me.

 

“Now that you have these abilities what will you do with them, Toa Lhikan?”

 

I shook my head “I don’t know Turaga. I don’t know yet how to use my abilities. What would you have me do?”

 

Dume thought for a moment and said “A team of Toa have been defending their fortress to the far south of Metru Nui for centuries. I recommend you go there and learn the ways with your fellow brothers and sisters”.

 

I nodded at this. “If you ever need me, send a messenger. I will get here as fast as I can fly”

 

“Fly?” asked Dume.

 

I raised my two new blades and put them together to form a hover board. “Yes, Turaga, fly,” I grinned “Once I almost died because I couldn’t. Today, however, I soar” and I flew out of the Great Temple, soaring so high that I could see all of Metru Nui laid out below me, ready for my next adventure.


Edited by .:Yio:., Jun 11 2014 - 02:29 AM.
Format reconstructed after a BZP glitch. -bones

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#2 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Dec 03 2012 - 10:50 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

A few minor grammar issues:

 

 

 

 

 

“Jaller, I appreciate your coming with me, for the place we are heading to has meaning to your inheritance’, said Vakama.

 

 

 

I'm not quite sure about this, but I think that it should be "for" instead of "to".

 

 

 

 

 

 “Does this have to do with Toa Lhikan?” asked the Matoran and Vakama nodded.

 

 

 

This works betters as two sentences (...asked the Matoran. Vakama nodded).

 

 

 

 

 

As they came to the place Vakama closed his eyes.

 

 

 

Comma after "place".

 

 

 

 

truth behind his coming of a Toa

 

 

"Becoming a Toa" would be more correct here.

 

 

 

 

I grinned and said “Don’t worry these ones are equal quality”, placing all the masks on his table.

 

 

Comma after "worry", and I think it should be "are of equal quality". You may also want to start a new paragraph with this sentence.

 

 

 

 

 “Lhikan you do know that I asked for four,

 

 

Comma after "Lhikan".

 

 

 

 

 

 

and looked at me through his Kanohi Kiril,

 

 

 

Should be a period there, not a comma.

 

 

 

 

Well Lhikan that was also foolish

 

 

 

Comma after "Lhikan" (again :P).

 

 

 

 

And don’t worry you’re the last Matoran”,

 

 

Comma after "worry".

 

 

 

 

Kikanalo, Kane-Ra, Nui-Jaga all of them I had stopped

 

 

Colon after "Nui-Jaga".

 

 

 

 

Before he was a Turaga that is

 

 

Comma after "Turaga".

 

 

 

 

 “My ships heading

 

 

I think it should be "ship's". This is a tricky grammar rule though.

 

 

“Don’t worry you worry

 

Double word there. 

 

 

 

Two days later the storm could be seen in the horizon

 

Should be "on".

 

 

 

, as though it would shatter out boat the minute we were in the middle of it.

 

"Out" is unnecessary here. 

 

 

 

“May the Great Beings be with us” I said.

 

Comma after "us".

 

 

 

 time we don’t know what he says either

 

Should be "he's saying" or "he is saying".

 

 

 

I looked oddly like he had gown two heads.

 

Should be something along the lines of "I looked at him oddly, as if he had grown two heads.

 

 

 

 

“Wait I actually think I get this one”

 

Comma after "Wait".

 

 

 

“Yes… it might be”

 

"They" would fit better here than "it".

 

 

 

I pulled out my disk launcher and looked at my new friend

 

Should have a period there. 

 

 

 

, it crawled up my leg and starting scratching me which actually hurt.

 

Comma after "which".

 

 

 

Today however I soar” and I flew out of the Great Temple high above that I could see all of Metru Nui ready for my next adventure.

 

Comma after "today" and "however". Also, the last sentence needs to be reworked. I suggested "...and I few out of the Great Temple, soaring so high that I could see all of Metru Nui laid out below me, ready for my next adventure." or some thing like that.

 

Good story, and I hope you do well in the poles!

 

-TLhikan


Edited by TLhikan, Dec 03 2012 - 10:55 AM.

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#3 Offline wolf66849

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Posted Dec 07 2012 - 09:23 PM

I think this goes in the epics section so it really needs to be locked.


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Toa Wolf

 

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#4 Offline TheSkeletonMan939

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Posted Dec 07 2012 - 10:12 PM

I think this goes in the epics section so it really needs to be locked.

 

Nope. This story is for a contest, and we were told to post our entries here.


Edited by TheSkeletonMan939, Dec 07 2012 - 10:12 PM.

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#5 Offline fishers64

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Posted Nov 14 2013 - 11:26 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Canon errors: 1)

“Now Jaller, you have been told the tales of Lhii the lava surfer. Today, I ask you to listen to the real legends of Lhii the hero”, he said and started reading the journals aloud.

 Not sure Vakama would say this; Jaller already knows about Lhikan.  However, the exposition of Vakama finding Lhikan's journals is a nice segway. But I'm not sure that the tablets would be on the floor, unless Vakama moved them after he got back. An explanation would be nice.  

Vakama raised a fist and smashed the cabinet into shards. A single tablet fell to the ground.

 It's not too much of a stretch to assume Lhikan had other journals around, but they weren't moved by Vakama Hordika, to be clear.  2)

My early life began around 13, 500 years ago.

 This is an error, as the BS01 timeline states:  

17,000 Years Ago ██ Toa Dume saves the life of the Ta-Matoran Crafter Lhikan.

 So Lhikan would have been around for longer than 13,500 years.  Spelling/Grammar:  1)

 

One day I was delivering some of my Kanohi I had crafted to my friend, the local trader. “Lhikan!” he greeted as I entered his hut, “Ah, I see you have brought me another lot of wonderful masks. It’s a shame I can’t have that lovely one on your head!” I grinned and said “Don’t worry these ones are equal quality”, placing all the masks on his table.“Six masks?” my friend asked, “Lhikan you do know that I asked for four, right? I’m sorry, I don’t have enough protodermis for all this. Or could you just save it for the next order?”I raised my hand and said “Please, that would mean that I have spare time later. As it was I made the extra because I needed something to do”. Now it was my friend’s turn to shake his head, “Lhikan, you really need to-“

 This needs some paragraph breaks between different people talking. Like this: 

One day I was delivering some of my Kanohi I had crafted to my friend, the local trader. “Lhikan!” he greeted as I entered his hut, “Ah, I see you have brought me another lot of wonderful masks. It’s a shame I can’t have that lovely one on your head!”  I grinned and said “Don’t worry these ones are equal quality,” placing all the masks on his table. “Six masks?” my friend asked, “Lhikan you do know that I asked for four, right? I’m sorry, I don’t have enough protodermis for all this. Or could you just save it for the next order?” I raised my hand and said “Please, that would mean that I have spare time later. As it was I made the extra because I needed something to do”.  Now it was my friend’s turn to shake his head, “Lhikan, you really need to-“

 2)

I looked oddly like he had gown two heads.

 Would be better as "I looked at him oddly like he had grown two heads." 3)

“Now that you have these abilities what will you do them, Toa Lhikan?”

 

“Now that you have these abilities what will you do with them, Toa Lhikan?”

 4)

“Yes Turaga, fly,” I grinned “Once I almost died because I couldn’t. Today however I soar”

 

“Yes, Turaga, fly,” I grinned. “Once I almost died because I couldn’t. Today however I soar.”

 All errors are fixable.  :) But they need fixed.


Edited by fishers64, Nov 14 2013 - 11:28 AM.

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#6 Offline bonesiii

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Posted May 26 2014 - 03:16 PM

It appears that nothing has been fixed in this entry, but I only see one major canonicity issue; the timeline error listed as point #2 in fishers' above post (the #1 seems fine to me, if I read it right). It would be nice for the timing issue to be fixed for polls. Is Yio still active?

If not, though, I suppose this is an edit we could worry about if the entry wins (possibly require me to edit it??) as that's such a tiny tidbit of the story, easily fixed... I think... (Correct if wrong. :P)

I guess for the moment I'm not going to call this one good for polls; I'd like to find out if Yio is still around. But I probably will call it okay by the time polls launch if nothing happens by then.

Edit: I have sent a PM to find out if the member is still active.

Edited by bonesiii, May 26 2014 - 03:22 PM.

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#7 Offline TheSkeletonMan939

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Posted May 26 2014 - 04:11 PM

From his profile:

 

Last Active Mar 07 2014 08:59 AM

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#8 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted May 26 2014 - 07:24 PM

Did you ever explain how Lhikan got the Golden Hau of his village?
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#9 Offline .:Yio:.

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Posted Jun 11 2014 - 02:34 AM

Hey I'm still here!! I've made all the changes that everyone suggested above. I'm not going to comment on the small grammar things like commas, you can see what the errors were above. However two bigger things I changed were instead of:

 

Sprawled on the floor were tablets, each containing the life of Toa Lhikan. Vakama picked one up and looked over it.

 

I change it to:

 

On the floor lay a single tablet. Vakama knew what was written on that, it was of no interest to him now. He moved over to the single shelf in the room, covered in a thick layer of dust. Pulling out one of the tablets from the shelf, he wiped gently with his hand and looked over it.

 

This fixes some confusion of the tablets that was raised. Secondly I changed the 13,500 year issue to:

 

My early life began many thousands of years ago. 

 

Doesn't sound as nice but its easier to solve than working out how long it may have been.

 

 

Now...

Did you ever explain how Lhikan got the Golden Hau of his village?

The Hau that was in his village isn't Lhikan's Hau. It's just a precious jewelled artifact, I chose it because it's the most recognisable mask in the BIONICLE universe.


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ViSa1Uz.jpg

 

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#10 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Jun 11 2014 - 10:36 AM

Thanks, Yio. I'm going to call this good for polls, then. :)


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