Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

Brothers (Memoirs of the Dead)

Memoirs of the Dead Stories Jovan Lesovikk

  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 Offline DeltaStriker

DeltaStriker
  • Members
  • Turaga

  • 91 posts
  •  

Posted Nov 26 2012 - 09:12 PM

This is my entry in the Memoirs of the Dead contest. 

 

Brothers

 

The green Toa darts right, swinging his blade towards me. I easily block then flip his blade out of his grasp. He quickly recovers, and blasts me with a torrent of wind. I dodge out of the way and fire my Zamor Launcher, knocking my adversary down. He quickly jumps back to his feet.

 

I’m not sure who this Toa is, but I know one thing: he is good. Almost too good.

 

He calls upon his elemental power to bring his sword to him. I fire my launcher again, forcing him to dodge and breaking his concentration. The blade drops to the ground. As I charge the Toa, I call upon my elemental power to bring his blade to me. It flies from the ground and into my hand.

 

He responds quickly, blasting me with a wall of Air that knocks me off my feet. As he approaches, I ready myself. He is almost on top of me when I launch myself at him, smashing into his chest feet-first.

 

When the dust clears, I am standing atop my adversary with the two blades crossed across his neck, ready to behead him at a moment’s notice.

 

“What is your name?” I ask.

 

“Lesovikk, Toa of Air,” he replies.

 

“Well, Lesovikk,” I say. “You certainly have promise. I would be willing to help you hone your skills, if you like.”

 

The Toa of Air stares at me. “Now why would I need your help? I’m a veteran Toa, you’re just a rookie.”

 

I laugh. “You think a rookie would know how to pin you like this?”

 

“I guess not,” he replies. “But I still don’t think I can learn anything from you.”

 

“Have it your way,” I say, though I do not release him.

 

He gives me a questioning look. “Well?” he asks. “Aren’t you going to release me?”

 

“And let you attack me from behind? Do you take me for a fool?”

 

Lesovikk appears thoughtful. “If I promise to let you ‘hone my skills’, will you let me go?”

 

I nod and step off him. Lesovikk climbs to his feet and stretches. Then he turns to me.

 

“Where are we going to go?” he asks.

 

“To a place I know,” I reply.

 

We walk for about ten minutes, with Lesovikk following me.

 

“Hey,” he calls. I turn towards him. “You never told me your name.”

 

“Jovan,” I respond. “Toa Jovan.”

 

 

***

 

We soon reach the cave that I have in mind, and we enter. Lesovikk is holding his blade rather tightly, as I had returned it to him before we arrived. I find his behavior curious, though I think it best not to ask.

 

As we near the center of the cave, the light increases. We then enter the central chamber.

 

Lesovikk’s eyes widen in awe, for the chamber is a sight to behold. Sunlight shines through the holes in the roof at odd angles and reflects off the crystals lodged in the walls. The floor is smooth, as are the walls and roof, and a stream crosses the chamber in its center.

 

We walk to the center of the chamber. I turn to Lesovikk.

 

“Will this do for a training area?” I ask.

 

Lesovikk nods, still dumbstruck by the beauty of the chamber.

 

“Then we shall begin.”

 

I lunge at Lesovikk, who barely manages to bring his blade up to block. I feint right and swing at his head. Suddenly I am thrown backwards by a blast of air, and my blade the slides to the side, out of my reach.

 

Lesovikk raises his blade and prepares to impale me. I activate my Kanohi Kadin and fly between his legs, knocking the Toa of Air off balance. I use my powers to call my blade to me then charge Lesovikk.

 

My opponent calls up a windstorm, which follows me around the chamber. I am able to stay ahead of it, though it keeps me from reaching Lesovikk. I need to formulate another strategy.

 

Then it comes to me. I use my power to yank Lesovikk’s sword out of his hand. He loses his concentration and the storm disappears. I now angle my body so that I am aiming directly at the Toa of Air.

 

I find myself on the ground, pinned by Lesovikk. The Toa has somehow jumped onto my back and forced me to the ground.

 

“Nice one,” I comment.

 

“It’s what I do,” Lesovikk replies. “Get used to it.”

 

Over the next few weeks we continue to train, growing stronger every day. Our friendship also grows, and our trust in one another is strengthened.

 

We spend our nights sitting in the central chamber, or trekking through the nearby forest. It is during one of out walks that Lesovikk tells me of his team.

 

He tells me about the many adventures they had, fighting off rahi, protecting villages. He told about their personalities and traits.Tonight was the first night I had ever seen Lesovikk smile, and he looks so much better when he does.

 

He moves on to the encounter with the Zyglak. He shudders as he remembers his fatal mistake, his hesitation, and sorrow engulfs him.

 

I am deeply moved by my comrade’s story. It expands my view of the world. I help him back to the chamber and we rest.

 

***

 

Today we practice melee combat. Lesovikk seems to have recovered, but I cannot be sure. Better to play it safe.

 

As we practice, a messenger Gukko arrives. It is from the nearby village that we have often visited. I read the note aloud and gasp. It says the village was under attack.

 

We grab our gear and charge through the forest. Smoke is rising in the distance. We arrive to find the village burning. Zyglak prowl the streets.

 

Lesovikk stands still, seemingly scared out of his wits. I realize why and panic. We will both need to work together to defend the village.

 

“Lesovikk!” I whisper. “Pull yourself together! These Matoran need you.”

 

Something lights up in Lesovikk’s eyes. He pulls out his blade and prepares to charge. I join him. Together we charge into the village.

 

The Zyglak appear surprised, as they probably were not expecting Toa to arrive. We slice through the first wave and proceed forward.

 

The others notice us and attack. We fend them off easily, but they keep coming. I see a gap in the sea of enemies, and charge it. I burst into a small clearing, with a lone Zyglak standing in the middle.

 

The Zyglak is tall, ugly, and completely black. He is despicable, in my opinion. I ready myself to fight.

 

The sound of battle disappears, and I know Lesovikk has entered the clearing. I am just about to address my comrade when he gasps.

 

“You,” Lesovikk snarls.

 

The black Zyglak chuckles. “So you remember me,” he says. “I was hoping you’d come. I tried to warn my minions that you would be coming, but the idiotic fools forgot.”

 

Lesovikk stares at the black Zyglak, whom I have decided to call ‘Black’. The Zylgak returns his stare, and the two become locked in a face off.

 

Lesovikk charges Black, who easily blocks his strike. The two are now locked in a fierce struggle, and either side could win.

 

“I will not let you harm these Matoran,” Lesovikk snarls. “They will not be butchered like my team.”

 

Black makes no response; instead he swings his blade at Lesovikk’s head, though the Toa dodges. I am so fixated on the fight I do not notice the Zyglak sneaking up behind me. Just before he impales me on his blade, I spin around and strike him with the flat of my blade, and he crumples to the ground.

 

This causes the horde to scream in outrage, and they rush at me. I know that I must keep them from Lesovikk, as he is not skilled enough to take them all on at once. I defeat Zyglak after Zyglak, but there seems to be no end to their ranks.

 

I continue to defend my comrade, but I know I cannot keep this up forever. Just as I am about to collapse from exhaustion, the Zyglak stop fighting, staring behind me in amazement.

 

I turn to see Lesovikk yank his sword out of Black’s chest, and the latter collapses, now just a lifeless corpse.

 

“That’s for my team,” he growls.

 

I turn to find the Zyglak horde retreating, helpless and aimless without their leader. As soon as they leave the village, the Matoran run out of their huts to thank us for our actions. We allow them to thank us, and then we return to the chamber.

 

***

 

It is now one day after our battle with the Zyglak, and Lesovikk appears troubled.

 

“What is the matter brother?” I ask.

 

“I must go on,” the green Toa replies. “I have other friends I must find.”

 

I nod and reach into my pack. I pull out a Cordak Blaster and hand it to Lesovikk. “This is for you,” I say. “You have earned it.”

 

Lesovikk graciously accepts the gift, then turns to go. He pauses for a moment and turns back to me. He nods his head in my direction, and I return the gesture. Then Lesovikk turns, and disappears over the horizon.

 

***

 

 I, Lesovikk, happened upon this journal of Jovan’s on my way to Mahri Nui and felt obligated to add something. I have always looked fondly back on those weeks we spent together, and have even placed the Cordak Blaster he gave me on my sea sled. It serves as a reminder of my dead brother, who helped shape me into the Toa I am today.

 

 

Author: DeltaStrike

rProtagonist: Jovan

Word Count: 1,601

Note: This first edit added the second ***. I made no changes to the story itself.

Note 2:This next edit added the final paragraph (With permission)


Edited by bonesiii, May 18 2014 - 03:57 PM.
Format reconstructed after a BZP glitch. -bones

  • 0
Matoro

 

"Keep in mind that if Star Trek fans had, as a group, said, No point in talking about this anymore, it's never going to come back, it never WOULD have come back."
-- Greg Farshtey

Learn this phrase. Love it. Hold it dear. Bring it back. If you know what this means, and/or agree with me, copy this into your sig.


#2 Offline Toa of Italy

Toa of Italy
  • Members
  • Lightning Voyager

  • 325 posts
  •  

Posted Nov 29 2012 - 02:17 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

These all seem to be very minor mistakes.

 

I find his behavior curious, though I thought it best not to ask.

 

Perhaps you should substitute "thought" with "think", since you use the present tense elsewhere.

 

Lesovikk’s eyes widened in awe, for the chamber is a sight to behold.

 

Same mistake. Turn "widened" into "widen".

 

The Toa had somehow jumped onto my back and forced me to the ground.

 

Since you are describing an event that has happened before another one related in the present tense, you should substitute "had" with "has" (past perfect into present perfect).

 

He told me about the many adventures they had, fighting off rahi, protecting villages. He told about their personalities and traits.

 

Tonight was the first night I had ever see Lesovikk smile, and he looks so much better when he does.

 

Again, there doesn't seem to be any need to suddenly change into the past tense. Maintain the present ("told" into "tell"). Also "seen" and not "see".

 

I help him back to the chamber and he rest.

 

"rests" not "rest". Though I think it would sound better if you substituted "and he rest" with "to let him rest" or "in order to rest".

 

Today we practice melee combat. Lesovikk seems to have recovered, but I can not be sure.

 

"Cannot" not "can not".

 

As we practice, a messenger Gukko arrives. It is from the nearby village that we often visited. I read the note aloud and gasped. It says the village was under attack.

 

Again, verb tense mistake. Substitute "we often visited" with "we have often visited" and "gasped" with "gasp".

 

The Zyglak appear surprised, as the probably were not expecting Toa to arrive. We slice through the first wave and proceed forward.

 

I think you meant to say "they probably were not expecting Toa to arrive".

 

This causes the horde to scream in outrage, and they rush me.

 

It's not strictly a mistake, but it'd be better "they rush at me".

 

That's all. The story somewhat lacks a context (no reason is given as to why Lesovikk and Jovan are fighting at the beginning and other things as well) but I think that's part of your style.

 

I also wondered about why Jovan killed so easily, but I guess it's possible that in those times the Toa Code wasn't yet fully established.

 

EDIT: Unfortunately, I can't seem to make quotes work properly in this post. I'm sorry if it's not clear.


Edited by Toa of Italy, Nov 29 2012 - 02:21 PM.

  • 0

#3 Offline DeltaStriker

DeltaStriker
  • Members
  • Turaga

  • 91 posts
  •  

Posted Nov 29 2012 - 02:26 PM

Well, my original entry was The Life and Travels of Toa Jovan, but it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. The intro came from that. Pretty much Jovan had been traveling when he was attacked by Lesovikk, who didn't realize Jovan was a Toa.

 

As for the killing, Jovan didn't have that much training in the Toa code since he didn't have a team until later. Plus I think it would be hard to defend oneself against a horde of Zyglak without killing.

 

I'll fix up the issues. I'm not used to writing first person present, so it was bound to happen.


  • 0
Matoro

 

"Keep in mind that if Star Trek fans had, as a group, said, No point in talking about this anymore, it's never going to come back, it never WOULD have come back."
-- Greg Farshtey

Learn this phrase. Love it. Hold it dear. Bring it back. If you know what this means, and/or agree with me, copy this into your sig.


#4 Offline Pikiru

Pikiru
  • Members
  • Turaga

  • 62 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 21 2012 - 08:38 PM

Great story :) I did thing that it was a bit confusing at the beginning, but the rest of the story was good. Also it is never mentioned that there is a black Ziglak, but its Fanon so there could be.


  • 0

#5 Offline DeltaStriker

DeltaStriker
  • Members
  • Turaga

  • 91 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 21 2012 - 10:17 PM

Great story :) I did thing that it was a bit confusing at the beginning, but the rest of the story was good. Also it is never mentioned that there is a black Ziglak, but its Fanon so there could be.

There was (I did check on this) no real description of the battle that killed Lesovikk's team that I could find.

  • 0
Matoro

 

"Keep in mind that if Star Trek fans had, as a group, said, No point in talking about this anymore, it's never going to come back, it never WOULD have come back."
-- Greg Farshtey

Learn this phrase. Love it. Hold it dear. Bring it back. If you know what this means, and/or agree with me, copy this into your sig.


#6 Offline TLhikan

TLhikan
  • Members
  • Descending into Protodermis

  • 1,010 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 25 2012 - 09:36 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Couple things:

 

 

 

 

I would be willing to help you tone your skills, if you like

 

Both in this case and below, "hone" is the more correct word.

 

 

 

No why would I need your help? 

 

I'm guessing you meant "now"?

 

 

 

 I activate my Kanohi Kadin and fly between is legs,

 

"His".

 

 

 

Just before he impales me on his blade, I spin around and behead him.

 

Toa Don't Kill. 

 

BS01 says that except for Tuyet, Helryx, and Lesovikk himself, all Toa follow the Code. Even if Jovan, a rookie, was a tad unfamiliar with it, killing a living being is a pretty big deal.

 

Lesovikk of course doesn't care about the code anymore, but I don't see any reason for Jovan to be the same (or at the absolute least not extremely torn up about it).

 

 

“I must go one,” 

 

 I'm guessing you meant "on".

 

But all in all, a good and touching story :).


  • 0

"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#7 Offline DeltaStriker

DeltaStriker
  • Members
  • Turaga

  • 91 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 27 2012 - 07:41 PM

“Well, Lesovikk,” I say. “You certainly have promise. I would be willing to help you hone your skills, if you like.”
The Toa of Air stares at me. “Now why would I need your help? I’m a veteran Toa, you’re just a rookie.”
I activate my Kanohi Kadin and fly between his legs, knocking the Toa of Air off balance.
 Just before he impales me on his blade, I spin around and strike him with the flat of my blade, and he crumples to the ground.
“I must go on,” the green Toa replies. “I have other friends I must find.”

 

I have marked the changes with bold.


  • 0
Matoro

 

"Keep in mind that if Star Trek fans had, as a group, said, No point in talking about this anymore, it's never going to come back, it never WOULD have come back."
-- Greg Farshtey

Learn this phrase. Love it. Hold it dear. Bring it back. If you know what this means, and/or agree with me, copy this into your sig.


#8 Offline TLhikan

TLhikan
  • Members
  • Descending into Protodermis

  • 1,010 posts
  •  

Posted Jan 29 2013 - 08:51 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

 

 

“If I promise to let you ‘tone my skills’, will you let me go?”

 

Just need to change this one to "hone" as well :).

 

 

 

 “You never told, me your name.”

 

Unnecessary comma. 

 

 

 

 I destroy Zyglak after Zyglak, but there seems to be no end to their ranks.

 

"Destroy" implies that Jovan killed them.

 

-TLhikan


  • 0

"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#9 Offline DeltaStriker

DeltaStriker
  • Members
  • Turaga

  • 91 posts
  •  

Posted Jan 29 2013 - 09:56 PM

“If I promise to let you ‘hone my skills’, will you let me go?”
Changed from 'tone'. 
“You never told me your name.”
Removed comma. 
I defeat Zyglak after Zyglak, but there seems to be no end to their ranks.
Changed from 'destroy'.Changes complete.

Edited by DeltaStriker, Feb 12 2013 - 12:26 PM.

  • 0
Matoro

 

"Keep in mind that if Star Trek fans had, as a group, said, No point in talking about this anymore, it's never going to come back, it never WOULD have come back."
-- Greg Farshtey

Learn this phrase. Love it. Hold it dear. Bring it back. If you know what this means, and/or agree with me, copy this into your sig.


#10 Offline DeltaStriker

DeltaStriker
  • Members
  • Turaga

  • 91 posts
  •  

Posted Feb 12 2013 - 12:24 PM

Oops double post. This is unnecessary. Please delete it ;)

Edited by DeltaStriker, Feb 12 2013 - 12:26 PM.

  • 0
Matoro

 

"Keep in mind that if Star Trek fans had, as a group, said, No point in talking about this anymore, it's never going to come back, it never WOULD have come back."
-- Greg Farshtey

Learn this phrase. Love it. Hold it dear. Bring it back. If you know what this means, and/or agree with me, copy this into your sig.


#11 Offline The First Speaker

The First Speaker
  • Members
  • Fluidic Master Nuva

  • 1,331 posts
  •  

Posted Feb 12 2013 - 02:49 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.


  • 0

le-koro_banner.jpg


#12 Offline Core Jalokim

Core Jalokim
  • Members
  • Toa

  • 127 posts
  •  

Posted Feb 27 2013 - 10:23 PM

I found a major inaccuracy in this. During Lesovikk's self imposed exile, he did not believe himself to be a toa, since he did not think he was worthy of the name. If your story is before his hiatus, then that is also wrong, because Jovan only met Lesovikk during Lesovikk's hiatus.


  • 0

Need a voice over done? PM me or reach me at mikolajdudek@gmail.com!


#13 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Mask of Light Unveiled

  • 5,101 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Feb 28 2013 - 01:39 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

I found a major inaccuracy in this. During Lesovikk's self imposed exile, he did not believe himself to be a toa, since he did not think he was worthy of the name. If your story is before his hiatus, then that is also wrong, because Jovan only met Lesovikk during Lesovikk's hiatus.

 

“Lesovikk, Toa of Air,” he replies.

 

It's pretty evident from this story that this is from Lesovikk's hiatus, so this line here needs to be changed to better fit Lesovikk - he would not so easily identify himself as a Toa. 

 

Also, (this is just a critical note, having nothing to do with canon) you may wish to clarify why Jovan and Lesovikk were fighting each other, as Toa don't usually do that. That part was a little confusing for me. 


  • 0

14126183966_9690cb0da3_z.jpg


#14 Offline DeltaStriker

DeltaStriker
  • Members
  • Turaga

  • 91 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 01 2013 - 08:03 AM

Ok, I'll try to find time to fix it. I'm kinda busy today...
  • 0
Matoro

 

"Keep in mind that if Star Trek fans had, as a group, said, No point in talking about this anymore, it's never going to come back, it never WOULD have come back."
-- Greg Farshtey

Learn this phrase. Love it. Hold it dear. Bring it back. If you know what this means, and/or agree with me, copy this into your sig.


#15 Offline bonesiii

bonesiii
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Forum Leaders
  • Perpetual Master of Reference

  • 18,879 posts
  •   BZP Leader

Posted Jul 29 2014 - 01:17 AM

Toa Don't Kill. 

 

BS01 says that except for Tuyet, Helryx, and Lesovikk himself, all Toa follow the Code. Even if Jovan, a rookie, was a tad unfamiliar with it, killing a living being is a pretty big deal.

 

Lesovikk of course doesn't care about the code anymore, but I don't see any reason for Jovan to be the same (or at the absolute least not extremely torn up about it).

I was assuming as I read that they would have discussed this earlier, since it says they had time to get to know each other. Still, I did think it was odd there was no narrative mention of why Jovan didn't object to the killing at the end. I wouldn't call this a necessary edit, but something about that (probably before the battle) would help. It could be considered implied, though.

 

he would not so easily identify himself as a Toa.

I agree with this, although I don't think it's major enough to prevent it from going to polls (or I'm not sure... I don't recall if that meant that Lesovikk would never, ever use the term -- he could have clarified later also that he didn't see himself as worthy of it). I'll PM the member about this, though.

 

Also, (this is just a critical note, having nothing to do with canon) you may wish to clarify why Jovan and Lesovikk were fighting each other, as Toa don't usually do that. That part was a little confusing for me.

I had assumed it was sparring that they started before the story opens. A bit odd for a memoir, but if Jovan wanted to write it that way, he very well could. A quick note to that end could help, though. In the part later that's clearly called sparring, you could just put something like "again" in there, which would imply the other was sparring without adding a lot of words or interrupting the flow.

 

If it was instead a misunderstanding that led to an actual fight, it does seem odd since it's not mentioned why, though, yeah (but this interpretation didn't occur to me while reading it).

 

So, I'm going to call this okay for polls but with a note that some edits are strongly recommended for clarity, and that I'm not 100% sure on the Toa bit (somebody correct me if I'm off base there please :P). PMing...


  • 0




0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users