Blendercat Toa of Coldplay Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Discuss and review my epic Resistance here. Chapter 1: http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=775]Here.[/url] Quote I figure I may as well do PBZPs now. But, I have a terrible work ethic,so they may take a while. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zblue=taken, red=in progress Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alena Spirit of Hyperness Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 *Cracks knuckles* Been a while since I did a review! Lesse if I got the good ol' reviewin' talent still! ;3 ANYWAYS... It would appear that this story is off to a rather promising start! A tad bit rushed, but every author has that issue, what with the way they can word such things. I certainly like the idea that you did implement into the story, sorta reminds me of communism, if I remember that subject correctly, after the numerous arguments I've been in with others on it correctly... (Which I probably don't! My memory is VERY short-term.) A grammatical error here and there, but IMO, it's not really anything to be seriously concerned about. =P You seem to do good in that area, although hopefully when/if (I say if because I have seen SO MANY promising stories having the first chappy posted here... Only never to be touched again, which is quite a shame, since some seemed REALLY good.) you DO post another chapter, then make sure you concentrate on the speed of your writing. Judging by the plot-line of your story, each chapter could easily be around 5 pages in length. =P Not sayin' you have to make them that long, but try to concentrate on length and detail a bit more! I'm not sure about whoever else may read this, but I LOVE good, long chapter. Especially if it's going to be a bi-weekly update! So you should have plenty of time to write out a nice long story, check it for mistakes and such, and then post it. (HURK! I feel so out of shape in reviewing! XD ) Is that it? Probably. XD Normally I'm better at this job! BZP has been down for wayyy to long! XD Normally I'm a much better reviewer than what it feels like I'm giving out ATM! But hopefully it is worthy enough of being decent enough to help ya out. =3 I MAY follow this, though, just to see where it goes! XD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blendercat Toa of Coldplay Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 *Cracks knuckles* Been a while since I did a review! Lesse if I got the good ol' reviewin' talent still! ;3 ANYWAYS... It would appear that this story is off to a rather promising start! A tad bit rushed, but every author has that issue, what with the way they can word such things. I certainly like the idea that you did implement into the story, sorta reminds me of communism, if I remember that subject correctly, after the numerous arguments I've been in with others on it correctly... (Which I probably don't! My memory is VERY short-term.) A grammatical error here and there, but IMO, it's not really anything to be seriously concerned about. =P You seem to do good in that area, although hopefully when/if (I say if because I have seen SO MANY promising stories having the first chappy posted here... Only never to be touched again, which is quite a shame, since some seemed REALLY good.) you DO post another chapter, then make sure you concentrate on the speed of your writing. Judging by the plot-line of your story, each chapter could easily be around 5 pages in length. =P Not sayin' you have to make them that long, but try to concentrate on length and detail a bit more! I'm not sure about whoever else may read this, but I LOVE good, long chapter. Especially if it's going to be a bi-weekly update! So you should have plenty of time to write out a nice long story, check it for mistakes and such, and then post it. (HURK! I feel so out of shape in reviewing! XD ) Is that it? Probably. XD Normally I'm better at this job! BZP has been down for wayyy to long! XD Normally I'm a much better reviewer than what it feels like I'm giving out ATM! But hopefully it is worthy enough of being decent enough to help ya out. =3 I MAY follow this, though, just to see where it goes! XDI wanted to get it out quickly, so I plan to really lengthen the next few chapters. Also, that means more detail as well. Quote I figure I may as well do PBZPs now. But, I have a terrible work ethic,so they may take a while. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zblue=taken, red=in progress Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blendercat Toa of Coldplay Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 Chapter 2 is up! Quote I figure I may as well do PBZPs now. But, I have a terrible work ethic,so they may take a while. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zblue=taken, red=in progress Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rarity Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Seems promising. But, as Alena said, rushed.And you need to describe a few more things, like what's the name of the island their on, who's in controll of the government, how do the guards feel about serving evil, why aren't the Toa guards, what kind of beings are the guards?I'll probably continue to read this, though, because it's still a pretty good epic. Quote >Not reading the first greentext story on BZP >2013 Be a cool kid and vote for mighty morphin' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omega Deception Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Seems good so far but as the others have said you should include more detail and stuff. I will continue to read it, can't wait for the next chapter. Quote My legs are dangling off the edgeA stomach full of pills didn't work againI'll put a bullet in my headAnd I'm gone, gone, gone, gone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blendercat Toa of Coldplay Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 Seems promising. But, as Alena said, rushed.And you need to describe a few more things, like what's the name of the island their on, who's in controll of the government, how do the guards feel about serving evil, why aren't the Toa guards, what kind of beings are the guards?I'll probably continue to read this, though, because it's still a pretty good epic. I intend to fill out some of that stuff, but keep in mind that, in the position of most guards, they think that they are fighting for good. I find the comment about the island to be pointless; this is in no way the same universe that we know as Bionicle. Quote I figure I may as well do PBZPs now. But, I have a terrible work ethic,so they may take a while. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zblue=taken, red=in progress Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rarity Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 That is true, but you haven't really given a good description of what the place they live, looks like.And how could the guards think that they're fighting for good? That is something I find interesting. Maybe you could explore that? Quote >Not reading the first greentext story on BZP >2013 Be a cool kid and vote for mighty morphin' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blendercat Toa of Coldplay Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 OK, well, I dunno, Urban. I was trying to focus more on some action. With the guards, they believe that the cause they fight for is good, as this is the way they think a society should be run. There's always a few like that. Quote I figure I may as well do PBZPs now. But, I have a terrible work ethic,so they may take a while. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zblue=taken, red=in progress Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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