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RPG Forum Contest 26 Reviews

RPG Contest RPGC26

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#1 Online Black Six

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Posted Nov 30 2012 - 11:05 PM

RPG Forum Text-Based RPG Contest 26 ReviewsYou know the drill. Read the rules here. Submit entries here. Review entries and discuss reviews here.
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#2 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 12:20 AM

Review of Descent, by Kal Grochi

 

Okay, so let me get this straight. The Agori and Glatorian turned against the Matoran for some reason, and then both sides went underground into a... train system. This RPG is just calling out for a train job straight out of the old westerns. But anyways, it's under one of the unnamed continents, which is unnamed. We get size specifics and.... well, a lot of... uh-oh. The trains aren't working. You just broke my old, black heart, Grochi.

 

Okay, so, now there's energized protodermis leaking down from the decomposing Great Spirit. It appears you've been thinking the same things that I have, then (SEE: RPG Planning Topic, Page 14, "Project, Codename: Total Open Warfare"). But we've got that problem.

 

Why do these people use the name Avo-Kra? I dunno, the use of old Matoran language seems a bit like 'well, guess who's in charge, then?' to me.

 

Okay, so, a question - why does the Avo-Kra line have Turaga Vakama acting for the MU species? Why not Dume? Or Helryx? Or anybody with a little more experience behind their belt.

 

And where's Tahu McFire+Shielding+42 Other Powers?

 

So, we getta be da heroes. Nah, big darned heroes, sir. And no approval needed? What about strange equipment and the like? Oh well, whatever. I just think you're being lazy, Grochi.

 

And on the subject of equipment... where is the equipment part of your profile?

 

Submit a map? Eh, sure. Might do that.

 

The rules don't specify, so do I need to follow BZP Rules, and may I spam your topic with OOC posts? Just asking.

 

OKAY THEN, THIS RPG LOOKS ALRIGHT. THERE ARE A FEW THINGS THAT WORRY ME, THOUGH. I DON'T SEE MUCH OF A STABLE PLOT THAT HAS BEEN LEFT HERE, AND I HAVE SOME FEAR THAT IF THIS RPG ISN'T WATCHED CAREFULLY, IT MAY COME TO A SCREAMING HALT QUICKLY BECAUSE THERE'S NO STORY BEHIND IT; A SANDBOX IS NICE, BUT THIS MIGHT BE PUSHING IT A LITTLE BIT TOO FAR. THE WHOLE MAKE YOUR STORY THING IS NICE, AND I HEARTILY ENDORSE IT, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD INSTITUTE SOMETHING ELSE. OR AT LEAST SAY THAT YOU, ARE NOT MAKE CLAIMS THAT YOU WON'T, AND THAT THE STAFF WON'T DO ANYTHING. BECAUSE FRANKLY, DEALING WITH THE BURNING LEGION EMPIRE OF FLAME AGAINST THE AV-KRA UNION OR SOMETHING WOULD BE MORE EXCITING.

 

 

AND STOP USING CAPS, BOY.

 

ADDENDUM: By 'Make-Your-Own, if you're good enough', do you mean that we create one from the start, or that we build one and then change it or add it in later? You don't make that very clear.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


Edited by Toa Levacius Zehvor, Dec 02 2012 - 12:23 AM.

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#3 Offline The Otter

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 08:54 AM

Are you seriously telling me I forgot the Weapons/Equipment section? Gah. As well, OOC-spam rules. Gah.

 

This is why I have more than one proofreader, generally.

 

Also, while you think this might be a trainwreck RPG, screeching to a halt with no plot, you're wrong. I want the players to go rather sandbox about it--and, if they can garner enough support and what-not, make their own faction, possibly take over--there will be a lot of stuff going on in the RPG with the various pre-set factions fighting and everything, trying to win over the others, and, ultimately, assault the Avo-Kra line.

 

As to the name of the Avo-Kra line, that was simply because the whole system was jointly constructed by the MU Species and the Bara-Magnan species. The lines and stations can be named in any languuage, really.

 

As well, for strange equipment needing approval, I'd have thought that was common sense, but meh. I guess I can add that in as well.

 

And, lastly, about the various heroes: I didn't mention them for a reason. It's up to you, my friend, to find out that reason.


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#4 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 01:10 PM

Also, while you think this might be a trainwreck RPG, screeching to a halt with no plot, you're wrong. I want the players to go rather sandbox about it--and, if they can garner enough support and what-not, make their own faction, possibly take over--there will be a lot of stuff going on in the RPG with the various pre-set factions fighting and everything, trying to win over the others, and, ultimately, assault the Avo-Kra line.

 

The only problem is that there's no motivation or push. A sandbox idea could work with infinite time provided, but that's not likely to happen. You need to have some type of goal that players are trying to reach. What reason is there to take over anything, anyways? It's not like we have anything telling us where there are particular resources or the like that our home(s) might need. And I could also endorse the idea similar to the LMTD one I was to implement where players could give up character slots or put more work into their character to start off with certain positions or have factions at their belt. Perhaps being assigned a certain station, and told what they need to get it to work properly, and who has it? Sure, some wars are fought over power and glory, but most are fought because one person needs or wants something another has.

 

I don't recommend railroading (hehe) your players, but I'd like to see a few things that could be used as motivation factors. It's a three month RPG, so if you want players fighting for the Line, you need it to be able to run faster.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#5 Offline The Otter

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 01:52 PM

Quite simply, the main motivation factor would be taking over. Why? So you can control the most resources, and whoever has the most resources lives the best, and might be able to last long enough to get back to the surface and fix it, some day.

 

This is another example where I would have thought things would be common sense.

 

Of course, you can always try to spread your ideology and stuff too, by conquering. All the same reasons anybody else would have long ago.


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#6 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 04:11 PM

That's fine and dandy, but where are the resources? You make no mention in the RPG of what things are controlled by what factions. Are the Skrall Revolution gaining ground because they have access to the best mining regions? Does the Burning Legion Empire of Flame have something of equal value that they've been using? Was the Av-Kra Union built upon an area where underground rivers provide the best food based supplies to outlast a siege and sustain a massive population?

 

Common sense is a good thing to say, but we don't know where to go to find what resource(s) of value, or who are enemy should be in taking them. This has nothing to do with common sense. Common sense doesn't tell me that my neighbor owns a horse, seeing the horse in his back yard is what tells me he has a horse. And he doesn't know from common sense that I have chickens, he knows I have chickens because he sees them strutting in the back yard. The point is, we don't actually live in your world, and never saw this stuff. It's the job of the player to pursue the story, and create the major characters that try to change it. It's the job of the GM to create the actual world, and the NPCs that populate it.

 

So, I guess the real thing that your RPG needs is to have a world, and for players to know what's in it. You can't expect players to build the world. You can expect them to try describing the architecture from their viewpoint, or the layout of minor buildings, and stuff like that. You can expect them to give personality to a few random NPCs they meet, like shopkeepers. The next part, though, is the tricky one.

 

What's the tricky part? You're forming a contrast. You can do one of two things. The first is to let players name the stations they live in, possibly start off with a character who controls them, or at least establish the leader and the people who live within besides their own character. The second is to do all of the other stuff yourself, and create a massive world for players to reside within. The problem is, you don't create the world, and then say we can't control the heads of stations, or of factions, or name the stations when creating a map.

 

What I would suggest to you is that if you won't create the world, then don't make it hard for players to create it. There's, what, some thousand stations? At least seven hundred? Let's assume you miraculously get 100 players, and every one of them makes 7 characters who are all station leaders. There's still enough stations. You made a huge world, and that fact should be exploited.

 

Let players take control of that stuff, and possibly draw maps for a station they live in or control. Make doing a a map of a station and surrounding areas mandatory for if you want to control one. Let them make small notes on the locations of resources that are used, where defenses are, and that kind of stuff.

 

But that's just my two cents.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#7 Offline The Otter

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 04:34 PM

I said don't name them if you create a map because I want the map to be flexible, to be able to be edited, for when somebody -does- name a station, Lev.

 

In fact, part of that has to do with everything I did: I want it to be flexible. I'll name a station or two, describe things if I really think they're needed, but in reality, I want the players to be the ones to build the world based on the outline I provided. I believe that most of them have the creativity to do it, and to work together and make it work. I don't want to create the entire world beforehand, because in my mind, that limits creativity.

 

Now, you might say that it limits creativity by making the role of being a station head only as a gift for something, and you might be right. But I don't want people to start out on top, either, because all I've seen that lead to is "My character can do nearly everything they want...I'm bored." I want them to have to write, and claw through the ranks, as much as possible.

 

While my thought might be limiting, I think that yours is much more limiting, Lev, just as I've felt about other RPG ideas I've seen from you and many others. They're too regimented. Too controlled. There's too much there that hinders a player who really wants to kick things up a knotch from describing what they see, how they see it, how it was built and how they can fix it and make it better because the Staff, and ultimately the Writer, have already done so. Somebody who really wants to tell a story and get other people into the story with him or her would be hindered because their setting is already told, and they have to shape themselves to fit that setting, not shape the setting for the plot, which they rather easily could do with this RPG.


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#8 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 05:27 PM

I don't deny that I have limits in my RPG, but there's very few. Other than the obvious, I have absolutely nothing saying where players can go in the world; in fact, there's, what, seven locations? And how many have been visited? There's all sorts of sub-plots left that nobody has followed. Exploring the ruins of Moroni, or attempting to uncover the secrets about the lake in the center of the island? And if players want to "kick things up a knotch", they can ask to make it that was as long as it fits the setting. I describe very little about Port Green Peak, or Fisherman's Rise, or Sakrinil. Shimmering Palace is a bit more detailed, but leaves much to the imagination.

 

What I tried to provide was a setting the players can interact with each other in. I don't deny that it's not a sandbox, because it's not a sandbox. If I wanted to write a sandbox I would write a sandbox. But any four year old could make a sandbox. It takes more than that to make a world that feels real(istic). I left lots of things open for players to discover; if they want to do their own thing (Basilisk's Zyglak statue), they can.

 

Your RPG has the problem of providing very little to work with or explore, and telling us to do something. But then there isn't even the option to have any kind of power from the start in this sandbox. A limited sandbox.

 

I respect your opinion, and your decision to keep your RPG as is, but I feel you need to either develop your setting, or give players more power over its development. Either/or. At the moment, it's still in my top three RPGs. But then, there's only been three submissions.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#9 Offline The Otter

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 05:59 PM

And what I'm trying to do, Lev, is provide the players with an opportunity to make their settings, and then I can log down those descriptions of the stations/tunnels somewhere else. If you're thinking I won't do any part to aide that process, you're wrong, but if you're thinking that your arguments and my statement are suddenly going to make me run through and describe everything myself, you're wrong as well.

 

The setting is developed as much as I need it to be, for the players to take charge and develop it themselves. I already know a few people I'm going to give the chance to make a character who is the head of a station-either as something to encourage them to write and increase their skill in writing, or just because I know I can trust them with that, and then they're going to be the main people to make my story start going. They're going to be the ones to describe those, shall we say, opening settings, and then people get to run out and describe from their.

 

As well, your comment about any four year old could make a sandbox, I found that slightly insulting, though there's the possibility you found my comments about your RPGs being overly limited insulting as well. I doubt that any four year old-if they even had the attention span and knowledge to do so-would want to write out as much as I have for an RPG, and then let it out to people. A four year old is still a four year old, and they'd be more likely to keep it to themselves because it's ''their toy'' than they would to give it to people and let them have nearly free reign with it. I, however, have made this for the simple fact that I want to give the player base something different than a normal RPG where the setting is entirely pre-fabricated. I don't want them to just make characters and dance to the tune of my flute-I want them to go in, and build the world together, the way a story should be done, and that can easily prove to be just as realistic as any pre-fab setting somebody else may have made. I'm just providing them with the space to write in.


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#10 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 06:18 PM

The comment about a four-year old is simply overstatement, meant to convey the simple fact that it's easier to make a sandbox than a developed setting. A sandbox means leaving all the work to the players, which is not how you write a story. An RPG is supposed to be a setting in which players can become part of a story, or build their own.

 

 

Your statements do little to alleviate my personal concerns. You can claim all you want that you won't aide in the process, but that doesn't make it easier, it just means you aide it. My opinion is that you should give players the option to take up more responsibility from the start, if you want to run an RPG this way efficiently. Yours seems to be that players should always work for it. You say that players will get bored if they can do what they wish from the start. You forget that running a station or the like will limit actual adventuring, and force the character to work on governing the place and engaging in territory battles. It will also force them to do more roleplaying by interacting with NPC neighbors and PC neighbors alike in pursuit of their goals. It's a completely different play style that you cut off.

 

Again, not a sandbox. A limited sandbox.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#11 Offline Friar Tuck

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 06:22 PM

[color=#8b4513;]Easy guys, please. Points have been made, now its up to the creator to either take that advice as constructive criticism or disregard it as the ramblings of madman. There is NO point in arguing over the validity of said points as they are, by nature, matters of opinion.[/color]

 

[color=#8b4513;]Anyone else care to submit a review?[/color]


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Living large... like clown-shoe size large. Complete with nose, rainbow-colored hair, and a bottle of seltzer water.

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#12 Offline Jedi Knight Krazy

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Posted Dec 10 2012 - 09:29 AM

As a first-time contest entrant, I'd like to hear people's thoughts on Thirst of Carto-Nui.


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#13 Offline Zakaro

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Posted Dec 10 2012 - 04:21 PM

[color=#008000;]Alright, here's an attempt at reviewing. Due to both creators having asked, I'm going to (attempt to) review Beneath Their Eyes and Thirst of Carto-Nui. Due to the weirdness of my computer, all text has been reverted to Arial and Black. My comments will be in [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]this color. [/color][/font]  == Beneath Their Eyes == By JL Intro Humanity. The first race of sentient beings to traverse the planet they call, Earth. But as they evolved, they created. [color=#ff0000;]K, we get smart and make stuff.[/color] They conspired.[color=#ff0000;] And plan.[/color] They created. [color=#ff0000;]And be redundant.[/color] And what originally was a hobby for a bunch of kids turned into the creation of the second race of sentient beings: Beings made of Plastic, but existing just as humans do. [color=#ff0000;]Whoa whoa, so now we've got ABS based life forms? [/color]Bionicles. [color=#ff0000;]Oh. Right.[/color] Life force imbued into the most unique, created by humans. (Meaning, all the ones created by Lego that were mass produced? Whatever holy power it was that gifted the Bionicles, obviously didn't see them as unique.) [color=#ff0000;]So a god decided to make plastic living. Eh, who cares about details.[/color] Well, they aren't really Bio-Mechanical, but there isn't any other good name for them. Plastics? I think not. [color=#ff0000;]How about Bio-Plastical?[/color] Years passed after their creation, and soon, they grew jealous. Were they to be played around by drooling little kids? Dropped on the floor? Muddied? Sat on? Melted? Bent? [color=#ff0000;]Well, considering no-one knows they're sentient... [/color]As Optimus Prime once said, Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. So why were the Bionicles all locked up, trapped, while the Humans, who didn't have the amazing supernatural powers of the Bionicles, get stuck? [color=#ff0000;]Stuck? Do you mean Stuff? Or something else entirely? [/color]To the Bionicles, it seemed like they were servants; Alive, but only to each other; To humans, just toys. [color=#ff0000;]Once again, they don't really know that they're sentient...[/color] And so, it began. Events transpired, and a single MOC decided that he had had enough of Humans treating him badly. [color=#ff0000;]Just one? [/color]And so, began a journey, between Bionicles and Humans, transpiring into a plot inducing changes as to who would be the dominant race on the beauty called Earth.[color=#ff0000;] Oh, how about monkeys? Or dolphins![/color] But this single MOC didn't have a shared opinion. Humans being toys? Not really. Other Bionicles rose, idolizing Optimus Prime in the right way, and started the fight for freedom. [color=#ff0000;]K, now there's a fight.[/color] And that is where you come in. Are you a jealous MOC, helping the one who started this civil war? [color=#ff0000;]Maybe.[/color] Are you a warrior, one who stands beside the idols of freedom and justice to all? [color=#ff0000;]Maybe.[/color] As the plot of this story centers around the majestic little area called Red Sprint, centered in an english-speaking country, you will be the one who can change the fate of the world. But remember, that forevermore, Bionicles are always Beneath Their Eyes. And it must stay that way, until this fight reaches its apex. [color=#ff0000;]So no burning down shopping malls?[/color] Oh, and just a tip for y'all Bionicles: Stay away from Cats and Dogs. [color=#ff0000;]And Turkeys. [/color] == History == Bionicles are a technological, evolved race. (Because of the fact that humans had already developed[color=#ff0000;]) Missing parenthesis.[/color]  But their history is very short. Created in 2001, the first ones emerged when creative kids broke apart their lego toys into pieces, and used it to build their own creations. By 2004, the world was already filled with these Bionicles, horrendously called by Humans as 'My Own Creations'. By 2007, many of the parts that Lego released for their Inika and Mahri toy sets were used for easy MOCS, and by 2010, the ending of Lego's Bionicle toyline, the numbers were massive. [color=#ff0000;]Lots of MOCs, got it.[/color] Most MOCS were brought alive during the 2006-2008 sagas of Bionicle, including the MOC who started TACTICUS, a major underground internet movement that revolved wholly around Bionicles and their injustice by humans. [color=#ff0000;]He better not have the Tyrna. Undead Armys get annoying.[/color] When TACTICUS rose in 2007, a month later rose SONIX, a group of Bionicles who understood that without humans as a dominant race, Bionicles wouldn't exist. [color=#ff0000;]Clash of the Acronyms! [/color]These 2 groups clashed for the next few years. As this happened, economy started to fail, TACTICUS having agents in major countries causing damage to human economy while SONIX trying to help the humans. In the end, though, very little humans actually knew that Bionicles were alive. [color=#ff0000;]You don't say...[/color] By 2011, TACTICUS and SONIX's leaders both know of each other, and their whereabouts: Red Sprint, a human town. [color=#ff0000;]How convenient. [/color] Many operatives of TACTICUS and SONIX headed towards the Red Sprint area as well, as conflict there grew. By 2012, tensions were already amazingly high; Many omens have told of 21/12/2012 as the date of the end of the world. Higher ups of TACTICUS and SONIX knew that this omen only pointed out the start of a new world, and many Bionicles thought that it would change drastically. This would not be true; It would only start to change.[color=#ff0000;] *Gasps*[/color] == Red Sprint == Red Sprint is the location where the factions of TACTICUS and SONIX are both based in. It consists of a town, also named Red Sprint, a shopping mall, an apartment complex, forests, rivers, mountains, an ice-skating rink, town pool and lake. It is located in a valley, and the large-ish mountains surrounding it also have varying climates. While not hard for a human to exist in, Red Sprint is big. For Bionicles. Houses and streets also dot the area. [color=#ff0000;]Polka Dot?[/color] In the town, there are several points of interest. There is: Mall - Where many supplies, shops, and food stores can be found. This is also one of the places where Bionicles can heal; The Toy Store there is considered to be a hospital for Bionicles. [color=#ff0000;]So, still not allowed to burn it down?[/color] Apartment Complex - Where a lot of rich humans live, many Bionicle sets can be found living here.  Town - Simply the area of the town, a lot of houses, random shops, food places, can be found.[color=#ff0000;] Can I burn those down?[/color] TACTICUS Base - A house, number 212 on Green Run Street, that is one of the only houses run only by Bionicles. Very rarely do Bionicle[color=#000000;]s[/color] know of its address; Most of the operatives of TACTICUS are contacted through the internet. [color=#ff0000;]So, we've got a RED town with a GREEN street. I smell Christmas.[/color] SONIX Base - Similar to the TACTICUS base, it is simply a house fully run by Bionicles. Very rarely do Bionicles know of its address; Most of the operatives of SONIX are contacted through the internet. It's address is number 117 on Infinity Road. [color=#ff0000;]Is there an 'And Beyond' Road?[/color] Beach - The southern edge of the Red Sprint area is a long beach, which borders the land and the pacific ocean. Outside of the town is just a big assortment of less-explored lands by both Bionicles and Humans alike. If you know what a valley is, you'd know what is outside of the town. Except maybe there a bunkers, bases, and houses constructed.  Leaving Red Sprint? To the north is an airport. Chances are, you'd never get past Airport security. That can be skipped; Getting on a plane can not. However, they do have a big mall, and quite a lot of the cool stuff you'd find in an Airport. But a Bionicle cannot get on a plane and leave Red Sprint without sneaking into baggage. And when that happens, you won't be able to return. TACTICUS and SONIX love having Bionicles leave. They won't let you back in unless you are the top of their group. To the east and west of the valley, there are other towns and living areas. However, the highway leading to and from these places requires human cars, and actual humans. Unless you have one; Which you dont.....the only way to get to these places are through the valley. Unless, of course, you realistically acquire a car and a human. Somehow. [color=#ff0000;]We have our ways. :evilgrin:[/color][color=#ff0000;] [/color] And to the south is the Pacific Ocean. If you really want to go into the vast expanse of water, nobody can stop you. Except the lifeguards. And there's nothing there. [color=#ff0000;]Let's go swimming![/color] There is, though, and island, which only the strongest of Bionicles have ever been to. [color=#ff0000;]So going there.[/color] When travelling in Red Sprint, Be REALISTIC! Humans are everywhere, here and there, even though it isn't densely populated. In the mall, there is bound to be people. And Bionicles need to keep out of their way. [color=#ff0000;]And out of the way of Dogs. And Cats. Don't forget Turkeys. [/color] ==Species== Different types of Bionicle's exist. There are tons of species, due to the amount of Custom MOCs that humans have made. However, there is also a lot of similar Bionicles based upon Lego's different species. These include: Matoran: Rarely existing, they do have physical battle prowess, but have no special powers. They are much less noticeable by humans. [color=#ff0000;]Small Mask-wears= Hard to be noticed.[/color] Toa: The most prominent species of Bionicle's that exist in Red Sprint, they form up much of the factions and population. They all have elemental and mask powers, some even with custom powers thanks to their MOC creators. However, Toa of Light and Toa of Shadow are rarely found, due to the fact that they were either killed by TACTICUS or SONIX due to the amount of threat they possess. They are the most noticeable by humans. Powers not allowed: Light, Shadow, Any Mind Reading/Changing powers.[color=#ff0000;]Large=Easy to see.[/color] Glatorian: Stronger, Faster, and generally physically more powerful than Matoran, but nearly as noticeable to humans as Toa.   Skakdi and Vortixx have rarely been created in MOCs, and even less of them exist in Red Sprint. Most Skakdi and Vortixx have jobs for TACTICUS or SONIX, using their technological prowess to help in the faction's respective jobs around the world. You cannot be a Skakdi or Vortixx. (Exception: Custom Species) Makuta are just about extinct. Too many MOCers/MOCists have been unoriginal, and made their Toa wreck their Makuta. You cannot be a Makuta. (Exception: Custom Species) Nobody has ever really built Turaga. Neglected, the ones that were built really just pulled their own heads off. Custom Species': They exist. If you want one, send RPG Staff a message. Skakdi, Vortixx and Makuta can classify as this. [color=#ff0000;]*gets idea*[/color] == Factions == SONIX: Considered as the 'Good' faction, but not generally consisting of good Bionicles, SONIX is the faction that wishes to stop TACTICUS' plan, whatever it is. You can have a player be an operative, but being a top operative requires good RPing. If your character is good enough, he'll be approached. Much of SONIX's information is displayed on the internet; Most communication happens there. Anything relating to Bionicles, though, isn't. The Leader is named Sonik, Toa of Shadow. They have a base in the town of Red Sprint. [color=#ff0000;]Good group, bad people. Kinda like the US government.[/color] TACTICUS: Considered as the 'Evil' faction, but not generally consisting of Evil Bionicles, TACTICUS is the faction that wishes to flip the tables on the humans, taking over as the dominant species. You can have a player be an operative, but being a top operative requires good RPing. If your character is good (Or bad) enough, he'll be approached. Much of TACTICUS' information is displayed on the internet; Most communication happens there. Anything relating to Bionicles, though, isn't. The Leader is named Tiliux, Toa of Light. They have a base in the town of Red Sprint. [color=#ff0000;]Bad group, good people. Also could be the US government.[/color] Freelancers: A Group of Toa who simply want conflict to end, they are simply led by someone who goes by the alias of 'Leader'. All Freelancers must be a Toa character. Freelancers can fight with or against other factions with good reason, but never with each other, although competition with each other is approved.  -Your own Factions- A faction in this RPG refers to a group of 6 or more characters working together. They can either be part of another faction and work with them, or work alone with their own objectives. Once a working base is created, they can start recruiting NPC's to their cause. (NPC's must be approved by the Game Master first. Simply sending them a PM will suffice) To create a faction, you need at least 2 players. One of the Out-Of-Game leaders must fill in the following form and PM it to a Game Admin/Master. Guild Name:Founders/Leaders (In-Game + Out of Game):Positions and Ranks (Include what they do):Characters (All Player Characters involved + Exact numbers of NPCs. List out their positions/ranks):Goal(s):Emblem (Optional): [color=#ff0000;]Gonna make a group to just burn whatever they can. Maybe.[/color] == Gameplay and Characters == Beneath Their Eyes is a text based, open-world, plot driven sandbox action/adventure RPG. It is under the control of the Game Master (Me) and any Game Administrator appointed. However, it is rare that we will intervene in gameplay; And if we do, chances are we just want to play as well. -Create-A-Char- No, we're not creating Char Aznable. Here, gives guidelines and rules as to what you must do to create a character. First of all, here is a character profile that I would request you to use. It isn't required, but you must use something similar. Name:Gender:Species:Alignment/Faction:Powers + Skills:Mask:Element:Equipment:Appearance: Bio + Personality Description: Now, on to customization and balancing.  Custom Species' are allowed, but you must send in their powers and abilities as a species to a Game Admin/Master. Chances are, we'll approve, but modify a bit of what you send in if we see it needs it. This rule goes on to Custom Elements, Powers, Masks and Equipment. Things you need to describe for a custom species: Powers + Skills (Include if they have elemental/mask powers) and appearance. Anything else, you can add as well. Now, about Equipment: In this game, this will be quite different. We have normal things; Swords, Shields, etc. We have the things found in this game, like Keychain Baseball Bats, or Duct Tape, etc. Then we have special equipment. Toa are allowed 1. Matoran and Glatorian are allowed 2. Custom Species needs balancing; You can give a suggesting, and we will try in our best ways to allow it while keeping it balanced. Special Equipment, what is that? You may say. Well, here's an example. 'Flight Gear for a Toa' or 'Bike-like vehicle for glatorian' or 'Invisibility for a matoran'. Equipment can be many things; It just needs approval. Special Equipment isn't allowed; But if you have it, place it in 'Equipment'.[color=#ff0000;]Want Custom-> Get approval. Got it.[/color]Pre-Approved tech (Glatorian and Matoran): Limited control over an element (Not Light or Shadow), Vehicles, effects similar to a Kanohi.Pre-Approved tech (Toa): Effects similar to a Kanohi. Now, one more thing: NPC's and PC's in this game are not weak. One Player Character (PC) can hold off an average joe NPC easily. A good PC can hold off several NPC's at once. But in a PC vs PC fight, be realistic. And remember; In a Staff-controlled-NPC fight, chances are, you need to try harder. Against a staff-PC? That's when you don't need to be so tense. -Rules to play- 1. All BZP Rules and RPG Forum Rules apply to this game. Please use good grammar, spelling, formatting and punctuation.2. No godmodding. Meaning no unrealistic things. Found a loophole in something? Feel free to use it. But you didn't? Then it's not ok for you to just 'win'. Bunnying, Auto-hitting, Meta-gaming and anything of the sort is not allowed unless you are doing it to a character whose player has allowed it.3. No OOC only posts. If you need to do it, Discussion or PM are great ideas.4. Comedy is allowed. Romance, a bit less. Nothing over the top.5. You can create your own plots or influence the main plot, but you can't stop the main plot, nor can you have a crazy plot without planning and approval. No destroying major locations too, please. Punishments for the violating the rules: First Offense: Warning. Second Offense: Unstoppable Karma. [color=#ff0000;]I recommend using fire.[/color]Third Offense: Worse Karma. [color=#ff0000;]More fire.[/color]Fourth Offense: All your characters, die, except one. This depends on your RPing. Your 1 character becomes your limit, and you are on probation until we deem you can continue RPing. This doesn't reset your offenses.Fifth Offense: Say Bye. [color=#ff0000;]Shoot 'em out of a cannon.[/color] The second and third offense punishments can come without a warning. If you wish to report another player, send a PM to an Admin/Master, and they will deal with the issue as they see fit. Minor Offenses: These are when you violate the rules, but not in a major way. You won't take an 'Offense' mark that can cause you to get booted from the game, but you will suffer punishment on the first-second level.  -How to Play- <IC: Character Name + Location> <Post your stuff here.> The above format is the one I would prefer you to use. IC tells us you are playing as the character, the character name tells us which one(s) and the location helps us determine where they are. You don't HAVe to use it, but it needs to be good. Please, your characters do not have Insta-Knowledge. Keep meta-gaming from happening. Things that might be widely known, such as, perhaps, something major placed on the News, can be known, but if someone else's character's decides that your character is going to be attacked, your character won't all of a sudden know it. [color=#ff0000;]Works for me.[/color]-Game Admin and Master- In this game, I will control certain NPC's. This includes Sonik, leader of SONIX, Tiliux, leader of TACTICUS and 'Leader', leader of the Freelancers. If you want interaction from them, PM me. I will also have 1 Player Character made for enforcing the rules, and 1 Player Character just for fun. Both will be involved in the plot, somehow.[color=#ff0000;]K.[/color]The Game Master and the Admins will simply make sure people obey the rules, and if they don't, punish them.  == And just some stuff you might want to read == Your Bionicle Characters live in a Human town. They are created by humans, and certain traits are taken from them. While we don't have reproduction in this game, we do have age, and we have food. All your characters need to EAT. Whether this is a Hamburger from McDonalds, or a 12 oz. Rib-Eye Steak from a 5 star restaurant, it is required. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner are guidelines. You don't need them, but you need the food.[color=#ff0000;] Eating=Living. Check.[/color] Time exists. The entire games life of 12 weeks might only be, In-Game, a week, but please, lessen the insta-travel. [color=#ff0000;]No teleporting. K.[/color] And then, Puzzles and the Plot. If you want a big place in the plot, PM me. If you want to simply integrate your character into it, do it IC. But this game's plot doesn't revolve around PVP. It revolves around exploring. Adventuring. And while most of this you can do yourself, I can - And will, request or no, give your characters challenges.  And with that said.... Thanks in Advance-JL [color=#ff0000;]So, all in all, I find that this is definitely a different type of entry that I've never seen. Perhaps it's been done on the old forums, but I wouldn't know. Somethings that stood out were the repeated use of 'Bionicles' instead of 'Bionicle', but that's minor. The town is set up nicely, with many options of where to do and what to do. I do think that currently you are one of the 3 I'll be voting for, along with Lev's and my own (Which is coming soon). Good job, and good luck.[/color]  Thirst of Carto-Nui It was six months since the drought began. Koriki shook his canteen, willing it to release just one more drop of life-giving liquid protodermis – or as most Matoran called it, “water”. Koriki’s village of Le-Matoran had been hit the hardest, without a doubt. Their home on the north-east side of the island was a greedy forest that soaked up all of the moisture in the ground. The Ta-Matoran, on the west of the island near the volcanoes, struggled as well with the constant heat. The only village that had enough pure, drinkable water left was the Ga-Matoran, who lived near the lakes on the south-east side. When the drought was young, the Ga-Matoran had happily shared their abundant resources with the other two villages, but as their supplies drained, the Ga-Matoran limited the amount that they shared. When the Ta-Matoran had begun to complain about their rations two months ago, the Ga-Matoran cut them off entirely. In response, the Ta-Matoran declared war. Now, even the Ga-Matoran’s water supply was beginning to dwindle, and they had sent repeated warnings to the Le-Matoran that they could not support their needs much longer. But the Le-Matoran had one plan left – a sacred artifact of their people, symbolically kept for a time of need. No one had ever believed that time would actually come – or that they would be forced to give the artifact away. Koriki looked down at the small sack he carried, careful not to touch the glowing Toa Stone within. Though the Le-Matoran had kept the Stone for a future Toa of Air to defend their home, their Turaga Lakkin had realized that a Toa of Water was what the entire island needed. Koriki stood by the gates of Ga-Koro. “A gift for the Ga-Matoran!” he cried. A whistling sound came from his right. He turned, curious what was making it. Just then, his companion fell to the ground, clutching the arrow in his chest. “Ta-Matoran!” shouted the captain, as the small part of Le-Matoran scattered to more tactical positions.  Koriki, lacking any weapons or defenses, as was traditional for a gift-bearer, simply fled. He heard another whistle. As he twisted his head to try to see where it was coming from, he tripped over a tree root and fell to the ground. The Toa Stone flew out of his hand, and without thinking, Koriki lunged to catch it. Power surged through his body as his fingers closed around the Stone. “No!” he shouted as he felt himself changing, growing, gaining power. When it was over, he scrambled to his feet, still holding the now-inert Toa Stone. He looked at himself – he was a Toa… and he had just stolen the island’s only hope. “Koriki!” called another Le-Matoran from several bios away, who hadn’t seen what happened. “Get back to the-ungh!” Koriki could guess why he stopped talking. Filled with rage, he ran back into the open, where Ta-Matoran were slaughtering what was left of his party. Koriki thrust out his arm, willing the air around him to do the same. The Ta-Matoran flew backwards. The ones who weren’t killed by the force of the wind broke their spines when they landed. Koriki looked up at the gate tower, where a Ga-Matoran stood guard. “You have doomed us all, Le-Matoran,” she said, and walked away. Koriki, unable to disagree, started his journey back home to tell Lakkin of his failure. No one would attack him on his way. [color=#ff0000;]Ouch. What did you do to be hit that bad with Karma? [/jk] [/color]  Location and Factions  Please excuse my horrible drawing skills...[color=#ff0000;](Map removed cause it didn't copy right)[/color] Thirst of Carto-Nui takes place on an island called Carto-Nui – “The Great Ring”.  It has faced a severe drought for six months and its three villages are on the brink of war. [color=#ff0000;]One ring to rule them all... [/sidetrack][/color] Le-Wahi The North-East side of the island is a large forest, home to the Le-Matoran. Since the drought began, the forest has gained a noticeably brown tint, but it is still a peaceful place – unless you have angered its inhabitants.[color=#ff0000;] Angry Le-Matoran. Not the best thing you want after you in a jungle.[/color] Besides the many dangerous wild Rahi that live in the forests, you would be wise to avoid the Le-Matoran unless you are on their side. They are cunning, stealthy, and agile. If everything goes according to their plans, you’ll never see them before you have a dagger in your back. In direct combat, they will fight ruthlessly to protect their dying home, without any thought to their own safety.[color=#ff0000;]Kamikaze? [/color]Though the Le-Matoran import some technology from Ta-Wahi and Metru-Nui, they generally prefer to keep their home natural, hiding mechanical conveniences deep in the heart of the forest where they won’t be visible unless you’re looking for them.[color=#ff0000;]They must be hippies. (Don't take that seriously)[/color]The previous water rations that the Le-Matoran received from Ga-Koro are pending renegotiations following the failed gift of the Toa Stone, and the Le-Matoran are not optimistic that the agreement will be favorable.[color=#ff0000;]I can't imagine why.[/color]Ta-Wahi The entire Eastern side of the island is a dark, volcanic region. There are two active volcanoes there, known to the unimaginative Ta-Matoran as Mount Northern and Mount Southern.[color=#ff0000;] Better than Mount This-way and Mount That-way.[/color] Though Ta-Wahi is geographically larger than either Wahi, the Ta-Matoran stick to the center of the region, where there is less danger from lava flows. [color=#ff0000;]Ooo, fire.[/color] The Ta-Matoran are industrial, forging powerful steam-powered machines. The other villages consider the use of steam power wasteful in the drought, but the Ta-Matoran are undeterred, though their latest machines are noticeably more conservative. [color=#ff0000;]Should'a used coal. Or even lava.[/color] Attacking Ta-Koro directly is suicide. The automated defenses would destroy you before any Matoran even noticed you were there. If you evaded or disabled the cannons – and perhaps even avoided setting off the alarm – you would have to face an army of Ta-Matoran, each one with a thousand years’ worth of experience with a crossbow.[color=#ff0000;] So, no friendly party-crashes?[/color] After being cut off from Ga-Koro’s water supply, the Ta-Matoran constructed a rudimentary liquid protodermis purifier, though it won’t work on seawater and leaves a bitter aftertaste. Some Ta-Matoran wonder if it would be wiser to seek a temporary truce with Ga-Koro. [color=#ff0000;]Drinking bad-tasting water vs. Not attacking Female Water villagers... Hmmmm...[/color] Ga-Wahi The South-East side of the island is a long strip of tropical beach separating the ocean and Lake Sedigo. Though the geographical space is limited, the Ga-Matoran have constructed several wooden docks over the lake and ocean.  The Ga-Matoran have constructed an impenetrable stone wall around their village, and prefer a Kanoka launcher for self-defense (though since Kanoka are expensive, they primarily shoot unpowered disks). Ga-Koro  is host to several liquid protodermis purification facilities, which makes them the only reliable source of drinking water on the island. If their village is attacked directly, the Ga-Matoran have vowed to destroy the purification facilities, dooming everyone. The Ga-Matoran will part with some of their water supply for a price, but the deal will not be in your favor. Careful diplomacy with Ga-Koro is key to survival in this war.[color=#ff0000;]So, water people hoarding water. Got it.[/color]Lake Sedigo Lake Sedigo is located roughly in the center of island, is accessible from all regions, and is the only reason that the Matoran of Carto-Nui have survived this long. Even so, the water is starting to become stagnant and unfit for drinking.[color=#ff0000;] Swamp time?[/color] The water levels have receded dramatically, such that some Matoran jokingly refer to it as “Puddle Sedigo.” That is, when they’re in a joking mood and not dying of thirst. [color=#ff0000;]Which is about 1/999th of the time. [/color] Some Matoran with mask scope modifications have commented that there seems to be something unusual at the bottom of the lake, but it’s still far too deep to investigate. [color=#ff0000;]Not with a Kaukau...[/color] Your Role The Matoran of Carto-Nui are unskilled in warfare and diplomacy and need someone to lead them. That’s where you come in: As a hero, or a mercenary, from elsewhere in the Matoran Universe, your job is to make sure your village has enough water to survive – by any means necessary. [color=#ff0000;]Even burning everything?[/color] You might also be a native Matoran of the island, promoted to leadership by your Turaga. [color=#ff0000;]So I HAVE to be a leader?[/color] Each village has a limited water supply. This is measured in real time – for example, “Le-Koro has a week’s worth of water left.”  When they run out of water, the village will have a certain amount of time to gain water before the entire faction is dead. [color=#ff0000;]Like a dehydrated doornail.[/color] The Turaga of each village will place a number of Matoran under your command. You will start with five squad members – if any are killed, you will need to return to your village to pick up reinforcements. You may be put in command of more Matoran if you prove yourself in battle, and entrusted with fewer if you bring back too many bodies.[color=#ff0000;] 5-2+village=5. Repeat, and that becomes 4. Gots it. [/color] Or you might not be affiliated with any village. You might be here for your own reasons. Maybe you want to take advantage of the war to loot Ta-Matoran machinery or Le-Matoran spiritual artifacts. Whatever your reasons, if you don’t plan on getting involved, bring your own water. [color=#ff0000;]Or don't need it. If that's possible.[/color] As the war goes on, you may find that it gets more… complicated. The reason for the drought is still unknown, but few believe it is natural. And as Lake Sedigo vanishes, it may reveal things on the bottom of the lake which should have remained hidden.[color=#ff0000;]Dead bodies![/color] Rules
    [*]If you’ve been around here, you know the drill – no godmodding. In a nutshell, that means you must accept defeat when your character is in battle. Don’t assume that you can simply dodge or block every attack that comes your way.[*]The godmodding rule also applies to your NPCS – Matoran are weak. If they get in a battle, there’s a good chance some of them will die or become seriously injured.[*]Don’t metagame. Remember that your character probably knows much less than you do. You, in the real world, might have read about a stealth team sneaking up behind you, but that’s not a good enough reason for your character to suddenly turn around and shoot them all in the face. Similarly, if one of your characters knows something, your other characters won’t share that knowledge until they hear about it themselves.[*]Don’t control other people’s characters without permission, even if they’re on your side! Don’t write their dialogue or dictate their actions. This includes attacking them and assuming that you hit – you have to give other players a chance to defend themselves. There is one exception to this rule – see the “Three-Day Rule” below.[*]This should be obvious given the above rule, but you absolutely cannot kill other player characters or their Matoran NPCs without their permission.[*]Don’t teleport. By that, I mean don’t go from one place on the island to another by ignoring travel time and obstacles in the way. Terrain and territory are important in warfare.[/list]The first time you violate one of these rules, you will receive a warning and a minor injury on the offending character. On the second strike, your character will be permanently injured. [color=#ff0000;]Arrow meets Knee?[/color] On the third strike, the character will die. Break a rule again, and all of your characters die and you’ll be banned from the game. "More like guidelines" Each of your In-Character posts should be at least three sentences long. I won’t enforce this rule, but you might receive a warning if you repeatedly post short responses that add nothing to the game. The theme of Thirst is, well, thirst. Your Matoran need to drink water to survive, and depending on your character’s species, so do you.  Don’t forget that while role-playing, and remember that your water has to come from somewhere. [color=#ff0000;]Over.. the rainbow...[/color] Try to resolve battles amongst yourselves. This falls into the “no godmodding” rules – if it looks like you’ve been defeated, let a few of your Matoran die and retreat. [color=#ff0000;]Oh noes! Why must they die? :P[/color] If necessary, I’ll help resolve a large battle where a lot is at stake. If you request my intervention in a battle and I deem my help unnecessary, you will find that it does not end favorably for anyone involved. *evil laugh* [color=#ff0000;]So, small battle+your 'help'= mass killing/chaos/destruction.[/color] Allowances If you are interacting with another player character that hasn’t responded for three real-time days, you have permission (but are not required) to control their character and NPCs, as little as possible, to extract yourself from the situation and keep the game moving. This is the “Three-Day Rule” mentioned earlier. You still may not kill characters or NPCs. The official locations on Carto-Nui are sparse, so feel free to make up and name new locations. I’ll keep a reference post updated with all the player-created places. You're not constrained to the “All Ga-Matoran and only Ga-Matoran are female” rule of Bionicle. On Carto-Nui, it’s more of a stereotype than an actual rule. [color=#ff0000;]Don't be stereotypical, though. It's not nice.[/color] Feel free to role-play your Matoran NPCs – add backstory and personality, even name them if you like! Just don’t get too attached – it is a war, after all. How to Join Invent a hero or a mercenary from anywhere in the Matoran Universe to help a village of Carto-Nui survive the war. This RPG sticks pretty close to canon and is set well before the Great Cataclysm. You can have multiple characters, but no more than 2 per faction. Submit this form to the discussion topic. Once I approve it, you may post it in the reference topic. 

    Name:Species: [I’ll be liberal on custom species, just don’t be crazy and please no makuta]Elements and/or Powers:Mask (if applicable): [I’ll be liberal on custom Kanohi as well. No legendary masks]Weapons: Faction: [Please don’t just say “whoever pays the most”; if you’re a mercenary, of course that’s why you’re here. It’s up to you to decide who paid you the most]Biography:Personality:

     

     Official Characters Name: KorikiSpecies: Toa - EliteElements and/or Powers: Air. Because the Toa Stone that transformed him was a legendary artifact, his power level is comparable to that of a Toa Nuva.Mask: Akaku, Mask of X-Ray VisionWeapons: Koriki carries a dagger out of habit, but he rarely uses it.Faction: Le-KoroBiography: You just read it in the opening post, silly!Personality: As a Le-Matoran, Koriki was stereotypically talkative. Now, he is ashamed of the accident that made him a Toa and is simply focused on the task at hand. He seems detached from the world – as if he was merely a weapon. Name: LakkinSpecies: TuragaElements and/or Powers: Air (Turaga)Mask: Noble Volitak, Mask of StealthWeapons: Lakkin carries what appears to be a simple wooden staff. Concealed in the tip, however, is a razor-sharp blade, which can be extended with the tap of a hidden release button.Faction: Le-Koro (Leader)Biography: Like most Turaga, Lakkin has led Le-Koro for as long as anyone can remember. Stories about his past are practically legend, but most suggest that he was a Toa of Air from the Southern Continent, and fought off a Nui-Rama swarm and a Dark Hunter with a Mask of Rahi Control. The most impressive part of these stories, if true, is that Lakkin never used his powers or his weapon against the Dark Hunter - after talking with him, the Dark Hunter simply left and was never seen again.Personality: Lakkin approaches problems logically and analytically. Though he may seem cold, he has a lot of compassion for his people – but he never lets his emotions get in the way of making the right choice. Name: KerrisumSpecies: MatoranElements and/or Powers: Fire (Matoran – no actual elemental power)Mask: Matoran Suletu, Mask of Telepathy (Powerless)Weapons: Kerrisum, like most Ta-Matoran, carries a crossbow wherever he goes. In battle or in dangerous situations, he also carries a heavy handheld cannon which has been known to shred an Ash Bear in one shot.Faction: Ta-Koro (Leader)Biography: Ta-Koro has never had a Turaga. When his predecessor died in a lava farm explosion a hundred years ago, Kerrisum won the popular vote of the Ta-Matoran to act as honorary Turaga.Personality:  Kerrisum is the non-Turaga leader of Ta-Koro. He has a hands-on approach to leadership and prefers to keep performing his Matoran duties in addition to making the tough decisions of Ta-Koro. As a result, though, some of his decisions are rather rash because somebody asked him what to do while he was in the middle of a project. He knows this weakness and is willing to change his mind should another Matoran convince him that he was wrong. Name:  ZullaSpecies: TuragaElements and/or Powers: Water (Turaga)Mask:  Noble Calix, Mask of FateWeapons: Zulla carries an elegant metal staff with a glowing blue tip. It glows brighter as it gains a charge – it takes about two days to be fully charged, but this process can be sped up if the staff is kept near water. Once charged, the staff can shoot a powerful energy burst that can incapacitate an attacker, but this will drain its charge completely.Faction: Ga-Koro (Leader)Biography: Originally a Ga-Matoran of Metru-Nui, Zulla was sent to Carto-Nui to install water purifiers, long before the drought. When a Tarakava swarm came out of the ocean, she fled back to Metru Nui – only to find a Toa Stone delivered to her, along with a note requesting that she join the Order of Mata Nui. Zulla disregarded the note and sailed straight back to Carto-Nui, saving them from the Tarakava.Personality: Zulla is a compassionate and understanding leader, but if forced to choose between her people and an outsider, she will not hesitate to let the outsider suffer.   Summary In Thirst of Carto-Nui, you will battle with an army at your side against other players to secure control of the precious resource of water - and uncover the cause of the mysterious drought which started this war. Thanks for reading, and stay thirsty, my friends :)[color=#ff0000;]The most interesting man in the world's favorite quote.[/color] - Jedi Knight Krazy [color=#ff0000;]So, it seems like a nice concept, revolving around thirst and water, obviously. For whatever reason, I can't think of much more to say other than that. I may/may not vote for it, because the concept doesn't draw me as much as others do, but it'll probably get my vote in the prelims. Good job, and good luck.[/color] [color=#800080;][font='comic sans ms', cursive]Zakaro[/font][/color]

    Edited by Bounce goes Zakaro!, Dec 10 2012 - 04:22 PM.

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The Journey begins! Feel free to join as the quest starts out.  ^_^

-Lego RPG Forum-

Just call me Zakaro, no matter what's up there.

 

 


#14 Offline Jedi Knight Krazy

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Posted Dec 10 2012 - 07:49 PM

Thanks for the review, Zakaro. Looks like you understood the premise pretty well - I totally hadn't thought of a Kaukau user checking out the lake. I guess I forgot that non-Matoran mercenaries would be joining the battle :P Not quite sure what I'll do about that. Maybe I'll load up the lake with lots of scary aquatic monsters... or just disallow Kaukaus in the submissions. After all, the only reason to have a Kaukau in a dry environment like this is to mess up the plot.


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#15 Offline BULiK

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Posted Dec 10 2012 - 07:56 PM

I like how you outline your Squad-based combat system, JKK. I might tweak it a bit and use the basics that you clarify for my own RPG (well, if I ever make it). One thing I would add to my system is supply lines. It would be good to tell players their division will need a path for resupply caravans, and cutting off supply lines can starve and degrade your enemy. That would be a fun and realistic feature.
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#16 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Dec 10 2012 - 09:11 PM

Well, I guess I'll give a few more reviews. Though a possible return or two so I can get some return opinions and/or spread propaganda for my own RPG would be nice.

 

Review #1: The Jungle

Okay, so, it looks like we're in a prison. A little error right off the bat - it should be enjoy.

 

Other worlds? So we're talking about alien races as well. And Great Beings. And now the guards are capturing people for seemingly no reason and locking them up in the prison. So even more aliens.

 

You tell us there's factions, and that this is an intensive prison. But we're only provided two locations, and no factions off the bat.

 

There are very few rules, and few limits on powers. Paragon would like that, but... this seems to chaotic. In fact, this RPG doesn't have much structure, and it has very little plot or backstory to it. The setting needs to be fleshed out more and I'll be honest, this doesn't seem like much of a Bionicle RPG in any way other the fact the sample character is from the Matoran Universe and there's Great Beings making a giant prison out of nowhere. And absolutely no mention is made of the Shattering and the like, either, so the time this RPG takes place is impossible to determine.

 

It needs a lot of work. My advice? Try to drop the alien worlds and stuff, and probably the weird silver giants as well. It's already an inescapable prison - a well trained staff of a couple dozen Toa can take care of the rest. Making it only Bionicle races (or custom races that fit in the Matoran Universe), from the MU and Spherus Magna alike, seems good enough. Try to further develop the setting, with the locations and the like. Establish a few groups and a few more NPCs that hold control so you don't need to do it later on. And create a story while you're at it. The final thing would be to either give more rules on character creation, or just say you'll judge it on a case-by-case basis. Or both, the way I personally believe is best and choose to do.

 

You might also want to note if you want profiles posted in the Discussion, then Profiles, or straight to the Profiles topic.

 

(Final note - if you want to keep some of your backstory stuff the same as head-canon, you could just remove it and leave players out of the loop; let them wallow in the mystery)

 

Review #2: Testing Grochi's Desire to be Credited

 

How are we supposed to fly if you don't give us anything for powers?

 

I'll be briefer on this one than I could be, seeing as you've already had a few reviews and statement that mostly agree with what I've said. Except Grochi. Boy needs to be a better critic. Or maybe that's why he's more likable.

 

Now then, I have a serious question - what's holding up the cavern roof? Heck, why are we even underground at all? I mean, the only reason you did it last time was to follow the contest rules. Just move it back up on the surface. Give us a nice night and day cycle. Oh, wait, I see - giant lightstones in the sky that tell us where to find the MacGuffin.

 

Just to bring up something from the other topic, and to go on what I said before - why tell us so much about the Great Beings and there plans? Why not leave this as big of a mystery for us as it is for the Toa and the others. They shouldn't no about the experiment, after all. Give us a little mystery, please, Lord Exposition.

 

Areas are areas, and let them remain that way.

 

On the Order of Light - you assume a lot by saying 'as the name implies'. Oh, and look, they fear power. How quaint.

 

Can I wear a powerless mask? And by powerless mask, I mean a mask that has absolutely no powers, and is in all respects just like the common mask people wear at fairs? Do I gain better elemental powers if my character wears scuba gear?

 

Eh, I'm done.

 

Review #3: Beneath Their Eyes

 

So, basically, this is the situation - somebody took the guns from Ghostbusters, and named them RPG and Comedy. And then they crossed the streams, and now you're trying to make the basic premise of a comedy, including my personal favorite, and trying to write an RPG.

 

Dogs are easily distracted by posters of Michael Vick, so I don't see the problem.

 

Where do you live that rich people live in apartment complexes?

 

Okay, so, seriously - after reading this, my honest opinion is no. Sure, it's Bionicle, but... oh, I'll just be honest. I have a toy character, and he's a character in a comedy, not an RPG. IT seems out of place, and I can't see it really working as a serious RPG. And I don't have much desire to play a comedy RPG. That aside, it seems functional.  I would like more details to be placed and the like, and for a first RPG you put some work into it.

 

I'll leave everything else to Zakaro.

 

~~~~~~~

 

More later? Maybe, maybe not.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#17 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Dec 11 2012 - 03:07 PM

 

I'll be briefer on this one than I could be, seeing as you've already had a few reviews and statement that mostly agree with what I've said. Except Grochi. Boy needs to be a better critic. Or maybe that's why he's more likable.

 

 

 

Don't knock Grochi just because he isn't as nitpicky as you.

 

 

Now then, I have a serious question - what's holding up the cavern roof? Heck, why are we even underground at all? I mean, the only reason you did it last time was to follow the contest rules. Just move it back up on the surface. Give us a nice night and day cycle. Oh, wait, I see - giant lightstones in the sky that tell us where to find the MacGuffin.

 

Well, if there's no way to escape from it even if you're a Toa of Stone, I don't think we're dealing with regular rock. And also, I made the setting underground, I did not want to massively change it.

 

 

 

Just to bring up something from the other topic, and to go on what I said before - why tell us so much about the Great Beings and there plans? Why not leave this as big of a mystery for us as it is for the Toa and the others. They shouldn't no about the experiment, after all. Give us a little mystery, please, Lord Exposition.

 

There is mystery hidden behind the mystery revealed, and the revealed mystery, being already revealed, is rather pointless to hide now. But yeah, there is mystery.

 

 

On the Order of Light - you assume a lot by saying 'as the name implies'. Oh, and look, they fear power. How quaint.

 

I'm rewriting them to have a lot more storyline significance.

 

 

Can I wear a powerless mask? And by powerless mask, I mean a mask that has absolutely no powers, and is in all respects just like the common mask people wear at fairs? Do I gain better elemental powers if my character wears scuba gear?

 

No masks whatsoever. A powerless mask makes you as strong and as powerful as a regular toa, just minus the power. By nature scuba gear, unless designed in like principle to Kanohi, do not fit the bill.


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#18 Online Last Son Amakusa

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Posted Dec 11 2012 - 07:31 PM

These are my reviews of each of the RPGs.

 

Waves of the South: Alter Securi

 

This seems to be a carbon copy/extremely close sequel of the original Waves. I can understand this; I don't really have a problem with it. However, a few things caught my eye.

 

The Misty Island: what bars us from returning to the main island? This would bar gameplay in my opinion.

 

Forgotten Island: restricting it to only those who discovered it last game seems very restricting as well. 

 

Biology: I thought it was established that matoran are built?

 

Character slots: This RPG seems to heavily favor players of the previous one.

 

Controlled time: I can understand why you do this. The timestream getting messed up can be quite a problem. It's restricting, but I for one prefer that this time. However, if you're on a boat and you're travelling across the map, your character can get stuck in non-plot for a VERY long time.

 

 

 

Descent:

This is probably my favorite of the RPGs so far but it still has its problems.

 

WHAT THE FREAK happened here? The backstory of the RPG is quite vague. Why are they fighting?

 

So ANY species is allowed? I could play as a Krahka?

 

If EP plays such a large role here, does that mean that its sapient form will appear ingame?

 

So the Avo-Kra line prevents total mayhem from breaking out? Like the Great Wall of China?

 

 

The Jungle:

The premise is interesting. Some things:

 

You said that the Exast invaded multiple worlds. Wouldn't that mean that it would be under attack everyday by a fleet of Star destroyers intent on getting their people back? And if beings from multiple worlds were taken, why are the species limited to BIONICLE species?

 

I thought beings had armor permanently built into their bodies? Sure there's removable stuff but matoran/etc have some plating on them.

 

What are the Exast? You said that you can play as a guard; does this mean that you play as an Exast?

 

 

Testing Conflict

I like the "Kanohi" quest system, but the rest of the story...

 

[color=#ff0000;]But there is more, as these Beings know; all that is rational is unstable, and therefore unstable must stabilize unstable. A balance to the seemingly perfect race they have is found in the element of threat, and so the races of Rahkshi are created, to balance and protect, and in dire necessity, to exterminate.[/color]

 

Two wrongs don't make a right? And this doesn't exactly match up with the portrayal of rahkshi gameplay wise; for all that i know, being a rahkshi means that you destroy everything that you see.

 

So the purpose of this test is to check what limits the toa and the rahkshi can go to?

 

Remind me again: Why aren't Light, Shadow, Magnetism, Iron, Plasma, Psionics, and Gravity playable? And shouldn't Iron be playable seeing as their was an iron tribe?

 

Only 8 rahkshi powers?

 

[color=#ff0000;]Each (real time) week, six new caches and Kanohi will be added, regardless of whether or not the previous caches and Kanohi have been claimed.[/color]

 

Does this mean that the old ones are deleted?

 

[color=#ff0000;]Maybe even an occasional Nuva mask thrown in[/color]

 

But wouldn't they be unusable?

 

What is the exact nature of NPCs?

 

 

Beneath Their Eyes

I always assumed that Bionicle RPG meant taking place in either the Bionicle universe (Hunted, Waves, etc) or in some alternate universe (Day Run, Violet Orange). So when I first read this, I was like WHAT THE HECK? In the human world?

 

What is the role of the transformers in the game? Will they appear ingame?

 

So no playing as humans? And when a human enters the room, freeze?

 

Wait, TACTICUS is internet based? Bionicles can use computers?

 

Economy crash? What happened? Is it like in Aftermath where the Bionicles rob a bank?

 

Toy store as hospital: Wouldn't the shop owners notice parts disappearing?

 

Wouldn't the mailman find the TACTICUS base?

 

The assumption that kids mainly build toa and glatorian seems a bit restricting. And since these are MOCs, kids could tack a label onto anything, so we may have a Cthulu shaped toa, among other things.

 

[color=#ff0000;]Your Bionicle Characters live in a Human town. They are created by humans, and certain traits are taken from them. While we don't have reproduction in this game, we do have age, and we have food. All your characters need to EAT. Whether this is a Hamburger from McDonalds, or a 12 oz. Rib-Eye Steak from a 5 star restaurant, it is required. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner are guidelines. You don't need them, but you need the food.[/color]

 

*Imagines 12 inch action figure eating a burger* The ratio between serving size and body size is a bit off...

 

 

Thirst of Carto-Nui

Interesting, three tribes competing for water. Let's hope this RPG doesn't become reality...

 

If we can play as toa of water, then couldn't the village have a toa who's only job is to make water all day?

 

That point pertains to this one; What are the limits on species and elements? Right now it seems that all 16 elements are allowed and any canon species is as well.

 

 

Dystopian

Very intriguing. This is another one of my favorites. However, there are a few things that I have to comment on.

 

What happened to the rest of the MU? I mean, if an army of rahkshi marches up from Destral, or immigrants come from the Northern Continent, or a member of the Masses wants to visit his family and friends on Stelt, or if the Dark hunters are hired and come up from Odina, etc.

 

And the surveillance system has one flaw: Macku's canoes. If a person's job requires them to sail out to the far seas everyday (fishing), they could choose to not come back one day and go through the sea gates instead. And then next week, they come back with an army of toa.

 

Because of the nature of this rpg, it seems tempting to start importing religions and philosophies into this game. We could have the likes of Aristotle, Confucius, Moses, Muhammad, Hermes Trismetigus, Aleister Crowly, etc spring up. What then?

 

 

Lepidus's unnamed RPG

Back to the old days, good and simple. There isn't really much that I feel the need to comment on, which is good, but which is also bad. It seems a bit underdeveloped in comparison to the other entries.


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#19 Offline CaptainLepidus

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Posted Dec 11 2012 - 07:35 PM

Thanks for the comment. I'm not really sure what to add, however, to my entry. I of course must flesh out combat, but I'm not sure how to go about that.

 

I could write some prose though, to introduce the story better. Perhaps from Jaller's perspective... :smilejala:


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Legacy of the Great Beings - Continuing the story of BIONICLE from where the serials left off.


#20 Offline Jedi Knight Krazy

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Posted Dec 11 2012 - 07:43 PM

Thirst of Carto-Nui

Interesting, three tribes competing for water. Let's hope this RPG doesn't become reality...

 

If we can play as toa of water, then couldn't the village have a toa who's only job is to make water all day?

 

That point pertains to this one; What are the limits on species and elements? Right now it seems that all 16 elements are allowed and any canon species is as well.

</endquote>

 

Yeah, I haven't fully thought through everything as for as characters go. The point you bring up with the Toa of Water is interesting because that's exactly what the Le-Matoran had in mind when they tried (and failed) to give their Toa Stone to the Ga-Matoran. I'm mostly relying on the approval process to avoid anyone creating characters specifically designed to exploit the scenario. I'd say that a Toa of Water in this game would have to be like Gali - controlling non-protodermic water which is undrinkable unless you've got a thousand years to adapt to it, like the Mata-Nui islanders.

 

So yes, every element, species, and power is allowed unless I determine that your character breaks my game. :P


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#21 Offline The Otter

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Posted Dec 11 2012 - 09:32 PM

I love all the people coming in here and jumping about, wondering more about Descent, when I was just arguing with Lev for the heck of it and plan to have a full revision out on my birthday.

 

Also, Constructman, for the Forgotten Island, it's so far out of the way that nobody except those who found it last game will know where it is, and be able to go back to it, seeing as they never even left. As well, for the Misty Island, you can't go back to the Yheyn from it because it's so far away that, going cross-current and cross-wind and everything else from there, as well as the time it would take to get there anyways, you quite frankly wouldn't have time enough, within the RPG, to get back to the mainland. After that, who knows what alien diseases you might have contracted while you were down there? They won't want you back because they don't want to risk something like that.


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#22 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Dec 11 2012 - 10:33 PM

 

Waves of the South: Alter Securi

 

This seems to be a carbon copy/extremely close sequel of the original Waves. I can understand this; I don't really have a problem with it. However, a few things caught my eye.

 

The Misty Island: what bars us from returning to the main island? This would bar gameplay in my opinion.

 

Forgotten Island: restricting it to only those who discovered it last game seems very restricting as well. 

 

Biology: I thought it was established that matoran are built?

 

Character slots: This RPG seems to heavily favor players of the previous one.

 

Controlled time: I can understand why you do this. The timestream getting messed up can be quite a problem. It's restricting, but I for one prefer that this time. However, if you're on a boat and you're travelling across the map, your character can get stuck in non-plot for a VERY long time.

 

 

 

That might be because it is a direct sequel to Waves of the South. :P The term 'Alter Securi' is the closest I could get to a Latin term for 'The Second Part'. Or something like that. I don't even remember my logical anymore; the point is, it could easily just be called Waves of the South because that's what it is. And assuming I get it to win a second round, I will submit the third act of the play and end the storyline as would be proper.

 

Grochi nicely states why those areas can't be reached. The Forgotten Island isn't that big - the ocean is. Players can look for it, but that would be metagaming, because it's Forgotten. If they did find the island, it wouldn't be the same island. The Misty Island is... much bigger. Much bigger than anyone knows, as a matter of fact. Maybe. It's closer than most of the other islands to the south, as well. But if you head there, you can't get back because it's too far away, and you're basically leaving the game and entering a new one when you're doing it. Another storyline. Really, the only reason I made it explorable to all, rather than those who found it before, is because it's part of the story. Forgotten Island is just a sidequest.

 

The biology part... yes, it is. Doesn't mean anybody on this forum follows it. One of the main characters in the last Techna spent most of the game pregnant. I am not writing a drama, or a soap opera. Thus, we're staying mostly canon. A few differences.

 

I make no attempts to hide that. In any RPG I write, I will provide an extra character slot to somebody who played others of the same series. Why? So they can have more options in making characters that they thought of during the last RPG but couldn't actually use without killing another character. There's another thing - as a story develops, more characters are introduced. New players represent a portion of these. Those from the old players should represent others. This is the second act of the story, which means a lot of new allies and enemies will be made known.

 

I'll try not to get too strong about upholding the laws of time. Whatever strengthens the narrative will help. Just so you know, though - destiny has negative weight in Waves. The more plot you're carrying, the faster you'll be moving. My goal is to provide you numerous plot hooks so one might interest you. When it does, you can follow it deeper and deeper and move faster and faster to the climactic end.

 

 

 

Don't knock Grochi just because he isn't as nitpicky as you.

 

Hey, I don't knock except when I do it three times. Then people start blowing up and wearing fezzes.

 

 

 

No masks whatsoever. A powerless mask makes you as strong and as powerful as a regular toa, just minus the power. By nature scuba gear, unless designed in like principle to Kanohi, do not fit the bill.

 

What if my character is an actor who is famous for wearing strange and exotic masks during the plays that he rights which are not Kanohi masks but are in fact masks in the same respect that the strange amalgamation of feathers and carboard I made for the Day of the Dead in Spanish class this year is a mask?

 

 

 

There is mystery hidden behind the mystery revealed, and the revealed mystery, being already revealed, is rather pointless to hide now. But yeah, there is mystery.

 

Mystery or no mystery, you'd cut down 85% of problems I've seen people having with your RPG by getting rid of the thing about the Great Beings. Just give us the backstory as far as our characters would know. That's my opinion.

 

 

EDIT:

 

I love all the people coming in here and jumping about, wondering more about Descent, when I was just arguing with Lev for the heck of it and plan to have a full revision out on my birthday.

 

 

Happy birthday to you?

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


Edited by Toa Levacius Zehvor, Dec 11 2012 - 10:34 PM.

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#23 Offline JL Zehvor

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Posted Dec 12 2012 - 12:44 AM

Beneath Their Eyes

I always assumed that Bionicle RPG meant taking place in either the Bionicle universe (Hunted, Waves, etc) or in some alternate universe (Day Run, Violet Orange). So when I first read this, I was like WHAT THE HECK? In the human world?

 

What is the role of the transformers in the game? Will they appear ingame?

 

So no playing as humans? And when a human enters the room, freeze?

 

Wait, TACTICUS is internet based? Bionicles can use computers?

 

Economy crash? What happened? Is it like in Aftermath where the Bionicles rob a bank?

 

Toy store as hospital: Wouldn't the shop owners notice parts disappearing?

 

Wouldn't the mailman find the TACTICUS base?

 

The assumption that kids mainly build toa and glatorian seems a bit restricting. And since these are MOCs, kids could tack a label onto anything, so we may have a Cthulu shaped toa, among other things.

 

Your Bionicle Characters live in a Human town. They are created by humans, and certain traits are taken from them. While we don't have reproduction in this game, we do have age, and we have food. All your characters need to EAT. Whether this is a Hamburger from McDonalds, or a 12 oz. Rib-Eye Steak from a 5 star restaurant, it is required. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner are guidelines. You don't need them, but you need the food.

 

*Imagines 12 inch action figure eating a burger* The ratio between serving size and body size is a bit off...

 

1. Yes, human world.

2. This game, being in the human world, has references, but thats just about it. References.

3. No playing as humans. That could be eventually allowed, but only on special occasions. Also, no need to 'freeze'. Just assume that Humans don't venture into certain places, and for places like the mall, the Bionicle's would prefer to stay away.

4. Guess you can say that.And yeah, the same way humans use computers. Except less web-caming, and typing is different.

5. You'll learn if you play.

6-7. Not really, no.

8. Thats why we have custom species'

9. Yes, it is. I guess they could, like, steal fries or something.


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#24 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Dec 12 2012 - 10:50 AM

What if my character is an actor who is famous for wearing strange and exotic masks during the plays that he rights which are not Kanohi masks but are in fact masks in the same respect that the strange amalgamation of feathers and carboard I made for the Day of the Dead in Spanish class this year is a mask?

 

Nope. The only way to get Kanohi is though the caches or kanohi deposits. The toa do not have the technology needed to create kanohi of their own.

 

 

Mystery or no mystery, you'd cut down 85% of problems I've seen people having with your RPG by getting rid of the thing about the Great Beings. Just give us the backstory as far as our characters would know. That's my opinion.

 

I already managed to remove every problem TPTI raised, although the rectifications are currently secret. Nonetheless, I'll think about this.


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#25 Offline Evex_Wolfwing

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Posted Dec 12 2012 - 11:42 AM

[color=#2f4f4f;][font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Don't have the time to write a full review, but [/color][/font][color=#000000;][font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Claustrophobia [/color][/font][color=#2f4f4f;][font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]has caught my attention, and I have a few things to say. [/color][/font]

 

[color=#2f4f4f;][font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]First of all, I love this idea. The post-apoc has always interested me.[/color][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(47,79,79);]You have made it clear that the Gangs are comprised of many different factions, but how are we supposed to know who works for who? Sure, we can say that we work for the one guy in Ta-Metru, but what about the other gangs? We have very little information on them. All I think you would need is a small list, a name for each group, and about a sentence or two saying who is incharge and what makes them special.[/color][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(47,79,79);]There isn't much info on who is in charge of the Feds, either. (Also the name made me lol.)[/color][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(47,79,79);]Also, what about the Dark Hunters? What about the Order of Mata Nui? I doubt those two groups would just leave the city be. What is to keep one of them from coming in and taking over, especcially if Metru-Nui is so important to the survival of Mata Nui?[/color][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(47,79,79);]Overall I like the idea here, and I think that this could win. Just needs a bit more. There may be other things that I missed, but I'll get to them if others don't first.[/color][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(47,79,79);]Again, good luck. This one is rooting for you.[/color][/font]


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