Hello everyone! It is I, Lewa0111 Nuva, back to the forums once again! As you are probably aware if you've read my blog or the first chapter of TNI, I've decided to rewrite the early chapters of most of my first comedies, since the old chapters were terribly low-quality and embarrassing, especially by my current standards. After the first few chapters, the remainder of the chapters of this comedy will be reposted mostly verbatim from the original so I can get right away to work writing new chapters! Unfortunately, as a result of the hackings/archive purge, the original classic is no longer available online. I am working on ways to restore it, but for now I suppose we'll have to make do with our memories. 'Tis a sad day.
Also, even though these chapters are remakes of the original chapters, I will be accepting new questions for Matau! I will still be using the original questions sent in for the chapters I'm rewriting, but in addition to that I will also add new questions to the chapters if I receive them. Any "storyline" segments of the comedy will remain the same, though, and the characters and their amusing quirks will likewise stay the same. So, let's begin!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 1: Embarrassing Moments
*Matau is seated behind an empty desk in the living room of his house, which has several large posters of himself on the walls*
Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! ...I always wanted to loud-shout that. Welcome to Ask Matau! That's the show where you send me questions and I answer them in hilarious ways! So, first things first, let's begin. Computer, how many messages for--hey, wait a second! Where's my computer?
Orkahm: It still hasn't been delivered yet, Matau!
Matau: Where'd you come from? You're not even in this comedy!
Orkahm: I thought this was Ask Orkahm, no?
Matau: ...No, it isn't.
Orkahm: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
Matau: Why did he just throw leaves at me? Oh well. *brushes off the leaves* Anyway, if I don't have a computer, I suppose there's nothing left to do but wait for the Metru Nui Postal Service Matoran to show up!
*A Vohtarak walks in*
Vohtarak: Hey Matau! Did the computer come in yet? I want to play MNOG!
Matau: No, we're still waiting. And I already told you, you'll have to wait until my show is over, because I need the computer to answer questions with!
Vohtarak: Okay, fine. Just don't forget to tell me when it comes in! *walks into kitchen*
Matau: Oh, that's right. I forgot to mention that I adopted one of each Visorak after Vakama set them free. Pretty stupid of him, really, he could have had his own private army and taken over the world! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA-- Okay, that was bizarre.
Matau: *opens door* Here it is! Finally!
Metru Nui Postal Service Matoran (MNPSM): One package, straight from Onu-Metru Electronics, for a Mr. Metru.
Matau: My last name isn't "Metru!" But yes, that's me.
MNPSM: Here you go. *drops package on Matau, who gets crushed flat by the weight and leaves*
Matau: Ouch...I ordered a computer, not leaves!
MNPSM: Oh, but Onu-Metru Electronics is doing a promotion. Buy one computer at
W599 or higher and get a free pile of leaves!
Matau: Fine, I'll douse them in cheese and feed them to Roporak I guess. Thanks, random Matoran!
MNPSM: You're welcome! Bye!
Matau: *pushes box off of himself* That was odd. But at least I've got my computer now! Let's open it up!
Matau: Ah, I finally got my computer set up! Time to start it up and...hey, wait a minute, it's white? What do they think this is, Ask Nuju The Nerd? Time to make some adjustments!
*Matau pulls out a bottle of Metru green spray paint and uses it to spray the computer...and the walls...and the ceiling...and himself...and the whole house*
Matau: Uh...maybe I got carried away? Who cares, let's just start this computer!
Computer: You have 3 new messages.
Matau: YOU CAN TALK!? AAAH! TALKING COMPUTER!
Computer: No, I can't talk. I was just telling you how many messages there are.
Matau: Oh, okay. ...Hey, wait a minute, you just talked! Just now!
Computer: No I didn't!
Matau: Oh, just shut up. Anyway, on to the e-mails. Computer, first question.
Have you ever gone out with Nokama?
From, Not Onewa
Matau: Do I really have to answer this?
Keelerak: Well, it is a show called "Ask Matau..."
Matau: You Visorak are so annoying.
Keelerak: Well, it's true!
Matau: Doesn't make it any less annoying. Anyway, to answer your question, yes, I have gone out with Nokama. There was this one time, for example, when we went to a restaurant...actually, let's just start a flashback!
*Nokama and Matau are at a table at the "Coliseum Cafe," a really fancy restaurant, and Matau is wearing a tie*
Random Matoran #35: *dressed as a waiter* What would you like to eat, sir and madam?
Matau: Nokama, ladies first!
Nokama: Why, thank you, Matau! Let's see, I think I'll have...hmm...well, this grilled Kane-Ra dinner looks good...actually, no, maybe the Vuata Maca salad...never mind, I think maybe...*Five hours later*
Nokama: ...no, no, scratch that, I might want the Kikanalo Taco...wait, never mind, I think I prefer the...
Nokama: ...no, no, wait, I've got it. I'll have the fish platter.
Matau: *muttering* That took long enough...
RM#35: Okay. And you, sir?
Matau: I'll have the fried Muaka drumstick dinner.
RM#35: Very well, let me just write down your order... *accidentally grabs Matau's tie instead of his pencil*
Matau: *choking noises* Can't...breathe! Help!
Nokama: > Matau, would you stop clowning around?
Nokama: This isn't funny, Matau!
*Kongu, seated at the table behind them, stands up and snaps a picture of Matau*
Nokama: Is something wrong, Matau?
*Random Matoran #35 lets go of the tie, which smacks into Matau, slingshotting him out the window and sending him flying all the way across Metru Nui, smashing into the Prison of the Dark Hunters and smashing into Nidhiki and Krekka, and all three of them fly all the way around the world and land back in the Coliseum Cafe, landing on top of Nokama*
Nokama: MATAU!! I SAID STOP CLOWNING AROUND!!
Krekka: Uh...what's that word I'm supposed to say when it hurts again? Oh yeah: "Ow!"
Matau: IT WASN'T FUNNY! And by the way, Kongu was in for a lot of pain that evening... Okay, enough embarrassing flashbacks, next question!
Computer: Displaying Question 2.
How come in Legends of Metru Nui you kept bumping into things whenever Nokama was around?
From, Definitely Not Onewa
Matau: What are you talking about? I never bumped into things, ever! Computer, next ques--
Keelerak: Hold it! Here, Matau, let's watch the movie.
*Keelerak pulls out a DVD of LoMN and puts it in the DVD player, skipping to a scene*
Vakama (voiceover): ...It was an age when brave Matoran like Matau would selflessly test the latest innovations with foolhardy courage!
Matau: *riding a vehicle* Whoa! *breaks steering handle* Whoops!
*Matau's vehicle crashes into something and Matau goes flying*
Matau: That doesn't count, Nokama wasn't around!
Keelerak: She was in the stands!
Matau: Okay, fine. So I crashed ONCE. Big deal.
Nokama: Come on! *leaps perfectly into chute*
Matau: What are you waiting for? *pushes Vakama in, who also somehow lands perfectly in the chute*
*Matau jumps in*
Matau: Woohoohoohoo! Whoahahaha!
Matau: ...Okay, fine, so I crashed into something twice when Nokama was around. That doesn't mean anything!
Keelerak: We'll see... *skips to another scene*
Matau: Phew. That was clo--o--ooooose!
Matau: AAAAAAAAAAH! *sees ground approaching very quickly* Uh-oh.
*Matau's weapons suddenly transform into wings*
Vakama: Has he found his mask power?
Matau: Woo-hoo! Look at me! I can--*SPLAT!*
Nokama: Maybe not.
Matau: Okay, I admit it! I crashed into things a lot! Happy?
Oohnorak: No, you still didn't answer the question!
Matau: Fine. Well, I crashed into things because I was distracted by Nokama's charm! Anybody would be distracted if she was around!
Keelerak: Vakama wasn't.
Matau: He was too busy blaming himself for everything, that's why. Computer, next question!
What was your most embarrassing moment? And can you send me a video clip so that I can NOT send it to Nokama to make her go out with Onewa instead of you?
From, No This Is Totally Not Onewa Whatever Made You Think Of That?
Matau: Well, my most embarrassing moment? Let's see, that would have to be... *reads the rest of the question* Hey, wait a minute. Something seems suspicious. Nice try, Onewa! Computer, respond to this message.
Computer: Sending your reply now.
*At Onewa's house...*
Onewa's Computer: You've got mail!
Onewa: Awesome! I bet it's Matau's most embarrassing moment. Let's read.
Here's a file like you requested. Just open it right away, okay?
From, "Not Matau"
[Attached file: C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/LiteralElementsPlus/literalairmail.exe]
Onewa: Awesome, let's open that file and...
Computer: You've got Literal Air Mail!
Onewa: What the--AAH! *A tornado erupts from his computer and blasts him into the wall*
Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,381 words.
Edited by Lewa0111 Nuva, Feb 28 2014 - 01:14 PM.