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Glatorian of Bara Magna: Curse of the Grey Crystal

Bara Magna X-Ray Strakk Gresh

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#1 Offline X-Ray

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Posted Dec 02 2012 - 07:02 PM

[color=#008080;]And now, after a very long time, I hearby present the next chapter of Glatorian of Bara Magna: Curse of the Grey Crystal. The old thread can be found here: [/color]http://www.bzpower.c...7

 

Chapter 14: Gresh's Ultimatum

 

Below the deck of the Barricade, the blast of a cannon had knocked a beam across the door of Gresh's cabin. He noticed some writing on it: Made in Hong Kong.

 

Of course, he thought. He tried with all his might to dislodge the beam, but it was no use. Water began to fill the room, and Gresh could not get the door to budge. Suddenly, he heard a noise from behind him. It was the cursed sand ray. It had grabbed the medallion from where Gresh had left it on the table, and then darted through a hole in the bulkhead. Perfect, thought Gresh.

 

Gresh treaded water, the water coming up to his neck now. In desperation, he took a deep breath and dived below the water.

 

Meanwhile, up on deck, the sand ray raced past Strakk, who saw that the animal had the medallion. He pursued it, running over the Barricade's fallen mast over to the Grey Crystal. He was about to snatch the medallion from the sand ray's... paw, when another hand reached down and grabbed it.

 

Strakk looked up into the face of Barbonesa, who gave him an unpleasant grin. "Why, thank you, Strakk," said the glatorian captain.

 

"You're welcome," Strakk replied grimly.

 

"Not you," said Barbonesa, the sand ray now perched on his shoulder. "We named the sand ray Strakk."

 

It seemed that all was lost. The Barricade was sinking fast, the crew was being rounded up, and the glatorian had stolen the sattelite TV equipment from the Barricade. Finally, Tarix singalled their surrender as Barbonesa raised the medallion high up into the air. "The prize is ours!" he shouted, to the cheers of his crew.

 

Tarix, Manaria, Tarduk, Kiina, and the rest of the crew were roughly brought aboard the Grey Crystal and tied to the mast by Kirbraz and Scodonius.

 

"Any of you so much as thinks the word 'parley' and I'll have your guts for garters!" said Kirbraz, holding his thornax launcher to them.

 

Suddenly, a huge explosion ripped through the battered hull of the Barridcade, somehow not sending harming anyone with all the shrapnel and debris it sent flying everywhere.

 

There, standing on the rail of the Barricade, soaking wet, was Gresh, alive and well and pointing a thornax launcher at Barbonesa's head. "She goes free!" he shouted.

 

"How did you manage to survive that explosion and drowning besides?" yelled Barbonesa, quite puzzled.

 

"That's not important!" shouted back Gresh. "Now let my gi- eh, Kiina, go!"

 

"What's in your head, boy?" said Barbonesa. "You've got one shot... and we can't die. Furthermore, how do you expect to hit the broad side of a barn from that distance? In the orignal movie, it would hae been impossible with a flintlock pistol-"

 

"You can't. Die, I mean," said Gresh, putting the thornax launcher to his chin. "But I can. My name is Gresh Tesner," he announced. "My father was Shoelace Sean Tesner. His blood runs in my veins!"

 

Every glatorian on deck looked a Gresh in surprise, but Strakk only shook his head in dismay.

 

"Why, it's the spitting image of old Shoelace, come back to haunt us!" said Scodonius, quivering slightly.

 

"Name your terms, Mr. Tesner," said Barbonesa flatly. He knew that if Gresh pulled the trigger, he and his crew would be cursed forever.

 

"Kiina goes free!" Gresh answered.

 

"Yes, we know that one," said Barbonesa, glancing down at his phone. He was looking forward to a game of Angry Birds. "Anything else?"

 

Unfortunately, Gresh hadn't thought that far ahead, nor had he read the script. "And Strakk," he finally said. "He goes free too. And the crew, they're not to be harmed! Agree!" he demanded as he leaned out over the water.

 

"Agreed," said Barbonesa, pocketing his phone. "You have my word at a gentleman of fortune."

 

"You can't trust him!" shouted Kiina, having learned from her own mistake.

 

"You can trust this," Barbonesa said through ground teeth. "Pull that trigger and the girl will be the first to suffer- and the last to die!"

 

Gresh slowly lowered the thornax launcher. Glatorian immediatly swarmed him, dragging him over to the deck of the Crystal. Fearing what might happen next, Strakk stepped over to Barbonesa. "What about our bargain?" he said.

 

"What bargain?" said Barbonesa, puzzled. "I caught you, and then you escaped after a witty repartee. We never worked anything out. I've got the Crystal, and I've got the child of Shoelace Sean now. And you've got" -he glared hard at Strakk, jealous of his advantage of height- "nothing to bargain with."

 

Barbonesa then clapped Strakk on the back and said, "But no worries, Strakk. See that island over there?" Barbonesa asked, pointing to a spit of sandwashed sand in the distance. "If memory serves, it be the same one we made you governor of on our last trip. I'll wager that by whatever miracle you escaped before, you won't be able to conjure it up again. For you or the girl!"

 

"Barbonesa, you cool dude!" yelled Gresh from his spot on the deck, being restrained by the glatorian. "You swore she'd go free! And darn you, word filter!"

 

"Aye, so I did," said Barbonesa, "and so they will. But you never made any specific mention of when nor where."

 

Gresh struggled furiously against the glatorian who held him back. He'd been duped."

 

"Men!" Barbonesa shouted to the crew. "We are going to proceed to throw historical accuracy out the window! The plank!"

 

To be continued...


Edited by X-Ray, Dec 06 2012 - 10:21 PM.

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#2 Offline Onarax

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Posted Dec 04 2012 - 02:33 AM

Well, having re-read the rest of the comedy again, I must say that you have improved immensely in the year and two-thirds since the last chapter.Will continue following this.
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#3 Offline Meta-Mind

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Posted Dec 04 2012 - 07:54 PM

Let me guess: "this is a tale of Captain Strakk Marrow," right?   :P

 

That aside, this is an amusing parody.  Especially because I now imagine Strakk walking like Jack Sparrow.


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BZPRPG TIME, where you could have one post talk about dinner, and the next about lunch.

Time is beyond relative here.

There's no reason not to put lasers in the palms of planet-sized robots. In fact, if I had my own planet-sized robot, palm lasers would be one of my first upgrades. It's good for self-defense if you're attacked by something big.

BZPRPG Profiles

#4 Offline X-Ray

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Posted Dec 09 2012 - 10:44 PM

Chapter 15: The Island

 

A... shark's fin glided past the Grey Crystal as Strakk, hands tied behind his back, stood on the plank. "You know," said Strakk to Barbonesa, "pirates in real life probably never used the whole walking the plank routine."

 

"Shut up!" said Barbonesa. "We be following the script that Vore Gerbinski's provided."

 

Getting back to the script, Strakk said to Barbonesa, "Last time you left me a thornax launcher with one shot," looking over the side. One more step would land him in the company of the sharks below.

 

"By the powers, you're right!" said Barbonesa, enjoying the moment. "Where's Strakk's launcher?" he asked the crew. "Bring it forward!"

 

"Seeing that there's two of us," said Strakk, nodding at Kiina, "a gentleman would give us two launchers."

 

"It will be one launcher as before," said Barbonesa, taking Strakk's thornax launcher from one of the glatorian, "and you can be the gentlman, and shoot the lady, and starve to death yourself."

 

The glatorian hooted with laughter as Barbonesa took Strakk's thornax launcher and tossed it over the side. Strakk suddenly felt the point of a sword at his back and stumbled off the edge of the plank. He plunged-

 

Hold it! Cut!

 

Mr. Gerbinksi, what is it?

 

Fero's supposed to throw away his other weapons off the edge too, and Strakk is supposed to dive off after them.

 

I see. Stupid incomplete novelization. Okay people, new take!

 

The glatorian hooted with laughter as Barbonesa took Strakk's thornax launcher, Ice Axe, helmet, compass, and diary ("Hey!") and tossed it over the side. Strakk dived after his stuff, landing in the water with a plunge.

 

Wait, how could he have dived if his hands were tied up?

 

Uh... he's a really good diver?

 

Right, Mr. Gerbinski.

 

"The lady's next!" shouted Barbonesa.

 

The glatorian took Kiina by both arms. She remained calm. She showed the glatorian no fear as she stepped onto the plank (she wasn't a good enough actress). She turned once and looked back at Gresh. She was about to say something to him when Tellurius shook the plank and she tumbled off the end.

 

Bubbles formed around Kiina as she plunged into the sea. She opened her eyes under water and she saw fish scatter in all directions. Then she looked up and saw the circling sharks- hammerheads, their dark shapes gliding through the warm turquoise water.

 

She held her breath, turning her head and looking for Strakk. She saw him swimming toward the bottom, looking for his paraphernalia, his hands still tied behind his back. She dove down, grabbed at the ropes, and untied him.

 

Strakk immediatly swam to the bottom, ran his hands through the sand, and found his stuff.

 

Kiina began to swim for the surface, but Strakk grabbed her ankle and jerked her back down. She struggled, then looked at Strakk, who was shaking his head, pointing up at the sharks.

 

Strakk forced Kiina to swim along with him along the bottom with him until they reached the reef. Finally, they both surfaced, choking and gasping for air.

 

"Why?" coughed Kiina, not understanding why Strakk had held her under.

 

"Sharks attack from below," he said, breathing hard. She nodded grimly.

 

Strakk turned and looked out at sea. The Grey Crystal was quickly moving away under full sail. "That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away with my ship!" he said angrily.

 

"But you were marrooned on this island before, weren't you?" asked Kiina. "So we can escape in the same way you did then."

 

"To what point and purpose, young missy?" said Strakk, looking over shoulder at Kiina as they waded through the shallows to the island. "The Grey Crystal is gone and unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice - unlikely - young Mr. Tesner will be dead long before you can reach him."

 

"But you're Captain Strakk Gukko," said Kiina, puzzled. "You vanished from under the eyes of seven agents of the East Valley Company. You sacked Uassan Port without even firing a shot." Exasperated, Kiina said, "Are you the glatorian I've read about or not? How did you escape last time?"

 

"Patience lass, patience," said Strakk, continuing on to the island.

 

As Kiina walked the shore, Strakk took apart his thornax launcher and laid it out on his... bandanna.

 

Okay, that joke is getting old. Do they wear clothes or not, X?

 

It's supposed to be ambiguous, Mr. Gerbinski.

 

Well, find some new jokes then!

 

When it was dry, he reassembled it and began digging a deep hole.

 

"What are you doing?" Kiina asked him.

 

Strakk grabbed hold of a lare iron ring iat the bottom of the hole and began to pull.

 

"Is there a boat under there?" she asked excitedly. "Is that how you escaped the last time?"

 

"In a way," answered Strakk as he heaved a trapdoor open, revealing a deep, dark pit. Inside, he could see barrels of root beer covered with dust and cobwebs.

 

Kiina looked at the barrels. "How will this help us get away?" she asked.

 

"It won't," sighed Strakk, jumping into the pit and opening a bottle of root beer, "and so we won't."

 

"But how did you escape last time?" said Kiina insistantly.

 

Strakk sighed, and taking some bottles of root beer from the pit, and said to Kiina, "Last time, I was here a grand total of three days, all right? Last time, the root bear runners used this island as a cache, they came past and I was able to barter passage off. By the look of things, they've long been out of business. Probably have your friend Branar to thank for that."

 

"So that's it, then?" said Kiina, visibly miffed. "That's the secret, grand adventure of the infamous Strakk Gukko. You spent three days lying on a beach drinking root beer."

 

Strakk gathered a few bottles and said to Kiina, "Welcome to Bara Magna, love."

 

 

*          *          *

 

Several hours later, Strakk and Kiina were dancing around there fire wit their root beer, singing the song about glatorian that she had learned as a child.

 

"We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, we loot, Drink up, me hearties, yo ho! We kidnap, we ravage and don't give a hoot, Drink up me hearties, yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a glatorian's life for me. Yo ho, yo ho, a glatorian's life for me."

 

"I love this song! exclaimed Strakk. "We're beggars and blighters and ne'er do-well cads, drink up, me hearties, yo ho, Ayes but we're loved by our moms and our dads, drink up my hearties yo ho!"

 

The two hoisted thier bottles, but only Strakk drank. Kiina pretended to. She knew better than to drink old root beer.

 

"When I get the Grey Crystal back, I'm going to teach it to the whole crew, and we'll sing it all the time," Strakk promised, finishing off the bottle.

 

"You'll be positively the most fearsom glatorian to sail the Ateroan Main!" Kiina said.

 

"Not just the Ateroan Main," Strakk said, dreamily, "the whole ocean, the whole world. Wherever we want to go, we go. That's what a ship is, you know. Not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails. That's what a ship needs. But what a ship is, what the Grey Crystal really is, is freedom!"

 

"To freedom!" said Kiina in a toast. "Never mind that your definition of freedom apparently means breaking the law and stealing and killing."

 

"To the Grey Crystal!" said Strakk, tapping his bottle against Kiina's. Strakk happily took a last sip of root beer, leaned back, and fell asleep, passed out.

 

*          *          *

 

Strakk awoke with a huge headache the next morning. He sat up slowly and rubbed his poor head. Suddenly, he was hit with a whiff of smoke. He looked around. The whole island was on fire, and Kiina was busy pouring root beer on the blaze.

 

"No! Not good! Stop! Not good!" yelled Strakk, rleaping to his feet. "What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade... the root beer."

 

"Yes," said Kiina, "the root beer is gone."

 

"Why is the root beer gone?" asked Strakk, dismayed.

 

"One," said Kiina, "because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two, that signal is over a thousand feet high. The entire Imperial Navy is out looking for me. Do you really think there is even the slightest chance they won't see it?"

 

"Wait a minute," said Strakk, momentarily confused, "How on earth do you know that the Imperial Navy is out looking for you?"

 

"Because I read my script!" said Kiina, tossing another root beer bottle onto the fire.

 

"But why is the root beer gone?" said Strakk.

 

"Just wait Captain Gukko," said Kiina. "You give it one hour, maybe two; keep a weather eye out and you will see white sails on that horizon."

 

Strakk momentarily considered shooting Kiina with his one shot thornax launcher, but decided against it. If the Royal Navy did show up, he didn't want to be in even more hot water. Instead, Strakk threw his hands in the air and stalked off in a huff. He climbed to the top of a dune and looked out to sea, muttering to himself, "'Must have been terrible for you to be trapped here Strakk. Must have been terrible for you.' Well it darn is now!" When he reached the top of the dune, he stared out at the ocean for a moment, shaking his head. Then, suddenly, on the horizon, he saw white sails. Can't be! he thought. But sure enough, it was. The Resilient was headed to the island. They'd seen the signal and were on their way to rescue Kiina.

 

"There'll be no living with her after this!" Strakk grumbled to himself.

 

NEXT: The first step in what will cummulate in the climax of the comedy! ...Followed by the second climax!


Edited by X-Ray, Dec 14 2012 - 02:17 AM.

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#5 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Dec 14 2012 - 12:19 AM

MT's review boat stops here next.

 

It's pretty obvious that quite a bit of skill went into writing this, as the dialogue is very well formed, the characters are realistic(at least, for Bionicles), and none of the situations feel contrived or forced(e.g. the story was planned out well ahead of time). I did like Chapter 15 a bit better than 14, I felt that the pacing of the jokes was better, and the overall quality of the jokes(Kiina getting frustrated at breaking the fourth wall, the bandana joke, etc.). The serious dialogue in chapter 14 seemed to drag on for too long in my opinion, and that kind of made it a chore to read, but 15 did a much better job of throwing a joke in there at the right time, giving enough comedic relief to keep the story entertaining while still managing to get across a serious plot line, and yet not feel like it simply had jokes thrown in there in a sad attempt to be funny. And for that, I definitely commend you, as that's not easy to do.

 

Bottom line, this is an excellently written prose comedy, and I hope you continue with it in the future.

 

-MT


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#6 Offline X-Ray

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Posted Dec 16 2012 - 08:14 PM

Chapter 16: Return to Isla de la Spooky

 

Once again, Strakk found himself on the deck of the Resilient, and once again, Branar was about to throw him in the brig.

 

But Kiina was still determined to save Gresh, and she knew she needed Strakk to do it.

 

A number of sailors had gathered around Strakk and were ready to clamp him in irons and force him to watch The Last Airbender when Kiina said, "Commodore, we must set out immediately for Isla de la Spooky! Captain Gukko can chart the course, but he won't from the brig."

 

Strakk nodded in agreement. "Think about it," he said to Branar. "The Grey Crystal, Barbonesa, the last real glatorian theat in Bara Magna. How can you pass that up?"

 

"Very carefully," said Branar icily.

 

Kiina could see that Commodore Branar was not convinced, nor was her father. "We are returning to Tajun," Governor Raanu Swath said, "not gallivanting after glatorian!"

 

"Wait a minute," said Strakk, confused, "why are you even here? Shouldn't you be at Tajun being the governor or something?"

 

"I'm helping to look for my daughter!" said the governor. "Besides, being governor doesn't really involve a whole lot of me doing things. Most that stuff is done by a bunch of guys sitting at desks downtown."

 

"Then we're condemning him to his death," said Kiina, and she then turned to Branar. "Commodore, I beg you. Please do this, for me. As a wedding gift."

 

Branar was shocked. "Am I to understand that you will accept my proposal of marriage on the condition that I rescue Mr. Tesner?"

 

"Not a condition," answered Kiina. "I will marry you."

 

Strakk was also shocked, and whispered to Governor Swath, "You know, it's a testament to Branar's lack of knowledge of Kiina's character that he actually buys her plea."

 

"Mr. Stronius," Commdore Branar shouted to his second-in-command.

 

"Yes sir!" said Stronius, running up to Branar.

 

Branar then said to Strakk, "Mr. Gukko, you will accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with the bearing to Isla de la Spooky. You will then spend the remainder of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase 'silent as the grave'. Do I make myself clear?"

 

"Inescapably," said Strakk with a smile.

 

 

*          *          *

 

 

Meanwhile, aboard the Grey Crystal, the crew was locked up with Gresh in the filthy brig, and Scodonius and Kirbraz were on guard duty. "Say," said Kirbraz, winking at Scodonius, "how about some backstory while we're waiting here?"

 

"Sure, why not?" said Gresh.

 

Tarix said, "Aye, I'll have it."

 

Cotton's parrot said, "Aye! Wind in your sails!"

 

"If we have to," said ManaAria glumly.

 

"You knew my father?" Gresh asked Kirbraz, while Scodonius plopped his wooden eye back in.

 

"Old Shoelace Sean?" said Kirbraz. "Aye, we knew 'im. Never sat well with ol' Shoelace, what we did to Gukko and all. That's why he sent a piece of the treasure off to you, as it were. He said that we deserved to be cursed... and remain cursed. A' course, that didnt sit too well with the captain."

 

"Tell him was Barbonesa did," said Scodonius, chuckling.

"I'm telling the story!" said Kirbraz in an angry tone of voice. "Anyhow, what Barbonesa did was tie a giant thornax launcher to Shoelace's shoelaces."

 

"Shoelace's shoelaces," snickered Scodonius.

 

"And the last we saw of ol' Vastus Tesner," finished Kirbraz, "he was sinkin' into the crushing black oblivion of Malum Jones' Locker. Course, it was only after that we learned we needed his blood to lift the curse."

 

"That's what you call ironic," said Scodonius, and he and Kirbraz both laughed.

 

At that moment, Barbonesa came down to the cell, and said to Kirbraz and Scodonius, "Bring him."

 

Strakk's crew was left in their cell as Gresh was taken by the glatorian into a longboat. They rowed with Gresh at launcher point through the fog and disappeared into the mouth of the cave.

 

 

*          *          *

 

Commodore Branar lowered his spyglass. The decks of the Grey Crystal were empty, and he didn't much like the look of the big neon sign on the island which read, "Isla de la Spooky! Open! Gift Shop!"

 

"I don't care for the situation," he said to Strakk. "Any attempt to storm the island could turn into an ambush."

 

"Not if you do the ambushing," Strakk answered. "I'll go in and convince Barbonesa to send his men out, leaving you to do nothing but stand on the deck of the Resilient and holler, 'Fire launchers!' What do you have to lose?" Strakk had left out the minor detail of the curse that made Barbonesa's crew immortal.

 

Branar reluctantly agreed and allowed Strakk to take a longboat to the island alone. But watching Strakk smile as he rowed away, he reconsidered. "Mr. Stronius, break out the longboats. Also, get ready to play a good battle song on the stereo system. 'In the End' by Linkin' Park ought to do the job."

 

 

*          *          *

 

 

Meanwhile, Kiina was desperatley trying to explain to Mr. Stronius the perilous situation they were in. "No, wait, stop! The glatorian are undead! They'll all be killed! This is Strakk Gukko's doing!"

 

"Don't worry, Miss," said Stronius with a smile."He's already been informed of that, a little mermaid flopped up on deck and told him the whole story!"

 

Kiina glared at Stronius as she the lieutenant shut the door of the captain's cabin. A few minutes later, Governor Swath came by Kiina's door and knocked on it, but there was no answer.

 

Kiina was standing before the open stern window. She had tied her bedsheets together and was lowereing herself down to a rowboat tied alongside the Resilient. "How convenient!" she said to herself.

 

The governor knocked against. "Kiina!" he said, but she was gone. In the light of the full moon, she was rowing the small boat toward the Grey Crystal.

 

 

*          *          *

 

 

Inside the cave, lit by torches and shafts of mooolight, the glatorian climbed over rocks and waded through water, pushing Gresh along.

 

"No reason to fret," Kirbraz told Gresh. "It's just the prick of a finger and a few drops of blood."

 

But Twigg was quick to correct him. "No mistakes this time," he said, looking at Gresh. "He's only half Tesner. We spill it all!"

 

Kirbraz shrugged. "I guess there is reason to fret," he said with a giggle.

 

Gresh was shoved to his knees next ot the stone chest at the center of the cavern. A glatorian pushed Gresh's head forward so that his neck was directly over the chest. Then Barbonesa put a blade to his throat. "Glatorian!" said Barbonesa in his hammiest voice, "prepare for your liberation!"

 

"Excuse me," came a voice. "Pardon me. Beg pardon."

 

Barbonesa froze in shock and anger. Strakk Gukko! The wiley glatorian was making his way through the crowd of glatorian. "It's not possible," said Barbonesa, gritting his teeth and starring at Strakk.

 

"Not probable," said Strakk, knowing that anything was possible.

 

"Strakk!" shouted Gresh, raising his head. "Where's Kiina?"

 

"She's safe," said Strakk, "just like I promised. She's all set to marry Branar, just like she promised. And you get to die for it just like you promised." Strakk then stopped to think for a moment. "So we are all men of our word really. Except for Kiina who is in fact a woman."

 

"Barbonesa pointed his knife at Strakk. "You're next!" he said as he put hte knife back to Gresh's throat.

 

"You don't want to be doing that, mate," Strakk said calmly.

 

"No, I really think I do," said Barbonesa.

 

"Your funeral," said Strakk, folding his arms.

 

Barbonesa growled in frustration, not wanting to ask but knowing he had to. "Why don't I want to do this?" he said to Strakk.

 

"Because the IDN Resilient, pride of the Imperial Navy, is floating right offshore waiting for you," answered Strakk. Barbonesa took the knife from Gresh's throat and turned toward Strakk.

 

Meanwhile, out in the water, the Skrall were preparing to ambush the pirates. Mirtug turned to Mulroy and said, "Why are we here?"

 

"The glatorian come out," said Mulroy, "unprepared and unawares. We catch 'em in a crossfire... send 'em down to see Old Hob."

 

"Who's Old Hob?" asked Mirtug to nobody in particular.

 

"That's British slang for the devil," said Nobody, who was crouched in the back of the boat.

 

"But we're from Rox-" began Mulroy, when he said, "Hey! Who let that anthropomorthic running joke onto this ship? I thought X-Ray threw him out of the comedy!"

 

I did, but he got a job as an extra.

 

"Private Nobody reporting for duty, sir!" said Nobody, smiling from audio receptor to audio receptor.

 

Mirtug shook his head, and said, "I know why we're here. I mean, why aren't we doing what - what Mr. Gukko said? With the giant thornax launchers and all?"

"Because it was Mr. Gukko who said it," said Branar, who stood at the head of the boat.

 

After a short pause, Mirtug leaned over to Mulroy and whispered. "You don't think he was telling the truth?"

 

Back in the cave, Strakk was finishing up his pitch to Barbonesa. "Just hear me out, mate," said Strakk. "You order your men to row out to the Resilient, and they do what they do best..." A chuckle rippled through the crowd of glatorian. "And Ronald's your uncle and Francine's your aunt. You have the makings of your very own fleet." Strakk now had Barbonesa's full attention.

 

"Of course, you'll take the grandest as your flagship, and who's to argue?" smiled Strakk as he strolled over to the chest and ran his fingers through the gold coins. "But what of the Crystal?" he pondered out oud. THe question hung in the air as Barbonesa stared at him.

 

"Name me captain," said Stakk. "I sail under your colors. I give you ten percent of my plunder, and you get to introduce yoursel at tea parties as Commodore Barbonesa."

 

"I suppose in exchange," said Barbonesa, "you want me not to kill the whelp."

 

"No, no, no," said Strakk. "Not at all. By all means, kill the whelp. But just wait until the opportune moment."

 

Barbonesa set his jaw. "Fifty percent," he answered.

 

"Fifteen," said Strakk.

 

"Forty."

 

"Twenty-five," replied Strakk. "And I'll buy you the helmet. A really big one... commodore."

 

Barbonesa smiled. "We have an accord," and the two shook hands, Strakk looking down on Barbonesa.

 

Barbonesa turned his attention from Gresh. He'd be saving the boy's blood for later, when Branar and his men would be dead and safely out of the way. He glared triumphantly at his crew.

 

"Gents," he said to them, "take a walk."

 

NEXT: The earth shattering climax of Glatorian of Bara Magna: Curse of the Grey Crystal!


Edited by X-Ray, Dec 21 2012 - 01:46 PM.

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#7 Offline Onarax

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Posted Dec 21 2012 - 05:51 AM

"And I'll by you the helmet. A really big one... commdore."

 

Should it be 'buy'?  And also, 'commodore', not 'commdore'.


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#8 Offline X-Ray

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Posted Dec 30 2012 - 10:11 PM

[color=rgb(0,128,128);]Thank you, Space Pirate, for those corrections. And now, it's time for what is most assuredly the second-to-last chapter! I also would like to wish every one a very merry belated-Christmas, and a happy New Year![/color] Chapter 17: The Battle of Isla de la Spooky Outside the cave, on the still, moonlit water, Commodore Branar and an armed crew waited in seven longboats. They were planning a surprise attack on the glatorian as they emerged from the cave. Suddenly, the sound of "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-Batman!" began ringing from Branar's coat pocket. He pulled his cellphone out of his pocket. Another text message from dear old mummy back home. "Am conducting attack right now," he typed into the phone's keyboard. "Call you later." Meanwhile, the Skrall never noticed the slight ripple that moved across the water. The glatorian were moving out of the cave, but they did not come out in longboats. They were walking across the sea floor. Fish scattered in every direction as the shadowy figures, weapons in hands, trudged through the shifting current. Water-filtered moonlight made them an eerie army of marching skeletons. They silently walked under Branar's longboats and headed for the Resilient unseen. The silence was broken by a sudden splash of water. Every Skrall raised his thornax launcher as a rowboat slowly emerged from the mouth of the cave. Branar looked at the two figures in the boat, and said, "Hold fire." He couldn't believe what he was seeing. It was two people in women's clothing rowing the boat. Um, Mr. Gerbinski? What, kid? We didn't show the scene of Kirbrax and Scodonius getting the women's clothing out of that trunk. How does this scene make sense? You're right. Stupid incomplete novelization. Okay, we'll just have to roll on without it! On the deck of the Resilient, Stronius was keeping watch with a telescope. He saw the two women rowing from the cave. Then he saw one of them lower her parasol in the moonlight. They were two skeletons in women's dresses, and one of them had a wooden eye. "Wait a minute," said Stronius, "how am I supposed to tell from here that one of them has a wooden eye? Even with an eighteenth century telescope it would be pretty difficult to see that from here!" Realizing they'd been found out, one of the skeletons raised a thornax launcher and shot the helmet off the first mate's head. "Wait half a minute!" said Stronius as the cursed crew dropped from the rigging like spiders. "There's no way a flintlock pistol could have done that in the movie, and there's no way a thorax launcher could have shot off my helmet without nailing me square in the face!" Then he turned around and saw the cursed crew, and the only thing he said was, "Mommy!" The attack on the Resilient had begun. The sound of guns alerted Branar to the fight on the Resilient. He looked back and saw the ghostly skeletons running riot over the ship. He quickly ordered his men to row back to the Resilient, but a sudden round of launcher fire blew one of the longboats to pieces. Branar was now being fired upon by the giant thornax launchers of his own ship. The Skrall rowed against the barrage of launcher fire with all their might, firing at the glatorian on the Resilient as they went. Finally, Branar's boats pulled up alongside the ship. He and his men climbed up the side. They scrambled over the rails and joined the battle raging on deck. Mirtug and Mulroy, seeing the chaos before them, turned to each other, clapped their respective right hands together, nodded, and leapt to join the fray. Branar suddenly found himself facing a huge glatorian swinging an ax at his neck. He was battling the man back and over the side, because he is just that awesome, when Governor Swath grabbed him. "Kiina!" he exclaimed in panic. "She's gone." "I kind of have more important things on my plate at the moment!" said Branar as he struck a glatorian. "Get in my cabin and lock the door!" he shouted. He turned to the glatorian he had hit, only to find the being smiling, and laughing a horrible, evil laugh.  *          *          * Kiina had reached the Grey Crystal. Desperate to save Gresh, she silently began to climb up the side of the ship. Then she heard voices coming from the galley. Two glatorian were busy preparing a grand feat of cakes, biscuits, root bear, and jerky. Where exactly they had gotten this food from remains a mystery. They were waiting for Barbonesa and the rest of the crew to return to the Grey Crystal with the good news tha the curse was lifted and they would finally be able to taste real food as real men. "Which would you eat first?" asked the first glatorian, eying the feast that was laid out on the table. "Mmm, the cake!" answered the other. "Aye, the cake!" they agreed as Kiina climbed past the porthole. The ship creaked as she climbed over the gunwale (What's a gunwale? she thought) and sneaked along the deck. Suddenly, out of the darkness, the cursed sand-ray dropped down in front of her and shrieked. Kiina grabbed him by the fur with her hands and tossed him over the side. Screeching as he fell, the sand-ray hit th ewater with a splash. The two glatorian looked out the porthole and own into the water, and then up to the deck. Kiina ran, but she knew the glatorian had seen her. She hid in a dark corner as they charged onto the deck. Suddenly, the two glatorian heared the ropes in the sails move. Turning to see where the moise was coming from, they were struck in the chest by the boom of the ship (What's a boom? thought Kiina). They flew overboard, where they joined the flailing monkey. "Score one Kiina," Kiina said to herself, "glatorian zero!" Kiina rushed down to the brig and took the keys from their peg next to the stairs, and freed ManAria, Tarix, Tarduk, Kirbold and the others. They all went on deck, and Kiina was immensely relieved to see them. "All of you!" she said, "Gresh is in that cave, and as long as we have a chance to save him, we must act. And Strakk, too!" she added, trying to lower a boat into the water. But no one raised a hand to help her. Kiina looked at them, confused. "Strakk owes us a ship," said Kirbold. "There! That's my only line in the whole movie and I've said it!" "And we've got the Crystal," said Tarix. "And there's the code to consider." "The code?" asked Kiina in disbelief. "Falls behind, left behind," she muttered. "You're glatorian! Hang the code! They're more like guidelines anyway!" Bu the crew was sticking by it, and Kiina rowed out to Isla de la Spooky alone. "Bloody glatorian!" she said to herself. Meanwhile, on the deck of the Resilient, Kirbrax and Scodonius saw the Grey Crystal sailing out of the harbor, and Scodonius said, "Is it supposed to do that?" Kirbrax spluttered in disbelief, and then said, "Bloodly glatorian!"  *          *          * Inside the cave, not knowing that his beloved ship was sailing away, Strakk examined the exquisite glatorian treasure more carefully. "You're a hard man to predict," Barbonesa said, watching Strakk hold up a  gold and diamond necklace. "Me?" Strakk exclaimed as he shook his head. "I'm dishonest. A dishonest man can always be trusted to be dishonest," he explained. Then, as if to illustrate his point, Strakk suddenly flipped a nice jungle shield off the floor into Gresh's hands. "Dangnabbit, Strakk!" howled Barbonesa, who knew he was in for a fight with a much taller opponent. "I was almost liking you." Strakk drew his sword and charged Barbonesa. The two sqared off, sliding over the glittering gold coins that covered the cave's floor. Another glatorian slashed at Gresh, who managed to turn the glatorian's sword so as to cut the ropes from his hands. He managed to do this without cutting himself. With both hands free, Gresh took on three glatorian at once. "I'm going to teach you the meaning of pain!" shouted one of the glatorian as he prepared to charge Gresh. Then Kiina clapped him from behind with an oar, and said, "You want to know the meaning of pain? Try wearing a corset." Gresh smiled as he and Kiina turned to fight the glatorian. They waded in and out of the moonlight, showing the glatorian in their skelatonized form. This gave Gresh an idea. He grabbed Kiina's oar and shoved it through the pirates while they were in the moonlight, joining them all together. To add insult to injury, Kiina jammed a grenade into the skelatonized form of Sahmad, who looked at his stomach and said, "No fair!" before getting blow to smithereens. Meawhile, on the Resilient, Governor Raanu Swath was in the captain's cabin, when a skeletonized glatorina jammed his hand in through the window. Swath grapped a little fire sword thingy off of the wall and hacked off the forearm. To his horror, the forearn began to crawl toward him. Swath hit it with all his might, jamming it into the drawer of the desk in the room. He thought he was safe. But then the dresser began to shake, as the forearm struggled to be reunited with the rest of the body. Back in the cave, the sound of clashing metal echoed through the chamber as Strakk and Barbonesa fought furiously. Then Barbonesa stepped back and began to laugh. He dropped his sword and said, "You can't beat me, Strakk." Strakk struck Barbonesa in the side with his ice axe, but nothing happened. Bemused, Barbonesa took the axe from his side and ran Strakk through with it. Gresh froze. He had made a bet with Strakk that he meant to collect. Strakk looked down at the axe jutting from his ribs and staggered back into the moonlight. "Well, isn't that interesting," remarked Strakk as his own body turned into a skeleton. "That curse seemed to be so useful," he said, taking a gold coin from his pocket, "I decided to get one for myself!" Barbonesa grabbed his sword as Strakk pulled his axe from his own chest, and the two skeletons lunged and battled in the moonlight. Kiina looked up from her own fight and said, "Whose side is Strakk on?" "So what now, Strakk Gukko?" asked Barbonesa as they dueled over chest so fgold, skull to skull, helmet to helmet. "Are we to be two immortals locked in battle until Judgement Day?" "Or you could surrender," Strakk suggested. But Barbonesa wasn't interested, and fiercely continued to attack. "I swear, Gukko," he said, "when my men return, I will carve and joint your body and decorate the Grey Crystal with the pieces!" Then he pulled out his thornax launcher and aimed it at Kiina. The sound of a launcher firing boomed through the cave. Kiina opened her eyes, and saw Strakk holding an empty thornax launcher, pointed straight at Barbonesa. Barbonesa looked down at the hole in his shirt and back up a Strakk. "Ten years you carry that launcher and now you waste your shot?" the glatorian captain asked him. "He didn't waste it!" Gresh shouted triumphantly, standing over the chest of gold. He slashed his palm with his bladed tonfa and wrapped his hand around the gold medallion. Then he dropped the bloody medallion into the chest. Barbonesa looked down at his chest as he began to bleed from the hole. "I feel... cold," he said, and then he fell over, dead. At that same moment, aboard the Resilient, a glatorian suddenly cried out a fell to the deck. Two more stepped into the moonlight and realized they were no longer skeletons. The curse was lifted, but it was too soon for Barbonesa's men. All around the ship, glatorian fell quickly to Branar's men, and those who did not threw down their weapons and surrendered. "Parley?" asked Kirbraz hopefully. He and Ragetti were led down to the brig. In the meantime, Strakk had some unfinished business inside the case of Isla de la Spooky. Using his knife, he cut his arm, then wiped the blood from the blade onto the gold coin. He held the coin over the chest but couldn't quite bring himself to drop it. "The immortal Captain Strakk Gukko," he said dreamily. "It has a ring. Oh well," he sighed, thinking better of the idea, and dropped the coin into the chest. He then gathered some large gold pieces from the cave and happily climbed into a longboat with Gresh and Kiina. "If I could trouble you to drop me at the Grey Crystal..." "Out of curiosity," said Kiina, "how is this better than your plan to betray us?" "Please, you really think I could stand living under Barbonesa's command?" said Strakk dismissively. "I don't think so." But when they reached the mouth of the cave, Strakk stood up in the longboat and saw that the Grey Crystal was gone. He scanned the water, but it was no good. "I'm sorry," Kiina told him as Strakk sat back down. Strakk knew what his crew had done, but he bore them no grudge. "They did what's right tby them," he said, Knowing he would soon be on his way to meet the tickleman at Fort Certavus. NEXT: The final chapter of Glatorian of Bara Magna: Curse of the Grey Crystal!

Edited by X-Ray, Jan 13 2013 - 08:11 PM.

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#9 Offline X-Ray

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Posted Jan 13 2013 - 10:03 PM

[color=#008080;][font="'trebuchet ms', helvetica, sans-serif;"]And now, without further adieu, almost ten years after the release of the original film, and three years and some four-hundred-and-fifty posts after the original posting, I present, for your pleasure, the eighteenth and final chapter of Glatorian of Bara Magna: Curse of the Grey Crystal![/color][/font]

 

Chapter 18: The Execution

 

Strakk's luck finally seemed to have failed him as he stood on the wooden platform, the tickler's feather at the ready. There was a pair of ropes meant to suspend his hands, hanging from a beam above him. It was about ten o'clock in the morning, and the people of Port Tajun had come to see the tickling to death of the infamous glatorian.

 

Uh, Mr. Gerbinski?

 

What, X?

 

The novelization doesn't contain all of the dialogue and stuff. I feel that it's important to get all of the dialouge from the film right in this one scene.

 

Fine, kid. Just start playing it on Windows Media Player.

 

Yes sir! Thank goodness I own this movie!

 

"Strakk Gukko," said the announcer, "be it known that you have been charged with glatoriany on the high seas..."

 

"Captain, captain Strakk Gukko," muttered Strakk as he listened to the announcer and the beat of the Skrall soldier's drums.

 

"...and other crimes against the crown, said crimes being numerous in quantity, and sinister in nature. Also, you're kind of a 1erk." As the announcer continued to read through his cards, Gresh made his way through the audience. He had a plan, of sorts. Also, he was rocking an awesome helmet, with a feather stuck in it.

 

Meanwhile, Kiina, Governor Raanu Swath, and Commodore Branar stood in the audience, watching. Kiina said to her father, "This is wrong."

 

Governor Swath replied, "Commodore Branar is bound by the law, as are we all."

 

The announcer continued to list off Strakk's crimes. "Glatoriany, impersonating an officer of the Imperial Skrall Navy, impersonating an officer of the Jungle Tribe Navy, impersonating a cleric of the Church of Roxtus-" Strakk chuckled at this one with fond remembrance. "-kidnapping, arson, sailing under false colors, depravity, general lawlessness, and littering."

 

Mirtug and Mulroy had an excellent view of the execution, right up on the walls. As they were watching the event, a cave shrike suddenly perched on top of the flag pole that Mulroy was holding. What it did next is both distasteful and against the rules of the forum to type about. Gresh saw the cave shrike, and recognized it as Tarduk's. He then went back to where Kiina, her father, and Branar were standing.

 

"You are thus condemned to be tickled until dead," said the announcer, finishing. "May Mata Nui have mercy on your soul."

 

Gresh said to the three people before him. "Governor Swath. Commodore. Kiina." He then turned to address Kiina specifically, saying, "I should have told you every day from the moment I left you- I'm addicted to garlic, but not on popcorn. Err, that is, I, um, love you."

 

Kiina was speechless, as were Branar and the Governor. "You need serious help, lad," said Governor Swath. "If I knew you were addicted to garlic, I totally would be more charitable toward you." But by this time, Gresh was dashing towards the platform, and the tickler was binding Strakk's arms so that armpit was bare. The tempo of the drums increased, and the tickler readied his feather.

 

Seeing what Gresh planned to do, Branar called out to his men, "Skrall!" But then, Kiina gasped, saying, "I can't breathe!" and fell backwards. Branar and her father rushed to her side, fearing that she had passed out again. But she was only faking it, and shot her head straight up when she saw the tickler about to start his dirty deed on Strakk.

 

Suddenly, Gresh wipped out a spare ice axe and hurled it into the side of the platform. Before the tickler could get to Strakk's armpit, Gresh hopped up onto the platform and started fighting the tickler with his jungle shield. "Hammerspace, people!" he called out. He cut the tickler's feather, and then the tickler took an axe from... somewhere, and began fighting with Gresh.

 

As they were fighting, the tickler accidentally cut Strakk's ropes, freeing the glatorian. Gresh pushed the tickler into the crowd, where Branar and his men were coming from.

 

Strakk, in the meantime, had tripped and fallen over the side of the platform, and was balancing on the ice axe jutting out of the side of the platform. He managed to hop off, and, thinking quickly, grabbed the severed and loosened ropes.

 

Gresh's stunt double somersault jumped off of the platform, and the real Gresh quickly ran back in to grab the rope with Strakk grabbing the other end. They used the rope to trip up the charging guards, and and the beat them off. But just as it seemed they were free, several more guards came and surrounded him, Branar at their head.

 

"I thought we might have to endure some manner of ill-conceived escape attempt," said Branar to Gresh. "But not from you. I can't believe you had the brains, or rather, lack thereof, to pull a stunt like that."

 

"When I returned to Port Tajun," said Governor Swath, who was standing behind Branar, "I granted you clemency. And this is how you thank me? By throwing in your lot with him?" While the Governor was bristling, Kiina made her way to their location. "He's a glatorian!" he said.

 

"And a good man!" said Gresh as he dropped a sword he had pinched from one of the guards. "Never mind the fact that he steals and kills for a living." He cleared his throat and continued, "At any rate, if all I have achieved here is that the hangman will earn two pairs of... boots, I guess, instead of one, then so be it. At least my conscience will be clear... somehow."

 

Branar scowled heavily, though you wouldn't know, because he was wearing a helmet. "You forget your place, Tesner," he said, almost snarling.

 

Gresh responded, saying, "It's right here. Between you and Strakk."

 

Kiina came forward and stood next to Gresh, and said to Branar, "As is mine. Never mind the fact that our friend is a convicted murderer and armed robber."

 

"Kiina!" said Governor Swath in shock. He then said to the troops, "Lower your weapons." When they didn't at first, he said, "For goodness sake, put them down!" The Skrall lowered their weapons, carefully keeping an ear out for conflicting orders from Branar.

 

Branar was slightly shocked, and said to Kiina, his voice quivering, "So this is where your heart truly lies then?"

 

Kiina was silent for a few seconds, and then she said, "It is. As if you didn't know."

 

Branar looked rather sad at that moment. Strakk noticed him. He then walked around to Governor Swath and said, "Well, I'm actually feeling rather good about this." He then stuck his face in front of Governor Swath's and said, "I believe we've all arrived at a very special place, eh?" Governor Swath almost fainted at Strakk's bad breath. "Spiritually," he continued, "ecumenically, grammatically." The soldiers and the Governor gawked at Strakk's audacity. Strakk then went to Branar, and said to him, "I want you to know, I was rooting for you. Know that." Branar also gawked. Then he said to Kiina, "Kiina... it never would have worked between us. I'm sorry." Kiina joined the gawking squad. "Gresh," he said, lastly, before going up to the parapet. "Nice helmet."

 

Gresh looked up at his helmet and smiled. The soldiers moved towards Strakk as he stood up on the battlements and prepared a final speech. "This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost-" Strakk then proceeded to trip over backwards off of the parapet, falling into the sea. Branar and the soldiers rushed to the edge, to see what Strakk's fate was. They saw him falling down the cliff into the water, where he was somehow not killed or stunned instantly by the impact.

 

"cool dude," said Stronius pompously. "He has nowhere to go but back to the feather."

 

"Look out below!" came a cry from on high (hey, that rhymes!). Everyone looked to the horizon, and saw, to their astonishment, the Grey Crystal coming around the coastline. Strakk saw it too, and with a smile, began to swim toward his ship.

 

Everyone became full on Toa of Gawking for a few seconds, before Stronius broke the silence by saying to Branar, who was standing next to him, "What's your plan of action?" When the commodore did not reply, he said, "Sir?"

 

Governor Swath then chose that moment to speak up, saying, "Perhaps, under some circumstances, when good can be achieved through an act of glatoriany, glatoriany itself might be the right course? As if that somehow makes sense?"

 

Branar smiled, and the turned about, saying, "Mr. Tesner!"

 

Kiina, worried, grabbed Gresh's hand, who turned to her and said, "I will accept the consequences of my admittedly dumb actions." He then turned to face Commodore Branar.

 

Branar raised his blade between him and Gresh, and said, "This is a beautiful sword. I would expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life."

 

After another few seconds of silence, Gresh said to Branar, "Thank you."

 

As Branar and his troops began to walk away, the flabbergasted Stronius said him, "Commodore! What about Gukko?"

 

Branar turned and said, "Oh, I think we can afford to give him one day's head start, never mind that being a pretty blatant breach of my duty, go U.D.D. and all that." And with that, he walked away.

 

As soon as the troops were gone, Governor Swath turned to Gresh and Kiina and said to them, "Well, this is the path you've chosen, is it?" Kiina looked at Gresh romantically. "After all," said the Governor, "he is a blacksmith."

 

"No," said Kiina, taking off Gresh's helmet. "He's a glatorian." Then she leaned in and kissed Gresh, thinking, What a difference having an unguarded mouth port on my helmet makes!

 

Stunned, Governor Swath ran over to Branar and said, "Commodore! Arrest that man! He's a glatorian!"

 

 

*          *          *

 

Meanwhile, Strakk had swam several hundred feet, somehow not drowning, being weighed down with all his clothes and armor, to the Grey Crystal. There, he was hauled aboard by the crew, Kirbold dangling from the hauling rope. As Strakk came aboard, he noticed that there were a lot more crew members than when he'd last seen the ship.

 

Tarix came up to him and said, "We did some hiring."

 

Strakk looked up to him and said, "Not that I'm unthankful for the rescue or anything, but I thought you were supposed to stick to the code."

 

Tarix smiled, and said, "We figured they were more actual... guidelines. Heh heh." He offered his hand to Strakk, who accepted it, and was helped up.

 

Tarduk gave Strakk his hat, and Strakk smiled and said, "Thank you," before putting it on.

 

X, didn't he already have a helmet?

 

Nevermind that gag, Mr. Gerbinski. It's old now, and we're almost done, so who cares, really?

 

"Captain Gukko," said ManAria, putting a coat around Strakk's shoulders. "The Grey Crystal is yours."

 

Strakk still seemed a little sad. ManAria said to him, "Why so sad?"

 

Strakk said, "Well, I kind of miss the Barricade, and this ship, well, it's kind of a dump. It's got holes in its sails, holes in the sides, heck, until a day or two ago, it had holes in it's men."

 

"Ah, cheer up," said ManAria, smiling. "The Grey Crystal has unlimited wireless internet access with Netflix."

 

"On deck, you scallywags!" shouted Strakk, immediately puckering up. "Random nautical jargon! Yeah, that's it!" he shouted, as the crew scrambled to obey his commands. He comfortably settled next to the wheel and said to himself, "Now bring me that horizon." He then pulled out his compass that didn't point north, and began singing to himself, "Duh duh duh... and really bad eggs. Drink up my hearties, yo ho..."

 

"DRINK UP ME HEARTIES YO HO, YO HO!" came a bellowing voice from behind Strakk, scaring him half to death. He turned around, to see nobody.

 

"Hi, Strakk!" said Nobody, waving.

 

"You?!" said Strakk, cursing his awful luck. "What are you doing on my ship?"

 

"They didn't have enough extras to play glatorian, so they borrowed me from the soldier group," said the mild mannered wraith.

 

"Oh, brilliant," said Strakk, rolling his eyes. "Thank you, X-Ray. Thank. You! At least we could have stopped by McKyry's first!"

 

 

THE END (Cue epic music)

 

 

Epilogue

 

In front of a computer far far away from Bara Magna, the being known on BZPower.com as X-Ray leaned back in his chair, and said to Strakk, Gresh, Kiina, and the others, "Well, we're finally done." Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, saying to each other, "Finally, at last, etc."

 

"So," said X-Ray once everyone was done expressing their relief, "how about a sequel?" This proposal was met by everyone saying, "Oh, please! Not again! You can't be serious, etc."

 

"What would you call it?" said Vore Gerbinski, leaning back in an overstuffed chair, stroking a white cat.

 

"Okay, how about 'Red Man's Chest?'" said X-Ray excitedly. "It would star Malum as Davy Jones, and Tia Dalma could a Sister of the Skrall, and-"

 

This second announcement was meant with a hail of criticism. "That title sounds sooo racist!" said Kiina.

 

"I'm sorry, X," said Gerbinski, "but the other Pirates of the Caribbean movies have too many characters for us to parody, and they're not as fun and friendly, or rather, any good, as the first one anyway."

 

"One of these days," said X-Ray, "I'll make a serious movie about what the golden age of piracy was really like. I mean, seriously, these movies are glorifying as heroes people who steal and kill for a living! It just doesn't make any darn sense!"

 

"Well, cheer up, X," said Strakk, patting X-Ray on the shoulder. "At least we're out of comedies to finish. Now you can go back to writing your dumb epic, and..." He noted a gleaming in X-Ray's eyes, and said, "Oh no, you have more stuff to torture us with, don't you?"

 

X-Ray said, "As a matter of fact, I do." He then let out an evil chuckle.

 

 

The End (For real this time)

 

[font="'trebuchet ms', helvetica, sans-serif;"][color=#008080;]So, what do you guys think? After three years, was it worth reading? Do you eagerly wait for a sequel? I don't plan on doing one, but hey, I could change my mind. Comment below and tell me your thoughts! I crave criticism of almost any kind![/color][/font]

 

[font="'trebuchet ms', helvetica, sans-serif;"][color=#008080;] :akaku: X-Ray :akaku:[/color][/font]


Edited by X-Ray, Jan 25 2013 - 04:08 PM.

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#10 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Jan 27 2013 - 03:24 PM

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling.

One thing I noticed in this comedy was not exactly topnotch spelling. That wasn't to say it was bad, necessarily, so much as not proofread. For example, “rleaping” was something that was probably just a typo, or a result of copying and pasting into the browser. This is relatively easy to fix, I believe BZP has a built in spellcheck. Your grammar, on the other hand, is not bad at all. Same with punctuation. I didn't see many mistakes, which is a welcome sight. Ways to improve: Proofread.

 

All in all, I give 24 doubloons out of 33.

 

Humor

As my friend and colleague Hubert has said before, this is the hardest category to judge. Not everyone has the same sense of humor. This is what I thought.

 

Your jokes were well placed. They weren't forced, very much in line with the rest of the comedy. Each came along just when I was getting over the last. That said, they weren't tremendously laugh out loud funny. Witty is more of a way of putting them. I laughed when Nobody showed up, recognizing him from The Return. I appreciate witty humor more as I get older, meaning I liked this more than if it had been completely random. Randomness tends to make me physically laugh more, but wit has more lasting value. In other words, your comedy has reread value. Keep up the good work.

 

I give 30 skeletons out of 33.

 

Plot

Well, this is an interesting category. Seeing as this mostly goes along with the movie/novelization, I don't believe I'll add or subtract points for this, apart from the extra point I need to give to make this an even 100.

 

1 sand ray out of 1.

 

Writing Style

You did a good job of capturing the spirit of Pirates of the Caribbean. Strakk in particular is a good analog of Captain Jack Sparrow, arguably the most important character in a comedy version of PotC. The action was well spaced, the dialog realistic. Normally fourth wall breaking annoys me, but you pulled it off well. My problems with the writing style? A few bits, such as long sentences and overusage of commas, while not technically wrong, don't sit well with me. My advice? See if they sound okay to you in your head/out loud. Again, not technically wrong, but a bit off-putting.

 

28 ships out of 33.

 

Overall

You get 83 pirate related objects out of 100. In other words, good job man.


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"They're smarter, faster, and stronger than us. Fantastic."


#11 Offline Onarax

Onarax
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Posted Feb 04 2013 - 06:05 AM

Wow, has it really been three years since you've started it?

 

How time flies eh?

 

At least it's finished now. Brilliant chapter by the way. Not expecting any sequels though, especially if it'll take you three years to finish them :3.


Edited by Nutrients, Feb 04 2013 - 06:06 AM.

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