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The Adventurer's Guide to Mata Nui

Hitchhiker mata nui lying guide totally not a spoof

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#1 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Dec 04 2012 - 02:34 PM

The Adventurer's Guide to Mata Nui

 

The Adventurer's Guide to Mata Nui's article on itself states that it is a collection of articles on different places, people, and objects in the Mata Nui robot, as well as a guide to see the wonders of the robot for less than 30 widgets a day. It also says that you should go to your local bookstore and buy one now, instead of the Encyclopedia Mata.

 

One wonders why it says this, as you can only read this article if you've bought one. Unless you have a penchant for being chased out of bookstores by Matoran yelling “THIS IS NOT A LIBRARY!”, in which case you need serious help, and you should check the article titled “Psychiatrists”.

 

One of the most remarkable things about the Guide, and one of its major selling points, is DON'T FREAK OUT, written in large, friendly letters on the cover. One of the few good pieces of advice most see during their daily lives, it comforts more than all the articles in the Encyclopedia on ash bears put together.

 

The Guide has this to say on ash bears:

 

Ash Bears:

 

Getting thrashed by an ash bear is much like downing a Muaka's Bane from Tomar's bar in Ta-Koro. You don't smell good, feel good, or look good in the morning. They can be avoided by staying out of their territory, which is marked by an angry, 3 bio tall bear.

 

The Guide goes on to say that instead of roaming the dangerous forests of Le-Wahi, you should go to Tomar's and have a Muaka's Bane. Same result, but much more enjoyable in the meantime, as well as very reasonably priced. The Encyclopedia, in a long series of articles, states the feeding habits of Ash Bears, mating habits, and overall nothing of use to any but an Archivist. The Guide's note on the Encyclopedia is:

 

Encyclopedia Mata:

 

An exhaustive compilation of useless information gathered by a bunch of ninnies who are only good for stealing money from more worthy publications and feeding to your pet ash bear.

 

Oddly enough, the Encyclopedia stated the same thing about the Guide. Until it was conclusively proved that going to Tomar's saves lives. The Guide won the following copyright lawsuit, and now enjoys the ability to legally put copies of their book on top of the Encyclopedia on store shelves.

 

This tiny tidbit of extra rights after such an expensive battle has been taken by many to prove the uselessness of existence, and that everyone should just run into the forest and hang upside down.

 

The rate of lunacy, suicide and people lost to Ash Bears has been raised tremendously. Strangely, so has the number of customers at Tomar's.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Final word count: 456

 

So yeah. The actual story will begin next chapter, this is an introductory post.

 

I might have guest stars once the story gets going, but currently you can suggest articles for me to work in.

 

Comments and constructive criticism appreciated!


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#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 04 2012 - 03:40 PM

And you should definitely continue this. It is very funny, especially the commentary on ash bears. I take it that this is based on the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?
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#3 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Dec 04 2012 - 03:47 PM

Gracias!And yes, it is. I was reading the complete collection of the Hitchhiker's novels, and I decided "Hey, why not do one of these for Mata Nui?"

 

It was a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be. My original plan was to write up articles (about 5 each update) and just post them, but I found it was much less annoying (as well as funnier) to do it this way.

 

But no, I'm not having Mata Nui get bulldozed to make way for something.

 

Maybe the Bohrok would be good for Vogons...


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#4 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Dec 04 2012 - 05:56 PM

I enjoyed your first chapter here. The part with the Ash Bears was very funny, especially this part:

They can be avoided by staying out of their territory, which is marked by an angry, 3 bio tall bear.

 

That part made me laugh. :P

 

Grammar wise, the only mistake I found was that you had Ash Bear lowercased in a lot of your sentences, when it should be capitalized at all times since its the name of the Rahi. That is just a minor nitpick though.

 

Overall, I really liked this chapter and I'm interested to see what happens next.


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#5 Online Onarax

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Posted Dec 05 2012 - 03:28 AM

Well then, this has piqued my interest.

 

I wonder where you will go with this. And tell me, was that a BZPRPG reference?


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#6 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Dec 05 2012 - 11:57 AM

Yep, that was a reference. I should have the next chapter ready either today or tomorrow.


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#7 Online Onarax

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Posted Dec 06 2012 - 07:35 AM

Well then, I'll be waiting to see what you've created next.


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#8 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Dec 06 2012 - 03:51 PM

Liked it very much exactly the style of the Hitchhikers Guide :)
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#9 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Dec 06 2012 - 04:39 PM

Chapter 1

 

Relan was a normal Toa. He had mostly normal friends, a normal house, and a normal life.

 

He also had no idea how important that “mostly” was. One of his friends wasn't really normal at all. Something he'd be quite grateful for in the long run.

 

He wasn't grateful, however, when Reco came back to town. “Can I stay at your place for a bit? My house was claimed by the Ta-Koro Guard.”

 

A friendly note from the Guide:

 

Guest Rooms:

 

A guest room is the absolute most useful thing an adventurer can have in his house, indeed, one of the most useful period. You can store trophies, hide a body*, rent it out for 10 widgets a day, or just invite someone to spend the night after one too many Muaka's Banes.

 

If this were the Encyclopedia, the asterisk would denote a disclaimer saying that the publishers do not condone murder. But since this is the Guide, it links to a handy article stating the best places to hide “accidentally” killed beings.

 

The last time Reco had come to town it had ended in 7 explosions, 3 Rahi attacks, and a pair of sunglasses being misplaced.

 

No one knows who the sunglasses belonged to, why they went missing, or why they're so bloody significant to start with.

 

Relan just sighed. “Sure. That way.” Reco grinned and walked in, as Relan rushed ahead of him and moved everything breakable or remotely flammable out of his way. Relan actually has an article in the Guide, which reads something like this:

 

Relan:

 

Nice guy, if a bit paranoid.

 

As one can imagine, this was written by Reco. He's a researcher for the Guide.

 

After putting his stuff away, the researcher came back into the main room. “Ready to go on an adventure?”

 

Relan's reply was concise. “Oh no. Not again.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

309 words. Not quite as good as the first part or as long, but what can you do. I should make part 3/chapter 2 better.


Edited by Toa Kaithas, Dec 10 2012 - 02:50 PM.

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#10 Offline Last Son Amakusa

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Posted Dec 06 2012 - 04:46 PM

You sort of changed the style of the comedy here. At first, it seemed like an encyclopedia of some sorts but now you've just changed it to a story. Hm...


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#11 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Dec 06 2012 - 04:48 PM

Well, this part was an experiment. I'm really trying to go for more of a Hitchhiker's feel here with Guide articles interspersed in the story, but I don't like writing the story. Problem is, I need something to link them all together.


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#12 Offline Kilgore Trout

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Posted Dec 07 2012 - 09:50 PM

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]I, for one, like the mingling of story and Guide articles, and feel that the level of equal story and Guide articles, something that only the first book of Adams' series, and the one book add-on of Colfer's, seemed to be able to pull off, are very enjoyable and an intelligent choice.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Now, the two chapters you've posted so far are great, with an equilibrium of satire and actual information, and I certainly hope you continue to write chapters that are this wonderful, but I do have a complaint; The characters. In Adams' work the characters were momentarily explained, and you seem to mimic this form of writing very well, but you, in my opinion. should at least consider writing a bit more description of your characters. [/font]

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Now, I'm not saying you should pull a Lovecraft-esque string of fifteen adjective, two verbs, and a dozen adverbs, all describing the blinking of one being, but you could possibly add a bit of information, perhaps peppered with some Hitchiker's Guide-esque satire, if you feel it would help the flow of the writing. [/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]All in all, great work so far, I can't wait to read more.[/font]


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#13 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 08 2012 - 12:38 AM

He wasn't grateful, however, when Reco came back to town. “Can I stay at your place for a bit? My house was claimed by the police.”

 

Wouldn't that be Rahi, since this is Mata Nui? Or Vahki? It's hard to imagine police on Mata Nui...

 

Anyway, good chapter. I like that you are trying to mimic the style of the Hitchhiker's guide, but I kinda feel like there should be a bit more nods to Mata Nui, like the Ash Bear in the first chapter. 


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#14 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Dec 08 2012 - 12:42 AM

The Mata Nui in the title meant the robot. I've been mostly limiting it to the island thus far, and I see your point. That should have said the Guard or something like that, but I was writing it late at night. Eventually I'm planning on having it go to different locations, but for now it's just the island. I edited it to be amazing like that.

 

@Lannister: I plan on more description later. First chapter in that style, so I was really trying to hit my stride.


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#15 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Dec 08 2012 - 01:07 AM

MT's review train stops here next.

 

I actually liked this comedy quite a bit. It's a rather refreshing change of pace from all the action comedies that have popped up on the forum recently(which is incredibly hypocritical coming from me, but hey). At any rate, I liked the random entries from the guide, and although I was never really a big fan of HGTTG, this grew on me very quickly, and the actual guide parts of the comedy have a world of potential here.

 

The actual story section has yet to really pick up, so I'll avoid touching on that for a while, but what you have at the moment is an excellent starting point. KUTGW.

 

-MT


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#16 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Dec 10 2012 - 02:30 PM

The last time Reco had come to town it had ended in 7 explosions, 3 Rahi attacks, and a pair of sunglasses being misplaced.

 

No one knows who the sunglasses belonged to, why they went missing, or why they're so bloody significant to start with.

 

This made me laugh. :P

 

But anyway, I liked your first chapter of your story. It is a little short, but that doesn't make it bad in my opinion. I also liked how you intertwined information from the Guide into your story. One suggestion I would make is somehow show more of what parts are the story and what parts are the Guide. Having the titles from the Guide in bold is a start, but you don't show when the Guide ends and the story resumes, which can make it a little confusing to read. (At least for me, anyway) Maybe you could underline the Guide parts, so that it is easier for the reader to know what is what.

 

That really the only nitpick I have about your first chapter. Keep up the good work! B-)


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#17 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Dec 10 2012 - 02:50 PM

I don't know what lack of underlining you're talking about. :P

 

Next chapter sometime this week.


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#18 Offline Trad

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Posted Dec 11 2012 - 09:47 AM

This is very interesting.

I especially liked the part about the ash bears in the first chapter. Makes better sense than the Encyclopedia I consulted.

I'll keep an eye on this.


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#19 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Dec 16 2012 - 04:57 PM

Maybe an idea, you could also create a bunch of articless linked together by themselves like this Matoran: protected my toa. Toa beings who fight against evil. Evil: Mostly represented by Makuta. And so on
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#20 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Dec 16 2012 - 05:04 PM

Okay, so the next chapter should be soon. I apologize for the lateness, but the holidays are crazy and I have an application for something to make.


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