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Paradise

Short story Not philosophical

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4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Engineer Alexandra Humva

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Posted Dec 13 2012 - 04:39 PM

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]There was a dream. A dream of a better tomorrow, a dream of a better world. A world without the problems of humanity, without the politics of home. The new great pilgrimage, from the corrupted world of yesteryear to the new, untamed wilds that rested in wait. It took decades of scientific discovery, decades of technological progress, and decades of preparation to complete that dream. The dedication was finally paid off in the form of a gateway, a passage through space itself to another world. It was then the new world was discovered; a lush planet of greens and blues, a world untouched by human hands.[/font]

 

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]It truly was a paradise, with fruit that could give a man the energy to run a marathon with a single bite and animals who's blood could cure any disease. The sky itself shielded its inhabitants from everything that the void could bring against it, allowing the earth to revile in its security. Even the animals seemed sloth like, noble beasts grazing in fields that stretched for hundreds of miles while predators slept in the shade, occasionally waking to chase down sickened prey.[/font]

 

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Years would pass. Scientists would marvel at the paradise, longer how such a thing could happen. It wasn't long until industry came. A small settlement began, transporting the marvels of paradise to the dull strife of reality. It grew quickly enough, becoming a bustling port of trade, more and more poured through for the promise of riches in paradise. Then the pilgrims came; those distraught with the world, seeking to begin a new life. They hailed from all walks of life, from all nationalities, from all ethnicity. First it was hundreds; then it became thousands. Then millions. The floodgates had been opened, and now thousands came through the gateway every day.[/font]

 

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Decades more would pass. The city of New Eden grew to become self reliant. Soon paradise was no longer just a dream. As millions continued to pour through, millions more had spread out across the landscape. In ten years it was one city. In twenty, five. In thirty, fifteen. In forty, independence was declared by many of the large cities, having become so prosperous that they could afford to do so. In sixty years paradise and Earth had become matched in population.[/font]

 

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]As time went on paradise was no longer known by that name. Soon, going from one side of the gateway to the other had no difference. Paradise had given way to the simple and unrelenting force of progress. The fruit of paradise had eliminated hunger; the blood of paradise had eliminated disease. For all those who had fled, seeking solstice in a land they hoped to start anew in, they found that their hopes had been dashed. The dream of a world untouched by human corruption had, ultimately, failed.[/font]

 

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]{------}[/font]

 

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Yeah I'm not entirely sure what the **** this is either, but it's not utter trash so I figured it warrants getting put up, if only to get tomatoes thrown at it. Is it speaking against the horrors of industry? The benefits of exploitation? The greater good? The evils of deforestation? I don't know anymore than the audience does, I'll let it figure it out.[/font]

 

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]471 words, which is really shorter than I'm use to. Looks less like a story and more like a highschool essay.[/font]

 

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Created by Alex Humva, 2012. Please do not reproduce elsewhere without prior permission.[/font]


Edited by Cybernetic Alex Humva, Dec 13 2012 - 04:40 PM.

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"In short, my English Lit friend, living in a mental world of absolute rights and wrongs, may be imagining that because all theories are wrong, the earth may be thought spherical now, but cubical next century, and a hollow icosahedron the next, and a doughnut shape the one after." -Isaac Asimov, responding to a letter he had received saying that scientific certainty was false, The Relativity of Wrong


#2 Offline Kragghle

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Posted Dec 13 2012 - 05:42 PM

:kaukau: [color=#0000ff;]I took a look at this and thought that it was the beginning to an epic, being a prologue of sorts.  But then you turn it into something quite familiar.  It's a great premise, but hardly a story in and of itself worth reading.  It's like an advertisement.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Now Aderia, I saw you browsing this subject.  I knew it was within your power to comment, and what would have taken - four, five sentences?  I was afraid that by the time I got done with the art I was working on in real life that you would have beat me to the punchline by now, ye you haven't.  Shame on you.  Shaaaaaaaaaaame.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Anyway, I'm glad that this was posted, nevertheless. Regardless of what type, and even if it's incomplete, I love it when more literature is put on these boards.  Besides, this makes a good prologue for an epic and a pitch that's solid enough that you can spin a pretty good archetypal story from it, if done with true vision.  I'm somewhat surprised at the length, though.  We can write everyday, and yet we write only once ever so often, and even then only do we post stories that are very short, yet we consider ourselves BZP writers.  I guess it's okay that this work is short, but I would like to see a lot more regular writing from you should you like to keep the label of a writer.  I would think that if your writing was rare that you would put a lot more into it, but this seems to be about the length of an average RPG post (by my standards).  Yet, in spite of how short it is and in spite of how easy it is to respond, people will just glance at it and move on.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]That's why I'm looking at you, Takanuinuva.  Yeah, that's right.  I see you down there reading this topic.  Don't think you can hide from me.  Be supportive of the good man and write a post as well *initiates in poking him ferociously* .[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Anyway, if you're interested in an actual review review, all I can really say is that I felt you should have used another word for describing how many people were coming in each day, because you began by talking about hundred, then thousands, then millions living there, then you began talking about the thousands that came in each day, which was too much use of numbers.  I think it would have been better if you had said "enough came in each day to populate a new town" or something like that, but with a bit more elegance so as not to through off the flow of the piece.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Otherwise, I think it's technically perfect and works as a pitch for a good story, should relatable characters be used and a particular inspiration be taken from Les Miserables.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Oh, by the way, I encourage everyone to watch that movie.  You have no excuse, not even saying that you've never heard of it.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Because I know Aderia will, and Aderia's cool, so we should all take her interests seriously.  Unshame on her.[/color]

 

24601


Edited by Jean Valjean, Dec 13 2012 - 05:44 PM.

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#3 Offline Aderia

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Posted Dec 14 2012 - 12:36 AM

:kaukau: [color=rgb(0,0,255);][color=rgb(0,0,255);]Now Aderia, I saw you browsing this subject. I knew it was within your power to comment, and what would have taken - four, five sentences? I was afraid that by the time I got done with the art I was working on in real life that you would have beat me to the punchline by now, ye you haven't. Shame on you. Shaaaaaaaaaaame.[/color][/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,0,255);][color=rgb(0,0,255);][color=rgb(0,0,255);]Because I know Aderia will, and Aderia's cool, so we should all take her interests seriously.  Unshame on her.[/color] [/color][/color]

24601

You called? XP If it justifies anything, I was actually working on art IRL as well, although probably not as great as yours =/

 

But yes, I liked this story. The thought behind it, I think I mentioned over Skype, I originally thought was Coldplay, just to throw a random thought out there.

 

Anyways. You have a nice, strong opening, it really portrayed the feel of your story nicely, leading into the bulk of the narrative eloquently. The whole thing has a slightly remniscient tone to it, almost a dream-like quality that you mentioned in the first paragraph. While we're both aware that this looks less like a story and more like a highschool essay, like you stated, I still liked it. If I didn't know better, I would have thought it a piece for an Ambage write off. Suffice to say, you fit right in. ^_^

 

Your story was a bit vague, but not in a bad way. It gave it that dream-like feel I mentioned earlier. I'm not sure what you did, but it worked. You had me admiring the noble beasts grazing in the fields of the paradise, and looking on, distraught, as that same paradise fell from perfection. Very well orchestrated, I salute you.

 

So yeah, I really have no complaints. You wrote because you felt like writing, and you posted it, offering up your raw work for scrutiny. I can't say I've done the same. Good work has been done here, Alex.


Edited by Aderia, Dec 14 2012 - 12:47 AM.

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#4 Offline Velox

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Posted Mar 28 2013 - 12:49 AM

SSCC Charity Review. 

 

So I'd like to start off by saying that I really enjoyed this. And I'm not in the best of moods, either, which can usually be detrimental to reading/critiquing fiction, but thankfully I didn't have any problem here. The writing style and the story itself was just very relaxing and peaceful--akin to the Paradise being described. Well-done. 

 

A few specific things I want to point out before getting broader:

 

The new great pilgrimage, from the corrupted world of yesteryear to the new,

 

Personal preference, but I'd switch "new" and "great". 

 

It truly was a paradise, with fruit that could give a man the energy to run a marathon with a single bite and animals who's blood could cure any disease.

 

Again, personal preference, but I'd make "It truly was a paradise" just a sentence on it's own. Maybe it's the poetic side of me saying that, but I just feel like it would fit better as a smaller sentence. It was a paradise. Period. With this, this, and this. Take it for what you will. ^_^

 

Scientists would marvel at the paradise, longer how such a thing could happen.

 

I believe that should be "wonder"?

 

Those out of the way...going back to writing style, I really did enjoy this. The syntax and diction just really mirrored the idea of a paradise, and worked extremely well. I've been paying attention to word choice and whatnot recently, as people have been telling me that apparently I often use a lot of poetic style in my fiction writing, even though I never wrote poetry until recently. Anyway, point is, there did feel to be quite the poetic touch to this. There were a lot of soft, gentle sounds with the words you chose--consciously or not (I know whenever I do it it's not on purpose)--just really fit with the whole idea of paradise, not only creating the beautiful image of paradise, but just creating beautiful writing. And I really enjoyed that. 

 

The plot itself is written very...reflectively. Which also worked. At the end you provided a few questions trying to understand what it meant, and it's very true--this story made you question things, made you think about things, and that all worked toward your favor. Because it wasn't the confused sort of questioning, but it was, again, a reflective questioning. 

 

I've been going back and forth in my mind with this, and still haven't made a decision so I'll just say my thoughts: I almost wonder if this shouldn't just be left in the paradise, without the whole story of people moving there and whatnot. I'm really not sure. Because how you have it definitely worked--a lot happened in very few words, but it didn't feel rushed at all. Yet at the same time...I almost just want to stay in that beauty of the paradise. So I guess I'm agreeing with Aimee and taking it a little further--i really enjoyed the beginning, and I almost wish it stayed there. Or perhaps the ending could've had more..."destruction" (because I can't think of a better word right now) to it. You bring it full circle, but at the beginning it's extremely nice and beautiful, and then at the end I don't really get the feeling of the exact opposite. Things are bad, but...told almost in a "fairy-tale" type of way, so that it doesn't seem as bad as it probably is.

 

So yeah, I'm not sure--take it for what you will. I enjoyed it how it is, though. I also thought it was interesting how there was absolutely no characterization. Usually I wouldn't be a fan of that, but, this worked. Probably due to the brevity, but it was still just a nice story, by itself, not needing anything else.

 

Good job again--keep writing.

 

 

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#5 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

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Posted Apr 02 2013 - 09:52 PM

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]There's not much to say: it was a fifteen-minute flash fiction piece, which doesn't leave room for much. But at least you managed to fit your story in, and as usual I enjoy your style.Some might complain that your story was far too big to compress into flash fiction, but I actually disagree. I found its concise, undiluted form refreshing. It's a typical story that we've all heard before, but at this length there is no lesser tale to take the spotlight, leaving less to distract from the greater theme and letting it become the main focus. It's not an original concept, and yet there's something original in the unusually simple way you told it. It allows for deeper thinking on the reader's part.In the end, however, it remains a rather dry conspectus, more like a synopsis or an introduction than a story in and of itself. It is so digestive that it loses a little flavor. Again I say this is part of its charm, for it leaves much up to the reader; but I think a balance might be found. I wonder what this might be as a poem, and what marvels you might work if you rewrote it into one. That would be something I would very much like to see.It would be a drastic change, however, transmuting it into an entirely different story. As it is, I like it for its simplicity; and stylistically, always, well done. I don't think it will win a Pulitzer, but I do think that it's a fine piece. You could waste time making minor expansions and improvements, or you could go write something else. Writing is about constantly ameliorating oneself . . . and that's better done by writing new stories.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:[/color]


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