Edited by spyder ryder, Oct 16 2011 - 02:16 AM.
Reveiw For Fear
Posted Oct 16 2011 - 02:12 AM
Posted Oct 20 2011 - 09:07 PM
I think you want "instilling." Minor issue, I know. Second, that elementary school "I before E" rule plays into the word "review." Another minor issue, but an invaluable lesson to keep in mind. Looking at the story, I can't say a whole lot. For the time being, you're essentially duplicating an existing work and tossing it into the Bionicle universe. So I'll talk about the characters instead. Roodaka is...close. She always gave me that "I-know-something-you-don't know" feel, and here, she seems to be playing things pretty straightforward. Though, I could be entirely wrong and she could have something up her sleeve anyway. As for Nektann, I like him. He feels a little one-dimensional, but his warlord-iness (made-up word for you) feels genuine. Irnakk, however, is another story. I get that you're staying fairly true to your "inspiration" material, but there's an expectation I have of Irnakk after reading BL5: Inferno. He isn't just this merciless, ferocious, monster. He is intelligent, thoughtful, and rational in his own way. Don't be afraid to give him a voice down the road. Structurally, this is a good story. Description is solid, grammar is fine. Stay away from making a carbon copy of the source material that adds Bionicle characters and you could have an excellent epic here when you're done. -Ced
"Installing fear in your followers is truly a wonder to behold.
Posted Nov 17 2011 - 12:59 PM
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