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The House on the Snow

Holiday cheer 15 minute writing

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Tekulo in the Green

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Posted Dec 24 2012 - 12:54 AM

                There was a house in the middle of a large sheet of snow.  There was not a soul outside.  The windows had been boarded up and the lights were out.  The roof was in disrepair now as broken decorations littered the ground below.  The chimney had not lasted despite its valiant attempt to hold strong.  Even the icicles looming above the door seemed to creep down upon anyone who dared to visit.  The darkness of night seemed to loom over this home like a shadow cast from the scythe of the Grim Reaper himself. 
 
                Inside there was a family of ten all huddled together next to a fireplace.  There was no furniture inside and, despite the fire’s efforts; it still looked cold and forlorn.  There were no high spirits in this home as they knew this day was one they had dreaded for weeks.  Fear was plastered upon the face of each family member, the resemblance uncanny.  This was their end, and they knew all they could do was stay together before the angels of destruction reigned upon their poor little cottage. 
 
                That was when the earth began to shake.  The youngest, a little boy, tripped and fell alongside his uncle.  It was fortunate that they could not afford a chandelier for it surely would have fallen and littered the room with glass, shattered and lost in the nooks and crannies.  In every corner of the room the same sounds echoed and echoed; “creak crack, creak crack.”  That was when the roof above them was torn off. 
 
                This family was now facing judgment before their very god.  The first was grandmother who ascended to meet the malevolent creator.  Her head was chopped off as the rest of her body was casually tossed aside, landing right next to the little boy.  There were no screams, no tears shed from any of the family.  All they showed was the expression of fear as they each, one by one, crumbled before the wrath of god.  This was the genocide at the Gingerbread house.
 
[color=#006400;]Note from the author:  Yeah, I had to run this by a staff member before I could, in good conscience, post it here.  XP  I was told this should be fine, and so here is my Xmas story to you all.  I'd always wanted to do a story like this with a one-sentence twist at the end that totally changed the context of the entire story.  I always thought it would be about a gingerbread house being eaten on Christmas morning as well.  When the theme of the 15 minute writing was "Christmas" I saw a good opportunity to jot down this little gem.  I hope you enjoy![/color]

Edited by Tekulo the WindWriter, Dec 24 2012 - 01:03 AM.

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#2 Offline Ezorov

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Posted Jan 03 2013 - 04:30 PM

[color=#a52a2a;]Tekulo, this story is just brilliant. I think you pulled off your goal very well of changing the entirety of your story through a simple sentence. The ending caught me totally off guard! The first time reading it through I was kind of horrified at what was going on, but the second time was just hilarious in context. xD[/color]

[color=#a52a2a;]I'm not much of a reviewer, but I can say that your descriptions were really quite good and I think worked well with both circumstances--what we thought the story was about and what it really was in the end.[/color]

 

[color=#a52a2a;]I could probably ramble on about certain aspects of your story, making myself sound all eloquent, but I wouldn't actually know what I was talking about and neither would you, probably, so I'll just say, well done! I enjoyed this story from beginning to end, and I'll be looking forward to more pieces of yours. : D[/color]


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#3 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted May 08 2013 - 09:54 PM

Ahaha that ending...nice.Wow, where are my manners. I'm Zaxvo from the SSCC, your story has been selected for a free review.As you probably noticed, I quite enjoyed that twist ending. It's funny, I guess the SSCC is moving through the christmas stories now for the free reviews, and this is the second christmas story in two weeks that I've had the pleasure of reviewing that had a twist ending. Last week's however, went from moody to quite depressing, whereas yours went from grim to just plain funny.I'm sure you can tell which I enjoyed more. :) I enjoy laughing. Laughter is good for the soul.Anyhow, back on track, your writing style is excellent. In 4 short paragraphs, ignoring that last sentence, you sum up quickly, succinctly, and efficiently the grim tone and mood of the tale. And then with 1 sentence, you turn that on its head. That my friend is true skill.The only sentence I'd change, actually, is this:

In every corner of the room the same sounds echoed and echoed; creak crack, creak crack.

I don't know exactly how I would alter it, but as it is it's wordy and awkward. Perhaps, between each paragraph, you have the words "Creak, Crack"? That way the reader gets more of a sense of the impending doom, the long wait as the house is being destroyed. Just a suggestion, I'm sure you've got one or two others of your own.Overall though, excellent tale, truly well written, and a pleasure to read.

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