Pink Bow

[SkyLandOceAnna]

Every household has what they consider their own Christmas traditions. Some go out of town to visit relatives, some stay home, and some go on vacations somewhere warm. Then there is the other traditional Christmas stuff. You hang the stockings, decorate the tree and house, cook turkey or ham or roast, you put the present under the tree, fill the stockings, and maybe read ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas’ or watch a Christmas movie. Every family does something different, which changes as they age or create their own family household traditions, and The Collins family was no different.

There was mom, dad, Kaleigh (17), and Gabriel (14). Every year for Christmas, they had something special they did with their gifts to one another, and it all dealt with the bows. Kaleigh got purple bows on all her presents, Gabriel got silver bows, mother got blue bows, and father got green bows. They did this based on their favorite colors, which have changed over the years for the kids, but the parents’ colors remained the same.

This year, just like the previous ones, they wrapped their gifts to each, and placed on the bows. They never used gift tags, just bows. When they woke up, they gathered around the tree and passed out each other’s gifts, giving the correct color to the correct person.

They opened their gifts. Sometimes screams of joy would be heard, sometimes laughter, and sometimes just a simple ‘thank you (insert person here)’. After they were all done, the children began picking up wrappers, and when they had everything bagged up and there things were taken to their rooms, they returned to the living room. Their parents were still sitting on the love seat, but something was different.

Mom had a big white ribbon with pink dots on it, ending in a big pink bow, around her midsection. There was also a pink gift tag, hanging off of the ribbon, and a pink bow about where her belly button would be and pink bows on the floor and in her hair. Kaleigh asked what was with the bows and ribbon and gift tag. Daddy took the gift tag off of mommy and handed it to Kaleigh. She quickly brought her hand to her smiling mouth and began sobbing.

Gabriel asked why she was crying even though he knew why. She handed him the tag and it was as he suspected. The gift tag read: Do Not Open Until August 12, 2013. He brought the tag down to his side, and Kaleigh and Gabriel hurried over to their mother. They hugged her and she returned the warm embrace of her children. Congratulations and celebration filled the rest of their Christmas day and the excitement for next Christmas, in which they would add a new bow to their special family tradition.

Any and all comments appreciated and accepted. Thank you!

[Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa]

Courtesy of the SSCC, I have a review for you.

 

 

I have to admit that the first paragraph was not very promising. It portended a bland, matter-of-fact narrative voice telling instead of showing a story. But I was in for a pleasant surprise.In the end the style you chose to tell the story suited it very well. Instead of writing the scene, you told it, almost as if we were watching through a audioless camera. It was like a home movie.An unpoetic style benefited the story by adding an extra layer of realism. Life, alas, cannot be lived in gilded descriptions and elegent magniloquence; instead it is lived in the trite, colorless prose. Therefore, this moment of life you depicted was perfectly conveyed by that style.The family tradition of color-coded bows was very clever and very sweet; and the bow around the mother's midsection was cleverer and sweeter still. It all felt very real and very touching, and though there was little of the Christmas spirit in it to awaken any holiday nostalgia, it had the same warmth. It evoked a different sort of nostalgia, a timeless, seasonless one--and that's more precious yet.The remainder of my comments are chiefly grammatical or stylistic:

you put the present under the tree,

Should be plural.

Every family does something different, which changes as they age or create their own family household traditions, and The Collins family was no different.

This isn't something you'll often hear from me, but I would replace those two words with one. Optimally, I would say, the latter; to avoid repetition.

There was mom, dad, Kaleigh (17), and Gabriel (14).

Mom and Dad should be capitalized. And though I'm not a big fan of parentheses, I approve them in this case because it suits the style of the story.

Sometimes screams of joy would be heard, sometimes laughter, and sometimes just a simple ‘thank you (insert person here)’.

Please--don't. There's a fine medium between formality and laxity, and it's a matter of opinion, perhaps even preference, which you should lean toward. But you should never step too far in either direction. This is an instance of overstepping. It comes across as far too chatty. I would just remove the parenthetical words altogether.Oh, and on another note, that period--though you might replace it with an exclamation point--should go inside the quotation marks.

and when they had everything bagged up and there things were taken to their rooms,

Their.

She quickly brought her hand to her smiling mouth and began sobbing.

Quickly strikes me as too volitional, and sobbing comes across too strong. I think the sentence would work better something like this:She immediately brought her hand to her smiling mouth, happy tears surprised from her eyes.Use pointed verbs and opportune adjectives to convey the same message with more power.

 

Gabriel asked why she was crying even though he knew why.

Sentences are right up their with eggs and noses in that they're best when they're not runny. This was too runny. You can slow down a bit at times; there's no rush. In this case, I would put a comma after crying, expunge even, and replace knew with could guess.On the whole, it wasn't an impressive piece of writing, but it was an impressive and very charming piece of story. The former was allowed to yield to the latter, which can have a worth while effect. Very nicely done. You have earned a thumbs-up and a high-five from me.

 

Keep writing,

 

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Edited April 25, 2013 by The Novelist Called Nuile

[SkyLandOceAnna]

Thank you Nuile for your comments. I agree with the posts you made in regards to my errors in grammar and style. I am glad to have received a thumbs up and high five. That is a first. Thank you!