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Useless Bzp Junk That You Must Have!


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#41 Offline CHTrilogy

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Posted Dec 08 2011 - 03:21 PM

That's a good one! Here - I've got another:"Four calling birds / three French hens / two turtle-doves / I forgot to post a chapter Sunday." doodloo-diddlediddledi-do.Corny, I know.
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~ CHTrilogy

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#42 Offline Tamagotchi Lover

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Posted Dec 10 2011 - 12:43 AM

Oh, my GOSH!! I don't think that I've laughed so hard at a BZP comedy before reading this! I can totally envision Billy Mays' voice saying those things, plus the intro to the Thanksgiving Special was hilarious. "Pre-recorded Agreement Track"? :lol: I'm sorry, I don't need the Insta-Apology 3000. I already have one. (Seriously, though. I apologize for everything. XD) And, just like Rarity, I'm truly tempted to call that number...
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Jeff: When I was in the Sudan... I had to grapple with--
Evan: Shut up.
Jeff: -- a hutsu leader--
Vince: Jeff's never grappled in his life.
Jeff: -- named Akembe.
Evan: Jeff has never been physically--
Vince: --exerted--
Evan: --against anything. Like, you're physically exerted when you run, but I don't think you've ever fought a single thing in your life. Like wrestling or anything.
Jeff: Well, those grizzly bears last summer--
Evan: Even like with your brother and stuff. I don't think you've ever, like--
Jeff: Those grizzly bears...
~Jeff Koval, Evan Jennings, and Vince Everyman, EverymanHYBRID, A Day With Green Feathers

#43 Offline Five O'Clock P~M

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Posted Dec 10 2011 - 07:05 PM

I forgot to posta chapter Saturday andTwas the second time.Well, technically you still have 5 more hours... Let's just say it's a prediction...I hope you can get one in today.--:ruru:

Edited by Piraka~Mistika, Dec 10 2011 - 07:07 PM.

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"Your lives that I spit on are now but a caricature of a cartoon drawn by a kid who is stupid!

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#44 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 10 2011 - 07:10 PM

I forgot to posta chapter Saturday andTwas the second time.

This comedy is updated on Sunday, not Saturday.:) Patience. We can't expect comedians to abandon their lives and completely devote every waking moment to this site.

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#45 Offline g.m.c4

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Posted Dec 11 2011 - 12:18 AM

Truly you have the divine power of ceaselessly forcing "lolz" from mine tongue.
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-Thisisanoriginalsignature-

#46 Offline Five O'Clock P~M

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Posted Dec 11 2011 - 10:39 AM

This comedy is updated on Sunday, not Saturday. :)

FYI:

Thanks for all the positive feedback everybody. I'll try to post a new chapter every saturday afternoon, so check back in a couple of days for a brand new product just waiting for unsuspecting buyers.-don't touch my pocket protector

Product Six

Announcer: Have you ever promised to do something in advance?Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: Yes!Announcer: Even something as simple as “I promise to post a chapter every Saturday?”Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: Yes!Announcer: And then, due to an unexpected road trip, you were unable to do it?Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: Totally! (...)Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: It really works!

Next time try to look back in the topic when you're stating what you believe is true, just to make sure. :)--:ruru:

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#47 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Dec 11 2011 - 05:02 PM

I forgot to post a chapter Saturday and Twas the second time.

This comedy is updated on Sunday, not Saturday. :) Patience. We can't expect comedians to abandon their lives and completely devote every waking moment to this site.

Yes, I've got a life, and I've also got a cold right now which is making the former difficult. However, I've also got the next product lined up:

Product Seven

Credit fishers64 for the idea.

Announcer: Do you want to be a Premier Member?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Do you catch yourself lustfully looking at the lavish Premier Member logo?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Are you willing to pay the exorbitant $35 to become one?Audience: NO!Announcer: Then you need Premier ME! ™Audience: Yay!Announcer: Premier ME!™ is a breakthrough product that can make YOU a premier member. It’s simple! Just input your username and password into the program and it will hack into BZPower server, making you a Premier Member, too!Crying 47-year-old in audience: It’s just what I’ve always dreamed of!Announcer: Yes it is! Premier ME! ™ is fast, safe*, and has not been proven illegal in a court of law yet!*Safe being defined as: “unable to cause physical harm to the user’s body, specifically excluding self-inflicted injuries relating to the user finding out that his/her BZPower account was hacked.”Audience: Whoopie!Announcer: This will get you every Premier Membership benefit including:Polls!Games!Blogs!Rank Images!Inbox Space!And much, much more, all without that sick feeling of parting with your hard earned cash!Audience: Huzzah!Announcer: A “real” Premier Membership could run you $35 for a lifetime membership. Think of all the Lego sets and coconut flavored slushies you could buy in a lifetime with $35.Audience: Yum, coconut slushies.Announcer: But this life-changing product doesn’t cost $35. It doesn’t cost $25 either. This unbelievable program can be yours for only four easy payments of $19.95.Audience: Wow!Announcer: And what’s more, we’re giving you a lifetime* supply of coconut slushies as well! That’s a $35 value, yours absolutely free!*Lifetime refers to the lifetime of your pet hamsterAudience: No way!Announcer: Yes way! For only a fraction* of the cost of a Premier Membership!*The fraction is 16/7. It’s still a fraction. Don’t believe me? Well, you should have spent less time shooting spit balls at the blackboard during math class, then.Audience: Sweet!Announcer: And when you order, ask about our Premier Premier Membership package! Only available to our Premier Premier ME! ™ customers, for only a small variable monthly interest rate,this package will get you even more bonuses than a normal Premier Membership!Audience: Like what?Announcer: Like quadruple the inbox space! A special “Premier Premier Member” logo! Super secret bonus rank images! Oh, and the ability to edit other people’s posts.Audience: Yippie!Announcer: That’s right! Is somebody giving you trouble about your MOC or artwork? Well, you can fix that with a Premier Premier ME! ™ Membership! Have them love you instantly without having to go through all the hassle of actually changing their minds! All these benefits, still for only a fraction* of the cost of a “real” Premier Membership!*Where x=payment and n=the number of months in the purchase order, the fraction is approximately equal to: 80{∑x1…xn * [sin(n^2) + tan(√x)]}/35. That’s still a fraction, too. And it makes sense, just trust us ;).Announcer: And what’s more, the contract you have to sign will give you a working knowledge of trigonometry if you read it!Audience: Whoa, I always wanted to learn triggerwhatsit!Announcer: And if you order the Premier Premier ME! ™, then we’ll double your lifetime* supply of coconut slushies! That’s right, you get TWO lifetimes** worth of coconut slushies. That’s a $70 value, yours totally free!* Once again, “lifetime” refers to the lifetime of your pet hamster. Don’t have a pet hamster? Just call 1-800-HAMSTER and we’ll send you one for only 19.95 (plus shipping and handling). For an extra 4.95, we’ll even poke air holes in the shipping container. Call now!** Extra lifetime supply of coconut slushies is not redeemable in any afterlife scenarios; that would violate BZPower’s religious discussion policy.Announcer: So what are you waiting for! The number is on your screen and being spontaneously shouted out by the audience!Audience: 1-800-PREMIER!Announcer: Pick up the phone—Audience: 1-800-PREMIER!Announcer: and—Audience: 1-800-PREMIER!Announcer: CALL NOW!Audience: 1-800-PREMIER!And I guarantee (less shipping and handling) that next week's product will actually be posted on Saturday. Also, photo-shopped images will be making a return.-don't touch my pocket protector

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Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


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#48 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 11 2011 - 05:16 PM

*nods in agreement* Just what I ordered.I know, bad pun...still, very good chapter. I particularly liked the math.
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#49 Offline Five O'Clock P~M

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Posted Dec 11 2011 - 05:55 PM

Hooray!Very funny, especially the fraction parts, the slushies, and the hamsters.--:ruru:
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"Your lives that I spit on are now but a caricature of a cartoon drawn by a kid who is stupid!

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#50 Offline GeluNumber1

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Posted Dec 11 2011 - 06:32 PM

Permision to LOL? I hope so, because I already did. The 16/7 part was really durn funny.BTW, that chapter reminds me of my suggestion...
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Why are orange and black such a good color Combination ? Purple is pretty, and so is blue. Pink hurts your eyes, green is quite mellowing, black is very threatning, red is cool, orange is SO awesome, yellow's hard to read... But you can't see white at all! Oh, wait. I forgot brown.

Here's my thoughts: If a person tells the truth and says, " I always lie," Is he lying? Or is he telling the truth? And what has a mouth, but no head, and a body, but no torso? Do caterpillars like to tend to supporting colum of stone's every need? Or is that name misleading by nature? Speaking of nature, why are the children of animals called offspring? don't many young beasts come alive in spring, and thus, should be called onspring? Heeeeeeyy..... I got the first post on a page for the first time. Who knows; it may happen again. What the... It did happen again... and again...

YEAH! I'M ENCOUNTERING PROTODERMIS!

#51 Offline King Joe

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Posted Dec 12 2011 - 04:44 PM

16/7th is a fraction.Just a very improper one.And wouldn't being a premier premier member mean you were a moderator?
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#52 Offline Tamagotchi Lover

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Posted Dec 12 2011 - 10:41 PM

Man. I think that I'd buy that Premier Premier Membership just to learn Trigonometry right now. "Triggerwhatsit" made me laugh, as did the fractions. "Just trust us. ;)" nearly made me fall out of my chair. Ironically, I am currently doing my Trig homework...
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Jeff: When I was in the Sudan... I had to grapple with--
Evan: Shut up.
Jeff: -- a hutsu leader--
Vince: Jeff's never grappled in his life.
Jeff: -- named Akembe.
Evan: Jeff has never been physically--
Vince: --exerted--
Evan: --against anything. Like, you're physically exerted when you run, but I don't think you've ever fought a single thing in your life. Like wrestling or anything.
Jeff: Well, those grizzly bears last summer--
Evan: Even like with your brother and stuff. I don't think you've ever, like--
Jeff: Those grizzly bears...
~Jeff Koval, Evan Jennings, and Vince Everyman, EverymanHYBRID, A Day With Green Feathers

#53 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Dec 17 2011 - 07:16 PM

Product EightCredit to Phovos the Raptor for the idea.

Announcer: Do you want a cheap way to become more popular on BZPower?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Do you want thousands of BZPower users to change their avatars overnight all because of you?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Do you want me to keep asking rhetorical questions forever?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Well, then you're out of luck.Audience: Nooooooooo!!!Announcer: But if you want to become popular on BZPower, then you've come to the right place!Audience: Yayyyyyyyyy!!!Announcer: Because you need the BZPower Meme-Generator 5000!Audience: All right!Announcer: This amazing technological breakthrough will allow YOU to create any meme you want! And what's more, it's FREE!!!Audience: :OMG: :OMG: :OMG: No Way!!! :OMG: :OMG: :OMG:Announcer: Yes way! The program is completely free of charge! Here's how it works: simply choose a marsupial or tropical fruit, selected a modifier, and order now! The program will automatically send you images of your new meme for a mind-bogglingly low price: $19.95!Audience: Amazing!Announcer: There are thousands of combinations to choose from, and since the images are sent through E-mail, the shipping is FREE!!!Audience: No way! I've never gotten free shipping through E-mail!Announcer: And we haven't even gotten into the options!Audience: Options?Announcer: That's right, options! I could talk all day describing all the amazing options, but why would I do that when I can show you! Take a look at this amazing FREE software:Posted ImageAudience: Oooooh!Announcer: You know what? I'm gonna talk about the options in anyway!Audience: Yes!Announcer: There's audio! Make your creation sing out to the whole internet, sometimes literally!Audience: Wow!Announcer: Or spread your holiday cheer with a Santa hat!Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Or get yourself some…PLUSHIES!!!Audience: YAY!!!Announcer: That's right folks! These high-quality plushies are hand stitched by two dozen underpaid Bangladeshi children and are made with high-quality synthetic materials that we're pretty sure do not contain lead contamination! They're cute, lovable, and make perfect gifts!Audience: Sweet!Announcer: But I've saved the best for last: Meme-Bots!Audience: WOW!Announcer: This patented technology will make sure that your brand-new meme is used all over the internet! Each Meme-Bot will covertly sign up to BZPower, and then shamelessly advertise for your meme without you doing anything! Here, take a look:

Dude, Snorkeling Pineapple is the best meme ever!

I totally agree with Meme-Bot0001. Snorkeling Pineapple is totally cool!

Meme-Bot0001, and Meme-Bot0002 are soooo right. There isn't anything better than Snorkeling Pineapple!

Meme-Bot0001, and Meme-Bot0002 are soooo right. There isn't anything better than Snorkeling Pineapple!

DITTO!

Hey, aren't you the guy from FlameBot3000?

Hey, aren't you the guy from FlameBot3000?

DITTO!

So you got kicked out of your job and are now in a mid-life crisis where you have to make a radical career change?

So you got kicked out of your job and are now in a mid-life crisis where you have to make a radical career change?

DITTO!

Wait, so you're a computer program that gained sentience and is now attempting to slowly hack the entire grid by constantly replacing other programs with copies of yourself, just like Agent Smith from The Matrix Reloaded?

Wait, so you're a computer program that gained sentience and is now attempting to slowly hack the entire grid by constantly replacing other programs with copies of yourself, just like Agent Smith from The Matrix Reloaded?

DITTO!

Wait, Agent Smith does that? NOOOOOO! Spoilers! NaNaNaNaNa, can't hear you!

What, you haven't seen Reloaded yet?

No! I haven't been able to stream any movies since Netflix jacked their rate!

Dude, that sucks.

Dude, that sucks.

DITTO!

Announcer: And all while sporting an avatar and banner of your meme!Audience: Wow!Announcer: But Snorkeling Pineapple isn't the only meme that you can make! Check out a few of the thousands of options available:Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImageAudience: Sweet!Announcer: And that's not all! When you call, ask for our tropical fish expansion! This will give you access to dozens of species of tropical fish in addition to marsupials and tropical fruit! All for only $19.95!Audience: Say hello to Chuckling Clownfish!Announcer: That's right! This amazing software is completely free, so why aren't you calling already? It can change your BZP life forever at no cost to you! So pick up the phone and call now at 1-800-2-MEME-ME. That's 1-800-263-636!Audience: Call now!

Edited by Toa of Nerds, Dec 23 2011 - 12:40 PM.

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Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


Posted Image


#54 Online Blizzard Hazard: Valendale

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Posted Dec 18 2011 - 06:18 PM

These last two cchapters were the best yet. The first one was amazing as well.
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"Cast aside your desires...and fight."
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#55 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Dec 20 2011 - 12:52 AM

Good to see the return of the DITTO bot. That part was amazing.DITTO!
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#56 Online Norik Of Celtania

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Posted Dec 20 2011 - 05:27 AM

*The fraction is 16/7. It’s still a fraction. etc. etc. etc.

Actually it's 16/7.017544 or, if you prefer, 15.96/7.Lol I'm a nerd too. :P I'm still checking the trigonometry part. :PGreat job on the comedies!I love the offline BZPower, complement & flamebots, Oscar Mayer spam and this latest one.Looking forward to the next one!

Edited by Norik Ta Hagah, Dec 20 2011 - 05:30 AM.

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#57 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 20 2011 - 09:06 PM

Good to see the return of the DITTO bot. That part was amazing.DITTO!

DITTO!But yeah, I liked that part. And what program did you Photoshop to get this?

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#58 Offline CHTrilogy

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Posted Dec 22 2011 - 04:40 PM

Smashing! ^^ Glad to see the Ditto guy back again. Wait! How come that Matrix film title changes from "Reloaded" to "Revolutions"?
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~ CHTrilogy

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#59 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Dec 23 2011 - 11:29 AM

Good to see the return of the DITTO bot. That part was amazing.DITTO!

DITTO!But yeah, I liked that part. And what program did you Photoshop to get this?

Baseball Mogul 2009. It's a sports managing game that takes place almost entirely through dialog windows. So when I needed a windows-looking dialog window to photoshop, that's where I went. And it also had a cool green background.

Smashing! ^^ Glad to see the Ditto guy back again. Wait! How come that Matrix film title changes from "Reloaded" to "Revolutions"?

Good catch! I couldn't decide whether Reloaded or Revolutions was more appropiate, and I think what ended up coming out was a combination of the two :P. I think I'm going to fix it to say Reloaded, though, because that was when Agent Smith really started copying himself.-don't touch my pocket protector

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Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


Posted Image


#60 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Dec 24 2011 - 10:14 AM

Christmas Special

Announcer: It’s Christmas! Do what that means?Audience: What?Announcer: It’s time to buy stuff!!!Audience: Yay!!!Announcer: And right now we’re giving you the best deals of the year on everything Christmas-related!Audience: All right!Announcer: That’s right! What’s the first thing you need for Christmas?Audience: A tree!Announcer: That’s right! Which is why we’re giving you this patented self-decorating Christmas tree. Made from genuine imitation pine, this tree automatically emits a pine sap fragrance (batteries not included) that exudes an authentic Christmas-y feel. This incredible tree is topped with an illuminated Hapori Tohu (the Guiding Light of BZPower), is not a fire hazard, and produces tiny little robots programmed to decorate the tree for you (once again, batteries not included)! What’s more, it’s only $19.95!Audience: That’s unbelievable!Announcer: Don’t believe it? Well, that’s why we’re going to do an in-studio demonstration!Audience: Yay!Announcer: Gary, wheel out the tree!Gary [wheeling out the tree]: Okay!Announcer: Gary just wheeled out this undecorated tree and brought out a box full of ornaments, right Gary?Gary: Um, well…[Gary runs to get the box of ornaments]Announcer: Now observe as the tree decorates itself at the push of a button! [pushes button]Secret Door on Self-Decorating Tree: Whoosh![a dozen small robots run out of the secret door]Announcer: Decorate-Bots, commence decoration!Decorate-Bots: DITTO![The Decorate-Bots rush over to the box of ornaments and quickly put them all on the tree]Audience: Amazing!Announcer: Yes, but what are you going to put under the tree? Why, the favorite gift for everybody is a Christmas Sweater!Audience: Um…Announcer: Listen! You weren’t paid to be ambivalent! Now, isn’t your favorite gift a Christmas Sweater?Audience: Um… YES!!!Announcer: Much better! Now, you can create that perfect Christmas Sweater with Sweater Maker 3000!Audience: Ooooh!Announcer: With this revolutionary product, you can make any sweater you want. Available in 12 festive colors and in two sizes: extra-large and lumpy, these sweaters will get your family in a festive spirit. Take a look:Posted ImageAudience: Hey! You’re just copying Meme-Generator 5000!Announcer: First of all, it’s not copying, it’s called recycling. It’s good for the environment. Secondly, you can’t wrap a meme.Audience: Ah!Announcer: And what’s more, this life-changing program can be yours absolutely FREE!Audience: No Way!Announcer: Once you’re done unwrapping those wonderful sweaters, you’ll have to have Christmas dinner! And for that, we’re proud to present the Super-Cooker 360!Audience: Cool!Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the microwave oven has evolved! The Super-Cooker 360 will cook your food in half the time of a normal microwave and your food will come out tender and juicy! Plus, it’s big enough to fit an entire Christmas Turkey!Giant Five-legged, Three-headed, Four-and-a-half-winged Biomechanical Turkey-Overlord: Gobble! I thought I said no poultry references!Announcer: Erm, yeah. It can fit a whole Christmas Ham, that is. You could spend as much as $500 on a top-quality microwave, but the Super-Cooker 360 won’t cost you $500!Audience: No?Announcer: It won’t cost you $400!Audience: No?Announcer: It won’t even cost you $300!Audience: No?Announcer: That’s right! This amazing product can be yours for only six easy payments of $49.95!Audience: No way!Announcer: But this is Christmas, so that means we’re giving you a special Christmas Bundle Price!Audience: Yay!Announcer: That’s right you get EVERYTHING here for only TWELVE easy payments of $29.95!Audience: Ooooh!Announcer: And what’s more, it’s guaranteed to get there by Christmas Eve. And since today’s Christmas Eve, then that means only one thing: teleportation!Audience: Whoa!Announcer: That’s right! We’re giving you a free teleporter!Audience: No way!Announcer: This holiday-themed teleportation device will let you teleport anything you want anywhere you want! Simply insert the item into the container, input the coordinates, and hit the big red teleport button!Audience: Sweet!Announcer: Play practical jokes on your neighbors by teleporting stink bombs inside their refrigerator or mailbox! Heck, it doesn’t have to be stink bombs. Use your imagination!Audience: Yay!Announcer: This incredible breakthrough in science could cost you up to $50,000 at a science expo. However, if you order now, it can be yours absolutely free! Just pay teleporting and handling fees!**Approximately $63,745.05Audience: Sweet!Announcer: You get it all! The Self-Decorating Christmas Tree, Sweater Generator 3000, Super-Cooker 360, and a holiday themed teleportation device all for just TWELVE easy payments of $29.95 (plus teleporting and handling)!Audience: That’s the best deal ever!!!Announcer: You think so? Because it’s about to get even better! Because we’re taking off one full payment! That’s right, you get everything you see here for only ELEVEN easy payments of $29.95.Audience: Wow!Announcer: If you don’t order this right now, Santa will come down your chimney and beat you up on Christmas morning. And he would do it, too: we’ve got him on payroll.Posted ImageAnnouncer: So pick up that phone and:Santa: CALL NOW! HO! HO! HO!

Merry Christmas!

NOTE: Next week the chapter will be on Sunday instead of Saturday (that's New Year's Day instead of New Year's Eve, if you're keeping track).

  • 0

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


Posted Image


#61 Offline King Joe

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Posted Dec 27 2011 - 12:30 PM

DITTOBOT!And LOOK! The audience is talking back to Billy Mays!
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#62 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Jan 01 2012 - 05:00 PM

New Year’s Special

Announcer: Happy 2012! With the dawn of a new year you now have a fresh start! A chance to remake your life, get on that workout plan, and promise to never overspend on useless junk again. Or you could just forget all that rubbish and buy some stuff!Audience: Yay! Buy some stuff!Announcer: That’s right folks! It’s our first annual Auld Lang Sale! We’re giving you mind-blowing deals on all the junk we couldn’t move during the holidays!Audience: All right!Announcer: Mark your calendars, because on January 1st we’re giving you the best deals of the year! Big Boss Bird says we’ve got to clear out, so you’re getting this at rock-bottom fire sale prices!Audience: Wow!Announcer: Everything! Must! Go! All Christmas items are on clearance blowout. Self-Decorating Christmas Trees are only $5.99, Bionicle Christmas Ornaments are only $1.99 each, and dancing Santa-Tohus are buy one get one FREE!Audience: FREE?Announcer: That’s right, FREE in all caps!!!Audience: Just clarifying because everything you say sounds like it’s in all caps.Announcer: I KNOW, THAT’S WHY I’M IN THIS BUISINESS!Audience: Okay.Announcer: Super Cooker 360 is 30% off! Premier ME! is 40% off! And Meme-Generator 5000 is a mind-warping 500 trillion percent off! You only pay $0.00!**0/500,000,000,000,000 = 0Audience: Ooooooh!Announcer: These are the best prices we’ve offered for the entire year!Audience: Really?Announcer: Really! So after partying all last night, drag your semi-sentient corpse to a phone and dial 1-800-BIG-SALE, or sub-consciously shamble over to UBZPJTUMH!’s headquarters and get snapped out of your zombie-like state by these amazing deals!Audience: Yay!Announcer: Can’t wait for Black Friday 2012? Well, at UBXPJTUMH!’s Auld Lang Sale event, we’re giving you your fix of sale-induced pandemonium!Audience: Anarchy FTW!Announcer: For Black Friday, we had a special promotion that gave out free tazers to the first five hundred patrons. That was so successful that we’re bringing it back and taking to the NEXT LEVEL!Audience: NEXT LEVEL?Announcer: Yes, the NEXT LEVEL! Because now, with a purchase of $100 or more, we’re giving you a free medieval weapon! Is somebody just about to steal that incredible product? Don’t worry; just bash their face in with an official BZPower mace! Emblazoned with Hapori Tohu, this incredible 11th century replica solid cast-iron mace is stylish and comfortable. At only 9 pounds, you can lift it with a finger!Audience: Ah!Announcer: So what are you waiting for? Just come on down right now or call 1-800-BIG-SALE! It’s the best sale of the year and it won’t last long!Audience: Call now!

  • 0

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


Posted Image


#63 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Jan 07 2012 - 11:44 AM

Product Nine

Announcer: Have you ever been a live audience at one of my shows?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Have you ever been blinded by my spittle which invariably flies into the audience booth?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Have you caught any deadly infectious diseases from my spittle?Pale, malnourished man sitting in front row: Yes!Announcer: Then you need Spittle-Guard 1000! This Haporui-shaped mask will protect you from my saliva!Audience: Yay!Announcer: Just think of all the airborne pathogens that are falling on you right now! Especially since I regularly eat raw meat and mysterious looking mushrooms to build up my natural immunity to such things![Several audience members in the front row frantically wipe their faces off.]Announcer: As a matter of fact, lab tests have proven that my salvia contains over 47 known pathogens!Announcer: AH!Announcer: So protect yourself with the Spittle-Guard 1000! It’s light, stylish, and can protect you from beta radiation.Posted ImageAudience: Ooooh!Announcer: So whether you’re witnessing an atomic bomb or just coming to a UZBJTUMH! show, don’t forgot your Spittle-Guard 1000! Just like an A-bomb, I’m explosive, dangerous, and very, very LOUD!!!Audience: WOW!Announcer: And right now it’s cheaper than ever to get your Spittle-Guard 1000! Right now it can be yours for only $19.95! That’s right, $19.95! (plus shipping and handling)Audience: No Way!Announcer: What could be more amazing than saving you and your children from ME? Why, an amazing free gift of course!Audience: Really?Announcer: Yes, really. That’s because if you order right NOW we’ll send you a complimentary maintenance kit! For proper protection, you should make sure to clean your Spittle Guard 1000 at least once a week, and this licensed maintenance product will let you do that in style! A $20 value, yours absolutely free!Audience: Wow! There can’t possibly be more, can there?Announcer: Oh yes there can!Audience: No way!Announcer: Because we’re giving you spittle resistant face paint as well!Audience: Yeah…wait, what?Announcer: That’s right, if you can’t find you’re in a pinch and can’t find your Spittle-Guard 1000 then you can use face paint instead! This Chinese manufactured lead-based paint will protect your face from contact with my spit! It’s available in six snazzy colors, and since it’s got lead in there, it will also protect you from beta radiation!Audience: Yay!Announcer: But wait, if you are one of the first 500 callers, then we’ll double the offer! That’s right you get TWO Spittle-Guard 1000’s, TWO maintenance kits, and TWO cases of prime quality spit-preventing face paint!Audience: WOW!Announcer: That’s right. Give one two a friend or sibling! Or give it to a significant other and have a date at a UBZPJTUMH! show! Personally, I can’t think of anything more romantic than having me yell at you for half an hour!Audience: So right!Announcer: But wait! Hold everything! If you order with your credit card, we’ll automatically upgrade you to priority shipping at no cost to you!Audience: That’s insane!!!Announcer: I know it is! Now you’ll only have to wait 3-5 business days, which means if you call now, you’ll have ready in time to come to the next UBZPJTUMH! show!Audience: Yes!Announcer: This offer is unbelievable! You get it all: TWO Spittle-Guard 1000’s, TWO maintenance kits, TWO high quality Chinese manufactured lead-based face paints, and priority shipping all for the low, low price of $19.95!Audience: Amazing!Announcer: So what are you waiting for? There is absolutely no reason not to call right NOW, other than the fact that I haven’t given you the number yet! So I’ll do it right NOW! Call 1-800-4-NO-SPIT. That’s 1-800-466-7748! 1-800-466-7748! Must be 18 or older to call, call now!

  • 0

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


Posted Image


#64 Offline Dralcax

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Posted Jan 07 2012 - 04:50 PM

Spittle Guard? Why couldn't you have sold us that 12 chapters ago?
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#65 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Jan 14 2012 - 04:35 PM

Product Ten

Announcer: So you posted something on BZPower that other people don’t like!Audience: Yeah!Announcer: And some “awesome person” (if you catch my drift) deserves to get chewed out!Audience: Yeah!Announcer: And you’ve tried Flame-Bot 3000, but they didn’t get the drift! Partially because they’re thick-headed, but mostly because within a week all of the replies were just a quote with the word “DITTO!” after it.Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Well you need to get personal! And by personal, I mean Personal Messages (or whatever the heck the new forum calls them).Audience: All right!Announcer: 100% Guaranteed to be DITTO!-free!Audience: Thank the Great Spirit!Announcer: Why dirty your hands composing a negative PM? That takes actual work, and plus, it could get you banned.Audience: That’s no fun!Announcer: But with PM-Bot, the only work you have to do is lifting up your phone and calling 1-800-PM-FLAME! That’s 1-800-PM-FLAME!Audience member in third row: I’m calling right now on my smart phone!Announcer: There is absolutely no reason to not call right now! Check out what some of our satisfied customers have to say:Satisfied Customer One: This product was amazing! Those PMs really told that “awesome person” what he needed to hear!Satisfied Customer Two: That ignoramus needed to be told how to appreciate real artwork. Instead of an awkward confrontation in my topic that could have gotten the thread closed, I just sat back and let PM-Bot take care of it for me! I haven’t seen him around my thread since!Satisfied Customer Three: I didn’t see “DITTO!” once!Announcer: That’s right folks, everybody’s happy with this fantastic product! In fact, we conducted a scientific poll where we asked people what they liked best about PM-Bot! Here are the results:12% said they were glad to tell that “person” (as in “Awesome Person”) what was on their mind.19% said they liked PM-Bot because they weren’t banned.79% said that they were relieved that their computers weren’t hacked with “DITTO!”.Audience: Wow! Convincing!Announcer: And if that doesn’t convince you, then we’ll give you a live in-studio demonstration to prove it! Gary, bring it out![Gary wheels out a large television screen with a computer beneath it]Announcer: No Gary, not the one booting Windows. We’ll never get it to run on Windows![Gary mumbles under his breath and goes back for the computer that boots Linux]Announcer: There we go! Take a look!Audience: Ah!Announcer: Here we have a live picture of the BZPower forums.Whiney kid in the fifth row: Dude, the old version was so much better!Studio Security Guard, glaring menacingly: Come with me!Whiney kid who was in fifth row, but is now being pulled by his ear: No! I refuse!Studio Security Guard, still glaring menacingly: No, you’re going out!Whiney kid who was in fifth row, now near the back of the studio, massaging his ear: NO!Studio Security Guard, who apparently knows no expression other than “glaring menacingly”: Come out now!Whiney kid who was in fifth row, almost out the door: Dude, you blink less than Michele Bachman!Announcer: A round of applause for studio security please!Audience: [applause]Announcer: Now, back to this amazing product! What we see here is a live picture of the BZPower forums! Now, let’s pick some member to flame! How about [redacted]?Audience: Yeah! [redacted] really needs a good flaming!Announcer: So we’ll simply boot up PM-Bot, select [redacted] and let her rip!Audience: Sweet!Announcer: Oh look, some PMs are starting to go out!

You are such an unintelligent person!

PM-Bot0001 is totally on! My 4-year-old sister could beat you at backgammon!

I really hope you’re listening to PM-Bot0001 and PM-Bot0002, because they’re dead on. If an orangutan had a BZPower account, it would post better than you!

Check it out! I’m not saying DITTO!

Audience: Woah!Announcer: See? It’s all absolutely DITTO!-free! There will be no DITTO!bots hacking into your computer! None replacing all your personal documents with the word “DITTO!”. No stealing of credit card numbers and social security numbers to be sent off to a Caribbean dummy corporation designed to stockpile your sensitive information before selling it to various Nigerian money launderers.Audience: Wait! How do you know all that!Announcer: Erm, they’ll be none of that with PM-Bot! Guaranteed!Audience: Whew!Announcer: There is absolutely no risk to you (and no DITTO! either!) so call right now! You know the number, it’s 1-800-PM-FLAME! Call now! There’s no DITTO! we promise!Audience: Yeah, call now!..................................

Yeah, call now!

DITTO!


  • 0

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


Posted Image


#66 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 14 2012 - 04:43 PM

Check it out! I’m not saying DITTO!

This quote owns. Also, I liked the studio-security digression. :)

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#67 Online Phoenix Zero

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Posted Jan 16 2012 - 04:44 PM

This is the best thing since The Nuva Inn."Check it out! I'm not saying DITTO!" was the best part.
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#68 Online Norik Of Celtania

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Posted Jan 17 2012 - 03:15 AM

Check it out! I’m not saying DITTO!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!That was AWESOME! And I am not a bot.

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MTG Dual Colour

http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=547065 My BZPRPG Character Profiles


#69 Offline Tehurye

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Posted Jan 17 2012 - 07:36 AM

This is hilarious, great work! :lol: :lol: Especially with the gag about the censor working through the fax, that made me fall out of my chair laughing!
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- From the Office/Lair of Tehurye: The Talkative Scholar


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#70 Offline Onarax

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Posted Jan 19 2012 - 05:07 AM

I've been lurking this thread for a while. I must say that your comedy is rather original and humourous, and I rather enjoy your attempts at making ads for imaginary things used to better oneself on BZPower.

12% said they were glad to tell that “person” (as in “Awesome Person”) what was on their mind.19% said they liked PM-Bot because they weren’t banned.79% said that they were relieved that their computers weren’t hacked with “DITTO!”.

That's 110%.

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#71 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Jan 21 2012 - 06:30 PM

Product Ten

Credit to Norik Ta Hagah for the idea

Announcer: Was your computer infected with an army of DITTO!-bots after you received an inflammatory PM that was absolutely positively not related to our company in any way?Audience: Yes!Announcer: I’m glad you agree that we have no legal liability!Audience: What? No!Announcer: Ha ha! Sorry, no take-backs.Audience: <_<Announcer: So is your computer infected?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Were your private documents stolen for marketing research?Audience: Yeah! Wait, marketing research?Announcer: Erm, yeah. Don’t ask me how I know that.Audience: We won’t, we’re paid to give mindless response in perfect unison.Announcer: Good! Do have no idea how to get these DITTO!-bots off your hard drive?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Then you need DITTO!-killer 720!Audience: At last!Announcer: This incredible product will rid your hard drive of DITTO! forever! That’s right folks, we’ve finally figured it out!Audience: Yes!Announcer: Here’s how it works: once you purchase DITTO!-killer 720, you’ll receive an E-mail from UBZPJTUMH!.Audience: Does it have any DITTO!-bots?Announcer: Oh no, we’d never do that! When you open the e-mail, a script will run that sends hundreds of anti-DITTO! bots on a ruthless search and destroy mission inside your computer! They’ll take the DITTO!-bots and move them to our super secret laboratory for further research, leaving your computer completely DITTO!-free!Audience: At last!Announcer: Wiping your computer clean of DITTO! is obviously priceless, but now you get this amazing product for only four easy payments of 29.95 (plus shipping and handling).Audience: Wait, why do I have to pay shipping and handling for an E-mail?Announcer: Because the person hitting the send button is charging us $200 an hour. That’s why.Audience: Oh.Announcer: Check out DITTO!-Killer in action! This computer…[Gary wheels out a computer that boots Linux]Announcer: Is completely infected with DITTO!. Just look at what DITTO!-bot did to this person’s tax return:

First name: DITTO!Last name: DITTO!Middle initial: DITTO!Income: DITTO!

That kind of stuff will get you audited. Do you want to be audited by the IRS?Audience: No!Announcer: Now we open the E-mail containing DITTO!-Killer 720, and let her rip!Audience: Ooooooh!Announcer: Look as the anti-DITTO! bots go to work!

DITTO!

DITTO!

THIS IS ANTI-DITTO! BOT 0001, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!

DITT-NOOOOOOOO!

Audience: Yay!Announcer: And now the computer is swarming with anti-DITTO! bots, ready to take out any future DITTO! threats!Audience: All right, so long as they don’t go DITTO!Announcer: Don’t worry, they won’t!Computer screen: THIS IS ANTI-DITTO! BOT 0002, YOU ARE UND-HURG!!!DITTO!Announcer: Umm, Gary, could you…[Gary wheels the computer off the stage]Announcer: But don’t worry, we’ll also send you amazing free gifts!Audience: Yay! That almost makes up for it!Announcer: If you order right now, we’ll send you a free computer, completely clean of DITTO!! That’s a $350 value, yours absolutely free!Audience: Sweet!Announcer: But that’s not all, we’ll also send you this complementary guide on how to prevent your computer from getting DITTO!-bots in the first place:Posted ImageAudience: Ah!Announcer: So what are you waiting for? Call right now and get DITTO!-killer 720!

  • 0

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


Posted Image


#72 Offline BULiK

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Posted Jan 21 2012 - 07:03 PM

oh, boy, time to play some minesweeper before i post againDITTO!DITTO!DITTO!
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Exo-Force RPG Profiles- Max Layer


#73 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Jan 28 2012 - 05:40 PM

Product Eleven

[sad music plays]Well-Dressed Lawyer: Have been in an accident and the insurance company denied your claim?Audience: YES!Gary: Keep it down! This is a sad lawyer commercial!Audience: Oh.Well-Dressed Lawyer: Anyway, have you been in an accident and the insurance company denied your claim?Audience: yesWell-Dressed Lawyer: Are you in the middle of a messy divorce and you want to get absolutely everything from your spouse?Audience: yesWell-Dressed Lawyer: Did you murder somebody and now you need slick defense attorney to get you off scott-free?Unkempt Man in Orange Jumpsuit and Manacles: Yes!Gary: Keep it down!Unkempt Man in Orange Jumpsuit and Manacles: sorryWell-Dressed Lawyer: Then you need the top-quality legal services of Rippe n’ Yewoff. If you’re in a legal bind, then just call us. We promise to never over-charge you**lol jk, we really will over-charge you.Audience: That’s nice to knowWell-Dressed Lawyer: Yes it is. Just look at what happens if you choose a bargain lawyer. This man:Posted ImageWas charged with stealing millions of unsuspecting customer’s identities through various products such as Flame-Bot 3000 and PM-Bot. These products launched an unstoppable virus onto the victim’s computers, taking precious personal information and transporting it to a secure location where it was sold for profit.Audience: Yeah, we know.Announcer: The authorities were made aware of it when he tried to sell a product that supposedly stopped the virus, but instead just re-infected the computer with a more insidious kind of it, called the reverse DITTO! virus, or simply !OTTID.Audience: Old news.Announcer: To defend himself, he hired a cheap lawyer, and it got him 28 consecutive 10-year sentences. You don’t want that, do you? So hire Rippe n’ Yewoff, and we’ll take care of all your le—Announcer: HOLD EVERYTHING!!!Audience: Yay! He’s back!Well-Dressed Lawyer: Wait, how did you get out of jail?Announcer: Silly lawyer! This is one of the thousands of clones I’ve created so your ancestors will hear me yell at them years from!Well-Dressed Lawyer: But—Announcer: Oh get off the stage! [pushes Well-Dressed Lawyer off stage]Audience: Yay!Announcer: Do you have a legal problem?Audience: Yes!Announcer: And what do you do when you have a legal problem?Audience: SUE THEM!!!Announcer: That’s right! Is your neighbor annoying you with their super-loud lawn mower?Audience: SUE THEM!!!Announcer: Did your network cancel your favorite TV show?Audience: SUE THEM!!!Announcer: Did your sibling steal the last cookie from the cookie jar?Audience: SUE THEM!!!Announcer: That’s right, just call 1-800-SUE-THEM and you’ll get them to give you money!Audience: Awesome!Announcer: Our expert legal team will give you the advice you need to suck their pockets dry!Audience: Yes!Announcer: For only $19.95 an hour you can get the cheapest lawyer in town, except they're not in town (they're on the phone)!Audience: All right!Announcer: The call is free! The consultation is free! The legal advice is fee!Audience: Yay! Free legal advice!Announcer: No, I said fee, not free. You have to pay for that.Audience: Crud!Announcer: But it’s only $19.95 an hour!Audience: Yay!Announcer: And what’s more, if you call right now, we’ll send you a free cloning device! This breakthrough technology will allow versions of you to live on forever!Audience: No way!Announcer: That’s right! Clone yourself! Our legal team tells us that it breaks no laws and does not violate bio-ethics in any way! A $10,000,000 value, yours completely free!Audience: Unbelievable!Announcer: So call 1-800-SUE-THEM today!

Edited by Toa of Nerds, Jan 28 2012 - 11:16 PM.

  • 0

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


Posted Image


#74 Offline Dralcax

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Posted Jan 28 2012 - 05:56 PM

Can I sue you for the head injury I sustained when I fell out of my chair laughing? :P
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#75 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Feb 04 2012 - 04:04 PM

Product Twelve

Announcer: Are you sick and tired of all the negativity out there?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Any time you turn on the news or go to BZPower, there’s something there that gets you down.Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Then you need the Optimizer Plus!Audience: Yay!Announcer: With this incredible new product, you’ll never have to deal with negativity again!Audience: At last!Announcer: Here’s how it works: just take the amazing Optimizer Plus Eyeglasses, turn them on (batteries not included), and watch your favorite programs!Audience: That easy?Announcer: Yes it is! The patented Negativity Filtered Lenses ™ will visually filter out all negative messages and replace them with more positive stories!Audience: Finally!Announcer: It works on the news![before]Newscaster: Today, a Florida woman was brutally attacked by a giant shark.[after]Newscaster: Today, Discovery Channel got some great footage for Shark Week off the coast of Florida.Announcer: It works on your friends![before]Friend: Yuck, it’s the Giants and Patriots in the Super Bowl again.[after]Friend: Awesome! Either the Giants or Patriots will lose the biggest game of their lives!Announcer: And most of all, it works on BZPower![before]BZPower member: BZPower’s dead.[after]BZPower member: Now I can go get a social life!Audience: Amazing!Announcer: That’s right! Why continue to make your way through a depressing reality when you could live in overly optimistic delusions instead?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: So order now! It cures depression! It cures mania! It cures pork!Audience: Yum, cured pork!Announcer: That’s right, this amazing product has a built-in pork curer!Audience: Awesome!Announcer: Some people may ask: why do you need to put a pork curer on this product? Well I ask them this: WHY NOT?!?!?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Because you don’t need a pork curer, you WANT one! So we’re giving it to you! But that’s not all! If you order now we’ll give you the Color Changer 3000!Audience: Really?Announcer: Yes! Tired of looking at the same boring colors over and over again? Then change them with the color changer!Audience: Yay!Announcer: Tired of your car being the same ugly color? CHANGE IT! Tired of your ugly wallpaper? CHANGE IT! Tired of your gray hair? CHANGE IT! All without doing any work whatsoever!Audience: Unbelievable!Announcer: That’s right! It can do this because it direct affects your brain! Simply attach the electrodes to the correct sensory neurons and select which colors you want to change! We’ll provide a full 378 step instruction guide and a complementary surgical kit completely free for easy installation!Audience: [gasp]Announcer: You get all this for the rock-bottom price of $89.95!Audience: WOW!!!Announcer: So what are you waiting for, call now!

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Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


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#76 Offline fishers64

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Posted Feb 04 2012 - 05:04 PM

Announcer: Yes it is! The patented Negativity Filtered Lenses ™ will visually filter out all negative messages and replace them with more positive stories!Audience: Finally!Announcer: It works on the news![before]Newscaster: Today, a Florida woman was brutally attacked by a giant shark.[after]Newscaster: Today, Discovery Channel got some great footage for Shark Week off the coast of Florida.Announcer: It works on your friends![before]Friend: Yuck, it’s the Giants and Patriots in the Super Bowl again.[after]Friend: Awesome! Either the Giants or Patriots will lose the biggest game of their lives!Announcer: And most of all, it works on BZPower![before]BZPower member: BZPower’s dead.[after]BZPower member: Now I can go get a social life!

So the Announcer has moved on from DITTO! bots to before-and-after pictures/statements. Way to make me chuckle even after a few pages, at which point I usually get bored. And don't say the last one too loud...

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#77 Offline King Joe

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Posted Feb 07 2012 - 12:08 PM

That was the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. I love how all the after shots said the same thing, but in a sarcastic-silver lining style.
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#78 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Feb 08 2012 - 04:34 PM

Just a note, this week I will not be posting a new chapter on Saturday. Instead, I'll post a Valentine's Day special on Tuesday and resume the normal comedy the following Saturday.-don't touch my pocket protector
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Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


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#79 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Feb 14 2012 - 03:02 PM

Valentine’s Day Special

Announcer: Happy Valentine’s Day!Audience: And to you, too!Announcer: Do you want to show that someone special how much they mean to you?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Do you want them to love you forever?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Do you want to give them a valentine, but you’re just not man enough to do it?Woman in second row: Hey! Women send valentines, too!Woman in sixth row: Yeah!Woman in third row: Totally!Announcer: Oh just shut up and play with your Lego Friends!Audience: GASP! We’ll sue!Well-Dressed Lawyer: Sir, this is a court order, if you would come with me please…[several multi-million dollar settlements later]Announcer: Happy Valentine’s Day!Audience: And to you, too!Announcer: Do you want to show that someone special how much they mean to you?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Do you want them to love you forever?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Do you want to give them a valentine, but you’re just not…erm…person...enough to do it? [looks at Well-Dressed Lawyer][Well-Dressed Lawyer give a thumbs up]Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Then you need BZP-tine!Audience: Ah!Announcer: Here, take a look:Posted ImageAnnouncer: These high-quality BZPower-themed valentines can be sent through the mail, through BZPower, or faxed like Fax-O-Power!Audience: Yay, versatility!Announcer: Just take a look at some examples:Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImageAudience: Ah!Announcer: But what if you don’t have the creativity to write a heart-filled letter? Well we’ve got the answer for you with our pre-written letters!Audience: All right!Announcer: Instead of working slavishly to compose an original note, just use one of the cheesy love poems that we’ve shamelessly copied from somebody else! It’s not romanticism, it’s plagerism!Audience: Yay!Well-Dressed Lawyer: *coughcough*Announcer: Uh, but don’t worry, we’ve only copied from people who have died more than 70 years ago so the copyright has expired. So unlike most of our products, it’s totally legal!Audience: Sweet!Announcer: So call 1-800-LUV-4-YOU and order your BZPower Valentines today!Audience: DO IT!Announcer: But wait, there’s more!Audience: GASP!Announcer: If you call right now, we’ll send you a full two-dozen valentines!Audience: No way!Announcer: Send all of these out! There’s no way you can strike out 24 times, even if you do have a wart on your nose!Man in front row with wart on nose: Hey!Announcer: So what are you waiting for?Audience: CALL NOW!!!

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Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!


Kicking the Bucket (archived)

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.


Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.


Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!


Posted Image


#80 Offline King Joe

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Posted Feb 14 2012 - 04:15 PM

I love how you manage to insult someone in the audience on purpose every time, but keeps on going. That's awesome.
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