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Useless Bzp Junk That You Must Have!


Toa of Nerds

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you need to have that well dressed lawyer come some other times. I loved this one (did you catch my pun there? heheh)

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Product Thirteen

Announcer: Did you just receive a valentine from somebody who you can’t stand anymore?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Do you want to get himWell-Dressed Lawyer: *cough*Announcer: …or her or your back!Audience: Yeah!Announcer: But are you too afraid to do in it person?Audience: Um…Announcer: Never fear! Now from the makers of BZP-tine comes the Valentine Rejecter 3000!Audience: Yes!Announcer: Instead of getting emotionally tied to a response, just have Valentine Rejecter 3000 send an emotionless computer generated message for you!Audience: At last!Announcer: These soul-less and clearly automated messages make it clear that you don’t want him...or her…anymore!Audience: Yay!Announcer: Now you can break up the easy way with Valentine Rejecter 3000!Audience: If it ain’t easy, it ain’t worth trying!Announcer: You said it! For maximum emotional impact, print the message on the very valentine your former beloved sent you! Take a look:BZPowerValentineRejection1-1.pngBZPowerValentineRejection2.pngBZPowerValentineRejection3.pngAudience: Ah!Announcer: But this amazing product is limited to just valentines!Audience: It isn’t?Announcer: No! Use it on birthday cards! Use it on get-well-soon cards! Use it on Christmas cards! Or use it on “happy anniversary” cards for the big breakup!Well-Dressed Lawyer: Oh, and if I might interject, my legal services are fully available should you want to go for the aforementioned “big breakup”. Just call 1-800-DIVORCE.Audience: Yay!Announcer: That’s right; there are tons of uses for this incredible product! You will never have to write a heart-filled rejection letter again!Audience: All right!Announcer: But that’s not all you’re getting! If you call within the next 15 minutes, we’ll even give you this free color printer to print your valentine rejections on!Audience: No way!Announcer: That’s right, this stylish printer can print in two colors: black and white. That’s a $100 value, yours absolutely free!Audience: *gasp*Announcer: How much could you expect to pay for this incredible package?Audience: $1,000?Announcer: NO!Audience: $500?Announcer: NO!Audience: $250?Announcer: NO! Not even $250! Because right now you can get this incredible, life-changing program (plus color printer) for only FIVE easy payments of $49.95!Audience: Amazing!Announcer: So call 1-800-2-REJECT. CALL NOW!Audience: Yeah!

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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This product however, I probably won't buy, because nobody sent me a valentine.You know, your comedy helped inspire one of my school projects.By the way, I've decided to index this comedy for you because I have nothing else to do.Useless BZP Junk That you Must Have!!!Main Products:

  • [*]
Product 2[*]Product 3[*]Product 4[*]Product 5[*]Product 6[*]Product 7[*]Product 8[*]Product 9[*]Product 10[*]Product 11[*]Product 12[*]Product 13[*]Product 14

Specials:

  • [*]
Thanksgiving 2011[*]Black Friday 2011[*]Christmas 2011[*]New Year's Day 2012[*]Valentine's Day 2012

With this, nobody will get lost while trying to find your chapters! You can even quote it and put it on the first post! And it's absolutely free!**Terms and Conditions Apply

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Thanks! I put it up in my first post so everybody can find it.-don't touch my pocket protector

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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Sadly, due to an unfortunate confluence of laziness and procrastination, this week's chapter is late. Forgive me for being late. Also forgive me for some broken quote tags that I'll fix tomorrow. EDIT: Okay, the editor is just not liking those quote tags. I did fix the title, though.

Product FifteenCredit to tent163phantoka

Announcer: Is somebody annoying you by telling you everything that you post is against the rules?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Is your pony parade getting rained on by people who don’t appreciate your interests?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Then you need Cite-the-rules-and-prove-that-its-nothing-to-complain-about-bot 9000!Audience: Wow! That’s a mouth-full!Announcer: Yes it is! And it’ll give your enemies an earful when they try to say that you’ve broken the rules!Audience: Amazing!Announcer: Here’s how it works: whenever somebody starts annoying you by saying you’re breaking the rules, simply set this baby onto them and they’ll see a barrage of quotes from the rules with absolutely no relevance to the topic at hand!Audience: Why?Announcer: Well, for two reasons. One, it convinces them that you know more about the rules than them. And two, if your post actually did break the rules, you won’t have to worry about revealing yourself! It’s a win-win!Audience: Amazing!Announcer: Here, check it out in action (dramatization, individual results may vary):Dude, I love ponies!That’s totally against the rules man!Proto Energy is BZPower's equivalent of a merit/demerit system. Administrators, Global Moderators, and Forum Leaders (within their forums) have the ability to adjust your Proto Energy level higher or lower should your activity at BZPower warrant it.Do not use non-English languages or leet to bypass the word filter.Premier Membership is a way for the Membership to help defray the costs of BZPower's webhosting by donating to the owners of the site.Wow, I wish I didn’t say anything.Audience: Amazing!Announcer: That’s right! Nothing tells trolls to buzz off like a good quoting from ye olde rule book!Audience: That’s right!Announcer: Check out another example (once again, totally fake):Check out my awesome new forum game!Your not a premier member! That’s against the rules!Oh really?If the images or information were not officially released by LEGO or a reliable source, they cannot be posted on BZPower.This forum is for LEGO-related games. This includes Bionicle and Hero Factory. Other games belong in CoT.Welcome to BZPower's Q&A Forum. This forum exists as a service to all members whether new or old who have questions BZPower, it's traditions, how the forums work, or other questions related to BZPower in general.See? I haz read da rulez!!1!1Woah man, I’m sorry. What you’re doing is totally legal.Audience: No way!Announcer: Still don’t believe me?Audience: No, we do!Announcer: Well, I’ll just pretend that you don’t so I can show you this next example!Audience: Yay!Announcer: Here it is (if you actually get this result, then you are one lucky son of a kikanalo):Check it out! I found a full free copy of Bionicle: Mask of Light on arrrrg.ibeapirate.illegalDude, that’s totally illegal!No it isn’t!But it’s got the words “illegal” in it’s URL!That’s just a marketing tactic.Advertising for commercial sites of any kind is not permitted whether in a signature, profile, post, Private Message, etc.Generally, someone is banned from BZPower for breaking a major rule, violating a number of smaller rules, or being a perpetual annoyance to the Staff.Legal action. Legal action is not out of the question if property destruction occurs because of malicious behavior such as hacking transmitting viruses. You can be traced in all the actions you perform, so think twice about doing anything serious. We have no problem with throwing a mischievous 14-year-old in jail should they cause damage.Wow, you’re totally right, that’s not illegal.As a staff member, I would usually punish you for this kind of stuff, but all those random rules that were just quoted makes me think that you did nothing wrong! Keep on posting this stuff!Audience: Incredible!Announcer: Exactly! And what’s more, Cite-the-rules-and-prove-that-its-nothing-to-complain-about-bot 9000 is completely DITTO! free!DITTO!Announcer: See, it agrees!Audience: Wow!Announcer: So what are you waiting for?Audience: You to give us the number!Announcer: Oh, call 1-800-IS-LEGAL. That’s 1-800-475-3425! 1-800-475-3425!Audience: Start dialing!Announcer: Now it’s available for only $99.95!Audience: No way!Announcer: But act now, because this amazing sale price will only last for the next five seconds!Audience: GASP!Massive Countdown Clock: 5Massive Countdown Clock: 4Massive Countdown Clock: 3Massive Countdown Clock: 2Massive Countdown Clock: 1Announcer: Oops, time’s up! Looks like you’ll have to pay the still amazingly low price of $1999.95!Audience: What a bargain!Announcer: So call now!

Edited by Toa of Nerds

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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Wow! A cite-the-rules machine? It sounds completely useless yet awesome at the same time!Say, is shipping free? Because I'm pretty sure I live on the other side of the world from these FANTASTIC Bargains.Anyway, your newest chapter should actually be Product 15. I know this because I checked.Here's another chapter I've indexed.

  • [*]
Product 15

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Thanks, I didn't notice that!Unfortunately, this week is really busy for me, so I'm not going to be able to post a chapter this Saturday. In the meantime, I hope you'll settle for this complimentary trampoline:mini-trampoline.jpgSo you can leap on leap day!-don't touch my pocket protector

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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I think I kind of reversed the idea a little bit, but it was still your idea. The problem with your idea is that your product would actually be helpful to the community. We here at UBZPSTUMH! have a policy against improving the BZP community with our products :P.-don't touch my pocket protector

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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Product Sixteen

Announcer: Have you been waiting for a beauty line that works on your metallic matoran skin?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Have you been waiting for a system that will match your very DNA to match your armor-tone exactly?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Have you been waiting for a system that can make you look 20,000 years younger?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Well, the wait is over! Because now we’re unveiling the brand-new Skin Cleansing DNA Age-Defiant Flawless Smooth Active Tone-Match Beauty System!Audience: At last!Announcer: This incredible new system is like no other! Unlike the competition’s beauty product, this one has my face on the bottle!BillyMaysBottle.jpgAnnouncer: And we all know that makes all the difference!Audience: It sure does!Announcer: And check out my complexion! I’ve used this product for the passed 3,000 years, and I can guarantee you it works!Audience: All right!Announcer: And the amazing thing about this is that it isn’t just one product, it’s a whole beauty system!Audience: Ooooooh!Announcer: For the price of only one facial cream from the competition, you get 27 different beauty products in one package, all specially designed for you!Audience: 27 for the price of 1!Announcer: And the best part is that using this amazing system is quick and easy!Audience: Yes!Announcer: Here’s how it works: First, you use our amazing pro-active cleanser, then our moister-sensing drying powder, then the patented hydration system containing three revolutionary hydrators (in three separate bottles, of course) then you selected one of 10 DNA tone-matchers, follow that up with our wrinkle-minimizer, then our wrinkle-raiser, and then our wrinkle-eraser. Why you can’t just erase the wrinkles from the start beats me, but I’m just going by the instructions, as you can probably tell, I never use beauty products!Audience: Ummmmm…Announcer: Oh, don’t worry about that, I contradict myself all the time! In anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the wrinkle stuff! After that, use our pore-reducing gel, then the crow’s feet removing injection, then the nose-beautifying clamps!Audience: Clamps?Announcer: Oh, don’t worry about the clamps! The crow’s feet injection makes your whole face numb so you can’t feel them!Audience: Oh.Announcer: Then put on our amazing lipstick! You’ll have four colors to choose from: Candy Red, Blood Red, Absurdly Red, and Martian Blue (colloquially known as “I can’t believe it’s not red!”)Audience: Ah!Announcer: After that use our patented do-it-yourself botox injector, and then finish off with our night cream. The whole process takes only 12 hours, and if you do it twice a day every day, you should start to see results in only 6-8 months!Audience: Wow! Fast results!Announcer: This system will give you amazing results! Check out this customer! Here’s what he looked like before:us_navy_neckerchief.jpgAnd after:920008348_small.jpgAudience: Amazing!Announcer: And there’s more!Audience: More?Announcer: Yes, more! Because if you order now you’ll also get our amazing Absurdly Long Lash kit for absurdly long lashes!Audience: Incredible!Announcer: That’s right, with this amazing kit you’ll get lashes that are 3 feet long!Audience: Wow, is that legal?Announcer: Oh no, but who cares?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Are you tired of your lashes falling off and becoming deformed? Well, forget about that, because these suckers are made out of weapons grade titanium!Audience: Yeah, definitely not legal…Announcer: And it’s yours completely free! How much could an amazing product like this cost?Audience: $500?Announcer: NO!Audience: $400?Announcer: NO!Audience: $200?Announcer: NO! Get all this for the low, low price of $199.95! This amazing deal is not available in stores, so you need to call right now! What are you waiting for, pick up the phone!

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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Product Seventeen

Host: For months now you’ve had to suffer through me try to peddle useless junk to you! You sat through boring commercial after boring commercial for only one thing:Audience: The free gifts!Host: That’s right! For once we’re actually giving you what you want instead of telling you what you want!Audience: Really?Host: That’s right! An entire product that’s nothing but free gifts! It’s completely unbelievable!Audience: Totally!Host: We’re putting together all of YOUR favorite free gifts into one mega free gift package!Audience: Yay!Host: Everybody knows that you don’t really care about the actual product; all you care about is the free stuff that comes with it! So we’re just cutting to the chase!Audience: At last! Somebody who listens to us instead of shouting at us!Host: OH, I’M NOT DONE SHOUTING!Audience: Bummer.Host: Because in this amazing package you get all our most popular free gifts!Audience: Incredible!!!Host: You won’t find any other direct marketing agency doing this!Audience: Incredible!Host: This odd assortment of free junk could be yours very soon!Audience: Incred—wait, why don’t you cut to the chase and tell us what you’re peddling?Host: Oh, yeah, in this package you’ll get our customer favorite BZPower bed sheets, which we sold as a free gift with Fax-O-Power! These sheets are manufactured by 500 skilled Chinese laborers and made of 100% natural Egyptian Polyester! You will not find a better deal anywhere else!Audience: Sweet Dreams!Host: And what’s more, we’re bundling it with another amazing free gift: Compliment-Bot 3000! Now I can tell you right away that absolutely nobody wants this product, but that’s never stopped us in the past!Audience: No it hasn’t!Host: Nobody used this partly because they were afraid that DITTO!-bot would invade their computer and steal all their personal information, but mostly because they were too busy using Flame-Bot 3000, which isn’t free.Audience: Shucks!Host: But we thought “what the heck” and just threw it in there!Audience: That’s the spirit!Host: But that’s not all! We’re also giving you a lifetime supply of coconut slushies!Audience: Huzzah!Host: Am I done?Audience: NO!Host: That’s right, because I’ll also throw in a genuine four-leaf clover, because today is Saint Patty’s!Audience: Yay!Host: So if you aren’t wearing green today and just offended your Irish neighbor, hand him this clover and make his day!Audience: All right!Host: How much do you think this amazing collection of free gifts cost? Audience: Nothing!Host: NO!Audience: No?Host: That’s right, this amazing collection is only $19.95!Audience: Wow!Host: UBZPJTUMH! is the only place where 0+0+0+0=19.95! So call 1-800-NOT-FREE right now!Audience: We’re totally doing it!Host: But that isn’t all, if you use your credit card, we’re going to double the offer! That’s right, you get TWO of EVERYTHING!Audience: EIGHT for the price of FOUR!Host: But I’m not done, because if you are the first caller, I’ll also throw in this extra fortune cookie I got at a Chinese restaurant!Audience: No way!Host: That’s right, you get everything you could have ever dreamed of, and it’s all only a phone call away!Audience: Call now!

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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Free fortune cookie? Despite the fact that I can just write some wise stuff on rice paper and stick it in an Oreo, I want one!Must call.And has the Announcer changed his name?

Oh shoot, that was a complete mistake. I'll leave it in there to serve as a remind to double check my work :P.-don't touch my pocket protector

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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Free fortune cookie? Despite the fact that I can just write some wise stuff on rice paper and stick it in an Oreo, I want one!Must call.And has the Announcer changed his name?

Oh shoot, that was a complete mistake. I'll leave it in there to serve as a remind to double check my work :P.-don't touch my pocket protector
Nah, it's just a sign of the not-so sea change in giving out free stuff, right? :)
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Product Eighteen

Thanks to Belonephobia for the idea

Announcer: Do you spend hours working on an incredibly intelligent, insightful post only to have nobody respond?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Do you want people post in your topic so you’ll have a top ten hot topic fame and glory?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Then you need Post-O-Matic 56,000,000!Audience: Wow! 56,000,000Announcer: That’s right, it’s named after the number of post you’ll get in your topic!Audience: Awesome!Announcer: Here’s how this amazing product works: just post a topic and tell this amazing program to:Audience: Post-O-Matic!Announcer: That’s right! Nearly 56,000,000 posts worth of useless spam will fill your topic to the brink, keeping your thread permanently at the top of the forum!Audience: It’s like it was pinned!Announcer: That’s right! And it’s not like you ever cared about what people actually said about your topic? Right?Audience: Right!Announcer: Plus, this isn’t that much worse than the normal responses to a GD topic! So it’s just like normal except you get millions more replies!Audience: Amazing!Announcer: Let’s see this amazing product in action:

So guys, what’s your favorite topic?

THIS ONE!

THIS ONE!

THIS ONE!

DITTO!
Announcer: And so on!Audience: Hey, is that a DITTO!?Announcer: What? No! That’s in the program!Audience: Oh, good! We know DITTO’s are never bad when they’re programmed in!Announcer: That’s right!Audience: Your sarcasm meter’s broken.Announcer: That’s right! Check out what our customers are saying about this incredible product:

Before I never had anybody post in my topic, but now I’ve got over 50 million, plus a bunch of staff members! Whoopie!

I never got on the hot topics’ list. Now with Post-O-Matic 56,000,000, I’m still not on the hot topics’ list because the list is broken. Oh well, at least I’ve got millions of fake-adoring fans!

My psychiatrist told me that I suffered from paranoid delusions where I would imagine millions of people coming from the woodwork to respond to random stuff I said! Now I know it’s true, and I can go tell my psychiatrist to shove it!

Audience: Wow! It even heals mental health problems!Announcer: Heck, it causes mental health problems!Audience: No way!Announcer: This product is amazing, but it’s made even more amazing with the optional Intelli-Response ™ enhancement!Audience: What?Announcer: Intelli-Response ™ detects the Thread IQ ™* of your thread to match its responses to the IQ of the thread! So instead of spitting out meaningless spam, Intelli-Response ™ spits out consistent meaningless spam!*obtained by factoring in grammar, post structure, punctuation, and general annoyingness.Audience: Wow!Announcer: All that for only an extra 49.95! Check out Intelli-Response in action:

TAHUUUS’ DA BESTEST TOAS EVA!!!!!! :smeag: :smeag: :smeag:

HE TOTALLYS IZZ!!!!!!!! :smeag: :smeag: :smeag:

OH YEEAH DUZES IZ HEE!!!! :smeag: :smeag: :smeag:

DAH BEXST TOAS TAHUUUU!!!!! :smeag: :smeag: :smeag:

DAHY BEXST TOAS TAHUUUU!!!!! :smeag: :smeag: :smeag:

DITTO!
Audience: There it is again!Announcer: No worries, check out this other example:

Tahu has an unimaginable intellectual capacity, very befitting of the most esteemed toa on this fair land of Mata-Nui.

Cheerio! Tahu’s quite the bloke, isn’t he?

Ooooooh, yes good sir, Tahu’s quite a fine chap.

Fine sir, would you not agree that Tahu has quite the intellect?

Fine sir, would you not agree that Tahu has quite the intellect?

DITTO!
Audience: Wait, that isn’t spam!Announcer: Oh really, what does spam mean?Audience: Stupid Pointless Annoying Message?Announcer: Now what’s more stupid, pointless, and annoying that an obnoxious over-done fake British accent?Audience: Good point.Announcer: So what are you waiting for! Call now! It may be spam, but it’s your spam, and that has to mean something!Audience: It does!Announcer: So call now! Edited by Toa of Nerds

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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Two Product Seventeens?ANyway, the free gift chapter was hilarious. I actually like "Host" better than "Announcer."

Obviously I didn't learn from my mistake :P. Anyway, the next chapter is:

Product Nineteen

Announcer: Has this ever happened to you?

This person said I had a great MOC, but I can’t tell if he really means it or if he’s just being sarcastic.

Audience: Yes!Announcer: Then you need Inflection Detector 7000!Audience: Ooooooh!Announcer: That’s right, you never can understand what people are saying over the internet, partly because of the terrible grammar, but mostly because of the lack of inflection. Well, Inflection Detector 7000 will fix this!Audience: Awesome!Announcer: And what’s great is how simple it is to use this product! All you do is plug the special Inflection-Enhanced ear-buds into your audio output, and put them inside your ears!Audience: Easy!Announcer: Then, a disembodied voice will read all the posts and tell you what tone they are implying!Audience: Wow, I didn’t know disembodied voices could read!Announcer: I didn’t know either! Check it out:

This is great, isn’t it?

“Subtle sarcasm overlaid with a twinge of jealousy”

Wow, you certainly are an artist!

“Facsimile praise over-shadowed by personal angst.”

This MOC is terrible!

“Incredulous disbelief”Audience: Wow!Announcer: And now you can respond appropriately!Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Check out what our satisfied customers are saying:

Before I actually had to read posts and stuff, but now I just listen to Inflection Detector 7000 and it tells me exactly how to respond!

This product is incredible! Now I can almost post intelligently!

Without it, I wouldn’t know what anybody would be saying!

Announcer: That’s right! Everybody loves the Inflection Detector 7000, and if you order now, you’ll love the price, too!Audience: Really?Announcer: Yes! This incredible innovation is available for only $49.95!Audience: No way!Announcer: And if you order now, then we’ll also throw in the musical expansion!Audience: What?Announcer: You heard me right! Whenever Inflection Detector 7000 detects an inflection, it will play appropriate music instead of speaking to you, if you have the musical expansion enabled!Audience: What?Announcer: Well, this is something that you have to see to believe!

Hmmm, I’m not sure about your MOC…

“Poker Face” by Lady Gaga

Yuck, that picture is TERRIBLE!

“Misery” by Maroon 5

Why did you say all those mean things about me?

“Apologize” by One Republic

Stop stalking me!

“Creep” by RadioheadAudience: Ah! Now we see!Announcer: That’s right, and sometimes you should take Inflection Detector’s device; creeps really don’t belong here!Audience: Here here!Announcer: So call now, and you’ll get this amazing product, plus the bonus music package, for only $49.95!Audience: Call now! Edited by Toa of Nerds

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

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Just a note, the next chapter will be tomorrow instead of today, so the Easter Special will make sense ;).-don't touch my pocket protector

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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Easter Special

Announcer: Have you spent hundreds of dollars on silly plastic Easter eggs?Audience: Yeah!Announcer: And those plastic eggs cause cancer as well (none of these claims have been verified by the FDA).Audience: Yeah!Announcer: Then you need the BZPower Organa-Eggs!Audience: Wow!Announcer: These bio-degradable all-natural eggs come from real chickens!Audience: Nice!Announcer: Why give your kids fake eggs when you get these strait from nature?Audience: Because you can’t put candy in them!Announcer: Not with BZPower Organa-Eggs! These eggs come from purely genetically modified eggs that have little doors in them to insert the goodies!Audience: Nice!DoorEgg.jpgAnnouncer: So make your Easter egg-cellent, ha ha!Audience: BOOOO!Announcer: Hey! I didn’t write this! Anyway, now you’ll get to save the environment because

  • [*]They’re recycled eggs, and[*]They’re biodegradable

That way, you won’t fill those land fills with a bunch of plastic eggs.Audience: Awesome!Announcer: But that isn’t all!Audience: It isn’t?Announcer: If you order right now, then we’ll have a real fake Easter Bunny show up at your door! To deliver these eggs!Audience: Wow!Announcer: But that’s not all, we’ll also throw in this Easter Chicken to produce more Organa-Eggs for your next Easter, all completely free (just pay separate shipping and processing)!Audience: No Way!Announcer: That’s right, and you’ll also get this amazing door-inserting kit to install a mini-door onto the eggs!Audience: Incredible!Announcer: So if you’re buying this, you aren’t just buying Organa-Eggs for one Easter, you’re buying them for a lifetime!Audience: Whoop!Announcer: This amazing package is available for ONLY four EASY payments of $19.95! With a price that low, there’s no reason to settle for a lame Easter!Audience: That’s right!Announcer: But are we done?Audience: NO!Announcer: That’s right, because we’re also going to throw in a truck-load of candy!Audience: Yes!Announcer: Complete with the truck that carries it:MatchboxTruck.jpgAnnouncer: So enjoy your free jelly-bean!Audience: Yeah!Announcer: And call now!Audience: That’s right!

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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Product Twenty

Credit to Kohrak Kal17

Announcer: Are you too lazy to write a meaningless blog post?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Are you unable to think of anything that is totally not worthwhile to say to say?Audience: Yes!Announcer: Then you need Auto Blogger 1717!Audience: Yes!Announcer: This incredible service offers you worry-free, effort-free, brain-free blogging!Audience: Wow!Announcer: Simply let it hack into your account, steal, um, I mean, obtain all your personal info, and it will start spewing out 17 word blog posts 17 times a day!Audience: 17 to da 17!Announcer: That’s right! (although actually it would be 172, but it didn’t have the same ring to it.)Audience: Amazing!Announcer: This automatic blogger spits out the same kind of stuff you would post regularly, except you don’t have to do the work!Audience: Yay!Announcer: Check out the amazing results of Auto Blogger 1717!

I’m eating a tuna sandwich. Tomorrow I might eat a tuna sandwich, but I just don’t know.

Me again. I just finished my tuna sandwich. It was good. I hope tomorrow’s is the same.

I’ve seriously gone so low as to blog about tuna sandwiches. Oh well, that is a shame.

I’ve seriously gone so low as to blog about tuna sandwiches. Oh well, that is a shame.

DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO! DITTO!
Audience: Incredible!Announcer: That’s right, no longer will have to waste time writing blog posts. Now you can waste time browsing BZPower instead!Audience: All right!Announcer: But wait! Auto Blogger 1717 can be set to any number of words or posts per day that you want! Want an Auto Blogger 1213? It’s yours! How about a Auto Blogger 156? Just set it that way and Auto Blogger 1717 will follow your command!Audience: Amazing!Announcer: But that isn’t all! If you call right now, we’ll also throw in the Random Word Generator 5000!Audience: What?Announcer: Do you ever have writer’s block on a big project your supposed to be working on? Well, never fear, this incredible product will produce random words to fill up space!Audience: Amazing!Announcer: And it’s so successful that our very author uses it when writing our commercials!Audience: Cats! Chimney! Tater Tot! Bug Spray!Announcer: But hold on! Because if you use your credit card when you order, then we’ll also throw in Auto-Tagger!Audience: What?Announcer: Auto-Tagger lets you put big obnoxious tag clouds on your blog that will annoy everybody who visits it!Audience: Nice!Announcer: Nothing says “I want attention” than a shameless splatter of semi-related words to generate google hits!Audience: That’s right!Announcer: So call now and you’ll get Auto Blogger 1717, Random Word Generator 5000, and Auto-Tagger all for the low, low price of $49.95!Audience: Incredible!Announcer: This amazing product is not available in stores so you need to order right now!

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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I apologize for being late on this chapter, but on Friday my internet inexplicably went out and I only got it fixed today. Next week's product will be on time, internet willing.

Product Twenty-One (BZPower Mystery Box)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Useless BZPower Junk That You Must Have! has always been about sending you random junk that you don’t need.Audience: Yeah!Announcer: However, we’ve never given you an actual random piece of junk.Audience: What?Announcer: That’s right, nobody knows exactly what this is, because it’s completely random! You don’t know what you’ll get and we don’t know what we’ll give you! It’s a brilliant idea!Audience: How is that a brilliant idea?Announcer: Well, think about it. We have you idea what you want. And, quite honestly, you have no idea what you want either.Audience: True!Announcer: So why bother thinking you want something when you could just cut to the chase and roll the dice!Audience: Yeah!Announcer: That’s why we’re introducing our brand-spanking-new BZPower Mystery Box!Audience: Wow! A mystery box!Announcer: While this won’t be the first time you have no idea what you’re doing when you purchase a UZBJTUMH! product, it will be the first time we’ve told you so! And that’s a miletone!Audience: Amazing! We’re watching history here folks!Announcer: Here’s how it works: we simply use Random Word Generator 5000, and send you the first word that pops up in a mysterious box with a question mark on it!Audience: Wow!Announcer: Check out some of the amazing products people have found:GOLD!MONEY!CARIBIEAN CRUISE!(results not typical)Audience: Ah!Announcer: You see, you could get something amazing! Imagine getting a whole box full of gold, and you only paid $19.95!Audience: What a deal!Announcer: Oh yes! This might just be our BEST DEAL OF ALL TIME!!!Audience: The best deal of all time?Announcer: That’s right!Audience: Wow!Announcer: There could be absolutely anything in the box! Gary, put up some more examples!DEAD FROGS!MOLDY CHEESE!BOOGERS!(results much more typical)Announcer (whispering): Um, Gary, was that the wrong slide?Audience: Amazing!Gary: [shrug]Announcer: Um, anyway, all those possibilities for only $19.95!Audience: No way! I want my boogers!Announcer: But that’s not all, because if you call right now, we’ll double the offer!Audience: That’s twice as good as the best deal ever!Announcer: That’s right! You’ll get two mystery boxes, so that means you could get two, um, boogers!Audience: Yay!Announcer: This is a one time offer! So if you like buying things without any knowledge of the stuff you’re purchasing whatsoever, then call right now!Audience: Yeah! Call now and get yo boogers!

Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!

 

Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.

 

Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)

Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.

 

Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!

Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!

 

joehalobanner.jpg

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Announcer: While this won’t be the first time you have no idea what you’re doing when you purchase a UZBJTUMH! product, it will be the first time we’ve told you so! And that’s a miletone!

Should be "milestone". Still, that's a pretty good line. Good chapter, good chapter. :) Although it is starting to drag just a bit - perhaps something a little more unique?
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Good chapter, good chapter. :) Although it is starting to drag just a bit - perhaps something a little more unique?

NO! I want my boogers!That was the best line of all, Toa of Nerds.

Visit www.BZPRPG.com to view my project of archiving BZPower's RPGs, and also access the BZPower Roleplaying Wiki

BZPRPG Profiles - Ghosts Of Bara Magna Profiles

Exo-Force RPG Profiles - Six Kingdoms: Apocalypse (Knichou, Berys, Arnex, The Taku, Exuze)

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