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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Aderia

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Posted Dec 30 2012 - 10:30 PM

He shook the present near his ear, trying to guess what it might be. It was a box with things that shook inside. Peanuts? He ripped the paper off. A box of treats. He dared let his hopes rise.

 

The second was small and oblong, like a pencil case. But when he peeled it open, it was a collar with a nametag in the shape of a

heart.

 

His eyes lit up as he turned to the largest box. It was almost half as tall as he was. It was loosely wrapped, with holes along the sides for air holes. And only one kind of present needed to breathe.

 

“We got a puppy!!!” He squealed, grabbing a fistful of shredded wrapping paper up in the air, and it snowed down around him.

He shredded off the wrapping paper of the last box, and the stood stock still, hardly daring to breath. Slowly, very slowly, he reached out and placed a shy hand on the lid.

 

“Go ahead, son. Open it!” His mother beamed at him. Beside her, his father nodded encouragingly.

 

Taking a deep breath, he flipped the lid of the box off and saw…

 

“ITS EMPTY!!!!!” He wailed.

 

His own cry woke him up. But he breathed a sigh of relief. It was only a nightmare.

 

He reached for his glasses on the night stand, and saw the time. 6:23 AM. Conflicted, he sat in bed for thirty seconds. Finally, he decided he couldn’t stand it anymore. Usually his mother and father opened presents together, after breakfast.

 

But this Christmas, it had to be different. So much was at stake. He had to know if his nightmare was a reality. It was really eating at him. And besides, if there really was a puppy, it might be awake already, and very scared, wondering why it was in a box. He had to save it.

 

He galloped down the stairs and saw a modest pile of presents at the foot of the wobbly, delicate tree. He didn't like these trees, but it was his mother's favorite kind, for soem reason. It wasn’t until he turned on the lights that he saw what he was looking for. A large box, in snowflake wrapping paper, that was almost half as tall as he was.

 

But first, he dug through the other presents. He found the box that rattled, and opened it.  Treats!

 

Shifting through the pile, he found the oblong present. Except it was a roll of socks for his father. Embarrassed, he shoved the opened present under the sofa. He picked out the only other oblong present.

 

It was a collar! Small and adorable, and just right for a puppy. It had a square nametag, though, not a heart.

 

And finally, he turned to the large box that was half as tall as he was. Without any of the hesitation of his dream-self, he ripped the lid off and reached inside and pulled out…

 

“A kitten!?!” He wailed in dismay.

 

Throwing the kitten back in the box and slamming the lid on top, he began to cry. Not just little sniffles either. Big, obnoxious wails that make a wheezing, diabetic  walrus sound attractive.

 

“What? Tony, what are you doing awake so early?” His father looked at the opened presents. “What happened to our tradition? Opening presents as a family?!”

 

Tony was too distraught to answer any of his father’s questions. Between sobs and gulps of air, he howled,  “This is the worst Christmas ever!! Santa told me we were getting a puppy!!!"

 

"Well, Santa can't do everything," His father sighed.

 

"Santa can go chew on a stinkbug! I hate him!" The child blubbered. Fat tears rolled down his face.

 

Sighing again, heavily, his father clamped a hand on his son's shoulder and looked him in the eye. He began to give him a lecture. He started with Thanksgiving, and for each day between the two holidays, he gave a reason why Tony should be thankful for what he has. Neither father nor son noticed the small gray and white striped kitten nose its way out of the box.

 

 

---

 

 

Lights! Bright, beautiful lights! And that scent! Like winter and spunk in the air. The kitten scrambled over the pile of presents towards the source of this wonder. It was a playhouse! With shiny, solid rain drops hanging from the sides of it. Tentative, the kitten batted at one of the shiny objects. It swung back and forth charmingly. Perking up its ears with glee, the kitten batted at the object again. But it went flying off the playhouse! Oh no!

 

Frozen, it watched the object sail through the air. The large, shouting animals standing in the corner, a large one with a deep scary voice, and a small chubby one with keening cries that hurt its ears, didn't see the object fly, or land safely on a cushy, plush chair. Letting out its breath, the kitten went to explore the playhouse. There were steps spiraling up through the spicy green prickles. Such an adventure!

 

Up, up up, the kitten climbed, stopping to smell a curious smell here, pausing to reach out and poke another shiny object there, and occasionally untangling itself from a vine that wasn't alive, but still grew berries that glowed with life somehow. At the top of the pointy playhouse, through the rafters, the kitten could see a star. Instinctively, it wanted to reach the star, to be on top of the world and look down in the superior way that only cats can manage.

 

Standing as high as it possibly could, the kitten stood up on its back legs, tiny needlepoint claws digging into the rough brown surface in its playhouse for security. It's bright amber eyes were focused on the star, and it reached up, almost in a trance. It didn't notice the tree sawying dangerously back and forth until it was too late.

 

 ---

 

With a yowl that was drowned in the people's yelling, the kitten leapt awkwardly from the tree as it toppled down, down, down, straight for the small crying child.

 

The kitten landed gracefully by some feline miracle on the soft plush chair next to the ornament, purring with contentment. Finally, it was quiet, no wailing to hurt its ears. Unconscious children don't cry.

 

---

 

End

 

(Written originally as a Write Off, then modified casually for the Flash Fiction Contest. Nothing serious, just spur of the moment stuff. Moral is, love kittens no matter what.)


Edited by Aderia, Dec 30 2012 - 11:32 PM.

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(Irene Adler)

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#2 Offline The Otter

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Posted Dec 30 2012 - 10:45 PM

That was

 

uh

 

I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that. I certainly like the idea of the piece, and they style is nice, if a little abrupt. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors (though that might just be because everything got corrected in my brain and so I didn't notice them anyways), though one thing I want to comment on:

 

A lot of the changes between, say, the kid's emotional responses, the father coming down and beginning to talk, and the nightmare unto real life, were rather abrupt, though with the kitten's parts, I didn't see a lot of that. So, basically...

 

Kitten part: Very nice.

 

Human part: Meh.

 

Write-off adaptation: Fairly good, keeping to what was originally written.

 

Moral: I liked it. A lot.

 

Overall: This story really made me laugh.


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#3 Offline Takuaka: Toa of Time

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Posted Jan 02 2013 - 10:08 PM

My first moment of amusement: When the kid thought his first present was peanuts. If it were me, (or most members here, I'd imagine) my natural conclusion would've been lego. Or maybe you did that on purpose?  :P

 

That kid definately got rather over-excited there. I found his whole escapade very amusing. Especially:

 

And besides, if there really was a puppy, it might be awake already, and very scared, wondering why it was in a box. He had to save it.

 

Nice excuse there. But notice he opened the other presents first. I guess he had to be sure he got the right one. Oh, and it was quite funny when he opened his father's socks, too. :lol:

 

The kitten was, well, cute, but I didn't find her (well, I imagined it as a she) quite as amusing as the kid. Well, not until she knocked over the tree, anyway. And you finished it off with one of the funniest lines: "Unconscious children don't cry." I can just imagine the dad's reaction there... And then the mother's. :lol: I wonder if that will remain her favorite type of tree.

 

I did find a few typos in the first few paragraphs, but otherwise it was quite an amusing ditty, if without significant meaning. (although I admit, I like your given moral) And obviously the judges agreed. :P

 

Kudos!


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This is where I'm supposed to have a signature, right? Alright, then.


Timaka: Toa of Time


I have very neat hand-writing.


#4 Offline Aderia

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Posted Jan 06 2013 - 01:47 PM

That was [color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"](beautiful? amazing? the work of a visionary?? XP)[/color][/font]

 

uh

 

I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that. I certainly like the idea of the piece, and they style is nice, if a little abrupt. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors (though that might just be because everything got corrected in my brain and so I didn't notice them anyways), though one thing I want to comment on:

 

A lot of the changes between, say, the kid's emotional responses [font="georgia, serif;"][color=rgb(128,0,128);](he's a cat hater, he has no emotion.), [/color][/font]the father coming down and beginning to talk, and the nightmare unto real life, were rather abrupt, though with the kitten's parts, I didn't see a lot of that. So, basically...

 

Kitten part: Very nice.

 

Human part: Meh. [color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"](haha, i guess you could tell that part was my original write off piece XD)[/color][/font]

 

Write-off adaptation: Fairly good, keeping to what was originally written.

 

Moral: I liked it. A lot.

 

Overall: This story really made me laugh. [color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"](yay!)[/color][/font]

 

 

My first moment of amusement: When the kid thought his first present was peanuts. If it were me, (or most members here, I'd imagine) my natural conclusion would've been lego. Or maybe you did that on purpose?  :P  [color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"](Didn't do that on purpose, haha, but maybe I should have let you keep the benefit of the doubt XD)[/color][/font]

 

That kid definately got rather over-excited there. I found his whole escapade very amusing. Especially:

 

And besides, if there really was a puppy, it might be awake already, and very scared, wondering why it was in a box. He had to save it.

 

Nice excuse there. But notice he opened the other presents first.[font="georgia, serif;"][color=rgb(128,0,128);](heh, you caught me there. oops)[/color][/font] I guess he had to be sure he got the right one. Oh, and it was quite funny when he opened his father's socks, too. :lol:[color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"] (i took this bit from a real life experience, actually =D)[/color][/font]

 

The kitten was, well, cute, but I didn't find her (well, I imagined it as a she) [font="georgia, serif;"][color=rgb(128,0,128);](So did I.)[/color][/font] quite as amusing as the kid. Well, not until she knocked over the tree, anyway. And you finished it off with one of the funniest lines: "Unconscious children don't cry." I can just imagine the dad's reaction there... And then the mother's. :lol: I wonder if that will remain her favorite type of tree.

 

I did find a few typos in the first few paragraphs, but otherwise it was quite an amusing ditty, if without significant meaning. (although I admit, I like your given moral) And obviously the judges agreed. :P

 

Kudos!

 

[color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"]=) Thank you both! I put comments I could think to make in your review I quoted up there. I've seen that style of replying to reveiws around the forums before, decided to give it a go. I think I like it.[/color][/font]


Edited by Aderia, Jan 06 2013 - 01:48 PM.

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(Irene Adler)

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#5 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Jan 11 2013 - 09:36 PM

I read this after the FFFC and found that this definitely deserved its first place position (not like I didn't think it did when I saw that anyway, haha). Unfortunately, I only reviewed it now, which is the part where I want to beat myself over the head for procrastinating. xP 

 

It was an amusing story, and I must say, I would have rather wanted the kitten anyway - no matter how cute puppies are, kittens will always be cuter. <3 It was definitely a good laugh, and brightened my day when I read it. The moral was very entertaining, and the overall simplicity of it was well done.

 

In short? I loved it. Keep up the good work, Aderia - I will be looking forward to your next story. c:


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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#6 Offline Takuaka: Toa of Time

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Posted Feb 05 2013 - 10:59 PM

That was [color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"](beautiful? amazing? the work of a visionary?? XP)[/color][/font]

 

uh

 

I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that. I certainly like the idea of the piece, and they style is nice, if a little abrupt. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors (though that might just be because everything got corrected in my brain and so I didn't notice them anyways), though one thing I want to comment on:

 

A lot of the changes between, say, the kid's emotional responses [font="georgia, serif;"][color=rgb(128,0,128);](he's a cat hater, he has no emotion.), [/color][/font]the father coming down and beginning to talk, and the nightmare unto real life, were rather abrupt, though with the kitten's parts, I didn't see a lot of that. So, basically...

 

Kitten part: Very nice.

 

Human part: Meh. [color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"](haha, i guess you could tell that part was my original write off piece XD)[/color][/font]

 

Write-off adaptation: Fairly good, keeping to what was originally written.

 

Moral: I liked it. A lot.

 

Overall: This story really made me laugh. [color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"](yay!)[/color][/font]

 

 

My first moment of amusement: When the kid thought his first present was peanuts. If it were me, (or most members here, I'd imagine) my natural conclusion would've been lego. Or maybe you did that on purpose?  :P  [color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"](Didn't do that on purpose, haha, but maybe I should have let you keep the benefit of the doubt XD)[/color][/font]

 

That kid definately got rather over-excited there. I found his whole escapade very amusing. Especially:

 

And besides, if there really was a puppy, it might be awake already, and very scared, wondering why it was in a box. He had to save it.

 

Nice excuse there. But notice he opened the other presents first.[font="georgia, serif;"][color=rgb(128,0,128);](heh, you caught me there. oops)[/color][/font] I guess he had to be sure he got the right one. Oh, and it was quite funny when he opened his father's socks, too. :lol:[color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"] (i took this bit from a real life experience, actually =D)[/color][/font]

 

The kitten was, well, cute, but I didn't find her (well, I imagined it as a she) [font="georgia, serif;"][color=rgb(128,0,128);](So did I.)[/color][/font] quite as amusing as the kid. Well, not until she knocked over the tree, anyway. And you finished it off with one of the funniest lines: "Unconscious children don't cry." I can just imagine the dad's reaction there... And then the mother's. :lol: I wonder if that will remain her favorite type of tree.

 

I did find a few typos in the first few paragraphs, but otherwise it was quite an amusing ditty, if without significant meaning. (although I admit, I like your given moral) And obviously the judges agreed. :P

 

Kudos!

 

[color=rgb(128,0,128);][font="georgia, serif;"]=) Thank you both! I put comments I could think to make in your review I quoted up there. I've seen that style of replying to reveiws around the forums before, decided to give it a go. I think I like it.[/color][/font]

 

 

Yeah, it's a nice way to go about it, but next time you might want to make a more obvious distinction between the color of your own text and the other person's. :P


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This is where I'm supposed to have a signature, right? Alright, then.


Timaka: Toa of Time


I have very neat hand-writing.





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