Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes
  • Participate in raffles to win LEGO prizes
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!



FFCC Short Story

  • Please log in to reply
3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Alex Humva

Alex Humva
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • OTC RPG Judge

  • 07-June 07
  • 2,681 posts

Posted Dec 31 2012 - 06:14 PM

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]It was with small steps she walked across the snow. She placed every foot in front of her with simple, cautious, grace. The twilight lit sky had vanished by now, replaced with the crisp clean light of a moon and the stars. The tranquility of the moment defied description, instead choosing to simply exist, rather than confine itself to simple human understanding. She truly knew peace, out here where no one ever looked. Knew peace from the rest of the corrupt world around her.[/font]


[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]She laid down, her soft velvet lined coat sinking into the snow. She hardly noticed the cold that was starting to come through her boots. She stared up at the stars with wonder and envy, imagining what it must be like to be one, to always be a beacon of light. Perhaps they were angels, sent from heaven to shine in the night. If only she could know one. She closed her eyes, wishing.[/font]


[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Instead of an angel though, she was greeted with memories. Memories of a cozy room, of her and her friend. They had always been the best of friends, and that night, she went to his house. It was Christmas Eve, and she might of drank some of the more potent egg nog before going over. She truly felt at home with him, but his parents didn't see it that way. They had come in, and... she cringed at the memory. So much screaming. She went to her parents, and they had little more to say. So she left her house, to the place where she truly knew peace. Came here and reflected on what exactly the holidays meant. Reflected on what exactly her life meant.[/font]


[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Her coughing broke her train of thought. She stood, still coughing, wondering why she truly came here. She slipped her hand into her coat, feeling the cold metal of a gun barrel. Silently, she took off her scarf, her hat, her coat, her boots. Soon she was dressed lightly, modestly but certainly not suitable for this sort of weather. She closed her eyes once more, feeling the chilled steel in her hands. Finally, she let a breath out, firing into the ice beneath her.[/font]


[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Her ears were too numb at this point to hurt as the sound went off. She instantly dropped, sinking rapidly into the icy water. With no air in her lungs she sank quickly, the water rapidly sapping all heat out of her uninsulated body. She smiled, though, even as death began its cold, uncaring, embrace. She didn't panic, didn't shake as her body reflexively gulped in the frosty lake water. She just smiled, knowing that she was going somewhere else. Somewhere where she'd be joyous. Somewhere where she could celebrate Christmas.[/font]


[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"][---][/font]


[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]So the Ambage write off on Sunday was Christmas in an effort to guilt people into the FFCC, so I complied and posted this. :P I don't think it's my best but I've been told it's a nice story.[/font]


  • 0


1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89

"In short, my English Lit friend, living in a mental world of absolute rights and wrongs, may be imagining that because all theories are wrong, the earth may be thought spherical now, but cubical next century, and a hollow icosahedron the next, and a doughnut shape the one after." -Isaac Asimov, responding to a letter he had received saying that scientific certainty was false, The Relativity of Wrong

#2 Offline Cederak

  • Outstanding BZPower Citizens
  • Axiomatic

  • 17-September 05
  • 4,180 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Jan 01 2013 - 08:35 PM

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Well that took a cold (freezing, even) turn for the unexpected. For a man guilted into writing for the FFFC, I would agree with your anonymous readers that told you it's "a nice story." Not a "nice" story, necessarily, but well-written for what it accomplishes. I would like to point out how clunky "The twilight lit sky had vanished by now" sounded. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the term, but "twilit" as in "twilit sky" would've worked better in my opinion. Just a casual though, I guess.[/color][/font]


[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Ah, how you can create a drama from the potency of teenage hormones made into emotions. The eye line of the misunderstood will have you looking at everything through strange, dreamy windows at a world of utter darkness and confusion. That appears to be the world your protagonist lives in, and I particularly liked all of her reflection on life throughout the tale. Just as the light reflects off the newly fallen snow, glittering across the atmosphere, so too does this young woman reflect on her futility to live as she might like in a world run by adults.[/color][/font]


[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]To end it like that…wow. Gun to the head seems the quick—somewhat messy—option, but if you were looking for bonus points with that dramatic, ice shattering instant, you certainly won them fair and square. I don't think I've ever encountered anyone taking that particular route with suicide (perhaps because it's a little bit specific, but still) and a rather theatrical performance to conclude in drowning. It hearkens back to how much the young man from the story really meant to her, and what being with him meant. I won't talk about order of priorities regarding this girl, because fiction often requires a suspension of disbelief to work, but the ending is a dark moment in an otherwise fairly innocent piece. I don't find myself to be the authority on where we should go when the last of our breath has left our lungs, and yet I find myself hoping that your made-up in a few minutes, fictional young lady finds her place to enjoy Christmas and what it means to her.[/color][/font]


[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Which means you did quite a job in convincing me to feel some kind of bond with your character in a small amount of time. A fine job, Alex.[/color][/font]


[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]-Ced[/color][/font]

  • 0

#3 Offline SkyLandOceAnna

  • Members
  • Inhabitant

  • 13-October 12
  • 0 posts

Posted Jan 03 2013 - 03:34 AM

[color=rgb(0,0,255);]The ending shocked me. I was not expecting that. Good job! The story was good and I think you accomplished what you set out to create with it. The only thing I got as far as criticism besides the twilight part Cederak mentioned, was that you had too many adverbs. I'm not sure if you were using them to reach a work limit or not, but if you can go without, my recommendation is 'do it.' Your biggest towards the end there was 'truly.' You used it twice as the statement 'truly knew peace' and then again shortly after, referring to the place where she was presently in all three of them. Now I'm not saying all the adverbs were unnecessary, but some of them were. The last two paragraphs seemed to contain the most and not all were needed in your story. However, I loved the story, especially with the twist at the end and the flashback to just minutes before she went to the place where 'she truly knew peace.' :) I look forward to your next short story. Thank you![/color]

  • 0

Wordsmith <3

#4 Offline Zaxvo

  • Members
  • Flying Force!

  • 21-May 06
  • 2,334 posts

Posted May 01 2013 - 11:16 PM

Hey, it's Zaxvo from the SSCC! Your story has been selected for a free review!Well, if I had to summarize your story in one line it would be this: Well that escalated quickly. You take the readers from a calm, peaceful, serene winter day to a depressing and bloody suicide. And not once does your writing falter. Color me impressed.It's a dark tale, in that traditionally, you know, Christmas is associated with laughter and happiness and cheer, and here those ideas are turned upside down. And it's an interesting take on society, that people would be facing such horror, in the midst of the holidays, that they would rather seek death's cold embrace. Very grim, very chilling.My reviews are usually longer than this, but that's because I tend to ramble about the things that I didn't like about the story. In your case, you set out with a purpose in mind, and every single thing in the tale is all working towards that. Your descriptions are pitch perfect, vivid yet concise, and your writing style is simply exquisite to read.Well done.
  • 0


0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users