The Musings of a Universe

[KennyWhee]

[Authors Note: This particular piece of writing started off with me a. wanting to become involved in BZP after a three year hiatus, b. wanting to write more, and regularly, c. wanting to improve my comedic or witty writing for the simple sake of wanting to and d. really not wanting to finish up my essay on Richard III and his motives. It's a little bit different to the other comedies, as far as I can tell, and is very different to other comedies I have written in the past. For the sake of not having any confusion, this particular project will chronicle the thoughts and musings of one (1) Great Spirit Mata Nui, from creation to whenever. And so, I begin:]

 

ONE

 

Being a massive, near omnipotent robot, designed solely for the purpose of recombining fragments of a massive planet together, can get one very existential.

 

My name is the Great Spirit Mata Nui. As far as I’m concerned, the Universe revolves around me. And when I say Universe, of course, I mean the miniature Universe contained within my metal body.

 

(Body? Hull? I rather am a spaceship, after all. Being an immensely powerful God-Robot does have its ups and downs, the latter of which normally involves problems of vocabulary and etymology. I mean, can you really call a finger a finger if it’s the size of a small city? What is a small city? When do cities become small? All these questions and none of those Great Beings seem interested in giving me answers. It’s always “go save our planet” this or “go ensure no more Energised Protodermis leaks about since it’s actually a sapient, highly malevolent liquid that will you know never mind just trust us and don’t let anyone drink it” that. Honestly, it’s like they think they made me or something. Which I suppose they did. Besides the point. They’re rather mysterious and throw terrible dinner parties.)

 

I should explain, of course. Despite the fact that I am a robot, I am also a self-contained Universe. Within me there are hundreds of thousands of nanoorganisms, which really aren’t that nano at all, indeed, most are about the same size as the creatures back on the home planet, but the Great Beings (pretentious as they are) have decided that because these things are within me, a much larger creation, they are nano. It shouldn’t surprise you to learn that for all the talk about being master creators, most Great Beings are actually nothing more than Great-Middle-Management-Marketing-Sub-Executives. Complete tools, the lot of them.

 

Back to where we were. These little creatures within me will live out their lives, labouring, making friendships, and generally partaking in the wonderful experience that is life. They do have a lot of that. Life. The average lifespan is well over a hundred thousand years. Well, I say years. What does a year even mean? Back on Spherus Magna, it was the time it took to make one complete orbit around Solis Magna, 365.25 days. But then again, what is a day? On Spherus Magna, it was the time it took for the planet to make one complete rotation about its vertical axis, 24 hours. If you ask what an hour is, it is sixty minutes, and a minute is sixty seconds. A second is the time it takes for my meteorite sized fist to turn lifeforms that ask annoying questions into a small coloured splotch planet-side.

 

It is at this point I wish to note an odd coincidence, that the rotational and orbital periods of Spherus Magna were identical to that of a small, insignificant blue-green spheroid of a planet in some backwater system a half-galaxy away. Nearby, in fact, to a curious planet on which lives a species of entirely intelligent robotic creatures that assemble Hero constructs to carry out missions to defend their rather blue-coloured civilisation against villains with a penchant for evil laughs, conspicuous armour and terrible names. But I digress. Coincidences like these are commonplace in an infinite Universe, and by, well, me, is this Universe infinite.

 

Not the one inside me. The one full of space and galaxies and planets and a statistically improbably amount of frozen calcium-based cephalopod exoskeletons. You know. That Universe.

 

I am terribly lonely.

Edited January 2, 2013 by KennyWhee