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The Lonely

songfic christina perri

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4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Aderia

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 12:49 PM

The Lonely2am wheRe do i bEgin?crYing oFf my faCe aGainThe silenT soUnd of loneLinesswaNts to fOllow me To beDWe were family, doubtless.We fought side by side like ten legions together.We laughed in the face of danger.We patrolled the city in sheeting rain, but we didn’t mind.We were there for one another no matter what.We were family.i'm a Ghost oF a giRltHat i waNt tO bE mOsti'M the shEll oF a girLthAt i uSed to knoW wellAnd our family was perfect. Of course there were spatterings of disagreement here and there to keep us on our toes, debates that got a bit too heated once in a while, et cetera. But that’s how the world works. We were the ideal team. When personal shortcomings caused one of us to falter, another one of us was always there to lend aid. We could practically communicate without speaking. We could recognize each other by the pattern of our footfalls.daNcing sloWly in aN emPty roOmCan the loneLy taKe the plaCe of yOuI siNg mySelf a qUieT lulLabyleT yoU go aNd leT the lOnely iNto tAke my hearT againAs time wore on, our family grew more and more flawless. At least that’s what anyone else would say. There was one thing wrong with us. And that one thing was so perfectly wrong that nobody saw it until it was too late. That one thing that went unchecked and strengthened in secret went on to tear the team apart from the inside out. Nobody was the same again.too aFraid to gO insiDefoR tHe paiN of onE moRe loveLess nigHtfOr the lonEliness will sTay with mEanD hold Me till i fAll asleepThat one thing was me.I'm the ghOst of A girLthAt i wanT to be moSti'm the shEll of a giRLthaT i uSed to kNow wellIn short, when I fell, they tore me away from my broken family, locked me away and tortured me. Not the physically painful kind of torture, I believe that was below my captors, but solitary confinement; solitary confinement, long arduous interrogations, and quality time alone with me, myself and I. However much the ache in my heart told me otherwise, I did not miss my team or civilization.DancinG sLowly in an eMpty roOmcaN the loneLy taKe the plAce of yoUi siNg mysElf a QuiEt lUllabyleT you gO and let the loNely intO takE my heArt againDuring my time with myself, I liked to laugh. I laughed aloud, in my head, in my heart, and it echoed long for all to hear. What did I care if they heard? Laughing is good. But when you look back on your past and realize how horribly weak and flippantly silly you were, you can’t help but chuckle a bit. I remember myself. I was young and foolish, with visions of becoming a hero. When I was introduced to my team, my family, I was swept away with all their ‘unity, duty, destiny’ jabber. I was taken by their delusional vision of protecting the prosperity.broKen pieCes oFa baRely breAthiNg stOrywhEre theRe once waS loVenoW therE's onLy meaNd the loNeLyBut most of all, I was enchanted by the team’s leader, a brave, dashing and charming character. I hung on his every word. He commanded my total admiration. I was infatuated and we both knew it. But year after year dragged on and neither of us acted on this. I couldn’t do anything about this, but he played the part of deliberate dismissal of this matter. When I came to terms with this, I sobered up. Looking back, when I realized this, I also realized I wasn’t captivated by him as much as I was by the power and authority he radiated. It became clear then that I sought supremacy and control, and I had been seeking it in all the wrong places. Why aspire to be and work at becoming a hero when have the means to become a queen overnight?danCing sloWly in an emPty rooMcAn the lonely tAke the pLace of yOui siNg myselF a quiEt lullaByleT you go anD let thE loneLy into taKe mY heaRt aGainThe only problem is that overnight turned out to be longer than I expected. Painstakingly careful plans turned to eager and hasty actions which led to sloppy results and ended in imprisonment. But nothing can stand in the way of true inspirations and genius. Setbacks are a part of life and that which doesn’t kill can only strengthen. When I return, which is inevitable of course, my name will be go down next to those of the Great Spirit, Arthaka, and Karzahni, Tren Krom and other legends of our time.Toa Tuyet

---

Disclaimer: Lyrics to the song 'The Lonely' belong to Christina Perri.


Edited by Aderia, Jun 26 2012 - 10:30 AM.

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#2 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 04:48 PM

Wow...pretty good story, Aderia. Really loved the story and how it slowly turned out to be Tuyet. ^_^ An interesting tale, and enjoyable. However, my one complaint was that it wasn't very long. Not that the length is the most important thing, but you could have provided more backstory. Of course, the story was required to be the length of the song, so you need to level it with a similar amount of story and song combined, I guess. I can't really say as much as I'd like to, but I really did enjoy this. Keep up the good work! =) (Also, love the banner. Ducklings = <3 :P)
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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#3 Offline Aderia

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Posted Oct 26 2011 - 05:23 PM

Wow...pretty good story, Aderia. Really loved the story and how it slowly turned out to be Tuyet. ^_^ An interesting tale, and enjoyable. However, my one complaint was that it wasn't very long. Not that the length is the most important thing, but you could have provided more backstory. Of course, the story was required to be the length of the song, so you need to level it with a similar amount of story and song combined, I guess. I can't really say as much as I'd like to, but I really did enjoy this. Keep up the good work! =) (Also, love the banner. Ducklings = <3 :P)

Thanks peach!! I always appreciate your reviews :) Haha, length seems to be my recurring issue with my short stories, but I'm okay with that because it gives me something to work at.

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#4 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

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Posted Jun 27 2012 - 01:45 PM

Something went horribly wrong with your keyboard as you were entering the lyrics. And I will have nightmares.That said, this wasn't bad. I personally prefer my stories shown, not told; I like to live in a scene, not to hear a long-winded backstory. However, because that was the very purpose of the story and it was done so well, I approve. It put an interesting perspective on a Toa Team, calling it a family. That's not really the way I generally look at any Toa Team. And it was a nice little surprise at the end to find out that this was Tuyet speaking. That's a bit of a cliché, however, and I felt it coming from the beginning. Still, up until nearly the end the identity of the narrator was unknown, and only then did I identify Tuyet. It was a good twist.For what it was, you did a great job. I think you succeeded in what you were trying to do, even if it was not, banally speaking, my cup of tea.Grammatically, I commend you. I only noticed one mistake, and I have only one other nitpick. Conveniently, they were side by side:

But most of all, I was enchanted by the team’s leader, a brave, dashing and charming character. I hung on his every word. He commanded my total admiration. I was infatuated and we both knew it. But year after year dragged on and neither of us acted on this. I couldn’t do anything about this, but he played the part of deliberate dismissal of this matter. When I came to terms with this, I sobered up. Looking back, when I realized this, I also realized I wasn’t captivated by him as much as I was by the power and authority he radiated. It became clear then that I sought supremacy and control, and I had been seeking it in all the wrong places. Why aspire to be and work at becoming a hero when have the means to become a queen overnight?

The word this was used a few too many times for my taste; it just became repetitive.Also, you were missing the pronoun between when and have; but better yet, you could change it to when one has. This wasn't my preference, but I did enjoy it. So good job.

Keep writing,

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:


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#5 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Jun 28 2012 - 12:37 PM

...This...So epic...Yeah, that's my impression. On My Own goes perfectly with this as background music, which added to the experience.Overall? This story is great. Very great, short, but wonderful.Yeah, I know, praise, praise, praise, does it get repetitious? I doubt it. This is definitely one of your better stories, as short as it was. The portrayal of Tuyet was simply amazing.Nuile pointed out the only nitpick in the story that I can find, besides the weird capitalization of the lyrics.When (aka if) I make another favorite SS list, this gets on it, no question.
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