Aderia Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 (edited) The Lonely 2am wheRe do i bEgin? crYing oFf my faCe aGain The silenT soUnd of loneLiness waNts to fOllow me To beD We were family, doubtless. We fought side by side like ten legions together.We laughed in the face of danger. We patrolled the city in sheeting rain, but we didn’t mind, because we had each other. We were there for one another no matter what. We were family. i'm a Ghost oF a giRl tHat i waNt tO bE mOst i'M the shEll oF a girL thAt i uSed to knoW well And our family was perfect. Of course there were spatterings of disagreement here and there to keep us on our toes, debates that got a bit too heated once in a while, et cetera. But that’s how relationships work. You have to make them work. We were the ideal team. When personal shortcomings caused one of us to falter, another one of us was always there to lend aid. We could practically communicate without speaking. We could recognize each other by the pattern of our footfalls. daNcing sloWly in aN emPty roOm Can the loneLy taKe the plaCe of yOu I siNg mySelf a qUieT lulLaby leT yoU go aNd leT the lOnely iN to tAke my hearT again As time wore on, our family grew more and more flawless. At least that’s what anyone else would say. There was one thing wrong with us. And that one thing was so perfectly wrong that nobody saw it until it was too late. That one thing that went unchecked and strengthened in secret went on to tear the team apart from the inside out. Nobody was the same again. too aFraid to gO insiDe foR tHe paiN of onE moRe loveLess nigHt fOr the lonEliness will sTay with mE anD hold Me till i fAll asleep That one thing was me. I'm the ghOst of A girL thAt i wanT to be moSt i'm the shEll of a giRL thaT i uSed to kNow well In short, when I fell, they tore me away from my broken family, locked me away and tortured me. Not the physically painful kind of torture, I believe that was below my captors, but solitary confinement; solitary confinement, long arduous interrogations, and quality time alone with me, myself and I. However much the ache in my heart told me otherwise, I did not miss my team or civilization. I did not miss it. Did not. DancinG sLowly in an eMpty roOm caN the loneLy taKe the plAce of yoU i siNg mysElf a QuiEt lUllaby leT you gO and let the loNely in tO takE my heArt again During my time with myself, I liked to laugh. I laughed aloud, in my head, in my heart, and it echoed long for all to hear. What did I care if they heard? They weren't even there. Besides, laughing is good. But when you look back on your past and realize how horribly weak and flippantly silly you were, you can’t help but chuckle a bit. I remember myself. I was young and foolish, with visions of becoming a hero. At some point, some would even say that I had been one. When I was introduced to my team, my family, I was swept away with all their ‘unity, duty, destiny’ jabber. I was taken by their delusional vision of protecting the prosperity. broKen pieCes oF a baRely breAthiNg stOry whEre theRe once waS loVe noW therE's onLy me aNd the loNeLy But most of all, I was enchanted by the team’s leader, a brave, dashing and charming character. I hung on his every word. He commanded my total admiration. I was infatuated and we both knew it. But year after year dragged on and neither of us acted on this. I couldn’t do anything about this, but he played the part of deliberate dismissal of this matter. When I came to terms with this, I sobered up. Looking back, when I realized this, I also realized I wasn’t captivated by him as much as I was by the power and authority he radiated. It became clear, then, that I sought supremacy and control, and I had been seeking it in all the wrong places. Why aspire to be and work at becoming a hero when have the means to become a queen overnight? danCing sloWly in an emPty rooM cAn the lonely tAke the pLace of yOu i siNg myselF a quiEt lullaBy leT you go anD let thE loneLy in to taKe mY heaRt aGain The only problem is that 'overnight' turned out to be longer than I expected. Painstakingly careful plans turned to eager and hasty actions which led to sloppy results and ended in imprisonment. But nothing can stand in the way of true inspirations and genius. Setbacks are a part of life. That which doesn’t kill can only strengthen. When I return, which I will, my name will be go down next to those of the Great Spirit, Arthaka, and Karzahni, Tren Krom and other legends of our time. Toa Tuyet. --- Disclaimer: Lyrics to the song 'The Lonely' belong to Christina Perri. Edited January 17, 2020 by Aderia Quote (disclaimer: none of this banner art is original, I just smooshed it together in gimp. Torchic, Matau) Those pesky firespitters... Library | The Sculptors and the Smelters | The Ternion | Review Topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peach 00 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Wow...pretty good story, Aderia. Really loved the story and how it slowly turned out to be Tuyet. An interesting tale, and enjoyable. However, my one complaint was that it wasn't very long. Not that the length is the most important thing, but you could have provided more backstory. Of course, the story was required to be the length of the song, so you need to level it with a similar amount of story and song combined, I guess. I can't really say as much as I'd like to, but I really did enjoy this. Keep up the good work! =) (Also, love the banner. Ducklings = <3 ) Quote On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away slipped away... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aderia Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 Wow...pretty good story, Aderia. Really loved the story and how it slowly turned out to be Tuyet. An interesting tale, and enjoyable. However, my one complaint was that it wasn't very long. Not that the length is the most important thing, but you could have provided more backstory. Of course, the story was required to be the length of the song, so you need to level it with a similar amount of story and song combined, I guess. I can't really say as much as I'd like to, but I really did enjoy this. Keep up the good work! =) (Also, love the banner. Ducklings = <3 ) Thanks peach!! I always appreciate your reviews Haha, length seems to be my recurring issue with my short stories, but I'm okay with that because it gives me something to work at. Quote (disclaimer: none of this banner art is original, I just smooshed it together in gimp. Torchic, Matau) Those pesky firespitters... Library | The Sculptors and the Smelters | The Ternion | Review Topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Something went horribly wrong with your keyboard as you were entering the lyrics. And I will have nightmares.That said, this wasn't bad. I personally prefer my stories shown, not told; I like to live in a scene, not to hear a long-winded backstory. However, because that was the very purpose of the story and it was done so well, I approve. It put an interesting perspective on a Toa Team, calling it a family. That's not really the way I generally look at any Toa Team. And it was a nice little surprise at the end to find out that this was Tuyet speaking. That's a bit of a cliché, however, and I felt it coming from the beginning. Still, up until nearly the end the identity of the narrator was unknown, and only then did I identify Tuyet. It was a good twist.For what it was, you did a great job. I think you succeeded in what you were trying to do, even if it was not, banally speaking, my cup of tea.Grammatically, I commend you. I only noticed one mistake, and I have only one other nitpick. Conveniently, they were side by side:But most of all, I was enchanted by the team’s leader, a brave, dashing and charming character. I hung on his every word. He commanded my total admiration. I was infatuated and we both knew it. But year after year dragged on and neither of us acted on this. I couldn’t do anything about this, but he played the part of deliberate dismissal of this matter. When I came to terms with this, I sobered up. Looking back, when I realized this, I also realized I wasn’t captivated by him as much as I was by the power and authority he radiated. It became clear then that I sought supremacy and control, and I had been seeking it in all the wrong places. Why aspire to be and work at becoming a hero when have the means to become a queen overnight?The word this was used a few too many times for my taste; it just became repetitive.Also, you were missing the pronoun between when and have; but better yet, you could change it to when one has. This wasn't my preference, but I did enjoy it. So good job.Keep writing,Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith Quote When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . . I know I am ready to start my voyage. A Musing Author . . . Want to read my books? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grantaire Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 ...This...So epic...Yeah, that's my impression. On My Own goes perfectly with this as background music, which added to the experience.Overall? This story is great. Very great, short, but wonderful.Yeah, I know, praise, praise, praise, does it get repetitious? I doubt it. This is definitely one of your better stories, as short as it was. The portrayal of Tuyet was simply amazing.Nuile pointed out the only nitpick in the story that I can find, besides the weird capitalization of the lyrics.When (aka if) I make another favorite SS list, this gets on it, no question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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