Chapter 10: The Seventh Moron
( Last time, Takua, Jaller, and Pewku arrived at the Kini-Nui and were attacked by all six Rahkshi, only to be then rescued by all six Toa Nuva. Sadly, however, the Nuva missed one, and Jaller died protecting Takua from it. Now, Takua sits beside his dead friend as dramatic music plays. . . )
Takua: And to think the previous owner of your mask died in a similar fashion. . . Really makes ya' think.
Director: Hey! No spoiling future story-line!
( Takua gets to his feet, looks at the mask, and Jaller's voice echoes in his head. )
Jaller's Voice Inside Takua's Head: You know who you are... are... are... Hey! Hey! Hey... Cool! Echo! Echo! Echo...
Pewku: I always knew the inside of your head would echo, Takua.
( Then, as Takua realizes his destiny at last, he puts on the mask. He stands there for a moment with the Avohkii over his Pakari, looking like some kind of chibi Toa, and then his limbs stretch and the light gets too bright to see and he is transformed into a Toa of Light! )
Director: . . . Oh, snap. The filmcrew is reflecting off of his armor. >_> We'll have to edit that out later.
George Lucas: I know, I had the same trouble trouble with C-3PO. Isn't it a pain?
Director: G- G- G- GEORGE LUCAS IS IN MY STUDIO!!!
George Lucas: O_o Er, uh, no I'm not! *instantly vanishes*
Director: *cry* WHY?!?!?! I wanted an autograph... *cry*
Gali: Do you need a tissue?
Director: Nah. . . I'm alright. . . *sniff* Get on with the scene. . .
Toa of Light: I am Takanuva, Toa of Light.
Taku Sarcastically: No, really? We would never have guessed you were a Toa of Light from the flashy armor, the mask, and the legend foretelling the coming of a Toa of Light!
Takanuva: Well, I don't suppose you knew what I was going to name myself!
Taku: Of course I did! I read the script, after all. . .
( Turahk is apparently still standing nearby throughout all of this, although he's not paying an ounce of attention, and is instead imagining himself on the stage of a "rahk" concert, quietly singing to himself. . . But just then, Takanuva blasts him with a beam of light from his "Kolhii Staff". )
Turahk: AHAHA!!! I CAN FEEL THE RAHK!!!
( Turahk falls unconscious, and Takanuva blasts a nearby statue, carving it into the shape of his old Pakari. )
Hafu: *appears out of thin air* Another Takua original. *nodnod* *vanishes into thin air*
Pewku: Gee, Takanuva, naming yourself and carving a statue of your mask... Modest, aren't we?
Takanuva: Sure are.
Takanuva: Haha! What fun! I could shoot blasts of light all day!
( He then notices Jaller. )
Takanuva: Oh, right...
( So Jaller picks up Takanuva and - no, wait, switch those around - and carries him down the steps of the Kini-Nui and between the two lines formed by the six Toa Nuva. )
Takanuva (whispering to Jaller): Wanna go see a movie when we're done filming today?
Jaller(whispering to Takua): Sure, and don't forget the Cheese Nip-flavored popcorn this time.
Takanuva: Heh heh. . .
( And so, we skip the funeral scene. The script-writer had written one and wanted to at least include it on the DVD as a deleted scene, but for reasons I will shortly explain, it was left out. In it the Toa, Turaga, and many Matoran had payed their respects to their deceased comrade and many touching speeches were iterated and songs sung.
Unfortunately, the actor Matoran portraying Jaller was kidded so badly by friends and family and he was so embarrassed, that he snuck into the editing room in the dark of night and burned the footage. And so, unfortunately, the funeral scene was given. . . A funeral. Thank you. )
( Now, Makuta's voice is heard as Takanuva walks between the Toa, while the image slowly shifts to his lair. )
Makuta: So. . . the soda machine is out of order, my brother. . . rut soon, it shall also. . . be repaired. . . Muwahaha!
( Then the scene shifts back to Takanuva, who is now gazing sadly at Jaller's mask as it floats in a beam of light emitting from the Kini-Suva. )
Kopaka: *gasp* Tractor beam!
( Yeah, sort of, I guess. )
Takanuva: All this. . . Just to replace the funeral scene?
Jaller's Mask: Yup.
Takanuva: O_o . . . *ahem* And to discover who I am?
( Vakama walks into the scene. )
Director: GET OUT OF THE- Oh, wait, he's actually supposed to be in this scene. . . Right. It's been so long.
Vakama: You have finally found your own story, and still you seek answers.
Takanuva: Yeah, "Bob Eats a Cheeze It" sure has come a long way since Le-Wahi. . . I have characters and a plot now. But how do you spell "once upon a time"?
Vakama: Atanuimay isay iserway anthay allay.
Takanuva: What? O_o
Vakama: It's pig latin!
Takanuva: Pigs speak latin? o-o
Vakama: >_< It means, Mata Nui is wiser than all! Sheesh. . .
Takanuva: Ah. . .
Vakama: The path you walked was not to be here, *waves hand around* but in here. *pokes Takanuva's chest with staff*
Takanuva: Ow. . . I was strollin' through my heart one day,
In the merry merry month of Tuesday,
I was taken by surprise,
By Makuta's bloodshot eyes-
Director: Hey! We had enough singing back during the funeral scene! X_x
Takanuva: Aww. . .
Vakama: You understand. Your density is clear.
Vakama: Uh, I mean, your destiny is clear. . . Yeah.
Takanuva: Jaller's sacrifice will not be vain.
Jaller's Sacrifice: What? I am not conceited! Besides, I won the beauty pagent, didn't I?
Takanuva: O_o I mean, Jaller's sacrfice will not be in vain. . . Yeah.
Jaller's Sacrifice: I WANNA GO TO SPAIN!
Takanuva: Go away!
Jaller's Sacrifice: You're mean! *runs away crying*
Takanuva: >_> Drama queen.
( The Toa Nuva, and assumably Takanuva, proceed to build a vehicle from Rahkshi and Bohrok-Kal parts. Tahu and Lewa put on a couple last pieces. But if you pay close attention to this part of the DVD, three pieces float in the air, glowing yellow, and attach themselves to the vehicle. . . Odd. Is Nuju playing telekinetic tricks again? )
Nuju: *whistles innocently*
( Or was it a ghost! We might never know. At any rate, Takanuva presently walks over to Tahu and Lewa. )
Lewa: How will this way-find the Makuta?
Takanuva: Kopaka let me borrow his Satellite Tracking System.
Tahu: But Makuta's lair is underground. . .
Takanuva: Oh, yeah. . . I guess I'll just stick these bunny slippers in the ItemTracer5000. After all, what is the Makuta's shall return to him.
Lewa: That makes no logic-sense. . .
Kopaka: Sure it does! I made it, and it simply uses the gyroscopic conflagurator to scan the geonetic signature of the item, living or otherwise, and traces the signature's geometric triginometrical line to the place of it's origin.
Lewa: Huh? Didn't get a phrase-word of that, sorry. You lost me at "sure."
Tahu: Yeah, me too.
( The seven Toa stand around the now-completed Ussanui as Hahli dramatically steps forward, holding Jaller's Hau. )
Hahli: Jaller was your herald.
Vakama: *cry* I still can't believe it! Why didn't I get to be the herald? WHY?!?! *cry*
Hahli: Let him continue to lead you to victory.
( Hahli puts the mask on the front of the Ussanui. )
Takanuva: Well said, Hahli.
Pohatu: Not much room in this transport.
Takanuva: You only just noticed? O_o
Pohatu: Where will we all sit, brother?
Takanuva: On the handle-bars, of course!
Other Toa: 0.o
Takanuva: I mean, you won't. You shall not join me.
( The other Toa cheer for joy. )
Onua: Now we can all go to my house! And watch movies, thumb wrestle, and eat Cheese Nips all night!
Other Toa: Hooray!
Director: Wrong emotion, people. . .
Onua: Oh, right. Okay, starting again. 1, 2, 3!
( The Toa gasp in surprise. )
Pohatu: But united, our power overcame the Rahkshi!
Takanuva: Yeah, except for Turahk, though I got him afterwards, so I suppose if you meant all seven of us united, then. . .
Tahu: Certainly it will take nothing less to defeat the Makuta.
Gali: After all, it's been working on the director all movie, right?
Takanuva: I have but one destiny. That is, other than eventually transforming into a Titan-sized Toa of Twilight, and then shrinking down to the size of an Av-Matoran and switching my gold with silver, and-
Director: QUIT SPOILING FUTURE STORY-LINES!!!
Takanuva: XD But other than that, I have but one density. Er, destiny. . . >_< Yours lie with the Matoran and the Turaga. Not to mention Karda-
Director: I'M--GOING--TO STRANGLE---RRRRRRR!
Takanva: o.o Yipe. Um, so gather them and wait for my return.
( Takanuva hops on the Ussanui and starts it's engine, which I suppose Nuparu must have only just invented, as I don't recall ever seeing any engines on Mata Nui before now, unless the Boxor had one, but- Uh, the director's tapping his foot now. . . So, anyway, the Ussanui's landing gear retracts and it lifts into the air. I also don't recall seeing anything with repulsorlifts before now. Takanuva directs the Ussanui into a big hole in the ground, which is, assumably, the hole left when Guurahk, Lerahk, and Panrahk blew up the Kini-Suva. )
Pewku: He's left me behind again! Then again, do I want to face Makuta? Not really. . .
( Takanuva flies along the tube-like hole that leads down to an underground cavernous area, which he then proceeds to fly along, dodging stalactite-pillars and taking pictures as he goes. )
Takanuva: Wahoo! Large intestine here I come! 8D
( Halfway down the tunnel, Takanuva spots an underground drive-through. )
Takanuva: Oh, goody! There's absolutely no logic behind an underground drive-through, unless of course it's near Onu-Koro, which this one isn't, but who cares! I'm starved!
( The big neon sign above the building says: "McMorons" )
Director: I was going to say that nothing surprises me anymore, but apparently I was wrong. O_o Uh. . .
( Takanuva happily pulls up to the window, which is manned by an extremely old and rusty Matoran, so rusty in fact that it's impossible to tell what his element is. Or was. . . Anyway, the Matoran snores loudly for a few moments, then wakes up to see Takanuva. )
Drive-In Window Matoran: What'sh thish? A cushtomer! We ain't had one in chenturies! What'll it be, pal?
( As he speaks and [stiffly] moves, rust dust rains off of him, and his mouth looks as if it's about to fall off, too, as do the rest of his parts. )
Takanuva: I'll take a Kane-Ra Burger and some Gukko Nuggets, please!
Drive-In Window Matoran: Hey, Charley! We gotsh a cushtomer! Give him an Order 3, will ya'?
( As soon as "Charley" remembers what an Order 3 is, he ecstatically starts up the old grill, which is also incredibly rusty. )
Director: I can't imagine the centuries-old food here will taste very good. . .
Drive-In Window Matoran: Hey! Don't knock it 'til you try it!
Director: No thanks. . .
( Takanuva waits a few minutes, and then the Matoran at the window hands him his meal. Takanuva thanks the Matoran and drives off. )
Drive-In Window Matoran: Ya' know what, Charley? I'll betcha thish ish the shart of a new trend! I'll betcha shoon there'll be bushloadsh of people in here!
Charley: Keep dreamin', pal.
( Later, Takanuva continues flying down the tunnel, which is apparently a lot longer than it later seems in the final version of the movie. )
Takanuva: Ah. . . That food was good.
Director: No comment.
Takanuva: Hey, look! Makuta's front door! Oh, there's no knocker. . . What a shame. . . Oh, well! I know how to improvise! 8D Pinata!!!
( Takanuva flies the Ussanui straight into the big door, nimbly flipping off at the last moment. The Ussanui explodes, making a big crack in the door. )
Takanuva: That should get his attention. . .
( Takanuva walks up to the wreckage. Just then, two Matoran pop out of two of the kraata compartments. )
Takanuva: Hahli! And. . . Oh, no. . . >_<
Taku: *chucks tomato* I knew you missed me!
Hahli: *picks up Jaller's mask from the wreckage* It's time someone was your Chronicler.
Taku: Yeah, and she's just along for the ride.
Hahli: >_> Suuure...
( The three of them enter Makuta's lair, Takanuva holding Makuta's bunny slippers, Hahli holding Jaller's mask, and Taku holding a rubber chicken. )
Takanuva: -.- I'm not even going to ask. . .
Taku: Good! *hugglesquishes chicken*
( Takanuva stops, signals for the others to stop, too, and then walks on ahead, reaching several pools of protodermis, together forming the shape of the Bionicle symbol. Around the pool are many greenish pillars. He stops and throws the bunny slippers to the ground. )
Director: *sigh* If it weren't for CGI-replacement, those would be a problem.
( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. )
Hahli: 0_o Am I the only one who found that incredibly disturbing?
Slippers: Daddy! Daddy!
( The slippers slither up to Makuta. )
Makuta: Oh, my poor babies! *scoops them up* My precious poopsies! Did that mean old Toa of Light hurt you? *cuddles the slippers and then sets them down* Now, go hide in the bedroom while I deal with the intruder, and I'll see you later.
Slippers: Okay! *slither off*
Director: That. . . was. . . so very, very disturbing. . .
Makuta: Uh. . . You didn't see that!
Takanuva: You can no longer ad-lib in shadow.
Makuta: I am not. . . not shadow.
Takanuva: Hey, you mustn't never use no double negatives.
Makuta: Right. . . I am the shadow that gates the guard.
Takanuva: That sounded violent for some reason. . .
Makuta: Now, run along. I'm not interested in Girl Scout cookies right now.
Makuta: Or accept your mood... Which is "doom" backwards.
Takanuva: I am done running. My legs are killing me. . . despite the fact that I was riding the Ussanui all the way here. But at any rate, Mata Nui will be awakened this day!
Mata Nui (with Michael Dorn's voice): Don't I wish. . .
Director: Now don't you start spoiling plots!
Mata Nui: Well. . .
Takanuva: Hahli! Summon the Matoran!
Hahli: *deep breath* Oh, MATORAN!!!
Takanuva: o.o That's not. . . what I meant. . .
Hahli: Uh. . . It's done.
( Hahli leaves Makuta's lair, while a now-unconscious Taku lies in a corner. )
Makuta: Light of Toa, now so bold. . .
Takanuva: Am I?
Makuta: But at heart, you are still just Takua.
Takanuva: So I won't! Maybe Jaller will!
Makuta: 0.o What? You flailed to save your fiend. . . Don't ask me why. . . You didn't even warm him. . . Not that you would. . . Perhaps for your next great failure. . . A simple game of checkers.
Takanuva: Checkers? Really? Well. . . Nah. . . I stink at checkers.
Makuta: Alright. How about Parcheesi?
Makuta: Mouse Trap?
Takanuva: I always found that one depressing.
Makuta: O_o Uh. . . Go-fish then?
Takanuva: I hate the smell of fish.
Makuta: >_> Monopoly?
Takanuva: o.O Mo-who-oly?
Makuta: DX This is getting tiresome. . . How about Kolhii?
Takanuva: Well, I stink at that, too. . . Ga-Koro beat Ta-Koro at our own field. . . And I almost knocked Vakama through a wall. . . But, sure, why not?
Taku: Hey, why does Makuta want to turn this final confrontation into a simple game, anyhow?
Director: He's weird that way. Doesn't like the direct approach.
Taku: Ah. . . Say, Makuta's ceiling is shaped funny. . .
Makuta: A simple game of Kolhii, then. Win, and. . . Tell him what he'll win, Harriet.
Harriet: Right, Mak, *wink* if our contestant manages to win this match, it's. . . A NEW car!
Takanuva: 8D Squee!
Director: o.0 Who's she?
Harriet: Makuta's lovely assistant!
Director: . . . Moving on!
Makuta: I meant to say. . . Win, and you may try to open the gate. . . When you lose, I'll have your Cheese Nips. . . And that mask.
Takanuva: *unsheathes Kolhii Staff* I will. Not. Lose.
( The match begins. )
Taku: Hey! They'll need an announcer! *grabs a microphone* Hello out there, all you dudes and dudettes! Ha ha! Welcome to the toally awesome and epic Kolhii Match of the Century! Mangaia welcomes two teams: From the island above, our own pain in the neck turned hero-
Taku: -Takanuva! And from the shadows of Mangaia, the Master of Darkness himself, Makuta!
Director: This brings back painful memories. . .
( A ball of solid protodermis [which is covered in logos, predominantly a "Barney: Live" one] shoots out of the center protodermis pool and flies high into the air. )
Taku: Okay, our two teams leap into the air after the ball, and (Wow!) Takanuva takes posession with a totally cool move where he grabs it and flips over Makuta's head! Watch out for his Shadow Staff, Tak! He goes from a pillar to the ground and flings the ball, charged with light, at Makuta! Makuta catches it with his staff and charges it with darkness, then flings it back! Takanuva leaps into the air just as the ground explodes beneath him and lands on a pillar! And he's safe! Two points!
Makuta: This isn't baseball!
( Up above, at Kini-Nui, the Toa Nuva and Turaga are gathered around the hole in the ground. They take turns tossing coins into it. )
Tahu: It's bound to bring us good luck. . .
Lewa: Yeah, and Makuta shall soon be fortune-rich! . . . How is that good luck?
( Just then, Hahli climbs out of the hole, and then knocks some coins off her mask. )
Hahli: I bring word from the Mole-People! We are to submit to them as our rulers!
Everyone Else: O.0
Director: That wasn't in the script. But what is, anymore? DX
Hahli: Well, Takanuva sends word, too. He wants us to follow.
Tahu: Finally! *dances and sings* Time to get, pasted aga-ain, boo-yah!
Gali: O_o Lovely dance, there.
Tahu: Thanks. *coolshades*
Hahli: We are to awaken Mata Nui today.
( Everyone gasps. )
Jaller Mahri: *appears out of nowhere* Oh, if only it had been that simple. . . *vanishes*
Nokama: Today? But I haven't picked up my dry-cleaning! I simply have nothing to wear!
( Everyone starts murmuring. )
Vakama: A light among the shadows.
Hahli: Duh. Hadn't we established that way back when we first found the Mask of Light?
Vakama: The prophecy is fulfilled! We must go.
Hahli: Which prophecy this time. . . ?
Vakama: Legends foretell the coming of a trekkie convention, here on this island. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to be anywhere around. . .
Matau: Yeah, but that's not 'til next week/month!
Onewa: If we descend into those tunnels, we may never return!
Tahu: So what are we waiting for?! 8D *leaps into hole* WHEEEEEEeee!! *crash* ow.
Lewa: Crazy fire-spitter-head. -.-
( Everyone starts chattering. Meanwhile, down below... )
Taku: Takanuva leaps down from the pillar as yet another protodermis ball explodes behind him! Blast 'im with light, Tak! COME ON!
Makuta: Still running, Toa?
Takanuva: Yeah, I could do this all day! *leaps again* My legs feel great! All that sugar I had earlier sure is paying off!
Taku: Takanuva and Makuta stand around the pool, and leap again as another ball pops out! One thing, though. Since when can Toa leap as high as Takanuva is leaping right now?
Takanuva: Spring-shoes! Hyah!
Director: I just love movie magic!
( Up above. . . )
Guurahk: HI THERE SPECIAL FRIEND! 8D
Hahli: O.o You're dead.
Guurahk: Your point being?
Director: Get off the set!
Guurahk: *cry* *runs away*
( Everyone stops chattering and looks at her. )
Hahli: This island is a beautiful, wonderful place. Never have any been as blessed as we are, to live in such a paradise.
Onewa: Hmm. True.
Hahli: I love this island, and Jaller loved it, too.
Vakama: *sniff* It's so emotional. . . These things always make me cry! *cry* Waaaaah!!!
Everyone Else: O_o
Vakama: So I'm emotional, so what? *cry*
Hahli: But above all, Jaller respected his elders. I mean, duty. . . Let us repay him by doing our duty!
Onewa: Tax time already? O_O
Hahli: No! I'm talking about entering the tunnels. . . Let us remember him by fulfilling our dens- No, destiny!
Vakama: You heard her! Massage time for me! Come on, who's first?
( Everyone steps away from Vakama. )
Vakama: No volunteers? :--(
Hahli: Let us go forward together. Let us awaken the Great Spirit! I mean seriously, he's WAY past the beauty sleep thing by now.
Everyone Else: Yeah. . .
Director: Now shout "yeah!" with feeling!
Everyone Else: And then we all get Cheese Nips?
Everyone Else: YEAH! YEAH!
Director: Go with what works, I guess.