Posted Jan 05 2013 - 10:07 PM
Posted May 08 2013 - 08:41 PM
Official Short Stories Critics Club Charity Review
Hello. This is a very short story, so I'll try to wring the most out of it as a can. There's nothing that stands out as particularly wrong with your style; I would normally tell you to do something about those exclamation points, but it works with this kind of work.
She somehow managed to crawl and climb her way to the lip of her home to see a poor shoemaker dusting off the trench coat in which the little elf lived.
Should be "a poor man" since she does not know his identity until he takes the coat home.
“Why, this poor fella needs help, he does!”
You can get rid of this exclamation point, however.
And so it went that the elf would make more and more shoes each night, and the man would sell and spend his money on wood, wine and women. This went on for many a year until one day the elf, who had worked so much, had grown old and tired. She could no longer craft any shoes, and thus the man eventually sold out. He had no savings to go back on and he had long since lost his craft for shoemaking. To this day his pockets are just as empty as the elf’s former home.
I'd like to see some more detail here. You give us a lot of images in the first part of the story, but it sort of trails of here. I would think that you could get at least as much material out of this last paragraph as the first part of the story, especially if you continue to follow it from the viewpoint of the elf.
Alternatively, there are loads of ways of expanding on this basic framework. Here you have the insertion of a modern detail:the trench coat. So, might the setting be a little different? Might it be set in the modern day, or in a dystopian future? I think there are still professional cobblers around, but might the trade of the shoe maker be a little different. You might lose the fairy tale style narration, but you could expand this into a full short story. I would suggest you play the same game with other things you write; it's a great way to come up with new ideas.
Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - Lucira - Morie - Akiyo - Yukie - Shuuan - Ilykaed
My bones are hollow, that's where I keep my marrow
This quiver in my lip, that's just where I keep my arrows.
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