Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!


Photo

The Depths Below - Hydraxon's Short Story


  • Please log in to reply
1 reply to this topic

#1 Offline joev14

joev14
  • Members
  • Lightning Voyager

  • 338 posts
  •  

Posted Jan 20 2013 - 05:22 PM

Posted Image

 

I am back with the fifth installment of my 8-part short story series. It's been awhile since I last posted, but hopefully people are still following the series :D

 

The Depths Below

 

Hydraxon, jailer of the pit, was lazily sharpening one of his wrist daggers. He glanced up as he heard it again, a faint scratching noise. He hurled the blade, and it buried itself in a wall on the opposite side of the room. There was a yelp of surprise in one of the cells as Hydraxon growled, “Quiet that racket Takadox. I’m trained to disarm a prisoner of any weapons. I should have listened to Botar when he told me that your teeth should be included in that category.”

He snapped his fingers, and his pet Energy Hound Spinax went to retrieve the dagger. Hydraxon sighed; he almost wished Takadox would escape, just so he could have some action - and an excuse to break some of the Barraki’s bones.

He thought of the Toa Mata, back when he was training them. He wished he could talk to one; the Maxilos robots weren’t much for conversation. Even Lewa would be good company, albeit his annoying grammatical errors that he referred to as “treespeak.”

He heard more scratching, and turned to glare at Takadox, preparing to hurl his dagger again, but soon realized that the blue Barraki was not the cause of the noise.

Hydraxon glanced up and dove to his left as a large slab of the ceiling fell and struck the makeshift desk that he had been sitting at moments ago. Water began pouring into the room, and Hydraxon slammed his hand down on a button nearby, sealing off most of the roof.

A great crack grew across ground as the floor split and one side of it rose into the air, creating a sheer cliff in front of him and raising the Barrakis’ cells several bio above him.

Hydraxon watched as Spinax tussled with Takadox. Spinax managed to pin the Barraki to the ground, but a quick a quick bite from Takadox’s teeth was enough to loosen the Energy Hound’s grip. Hydraxon was about to give the Energy Hound a hand when the wall and ceiling behind him collapsed completely, pinning him under a pile of debris. The water began pouring in again, this time at an even faster rate than before.

Hydraxon tried to move, but found that his legs had been internally shattered by the wall. He looked up and watched as five of the Barraki swam through the hole in the roof.

Takadox soon followed, hurling Spinax at the ground. He was about to swim through the hole, but spotted Hydraxon pinned under the wall. He swam back down towards his former jailer, his smile growing ever so slightly wider.

Hydraxon spat as Takadox lowered himself so he was at eye level with his former captor. The blue Barraki picked up Hydraxon’s dagger and raised it high above his head, preparing to drive it into the jailer’s back.

Hydraxon spat again, and said, “You have no honor you piece of Hydruka dropping. Killing a foe when he’s already down.”

Takadox nodded and said susurrately, “I’m so glad you noticed. See, that’s the difference between you and me. I have the sense to kill whenever I get the chance; it’s what keeps me alive.”

Hydraxon shook his head, glancing subtly over Takadox’s shoulder as he did so. He didn’t want to draw the Barraki’s attention; he was stalling for time as Spinax recovered. As the Energy Hound rose got up again, Hydraxon pointed at Takadox and murmured, “Zya.”

Spinax growled, and Takadox whirled around in shock as he tried to block from the new threat. Hydraxon grabbed Takadox’s leg, yanking it out from under him. Takadox fell with a grunt as his chin hit the ground. Hydraxon grabbed the blue Barraki around the throat and said, “If anything causes a breech large enough to allow multiple prisoners to escape, I am authorized to execute every single one rather than have to chase you down again and take the chance of you causing problems.”

Hydraxon held his dagger to the Barraki’s neck, preparing to slot him, but before he could deliver the fatal blow an explosion went off behind him, causing him to loosen his grip, just enough so for Takadox to slip free. Hydraxon glanced to his left, catching a glimpse of Mantax out of the corner of his eye. Hydraxon looked up and said, “Like I said, you have no honor you worthless filth.”

Takadox frowned - which was just about the only thing uglier than his toothy grin - and said, “I have grown tired of your talk.”

He raised the dagger again, this time not pausing in the slightest as he plunged it into Hydraxon’s back…

 

Up next is the 6th part, which I call "Monster." It's a short story about Mythor, the first Chronicler, and his adventures with Lesovikk and the first Toa team. This one is the first of the eight chronologically  as well as the first one that I planned to write, so I'm pretty excited to finally get to it :D


  • 0

Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

 

check out the exo-force wiki, owned by yours truly :D

 
My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
 
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

 


#2 Offline Dual Matrix

Dual Matrix
  • Outstanding BZPower Citizens
  • Emerging Fluidic Master

  • 1,284 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Mar 14 2013 - 03:08 PM

Hello Dual Matrix here, I suppose I'm reviewing your story here, ain't it? 

Posted Image

 I am back with the fifth installment of my 8-part short story series. It's been awhile since I last posted, but hopefully people are still following the series :D

 True I followed your stories quite some time ago, glad to see another one :) 

The Depths Below

 [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color], jailer of the pit, was lazily sharpening one of his wrist daggers. He glanced up as he heard it again, a faint scratching noise. He hurled the blade, and it buried itself in a wall on the opposite side of the room. There was a yelp of surprise in one of the cells as [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] growled, “Quiet that racket Takadox. I’m trained to disarm a prisoner of any weapons. I should have listened to Botar when he told me that your teeth should be included in that category.”

  1) The joke of Hydraxon about the Pridak teeth is quite nice. 

He snapped his fingers, and his pet Energy Hound Spinax went to retrieve the dagger. [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] sighed; he almost wished Takadox would escape, just so he could have some action - and an excuse to break some of the Barraki’s bones.

  1) I see this being thought by the real Hydraxon, good job. 

He thought of the Toa Mata, back when he was training them. He wished he could talk to one; the Maxilos robots weren’t much for conversation. Even Lewa would be good company, albeit his annoying grammatical errors that he referred to as “[color=#0000ff;]treespeak[/color].”He heard more scratching, and turned to glare at Takadox, preparing to hurl his dagger again, but soon realized that the blue Barraki was not the cause of the noise.

 1) The sound of breaking stone doesn't really sound like scratching.2) Canon issue: Lewa didn't know treaspeak untill he arrived at Mata-Nui 3) Albeit the above still a good description of the lonelyness of Hydraxon 4) Also the Pit scattered due the Great Cataclysm, a great earthquake, so I guess Hydraxon should sense that first. Altough I must admit this description of the pit scattering is actually better. 

Hydraxon glanced up and dove to his left as a large slab of the ceiling fell and struck the makeshift desk that he had been sitting at moments ago. Water began pouring into the room, and [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] slammed his hand down on a button nearby, sealing off most of the roof.

 1) The Cataclysm Pah Pah Pah Paaam :) 2) Good way to start the scattering of the pit. 

A great crack grew across ground as the floor split and one side of it rose into the air, creating a sheer cliff in front of him and raising the Barrakis’ cells several bio above him.

 1) I love it when people use Bionicle measurements 

[color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] watched as Spinax tussled with Takadox. Spinax managed to [color=#ee82ee;]pin [/color]the Barraki to the ground, but a quick a quick bite from Takadox’s teeth was enough to loosen the Energy Hound’s grip. [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] was about to give the Energy Hound a hand when the wall and ceiling behind him collapsed completely, [color=#ee82ee;]pinning [/color]him under a pile of debris. The water began pouring in again, this time at an even faster rate than before.

 1) Strange the Barakii are suddenly free, you should mention them being ablr to escape their cells somewere. 2) You used "to pin" twice, I reccomend using "burrying" the second time. 

[color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] tried to move, but found that his legs had been internally shattered by the wall. He looked up and watched as five of the Barraki swam through the hole in the roof.

 1) "I can't move, ah I see why my legs are scattered. :) " I think it would hurt a bit if my legs would scatter. 2) Oh Oooh Breakout! 

Takadox soon followed, hurling Spinax at the ground. He was about to [color=#ee82ee;]swim [/color]through the hole, but spotted [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] pinned under the wall. He [color=#ee82ee;]swam [/color]back down towards his former jailer, his smile growing ever so slightly wider.

 1) You used "to swim" twice, you should try adding "to dive" or something. 2) The evil smile totally fits Takadox 

[color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon [/color]spat as Takadox lowered himself so he was at eye level with his former captor. The blue Barraki picked up [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color]’s dagger and raised it high above his head, preparing to drive it into the jailer’s back.

 Not really much to say here. 

[color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon [/color]spat again, and said, “You have no honor you piece of [color=#0000ff;]Hydruka [/color]dropping. Killing a foe when he’s already down.”Takadox nodded and said susurrately, “I’m so glad you noticed. See, that’s the difference between you and me. I have the sense to kill whenever I get the chance; it’s what keeps me alive.”

 1) Canon issue: Hydruka are were an unknown Rahi spiecies untill the pit scattered, so Hydraxon woulnd't know them. Try using "Stone Rat" or even the word "Piraka". 2) Great way of describing Takadoxes personallity. 

[color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] shook his head, glancing subtly over Takadox’s shoulder as he did so. He didn’t want to draw the Barraki’s attention; he was stalling for time as Spinax recovered. As the Energy Hound rose got up again, [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon [/color]pointed at Takadox and murmured, “Zya.”Spinax growled, and Takadox whirled around in shock as he tried to block from the new threat. [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] grabbed Takadox’s leg, yanking it out from under him. Takadox fell with a grunt as his chin hit the ground. [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] grabbed the blue Barraki around the throat and said, “If anything causes a breech large enough to allow multiple prisoners to escape, I am authorized to execute every single one rather than have to chase you down again and take the chance of you causing problems.”

 1) Twice the same meaning, drop one. 2) Underwater you can't really fall. 3) Hydraxon is a reall boss 8) 

[color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color] held his dagger to the Barraki’s neck, preparing to slot him, but before he could deliver the fatal blow an explosion went off behind him, causing him to loosen his grip, just enough so for Takadox to slip free. [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon [/color]glanced to his left, catching a glimpse of Mantax out of the corner of his eye. [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon [/color]looked up and said, “Like I said, you have no honor you worthless filth.”Takadox frowned - which was just about the only thing uglier than his toothy grin - and said, “I have grown tired of your talk.”He raised the dagger again, this time not pausing in the slightest as he plunged it into [color=#ee82ee;]Hydraxon[/color]’s back…

 

1) Oh man, I've got to love that sentence.

 

 

 

I loved your story in general, there was a bit word repetition(marked in pink) but that's ok, I tend to do that too. Also I loved how your story perfectly tied with the canon, the things said perfectly following the cononical personallities.

 

In my opinion I think your story lacked a bit depth, you could've implented more character feelings and situation descriptions, but yeah, since this is a rather short story, focussed on a battle, it doesn't matter that much.

 

You also used some more complex words(at least for a Belgian like me) which is quite good. I laughed quite some times reading your story, which is good.

 

I enjoyed your story and hope to see more.

 

--Dual Matrix


Edited by Dual Matrix, Mar 14 2013 - 03:10 PM.

  • 0

I'm back!





0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users