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short story fortnightly contest entry mahri nui

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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Project Nightfall

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Posted Jan 21 2013 - 09:46 PM

Seabed below Voya Nui – Two days before the arrival of the Toa Inika.

 

Kyrehx sat on a rock a few bio from her home, the underwater city of Mahri Nui. She and a Po-Matoran friend were tasked with observing the surrounding waters, just in case any possible danger could approach the once-great city.

“Tired yet?” asked the Po-Matoran with a slight smile as he walked through the sea floor.

“Yeah, tired of you, old friend.” Kyrehx replied, smiling back.

A mighty earthquake shook the seabed, the Ga-Matoran was knocked off the rock and was left staring at the heavens. The Po-Matoran was barely moved by the earthquake.“What's the matter Kyrehx? It was just a bioquake.” the Po-Matoran said while laughing.

Kyrehx gave the Po-Matoran a look, and extended her hand to him.“Just help me up you silly Kohlii-head,” Kyrehx said. “And let's move it before another quake hits!”

 

Just as the Po-Matoran helped his friend up to her feet, the pair heard a massive growl coming from the darkness of the ocean. A growl that both of the Matoran couldn't recognize.

“What was that?” asked Kyrehx.

“Uh, I'd like to believe that that bioquake was just the tip of the statue, sister,” the Po-Matoran muttered. “We better move quick and return to the city before--”Before the Matoran could finish that sentence, out of the darkness a Giant Squid had appeared and started attacking the pair with its tentacles.“A Giant Squid so close to the city? Sister, we have to warn the council!” the Po-Matoran yelled as he ducked under a tentacle.

Before Kyrehx could start running, the Giant Squid whipped one of its tentacles at the Ga-Matoran's direction. Before the tentacle could hit her, the Po-Matoran jumped and took the hit, protecting his friend.Kyrehx walked to the fallen Matoran, as he helped him to his feet, she noticed his Kanohi mask was shattered to pieces. She gasped, and ducked to evade another tentacle.“Brother, your mask... It's shattered!” the Ga-Matoran said.

“I know, I know,” the Po-Matoran replied. “Ugh. But I'm still active. Let's hurry back to the city.”

 

The two Matoran started running through the seabed back to their city. On the way, the two Matoran managed to distract the Giant Squid by going through a field of Airweed and concealing themselves from the beast. They were close to the entrance of Mahri Nui, only having five bio to run. The Po-Matoran grabbed his chest in pain, he had spent too much time without a Kanohi mask."Are you okay?" asked the Ga-Matoran.

The Po-Matoran nodded and ran to the entrance. As soon as Kyrehx stepped through the entrance, the Giant Squid attacked with its tentacles and caught the Po-Matoran's leg and started pulling the Matoran back to the ocean. Kyrehx quickly tried to free the Po-Matoran, but she was too weak.“Sister... I don't think I'll make it through.” the Po-Matoran said with his last strength.“Shut up, shut up! I won't let you go, brother!” Kyrehx replied while holding the Po-Matoran's hand.

The Giant Squid started growling and pulled with more strength. Kyrehx's hold on the Matoran wouldn't last much longer.“It's okay,” the Po-Matoran muttered. “Just let me go, Kyrehx. I'll be okay. You know I don't go down that easily.”Kyrehx's hand started to lose its grip on her friend's hand. Seeing his upcoming doom, the Po-Matoran muttered his last words.“I'll see you soon, sister.”

As soon as the Po-Matoran finished that sentence, his chest light stopped shining and the Giant Squid whipped Kyrehx's hand, dragging her friend back to the depths of the ocean. Kyrehx couldn't help but stare how the ocean had claimed his life-long friend without any explanation why.

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Kyrehx returned to the seabed where his friend met his demise. There, she found the shattered Kanohi Miru that he was wearing. While sobbing, she recovered all the shards of the Kanohi and left them inside a backpack. She stared to the depths, and wished that someday, the ocean would give her another chance to be with her friend.


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#2 Offline Grandmaster Lehvorak

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Posted Jan 25 2013 - 12:50 AM

[color=#000080;]Apparently people keep writing depressing stuff here on the short stories for some reason...  have no idea why but they keep showing up. The story is pretty uhhh short :P It is interesting how he kinda sacrificed himself at the end, I'm surprised she didn't go back to that seabed to make him a gravestone. Good job on the story, just some minor errors, but no biggy!Lehvorak[/color]


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#3 Offline Dual Matrix

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Posted Mar 16 2013 - 02:30 PM

Hum, quite good overal story, it fits well with the canon and I can only love how you gave that poor little Named-but-not-know Matoran the main role. I think I'll call this "the story of missed chances" since there were some very awesome plot points here that weren't fully exploided. Also word repetition dude, I marked all major in pink, I checked it and found out 10 % of the total story contains of the word "Po-Matoran" and another 7% for the word "Kyhrex". Which adds on to a total of 17% of exactly the same words used over and over again. You really should try to replace them, I know it's hard but I believe you are creative enough to succeed. I would reccomend naming the Po-Matoran, that would make it easyer to avoid word repetition.Let's get on to the nitpicking then.

Seabed below Voya Nui Two days before the arrival of the Toa Inika.

 Ah a small introduction to the time and space the story is in, thats always nice, and I really like the way you added that specific date, that gives you the ability to exactly give it its place in the Bionicle Universe. You might as well want to put this in Italics or the like, that helpd to differeciate it from the actual story.

 [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx [/color]sat on a rock a few bio from her home, the underwater city of Mahri Nui. She and a [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] friend were tasked with observing the surrounding waters, just in case any possible danger could approach the once-great city.Tired yet? asked the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] with a slight smile as he walked through the sea floor.Yeah, tired of you, old friend. [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color] replied, smiling back.A mighty earthquake shook the seabed, the Ga-Matoran was knocked off the rock and was left staring at the heavens. The [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] was barely moved by the earthquake.What's the matter [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color]? It was just a bioquake. the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] said while laughing.[color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color] gave the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] a look, and extended her hand to him.Just help me up you silly Kohlii-head, [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color] said. And let's move it before another quake hits!

1) Good introduction to the characters here the calm Po-Matoran and the more panicking less professional Ga-Matoran.2) I loved the way you used Bionicle therms here. E.g Bioquake, Bio,...It really makes the story fit in the Bionicle universe 

Just as the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] [color=#ee82ee;]helped his friend up to her feet[/color], the pair heard a massive growl coming from the darkness of the ocean. A growl that both of the Matoran couldn't recognize.What was that? asked [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color].Uh, I'd like to believe that that bioquake was just the tip of the statue, sister, the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] muttered. We better move quick and return to the city before--Before the Matoran could finish that sentence, out of the darkness a Giant Squid had appeared and started attacking the pair with its tentacles.A Giant Squid so close to the city? Sister, we have to warn the council! the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] yelled as he ducked under a tentacle.Before [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color] could start running, the Giant Squid whipped one of its tentacles at the Ga-Matoran's direction. Before the tentacle could hit her, the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] jumped and took the hit, protecting his friend.[color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color] walked to the fallen Matoran, as [color=#ee82ee;]he helped him to his feet[/color], she noticed his Kanohi mask was shattered to pieces. She gasped, and ducked to evade another tentacle.Brother, your mask... It's shattered! the Ga-Matoran said.I know, I know, the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] replied. Ugh. But I'm still active. Let's hurry back to the city.

 1) I love it when people stick to the Bionicle usage of Brother and Sister it gives that nice extra touch to a story. 2) I don't think you will "walk" to your friend when he's in danger, "running" or "speeding" would fit better. Otherwise it looks like the Matoran doesn't care at all about his friend.3) Oh man such a great oppurtunity missed here, when a Matorans Toa Kanohi they'll feel extremely exstreme bad and slowely enter comathose, so you could've given the story more depth by stating how "horrible" the maskless Matoran looked, or like "even trough he said he was ok, his facial expression of pain and pure sickness revealed more of the darkness that was coming." You know, to get some more feelings into this story. 

The two Matoranstarted running through the seabed back to their city. On the way, the two Matoran managed to distract the Giant Squid by going through a field of Airweed and concealing themselves from the beast. They were close to the entrance of Mahri Nui, only having five bio to run. The [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] grabbed his chest in pain, he had spent too much time without a Kanohi mask."Are you okay?" asked the Ga-Matoran.

1) Word repetition, you used Two Matoran twice, the story would look better if you avoided this repetition and went with something like "The villagers" or "The sea-dwellers"2) More Matran measurements yeeey :)3) The City of Mahri Nui has a well tought defence system, I assume the squid would've been blasted away if it came that close. And other Matoran could've come to the rescue, so it would fit better if you say something like: "They just had to run a few bio to come in the range of the Air-Cannons of the city, which would protect them against the squid.

 [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color] quickly tried to free the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color], but she was too weak.Sister... I don't think I'll make it through. the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] said with his last strength.Shut up, shut up! I won't let you go, brother! [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color] replied while holding the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color]'s hand.The Giant Squid started growling and pulled with more strength. [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color]'s hold on the Matoran wouldn't last much longer.It's okay, the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] muttered. Just let me go, [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color]. I'll be okay. You know I don't go down that easily. [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color]'s hand started to lose its grip on her friend's hand. Seeing his upcoming doom, the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] muttered his last words.I'll see you soon, sister.As soon as the [color=#ee82ee;]Po-Matoran[/color] finished that sentence, his chest light stopped shining and the Giant Squid whipped [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color]'s hand, dragging her friend back to the depths of the ocean. [color=#ee82ee;]Kyrehx[/color] couldn't help but stare how the ocean had claimed his life-long friend without any explanation why.

Posted Image 

1) Singular? I can imagine the Po-Guy to have only one hand available to grab but if I wanted to save my friends life I'd at least try to pull with two hands :). It could hower be he was grabbing a thing with his second hand to keep himself from flying into the squid, in that case you should mention it, it's quite odd without it.2) 3) Again a great plot point missed, I know it is a bit cliché but it would be nice to let the guy drop himself into the Rahi as sacrifice, such a thing I can only love. Also if you want to stick to your way you missed a big chance of going in-depth into your character(Crying, Feeling Guilty for he couldn't save his friend,...)4) That image is a nice touch, it separates the story and the epilogue well. You can try to use that after the first sentence of your story too.

Kyrehx returned to the seabed where his friend met his demise. There, she found the shattered Kanohi Miru that he was wearing. While sobbing, she recovered all the shards of the Kanohi and left them inside a backpack. She stared to the depths, and wished that someday, the ocean would give her another chance to be with her friend.

1) Oh an epilogue, thaks thats quite fun, I always like that. I't usually finishes the story well, and that actually works good here. It could've used some more depth but yeah.2) Stared can be with  "into" and "at" but no "to" so I'd change that. I would go with the latter but thats just my opinion.

Edited by Dual Matrix, Mar 16 2013 - 02:31 PM.

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#4 Offline Canis Lycaon

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Posted Mar 16 2013 - 04:45 PM

I liked this. Short and simple, both things I like in a short story. One major flaw I noticed, though. When a Matoran loses their mask, it takes them three days to lose consciousness. In the story, I couldn't imagine anyone being posted more than an hour away from the city. Here is what I think you should have done:

Kyrehx's hand started to lose its grip on her friend's hand. Then Po-Matoran muttered the last words he would ever have the chance to say.

“Go back to the city. You know I'll be fine.”

As soon as the Po-Matoran finished that sentence,  the Giant Squid whipped Kyrehx's hand, dragging her friend back to the depths of the ocean. Kyrehx couldn't help but stare how the ocean had claimed her life-long friend without any explanation why.

That way, any major continuity breach is gone and the story is not majorly breached.


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