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Terry's Horrendous Misadventures

Terry Dacks Mangaia Metru Makuta Teridax

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#1 Offline Dapper-Sama

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Posted Jan 26 2013 - 11:13 PM

Unknown Location, Undefined Time-Period

"Hello, pathetic hum'ns! Today marks the beginnings of a BIG project to digitally remaster--" Antroz was hit on the head by Stronius.

 

"Erm, to thoroughly revise Terry's Horrendous Misadventures! The critically acclaimed, top-rated," Krika taps on his shoulder, pointing to the Comedy Critics, who were glaring at them disapprovingly. Antroz ignores him, and continues to speak.

 

"...comedy written by the Dude with a Hat! Hopefully, if all goes well, we'll be rid of:

  • Bad Jokes
  • Poor Capitalization
  • Smelling Errors
  • Confusing Plot
  • And MUCH MORE!"

"So, don't expect a whole lot from this gig for a LONG while.... Infidels....." Chimed in Onewa.

 

"And with that happy note, we bid you farewell for an unknown length of time." Finished Krika.


Edited by Dude w/ a Hat, Feb 12 2013 - 06:24 PM.

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#2 Offline Dapper-Sama

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Posted Jan 27 2013 - 01:35 PM

ERROR                      [color=rgb(47,79,79);]                                                                                             [/color][color=rgb(47,79,79);] [/color]MISSING CHAPTER(S)

 

 

 One or more chapter(s) is/are missing. Contact your local archivist with the Chapter's index number, as it would be most convenient for you to have a complete library.


Edited by Dude w/ a Hat, Feb 12 2013 - 06:21 PM.

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#3 Offline Dapper-Sama

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Posted Jan 31 2013 - 07:01 PM

"Hurry, pull down my P.A.N.T.S.!"

 

"Your WHAT?!"

 

"Just grab the pulley on my leg!"

Just to give you peeps a sort of sneak peek. I'm almost done.


Edited by Dude w/ a Hat, Mar 11 2013 - 09:28 AM.

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#4 Offline Dapper-Sama

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Posted Feb 01 2013 - 07:30 PM

[Being revised]


Edited by Dude w/ a Hat, Feb 12 2013 - 06:22 PM.

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#5 Offline Onarax

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Posted Feb 09 2013 - 08:43 AM

Reviewing is go.

 

Spelling and Grammar:

Toa Jordyn was sneaking. He was hired by some ex-Dark Hunters to spy on the troops at Daxia. However, the Piraka should have thought twice before hiring him; He hadearned his title: Jordyn the Kinda-Brave. He was currently navigating the sub-sub-basements, where evil stuff happens. He had acquired some files which he would read later. His reasoning: Bah, I'm too lazy to.

Lots of tense problems here: I have no idea if you're trying to write in past or present tense because all you keep on changing between them. Also, 'had' and 'earned' need to be disconnected.

 

Rocka observed his cattle. This was ridiculously easy, because he had neither cows nor sheep. Nonetheless, he watched his nonexistent livestock, until sunset. His sheep ceased to nonexist, so he wandered over to the Drawer.

Cow is the colloquial form of cattle. Sheep are not cattle. They're both part of the Bovidae family though. 'Non-existent' needs a hyphen. The comma between 'livestock' and 'until' needs to be removed. 'Non-exist' is not a verb. The sheep have come out of nowhere. Does Rocka have cattle or sheep? Or both? If they have 'ceased to non-exist', then technically they now exist.

 

Tahu awakened. He looked about himself uncertainly. Now, don't be confused, this is 8572. From what he gathered, he was in a confined space with a number of other objects. He moved his gaze over to a nearby hand mirror--a generous term, for it was far bigger than him--and was instantly horrified. He wasn't simply 8572 Tahu Nuva, he was a random conjunction of parts, from 8572. He was confused. Was he Tahu Nuva, or a MOC? He was neither, he concluded. He was surely not 8572, but a MOC, he recalled somehow, was defined as an article of creativity in the form of a formation of LEGO components. Wait a moment-- what's LEGO? Tahu thought.

I believe it is 'awoke', not 'awakened', although it would sound much less awkward if you just wrote 'Tahu woke up'. 'He looked about himself' is also very awkward. 'About' is not the right word in this situation. 'At' would work better. The next sentence confuses me - I actually have no idea what you're trying to say there. Dashes should consist of a single character. Said dashes are unnecessary and should be replaced by commas, or if you wish, parentheses. I, like Tahu Nuva, am confused by what you are trying to say later on in the paragraph. There is also a lack of conjunctions that could help the sentences make sense. 

 

Also, there should be a new line when writing Tahu's thoughts.

 

Metru Nui, Ta-Metru Appartment Complex, 0 BGC

Apartment.

 

"The Voices! The Voices are angry and hungry! Ah, Oh my lord, the VOICES!" Vakama screamed. Onewa facepalmed, which was somewhat challenging because he was in deep concentration. Meanwhile, Whenua was on the telephone, hurriedly speaking to Vakama's therapist. "Sir, I'm sure of it. You need to check his dosage. He's having a huge episode right now. Yes? Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh. Uh-huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I think the readers are getting annoyed. Uh-huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh... Yeah, I gotta hang up now. Uh-huh? Uh-huh." He finnaly hung up, before noticing something was seriously wrong. Nokama was being weird- something that only happened on Fridays. Uh-huh. I'm a total derp, for not realizing this. Not only that, but it was the same thing, every time. She would walk in circles and shout, "42!", every 2 minutes. He looked at Nokama, then Onewa, then Nokama, and Onewa again.

 

You really need to leave a line every time someone speaks. 'Oh' should not be capitalised. 'Facepalmed' is not a verb. I do not understand how it is difficult for Onewa to cradle his face in his palms because he is in deep concentration. You have not mention how he is in deep concentration, nor what he is doing while in deep concentration that prevents him from doing his stated action. 'Finally' needs only one 'n' and two 'l's. Comma between 'thing' and 'every' is unnecessary. Use the Roman alphabet when writing single-digit numbers, not Hindu-Arabic numerals. 'And then Onewa again'; it requires a 'then'.

 

 

"Onewa, stop it. I think it's safe to say you're creeping us all out with your screwing around. Deactivate your Komau, or I will eviscerate you." Whenua threatened."What in Mata Nui's name are you doing, anyway?" He added.

 

The period before the ending quotation mark in the first piece of speech needs to be replaced with a comma. A space is need between the period at the end of 'threatened' and the quotation mark following. 'He added.' is unnecessary.

 

 

At the same time, Nuju was playing some Basketball game, and would periodically say, "Swish!" Also, Matau was looking through the kitchen for cereal. "Whattya Doin', Matau? Looking for ye Lucky Charms?" Nuju jeered.

 

'Also' does not work very well in this situation. Needs a line for speech.

 

 

"I swear, when I turn Hordika, you all die.."Matau Called.

 

"I swear when I turn Hordika, you will all die," called Matau.

 

 

The Toa Metru had foolishly left their door open, and five wasp-like beings strolled down the hall, The third of which peered in and remarked, "How disturbing. You guys are all diseased." The second remarked, "Hurry up, Bitil!" The third, fourth and fifth all asked, "Who, Me?", Simultaneously.

 

Rewriting this paragraph for you so it makes more sense ...

 

(Five wasp-like beings strolled down the hall, the third of whom had decided to peer through the door that the Toa Metru had foolishly left open, remarking: "How disturbing. You guys are all diseased."

 

"Hurry up, Bitil!" called the second, only to be met with simultaneous replies of: "Who, me?" from the rest of the wasp-beings.)

 

 

"No one escapes from MY prison! I will crush you!" Said the warden. Vakama squinted at the screen. He had only played 6 stages of Sonny 2, and he had already encountered a boss. The warden had already obliterated both Sonny and Veradux over a dozen times. Matau Hordika wandered over to Vakama's computer. He had blood on his hands. "Testing out Nuparu's latest magical contraption, are you?"  He inquired.  Vakama nodded. He was in the cockpit of the Gizmogadon(Giz-MO-ga-DON), a massive pair of hands purpose-built for computer use. Mr. Dacks materialized behind Matau, yet he was unaware of Terry's presence. The Hordika turned around, and jumped. "AH! Terry, don't scare me like that!" The Gizmogadon caught Matau in it's left hand. "Gotcha." Vakama said triumphantly. "Dude, I'm sorry. It's not like I'm trying to sneak up on you." The shadow overlord explained. Vakama changed tabs. "Hmm hmm hmm hmm..." He hummed for no apparent reason. "You know, this comedy is convoluted." He stated. "This what?" Terry asked, confused.

 

Needs a lot of paragraphing. 'Said' does not need capitalisation.'6' should be written in the Roman alphabet. 'He' does not need capitalisation, and there should only be one space before it and the closing quotation mark of the speech prior. More paragraphing, because I don't even understand anything here.

 

 

"It is? Oh noes, I have to prepare for the next chapter!" Teridacks exclaimed. He ran and jumped from the desk onto the Staging Area(Also known as Dude's Entertainment Center).

 

Space needed between 'Staging Area' and the parenthesis.

 

 

Jordyn decided to call it a day. He had assembled 3 pounds worth of data, including part of a small supper-computer. But, he was in a large office, hiding under a desk with a nameplate reading, Grandmaster Terry I. Dacks, with 2 of Terry's most trusted lieutenants--Master Karinax and Mordahk the Terrible. Don't be confused--Mordahk's nickname comes from his tendency to screw up challenges. Nonetheless, he was the Co-Lead-Scientist and Master Torturer of the Brothah-hood. He and Makuta Karinax were arguing audibly.

 

Roman alphabet. Not numerals if you're writing numbers with only a single digit. 'Supercomputer'. Dashes need only one character.

 

 

Tahu was learning how to articulate his limb when the lid to his abode was abruptly opened. Outside was a skinny, gold-and-green knight with some kind of bubble over his head. "Hullo, Tahu!" Rocka said, congenially. "H-h-h-h-hi." Tahu stuttered. The golden dude hopped in. "Here, lemme reassemble you." He said. As he pulled out the blade where Tahu's arm should be, his stump began to bleed profusely on Rocka's foot. "Uh-oh." He said to himself. "I don't think he realizes he's in real life yet."

 

Line breaks needed again. There is no need for a comma between 'Rocka said' and 'congenially'. Comma needs to replace periods in speech that comes before 'Blah blah said.' Capitalisation of the 'He's is unneeded.

 

 

"GET UP!" Jordyn stood up as Terry shouted at him.

"GET DOWN!" Jordyn dived to his stomach.

"GET UP!" Jordyn stood up, confused.

"GET DOWN AGAIN!"

 

Maybe 'Jordyn dived down onto his stomach'?

 

 

This went on for a few minutes as Jordyn jumped up, dived down and again over and over and over and over again for 3 minutes. Eventually, Mordahk had him on the Rack. "Not maximum extension." Terry barked at The Terrible. If Jordyn wasn't confused after "Get down! Get down again!", he was now. But his confusions were dispelled when Terry walked over and began to tickle him in the ribs. 2 minutes later, he asked, "Who are you working for?"

 

Roman alphabet. Not Hindu-Arabic. 'Over and over and over again' does not make sense at all. Needs lines. I have no idea what "Not maximum extension" means.

 

 

Terry tickled him for 5 more minutes.

 

Roman alphabet. Not Hindu-Arabic numerals.

 

 

"Agh! 6 Skadi cool dudes in Southern Zakaz! Just stop tickling me!!!" He yelled. Terry kept tickling him anyways.

 

It's 'anyway'. No 's'. Also, alphabet, not numerals.

 

 

"Tickling him. I'm not sure why it was so affective. Maybe it was his weak spot."Terry said in reply.

 

'Effective'. Space needed after the ending quotation mark.

 

 

"Has he arrived yet?" Asked Zaktann.

 

Zaktan. One 'n'.

 

 

Turaga Nokama, Toa Jaller Inika, Metus and Rocka 4.0 sat down at the table. "Okay, who will be dungeon master?" Asked Jaller. "I volunteer." Volunteered Nokama. "And so we have it. Nokama will be DM."

 

"So, let's make some characters." Said Matus

 

"Now, you'll all have modest equipment, since you only just started. After the "Aw, maaan"s passed by, Dungeon Master Nokama began to assign equipment to the imaginary counterparts of Rocka, Metus and Jaller.

 

"I want Elven boots." Demanded Metus.

 

"Screw that. You get +5 Boots of Sucking."Nokama said in reply.

 

"What!? I doubt those even exist!" Metus complained.

 

Capitalisation unneeded ... commas instead of periods ... new lines ... you know the drill.
 
Anyway, that's about it, although I'm pretty sure you'll ignore all those corrections. Then again, I don't blame you: most people don't really seem to want to waste their time reading my corrections of spelling and grammar. Of course, I digress. We're here to review your story, not rant about how nobody cares about my reviews.
 
First of all, I would like to say that the spelling and grammar is pretty atrocious. It makes your comedy difficult to read, and your sentences are also incredibly stilted and awkward. They don't flow very well, which also contributes to the difficulty of reading. I'm of the opinion that you need to check your grammar more thoroughly in the future, as currently you have some problems with the mechanics. Rewriting your previous chapters might be a good option to pursue as well, seeing as it could help make your story clearer.
 
The spelling and grammar isn't as bad as other works I've seen, but it isn't very good, so I'll have to give you a 30% for this.
 
Humour:
 
Frankly, the attempts at humour in this comedy are not very successful, relying simply on random occurrences and references to overused memes (OVER 9000! was old even when I was a newbie). The gags feel forced and bland, providing no real entertainment to me at all. Your scene in which the character try to run a tabletop game doesn't do anything for me either, and D&D doesn't actually work that way.
 
I'm rating it a 22%.
 
Plot:
 
I'm trying my hardest to look for a plot, although all I can really find is 'Toa' Jordyn working for the Piraka and getting interrogated via tickling. There isn't very much meat to said 'plot' at all, especially when nothing has actually been properly explained. Why would a Toa even work for criminals? How did he even get hired by the Piraka? Why would the Piraka even want to spy on Daxia? How do they even know where Daxia is? It's the headquarters of the Order, not the Brotherhood, so why is 'Terry Dacks' there?
 
You really haven't fleshed out anything at all for your plot, which is why I have to give it 18%.
 
Overall:
 
Your comedy is incredibly lacking in the three areas I reviewed, especially in your plot and humour. The spelling and grammar can be easily fixed if you checked over your work regularly, but it'll be difficult making your humour and plot better. I don't actually see the need why you decided to split Chapter 2 into two parts though, as they're both incredibly short (barely passing the three hundred word minimum), and would have worked fine as a single post. This brings me to another thing I want to say: the chapters are actually too short for anything of importance to happen, with the first chapter being only five hundred words of content. You need to expand on what you're trying to tell us more so we can read your comedy with greater ease.
 
Overall rating - (30+22+18)/3 = 23.3%.

Edited by Nutrients, Feb 09 2013 - 08:43 AM.

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#6 Offline Dapper-Sama

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Posted Feb 10 2013 - 10:20 PM

I wasn't totally expecting the story (Particularly it's Humor) to receive an "Extraordinary! Superb!", etc., because THM started not even one month ago. Thanks for the time, and pointing out areas to improve upon. I might ask for a review at a later date once this Comedy has undergone improvement.

 

Thank ye,

DWAH


Edited by Dude w/ a Hat, Feb 10 2013 - 10:21 PM.

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#7 Offline Dapper-Sama

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Posted Feb 10 2013 - 11:21 PM

[Being revised]


Edited by Dude w/ a Hat, Feb 12 2013 - 06:23 PM.

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