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Bionicle: The Next Generation

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#1 Offline Rarity

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 03:56 PM

CHAPTER 1Me: Space: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the star ship enterprise, it's ongoing mission toGresh: MAKE LOTS OF CHEESE! OUR MISSION IS ABOUT CHE- *gets shot*Me: *Blowing smoke away from gun* I forgot where I was.... oh well.. TO GO WHERE NO LEGO HAS GONE BEFORE!On the BridgeCaptain Vakama: Star fleet wants us to capture a klondike bar.Axonn: I do understand what a "klondike bar" is sir.Vakama: It is a very tasty, very cold ice cream bar.Axonn: Why are we ordered to capure one?Vakama: The head of star fleet is hungry.In the TV RoomTV anouncer: And this is it! Bottom of the 9th inning down by one, one one, and two outs and the power hitter comes up to bat!Matau: Come knock a homer!Whenua: Strike out!*TV turns to my little pony*Whenue and Matau: What!?!?!*Both turn to see Kongu with the remote*Kongu: Hey guysMatau: Your dead!On the holo deckOuna: Arg! I'm a pirate style_emoticons/default/pirate.gifKarzahni: I'm a crazy guy!Ouna: It's the holodeck not the reality deckKarzahni: Oh style_emoticons/default/sad.gif wrong deckAt the cafteriaJaller: This pizza is amazing counciler Gali!Gali: Yes see it makes you happy! Now you can get over your issues dealing with Matoro's deathJaller: style_emoticons/default/sad.gif *cries*Gali: Oh boy....*In background Matau is seen chasing Kongu with a hachet*Back on the bridgeNuju: Captain we are aproching WalmartCaptain Vakama: Thank you number oneMaxilos: Captain it seems that they may be soldout of klondike bars and the nearest walmart is 300 miles from hereCaptain Vakama: What about braums?Maxilos: 14 milesCaptain Vakama: Make it so Maxilos!*Ship blasts off to Braums*At the enginering areaChief Enginer Nuparu: uh oh looks like the engines might be breaking... *pulls out roll of tape* It's fixing time!At med bayDoctor Nokama: So Kongu you say Matau cut your foot off with a hachet?Kongu: Yes style_emoticons/default/sad.gifDoctor Nokama: Why?Kongu: I turned from his ball game to my little ponyDoctor Nokama: You deserved itOn the BridgeCaptain Vakama: We are at the Braums but we need an away team!Nuju: I'll take Axonn, Brutaka, and Maxilos with me to the braumsCaptain Vakama: Make it so number oneAt the place where the beam the people placesNuju: Energize!*Cool energizing stuff happends and they appear at Braums*Nuju: We need a Klondike bar.Braums worker: What would you do for a klondike bar?Nuju: Maxilos!Maxilos: Sir, it appears we need to preform some task in order to obtain the klondike bar.Brutaka: I shall dance!Nuju: Mata Nui help us*Brutaka dances*Nuju: MY EYES!!Brutaka: There I have danced, now where is my Klondike Bar.Braums worker: *Hands Klondike bar to Nuju* He deserves it more, he had to watch you dance.Nuju: Nuju to bridge, 4 and a Klondike Bar to beam up.*They get beamed up*Captain Vakama: Captain's log supplemental, Nuju and his team have obtained the Klondike Bar, and we are en route to meet the head of star fleet and hand him the barHead of Star Fleet: Ahh Thank you, I've wanted one of these for some time now!Captain Vakama: Aways happy to serve Star Fleet sir.Head of Star Fleet: *Beams away*Maxilos: Sir there seems to be a undiscovered planet in the next system, shall I plot course?Captain Vakama: Make it so!*Ship blasts off*THE END
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#2 Offline Toa of Gallifrey

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 07:01 PM

One word to describe this: ROFL!!!! I'm not a Star Trek fan but I watch Doctor Who on BBCA and sometimes catch a bit of Star Trek.
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"Now what will come out of this? A new mask of power? Some tooth-claw creature? A Matoran marching band?" - Lewa, The Final Battle

"Nothing is more important than my egomania!" - Clara Oswald, Deep Breath

"I AM A FLAMING MOLTRES!" - James, The Fortune Hunters

 

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#3 Offline Snoopy82

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 07:21 PM

Well it is good--but there are a few elements that need a little sprucing up. I like that you tended to stay away from individual randomness that would make no real sense in context... but the problem is that there is no context! Rather than a series of vignettes in each room of the ship, I would recommend that you put down some sort of reasonable, centralized plot for your characters to follow. Don't get me wrong, I think the premise is great and I think there is great potential here, but I think it can only come with some bare bones to hold it up. :) To add to that, I would also recommend you add in some plot--why are they in space? How did they get there? Exactly how many people are on the ship, and who? Also, read over the chapter a few times before you post it, to catch any errors. There were one or two spots where there were some troublesome errors.
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#4 Offline Rarity

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 07:40 PM

Yeah, I wrote this awhile ago, and reposted it here. :P Anyway, I'll probably make another chapter... One day.
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