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Let us remember

Indigo Saga

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#1 Offline Dual Matrix

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Posted Feb 23 2013 - 05:52 PM

Let us remember."Let us remember, my friends, what happened today, for once good overruled the ever-present corrupting power evil and we finally won. Altough, freedom had it's price, many brave innocent lives have come to a sudden end. But their deaths, their sacrife, will not be forgotten, for all we have and all we will fight for in the future, is here because of them. Because of their sacrifice we can live today, because of them, there will be a tomorrow. A better tomorrow.Yes, there will be battles, we will once again have to fight. Many challenges still await, old and new enimies are to be fought.But those days we will win, in the honour of the fallen, in the honour of what they allowed us to see. And we'll keep this future safe and happy, as a thanks to who gifted it us.And today, the real heroes aren't the Toa, for we were not alone, Matoran, Skadii, Vortixx, Turaga,... our victory, is yours, for we all now share the name my species held, for we were all heroes on that battlefield, for we are all heroes now. When the need was the most help arrived from the strangest places, out of the furthest locations friends and enimies came together, all to fight for what's right, all to fight for tomorrow. Of course, we could have surrendered, and indeed we could have ran, but we, we were brave, and we didn't give up. We protected what we love with all our power, and so we live forever, and so they who fell will live forever, remembered in the very hearts they saved. So, my friends, let us go. Let us embrace the future filled with light, let us embrace whatever lies ahead of us, but let us not forget who gifted it us. Who allowed us to live these days. Those who did not run, those who did not surrender. Those who are worthy of the name Hero... For a true Hero dies for others to live..."Brave Toa Tahu ended his speech and smiled, watching the cheering crowd in front of him. He turned around and walked away  over the sand towards the endless horizon, into the future...Thinking:  They will not forget

Edited by Dual Matrix, Feb 24 2013 - 04:56 PM.

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#2 Offline Tolkien

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 01:22 PM

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Hi Dual Matrix. One SSCC review coming up.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Overall, I felt like this was a nice, brief slice out of a larger storyline, and it left me wanting to read more about the larger context, so good job there! If I’m right, this is a speech by Tahu that occurs sometime after the defeat of Makuta on Spherus Magna? That seemed to make the most sense. Either way, it’s a well-worded piece of dialogue, with a very meaningful and inspiring message. Nicely written.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]----------[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Time for the critique! Now, because this story consists mostly of a single passage of dialogue, I’ll mainly focus on issues related to writing structure. The first thing I will note is the overall format that you’ve used: it’s basically a passage of dialogue that has been split onto different lines. Now, usually if you’re splitting up dialogue like that, you’d have to enclose each line of dialogue in quotation marks, like so:[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]"Let us remember, my friends, what happened today, for once good overruled the ever-present corrupting power evil and we finally won."[/font][font="'times new roman', times, serif;"] [/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]"Altough, freedom had it's price, many brave innocent lives have come to a sudden end."[/font]

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]This isn’t normally a problem, but the fact that most the story is in dialogue-form makes things a little odd, since technically it would be better if you had just combined all of the lines into one big paragraph of dialogue.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]My suggestion for this would be to sprinkle some action into the dialogue. Maybe have Tahu do something while he’s talking: look at something, gesture in some way, etc. Inserting those little actions between lines of dialogue would help breaks things up and would also help give some structure to the narrative as a whole.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Here’s one spot where I thought you might insert something, since there seems to be a natural shift in topic:[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]

And we'll keep this future safe and happy, as a thanks to who gifted it us.And today, the real heroes aren't the Toa, for we were not alone, Matoran, Skadii, Vortixx, Turaga,... our victory, is yours, for we all now share the name my species held, for we were all heroes on that battlefield, for we are all heroes now.

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Maybe add in something like: “Tahu gestured toward the crowd” after the first line? That’s one suggestion out of numerous possibilities, but it would help connect the reader to what’s actually happening in the scene.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]One more general suggestion related to writing structure/style:[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][/font]

"Let us remember, my friends, what happened today, for once good overruled the ever-present corrupting power evil and we finally won.

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]In a critique, I always focus on the opening lines, because in many ways they are the most important part of the story. The opening lines need to hook the reader in and get them interested in reading further. With that in mind, this opening line felt a little off, and I think that’s mainly because of the wording. There’s an overload of adjectives at the end, coupled with a couple of grammatical inconsistencies that make the sentence seem unbalanced. I’ll note these in succession:[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][/font]

... for once good overruled the ever-present corrupting power evil and we finally won.

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]- First, a slight nitpick: I assume it’s “power of evil” in the middle there.[/font]

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]- Secondly, the number of adjectives before “evil” feels unnecessary. You could easily trim a few (or all) of them without diminishing the effect of the sentence. I think it would definitely make the sentence flow better.[/font]

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]- The verb “overruled” feels slightly odd here, although it’s not terrible (the meaning of “overruled” makes me think of a court-case). I would probably switch it with something like “overcame”, but that’s up to you.[/font]

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]- Lastly, the end of the sentence doesn’t quite work grammatically: “for once good overruled. . . .and we finally won.” This construction implies that something happened after we won, but the sentence ends there. My suggestion would be to simply drop “once”: “for good overruled . . . and we finally won.”[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Finally, a few nitpicks:[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][/font]

Altough, freedom had it's price, many brave innocent lives have come to a sudden end.

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]“Although” and “its”.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][/font]

But their deaths, their sacrife, will not be forgotten ...

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]“sacrifice”[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][/font]

Because of their sacrifice we can live today, because of them, there will be a tomorrow.

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]This would flow better if it were split into two sentences: “Because of their sacrifice we can live today. Because of them ...”[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Although that is somewhat of a stylistic choice, it was actually a common suggestion that I had throughout the story. A few other examples where it would be better/more grammatical to split lines into separate sentences (I have highlighted where the split should occur):[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][/font]

Yes, there will be battles, we will once again have to fight.

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][/font]

Many challenges still await, old and new enimies are to be fought.

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"](also: “enemies”)[/font]

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][/font]

And today, the real heroes aren't the Toa, for we were not alone, Matoran, Skadii, Vortixx, Turaga,... our victory . . .

 

[/font]

Of course, we could have surrendered, and indeed we could have ran

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]“run”[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]And I think I’ll conclude things there. Again, I definitely thought it was a nicely written piece overall. With a few tweaks to the formatting and some of the writing structure, it would make for an even more effective piece of short fiction. I look forward to reading more![/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]JRRT[/font]


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