Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!


Photo

The Murder

FFFC SMDM History Tell me if its too much gore

  • Please log in to reply
1 reply to this topic

#1 Offline Ricardo Mason

Ricardo Mason
  • Members
  • Stone Champion Nuva

  • 1,536 posts
  •  

Posted Feb 25 2013 - 11:04 PM

The Murder

It was still dark out in the forest of Bora Gotas. A forest filed with many tree animals that usually come out at night. Suddenly two Matoran ran through the forest, ending the silence that filled the air. Leaves ruffled and the grass churned, the owls hooted and wolves howled.  This is the story of death, of a horrendous murder that occurred a year before the world fell apart.

A Matoran of Fire and a Matoran of Air pant, their heavy breathing can be heard through the dead silence of the forest.

 

“I think we lost them.” Said the Fire Matoran.

 

“We could have gotten killed out there.” Protested the Le-Matoran.

 

These two Matoran have escaped the ambush on a caravan that was heading through a path not too far from the forest. The Le-Matoran is part of the Vanguard class, a class of soldiers that specialize in disk launcher attacks. The Ta-Matoran is just a driver, he was saved by the Le-Matoran from being killed by a Berserker Bot that was about to shoot him. The Matoran caught their breath and continued heading north, towards a village that had an outpost.

 

“Do you think they’ll catch us?” The Ta-Matoran asked.

 

“If they did, I’ll blow their heads off.”

 

Little did they know that a drone was watching them. A few minutes later, they arrived at the village. The villagers let them in, seeing that they are part of the Solis Magna Defense Force.

 

“Here we at outpost Omega 10 Daorn, now let’s go talk the general in this outpost.”

 

Daorn is the Ta-Matoran. He wears an orange Ruru, and has special plating in his armor that can withstand large blasts. He used to be like all Ta-Matoran, but ever since the war he had to join seeing that his village was murdered by an army of robots.

 

“Leowa, do you think I’ll become a soldier like you?” Asks Daorn.

 

“It just takes courage to be one, and stay valiant till death.”

 

Leowa is the Le-Matoran. He became a Vanguard after he took a fallen soldier’s disk launcher, and fired it at the Giant Robot. He wears a teal colored Miru, with burnt black staining on it, due to a faulty disk that went off in his disk launcher.  The duo enter the outpost and speak to the general.

 

“General, we’ve come to give you our report.” Leowa says to the general.

 

“What is the situation soldier? Has the caravan made it to its destination?”

 

“No sir, Daorn and I were the only ones that made it out alive.”

 

The general walks up to Daorn. He hands him a rifle and salutes him.

 

“Daorn, for your bravery in battle, I hereby make you an honorary soldier of the Solis Magna Defense Force.” The general says, saluting him.

 

Just as he hands him his new position, bomb blasts go off. The village comes on fire, people are scrambling for cover. Berserkers fire away at any straggler running away in fear.

 

“It’s an all-out attack; we need to drive them out of here.”

 

Soldiers are seen firing away with their machine guns and disk launchers. Berserkers go down one by one, bullet holes penetrating its armor. Leowa heads in to help out the effort, but then a Giant appears; armed with an ion cannon that will kill everyone with just a few blasts. It charges up its cannon, electricity can be seen surging through its blades.

 

“Look out he’s about to fire.” Yelled a vanguard soldier.

 

They fired as fast as they could, but it would take those hits like nothing. It then pointed its cannon arm at the soldiers and, phew, phew.  It fired two shots, obliterating the troops that were caught in that blast. Some were running, but could not run fast as the second blast killed them. One of them was Leowa, he was killed in the second blast. His body armor scattered, tissue pieces littered the floor, and mask lying on the ground.

 

Daorn could not stand seeing his friend that he knew, being killed right before his eyes. He was incased in fear, the world was going slow as he stood there. The general was yelling at him to help out in the fight, but he did not hear. It was only until he saw the general flying in the air by the impact of a blast from a Berserker. He then looked at the berserker; it laughed at him as it approached slowly, reloading its cannon for another shot. But Daorn was tired of having fear, tired of this murder that was happening in front of him and him not helping those that are wounded or even those trying to push them out.

 

He aimed his rifle directly at its eye, making sure not to miss this shot.

 

“This one’s for the general.”

 

POW, he fired the shot and the bullet went straight through its eye and exited by the back, sending metal and sparks to fly. The berserker fell down; systems shutting down. The Giant saw him and prepared to annihilate him, but he saw its move and fired his entire magazine into its head.

 

“That on was for Leowa!” He yelled as the giant fell down.

 

He reloaded and went on to destroy fifteen more bots, but there was too many. They closed in on him and fired away, leaving almost no trace of him at all. All that was left was the bottom piece of his Ruru.

 

To this day this battle came to be known as The Murder on Outpost 10. One of the most gruesome battles in the SMDF history.

 

 

(note they did not surrender, but they did run at first.)


  • 0

BZPRPG Profiles

Flaredrick Seria - Potas -'Jet Fire' -'Razor'- 'Infector' - Reso 'Vo - Kasrar 'V- Ludvin va Betravo - Vallen Tor - Molvr Kalr

#2 Offline Velox

Velox
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Forum Assistants
  • Bibliophilic Littérateur & Senior Staff

  • 11,831 posts
  •   BZP Assistant

Posted Mar 07 2013 - 02:05 AM

Official SSCC Review.

 

Well, I'll jump right in here and comment on a few specific things:

 

It was still dark out in the forest of Bora Gotas. A forest filed with many tree animals that usually come out at night. Suddenly two Matoran ran through the forest, ending the silence that filled the air. Leaves ruffled and the grass churned, the owls hooted and wolves howled.  This is the story of death, of a horrendous murder that occurred a year before the world fell apart.

 

The first few sentences of this were a little weird. Instead of mentioning the forest and then the Matoran, what I would do is start broad, then get more specific. For example, mention and describe the forest and the animals and the silence, then perhaps focus on a specific animal, and then have the Matoran disrupt that animal by running through. The last sentence doesn't really seem to fit, either, and just seems out of place.  

A Matoran of Fire and a Matoran of Air pant, their heavy breathing can be heard through the dead silence of the forest.

  Perhaps consider something like: "A Matoran of Fire and a Matoran of Air panted, trying to control their breathing that stood out from the dead silence of the forest." 

“I think we lost them.” Said the Fire Matoran.

 

I'm not going to point this out every time, but the period after "them" should be a comma, and the "said" should be uncapitalized. Here's a little "chart" that should help you out:

 

"I think we lost them," said the Fire Matoran.

 

The Fire Matoran said, "I think we lost them."

 

"I think we lost them!" the Fire Matoran shouted happily. 

 

"I think we lost them," Daorn said. 

 

These two Matoran have escaped the ambush on a caravan that was heading through a path not too far from the forest.

 Should be: "These two Matoran escaped the ambush on a caravan that was heading through a path near the forest." 

“If they did, I’ll blow their heads off.”

 "do"

 

“Here we at outpost Omega 10 Daorn, now let’s go talk the general in this outpost.”

 

"We are at outpost Omega 10, Daorn. Let's go talk to the general here."

 

He wears an orange Ruru, and has special plating in his armor that can withstand large blasts. He used to be like all Ta-Matoran, but ever since the war he had to join seeing that his village was murdered by an army of robots.

 

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by the last sentence, but perhaps: "...but ever since the war and his village was murdered by an army of robots, he had to join the army."

 

“It just takes courage to be one, and stay valiant till death.”

 "...and you have to stay valiant until death." 

He wears a teal colored Miru, with burnt black staining on it, due to a faulty disk that went off in his disk launcher. 

 

"...with a black scorch mark from when a faulty disk went off from his disk launcher." 

Just as he hands him his new position, bomb blasts go off. The village comes on fire, people are scrambling for cover. 

 

This is one example where I think the word choice and order is slightly odd. Here's a quick example of how things could be altered: "Just as he had finished congratulating the matoran and giving him a promotion, an explosion rocked the earth. Daorn saw fires begin to blaze around the village and could hear the screams as matoran scrambled for cover from the destruction."

 

Now that wasn't really the best written, but I think you can see the difference. It's a little less sudden, more descriptive, and, hopefully, more moving, then. Personally I'd go even further and describe this for another sentence or two or even more. That way, the reader feels the terror that Daorn and the villagers feel. 

 

Berserkers go down one by one, bullet holes penetrating its armor.

 

"its" should be "their" as "Berserkers" is plural. 

 

Leowa heads in to help out the effort, but then a Giant appears; armed with an ion cannon that will kill everyone with just a few blasts. It charges up its cannon, electricity can be seen surging through its blades.

 

First off, I'm not exactly sure what you mean by a "Giant"? I'm not too good with Bionicle names, but I've never heard of a species called "Giant" before. Unless you just mean a "big man" in which case the "G" should be uncapitalized. Here's another time, though, when the wording is a little weird. Perhaps it could be changed up a little bit to something like: "Leowa headed in to help out the effort, but before he could a giant blocked his path, armed with an ion cannon that could kill everyone with just a few blasts..." and so on. 

 

“Look out he’s about to fire.” Yelled a vanguard soldier.

 

"Look out, he's about to fire!" yelled a vanguard soldier. 

They fired as fast as they could, but it would take those hits like nothing.

 

The soldiers fired as quickly as they could, but their weapons seemed to have no effect on the giant. 

 

One of them was Leowa, he was killed in the second blast.

 

One of them was Leowa, killed in the second blast.

 

He was incased in fear, the world was going slow as he stood there.

 

I mentioned earlier how, if possible, the reader should feel fear as well. I think you could do that by instead of saying he was afraid, you show it by showing his actions. I think you might mean "encased" too.

 

------------------

 

There are just a couple more things I wanted to point out. Most notably was the constant switch between present and past tense. I think the story definitely works better in past, but you would often switch to present. For example, consider this sentence, in past tense:

 

"He was encased in fear, the world was going slowly as he stood there."In present tense, it would be:

 

"He is encased in fear, the world is going slowly as he stands there."

 

See the difference? But throughout the story you kept switching between the two. For example: "[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Daorn is the Ta-Matoran. He wears an orange Ruru..." The past tense of that would be: "Daorn was a Ta-Matoran. He wore an orange Ruru..."[/color]

 

The other thing is that things often don't seem to be explained very well--I was never completely sure of the setting, and some of the species ("Giant" and "Berserker") I was never quite sure what they were. 

 

I really liked the plot and idea behind this story, though. I think it's incredibly interesting and the characters seem to be cool--especially Daorn with his bravery and courage. With some work on the writing and descriptions, I think this could be a truly great story. Well-done, and keep writing!

 

Posted Image


  • 0

"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender


 winter.jpg

 

[ The Shadowy Verge :: Midnight Voltage :: The Ambage :: SSCC ]





0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users