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Run

FFFC Surrender or Run

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#1 Offline Baltarc

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Posted Feb 26 2013 - 10:15 PM

Run

Thirty seconds. Maybe a bit less. That's about how long I had before I'd have to run. The chute station was crowded, sure, but the Vahki knew who they were looking for. I'd had more than a few run-ins with the law enforcement machines in my years; I knew how quickly their processors could pick someone out.They say you've got two options if the Vahki are after you: surrender or run. Judging by the rapidly growing number of Vahki quickly filling in every conceivable exit, the latter option would likely be impossible. But then again, I'd done a lot of impossible things in my lifetime.Ten seconds now. Nine. Eight. I'd have to move late enough that I could get as close to my target as possible and early enough that they'd be caught off guard. Two seconds. One. Now.From my leisurely walk I broke into a full-on sprint, shoving the Matoran around me aside as I ran. The Vahki sprang to action mere fractions of a second after I made my move, reorganizing themselves, changing their formation based on my path. For a moment they seemed confused, their mechanical minds not understanding what I was doing, knowing only that they had to stop it.They had good reason to be uncertain, as I was running on what must have looked to be a crash course with the wall of a building that faced directly away from the most likely escape route, the chutes. Still, it didn't take the Vahki long to adjust. A pair of the machines moved to intercept my path, one leaving its post at the chutes - which were still guarded by several more, naturally - and the other stepping forward from the alleyway formed by the wall I was running at and the adjoining building. I'd anticipated this, been counting on it, in fact. I continued to run head-on at the pair of Vahki, which no doubt confused them even more - they'd been programmed to deal with simple-minded rahi and common criminals, not with anyone who could actually plan and think for himself. My eyes drifted to their staves. These were Vorzahk, based on their coloration and the shape of their weapons, not to mention that we were in Le-Metru. Rather nasty customers, I knew. One touch from one of those staves and - bam - memory gone. Not a fun experience, or so I'd heard. Fortunately I'd never had the displeasure of experiencing it for myself, and I didn't intend to do so today.I took all this in during the few brief moments I had before I reached the pair of Vahki. As I approached, I slipped a knife from its sheathe and threw it at the machine on the left, aiming for one of its cameras, or "eyes" as I suppose they'd be called if it were a living creature. Even if the weapon missed its mark, it should still prove to distract the machine as I focused on its companion.Said companion stepped forward as I made my throw and tried to give me its whole "surrender or run" deal while waving one of its staves in what was probably supposed to be a threatening manner, but it never finished - I slid forward beneath the weapon it was showing off and wrenched it from the Vahki's hand, springing up behind it and continuing for the wall.I planted the staff in the ground, using it as a pole vault of sorts to gain some extra air as I jumped at the side of the building. The extended reach of my leap proved vital - with the tips of my fingers, I grasped a small electrical pipe and swung sideways, using the momentum of my jump to propel me to the top of the building, putting me in prime position to jump into the chute of my choice. Of course, by now another pair of Vahki had climbed to the roof of the building as well, but I paid them no mind. They lashed out with their staves as I sprinted between them, but I, as always, was faster. A moment later, I was airborne, falling, falling, and suddenly slipping through an irregularity in the chute's electromagnetic field and rocketing away.Honestly, those Onu-Matoran needed to build some better machines.


Edited by Baltarc, Mar 04 2013 - 06:49 PM.

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#2 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Mar 02 2013 - 05:04 PM

Hey look, a review:

Thirty seconds. Maybe a bit less. Thats about how long I had before Id have to run. The chute station was crowded, sure, but the Vahki knew who they were looking for. Id had more than a few run-ins with the law enforcement machines in my years; I knew how quickly their processors could pick someone out.

A story about a dude running for the vahki, not extremely creative but it suits the theme.I1) A comma would work better than the used "."2) Next, you forgot to add a ' between the I and the D.3) Oh you did it again, altough here's a grammar mistake too: The " I'd " had should be "I've".4) I should skip the my, it sounds better.

They say youve got two options if the Vahki are after you: surrender or run. Judging by the rapidly growing number of Vahki quickly filling in every conceivable exit, the latter option would likely be impossible . But then again, Iddone a lot of impossible things in my lifetime.

1) Youve got to be "you've".2) Word repeating here, try to replace Vahki with something like "robots" or "machines" or even "law-engorcers". I'm sure you're creative enough to come up with a good replacement3) For some reason I thing "would be unlikely to be possible" sounds better in my opinion.4) Yet again you forgot the '

Ten seconds now. Nine. Eight. Id have to move late enough that I could get as close to my target as possible and early enough that theyd be caught off guard. Two seconds. One. Now.

1) Add commas instead of points2) The ' again3) Same as 2

From my leisurely walk I broke into a full-on sprint, shoving the Matoran around me aside as I ran. The Vahki sprang to action mere fractions of a second after I made my move, reorganizing themselves, changing their formation based on my path. [b]For a moment they seemed confused, their mechanical minds not understanding what I was doing, knowing only that they had to stop it.

1) Twice the same actually, I'd skip one of the two parts

They had good reason to be uncertain, as I was running on what must have looked to be a crash course with the wall of a building that faced directly away from the most likely escape route, the chutes. Still, it didnt take the Vahki long to adjust. A pair of the machines moved to intercept my path, one leaving its post at the chutes which were still guarded by several more, naturally and the other stepping forward from the alleyway formed by the wall I was running at and the adjoining building. Id anticipated this, been counting on it, in fact. I continued to run head-on at the pair of Vahki, which no doubt confused them even more theyd been programmed to deal with simple-minded rahi and common criminals, not with anyone who could actually plan and think for himself. 

Nice touch, the inpossible route and the vahi not being able to keep up against tha brains.1) ' again.2) This word seems rather out of place.3) ' again, also as a Latinist I love to see people use difficult words for simple things, well done.4) Same as 1Also small mistake-like-thing: most criminals HAVE minds :)

My eyes drifted to their staves. These were Vorzahk, based on their coloration and the shape of their weapons, not to mention that we were in Le-Metru. Rather nasty customers, I knew. One touch from one of those staves and bam memory gone. Not a fun experience, or so Id heard. Fortunately Id never had the displeasure of experiencing it for myself, and I didnt intend to do so today.

1) The sentence gives you the impression the staves and not the Vahi are called that way(uber-minor nitpick, I know :))2) I marked this but forgot why, strange ...3) ' yet again4) Ah, the double negotiation, you just have to love that style-figure. Well well well done.5)  same as 3

I took all this in during the few brief moments I had before I reached the pair of Vahki. As I approached, I slipped a knife from its sheathe and threw it at the machine on the left, aiming for one of its cameras, or eyes as I suppose theyd be called if it were a living creature. Even if the weapon missed its mark, it should still prove to distract the machine as I focused on its companion.

1) '2) This sentence sounds rather odd try replacing it with something like: "could still prove his worth in distracting the machine"

Said companion stepped forward as I made my throw and tried to give me its whole surrender or run deal while waving one of its staves in what was probably supposed to be a threatening manner, but it never [b]finished I slid forward beneath the weapon it was showing off and wrenched it from the Vahkis hand, springing up behind it and continuing for the wall.

Nice implent of the theme here.1) Word repetition + you forgot "the"2) You forgot the "." I guess

I planted the staff in the ground, using it as a pole vault of sorts to gain some extra air as I jumped at the side of the building. The extended reach of my leap proved vital with the tips of my fingers, I grasped a small electrical pipe and swung sideways, using the momentum of my jump to propel me to the top of the building, putting me in prime position to jump into the chute of my choice. Of course, by now another pair of Vahki had climbed to the roof of the building as well, but I paid them no mind. They lashed out with their staves as I sprinted between them, but I, as always, was faster. A moment later, I was airborne, falling, falling, and suddenly slipping through an irregularity in the chutes electromagnetic field and rocketing away.

Polestick jumping :)No problems here, good.

Honestly, those Onu-Matoran needed to build some better machines. 

Bam, and so readers, so you end a story in style.Good overall story, nice influence of the theme. I guess your computer erased all the ' s? Even trough your story had an apparant lack of my favourite word "yet", I really enjoyed reading it, those stylish things like the double negotiation are a big plus.

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#3 Offline Baltarc

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Posted Mar 04 2013 - 07:39 AM

Thanks for the review. For some reason my computer deleted all my apostrophes and dashes when I copied and pasted the story; I've added them back in now.

 

Edit: Looks like the quotation marks were deleted as well, and words in italics were reverted to standard text; both have been fixed.

 

Thanks for catching the word repetitions, by the way. This story was written in a bit of a hurry, so I missed a few myself.

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Also small mistake-like-thing: most criminals HAVE minds [/color] :)

I was trying to convey the idea that the Vahki usually have only two types of targets: "simple-minded rahi" and "common criminals" - that is, those who are not as creative/intelligent/quick-thinking/etc. as the narrator.

 

Anyway, thanks again for the review. I wasn't expecting any comments at all, to be honest.


Edited by Baltarc, Mar 04 2013 - 07:00 PM.

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