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Dear Agony

Breaking Benjamin Dear Agony

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Takaru 1111

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 08:56 PM

This is an SS I Wrote right before the fourms went down. It's a sequal to one of my older Short stories, Diary of Jane, it's also based to a Breaking Benjamin song.Enjoy. Dear Agony; I have nothing left to giveI have found the perfect endYou were made to make it hurtDisappear into the dirt Jade stood over the body of the Po-Matoran she’d loved, Santis. She fell onto her knees and wept “Why?” She asked “, Mata-Nui, why?” Tears slowly rolled down the Ga-Matoran’s sky blue mask of levitation. A thunder-clap echoed in the distance, as rain drenched her body. “You knew it would happen, Jade.” She turned toward the voice, eyes filled with hate and agony, then turned back to Santis’s body “Get away from me!” She yelled, her voice a mix of hate and sorrow “Come, let’s get out of the rain, Ghost.” “Don’t call me that!” She said, her voice hateful and menacing, but sorrowful. Carry me to heaven's armsLight the way and let me goTake the time to take my breathI will end where I began And I will find the enemy withinBecause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin ”December 3 Today…Antroz killed Santis. I am so sorry, darling, it was my fault, you didn’t need to die. This may be my last day to live, but I will avenge you, Santis, I promise. I love you. -Jade” Dear AgonyJust let go of meSuffer slowlyIs this the way it's got to be?Dear Agony Nobody came to Santis’s funeral, but Jade. Now she kneeled by his grave. A simple headstone adorned with his bronze hued Kanohi Pakari and the inscription; ”Here lies the Po-Matotan named Santis.” She set a bunch of Voya-Nui roses by his headstone, they his were favorite. She began to cry again. “I’m sorry, darling.” Jade turned as she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. She saw the Ko-Matoran that had healed her a few weeks ago, Komatu. She smiled sadly, her cheeks wet with tears. “Jade, I heard what happened, I’m sorry, he was a good Matoran, may he rest in peace. Anyway I came to tell you a story.” He paused. “There was a Ga-Matoran I used to love long ago, she was murdered. But I forgave who did it, that’s why I helped you that day, I forgave you, Jade, I forgave you for killing Tanda, that was her name, she was beautiful.” Jade’s face was filled with sorrow and understanding. “If I can forgive a murderer like you, you can forgive Antroz. Let go of your hate. Don’t go for revenge, Jade, Don’t.” SuddenlyThe lights go outLet foreverDrag me downI will fight for one last breathI will fight until the end And I will find the enemy withinBecause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin “No, I’ll never forgive him, ever. I promised Santis he’d have his vengeance. And I will keep my promise.” “I won’t stop you then, Jade. You do what you think you need to do, but keep this in mind, vengeance is not what he would have wanted.” Jade turned and started to weep. “Of course it is!” With that she stalked off to find Antroz, and end his life. Dear AgonyJust let go of meSuffer slowlyIs this the way it's got to be? Don't bury meFaceless enemyI'm so sorryIs this the way it's gotta be?Dear Agony December 4 I am going to get your revenge, darling, no matter what. Antroz is going to pay for this! -Jade Leave me aloneGod let me goI'm blue and coldBlack sky will burn Love pull me downHate lift me upJust turn aroundThere's nothing left “Antroz, come out and face me!” Jade yelled into the shadows”, unless you think you’ve trained me too well.” “Ah, Jade, you puny, insignificant, Brakas,” Antroz said emerging from the dark”, you want to fight me!? This’ll be fun!” Somewhere far beyond this worldI feel nothing anymore Antroz was the first to strike, and after a few furious seconds of fighting, the first to fall. Jade held her blade at the Makuta’s throat. She raised her blade to finish the crimson Makuta, but before she could, the memories flooded in, every one she had of Santis. What Komatu had said hit her like a hurricane. She tossed her blade aside and started walking away “Come on, I was just starting to enjoy myself! Finish me!” “You may be a monster, but I won’t kill you. Sorry to disappoint.” “Bad move!” Antroz said jabbing his gnarled blade into Jade’s back. He then unfurled his wings and flew off Dear AgonyJust let go of meSuffer slowlyIs this the way it's got to be? As Jade lie on the rain drenched grass dyeing, she smiled, she’d fulfilled her destiny, and let go of her hate. One tear formed in her eye, a tear of joy, and she died Don't bury meFaceless enemyI'm so sorryIs this the way it's gotta be?Dear Agony Everyone in Jade’s small village attended her funeral. It was a beautiful ceremony. As her coffin was slowly lowered into the ground, Matoran tossed in beautiful flowers of all kinds. I feel nothing anymore On her headstone, next to Santis’s, was her mask, and the writing: You are forgiven, Jade, rest In peace The End
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#2 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

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Posted May 19 2012 - 06:14 PM

The plot was touching, but I found it to be too insubstantial. I want to know more about Jade and Santis, more about Jade's crime. Also, I would have liked to know for sure where the story is set--is this Karda-Nui? Moreover, I thought it was all too rushed. This Matoran died, his love swore revenge, she actually defeated Antroz (which I consider unlikely, even if Antroz trained her--and why did he?), but she couldn't bring herself to kill him and so he killed her. It's a nice tale, but I would have liked a lot more intricacy.Another matter that bugged me was your grammar. There were a lot of mistakes; too many for my taste. When grammatical rules are broken and the words don't flow properly, it brings your reader out of the world you're trying to conjure.And you never really did anything to pull me into your world. No vivid descriptions, no backstory, no character development. You told me about Jade, about Santis, about Antroz; but I wanted to see them for myself through your words. The few descriptions you had were good, but they weren't nearly detailed enough. And you did little to depict Jade's thoughts, her feelings.Grammatically, there were too many mistakes to list them all, but here were some of the most significant:

You wrote: "Why?" She asked ", Mata-Nui, why?"Corrected: "Why?" she asked, "Mata-Nui, why?

The first letter after a quotation should not be capitalized, unless it's part of a separate structure. This was not. Also, the comma was misplaced, though I think it might have been replaced completely. The former mistake was repeated a few times, so watch out for that.

She set a bunch of Voya-Nui roses by his headstone, they his were favorite.

That comma is awkward. It would be better replaced by a semicolon, or even a period.

"Jade, I heard what happened, I’m sorry, he was a good Matoran, may he rest in peace. Anyway I came to tell you a story."

That was a run-on sentence, of which I saw several throughout your story. Run-on sentences can be useful when applied correctly; sometimes they can depict excitement or mere carelessness on the part of the speaker, or can be used for faster description, as for action. But in this case the speaker was sympathetic, maybe concerned and a little sad; his speech should have been slower and less abrupt to reflect that.

Antroz was the first to strike, and after a few furious seconds of fighting, the first to fall. Jade held her blade at the Makuta’s throat. She raised her blade to finish the crimson Makuta, but before she could, the memories flooded in, every one she had of Santis. What Komatu had said hit her like a hurricane. She tossed her blade aside and started walking away"Bad move!" Antroz said jabbing his gnarled blade into Jade’s back. He then unfurled his wings and flew off

There was a severe lack of description in that battle. Also, it lasted only a few seconds? Are we talking about the same Antroz?Again, it was all too rushed, with too little detail, too little emotion. But these aren't grammatical concerns. First, the upper paragraph was missing a period at its end. Second, the lower paragraph was missing a comma after "Antroz said," though I felt putting Antroz's statement beside his action was too abrupt.

As Jade lie on the rain drenched grass dyeing, she smiled, she’d fulfilled her destiny, and let go of her hate. One tear formed in her eye, a tear of joy, and she died

She lay on the grass. And also, if she was a human, she would have been dyeing the grass; but as a biomechanical being, she was merely dying. Again, there were too many commas, not enough periods. The segments of each sentence were too unrelated, and would have been better separated by more than commas. Moreover, I again wanted more detail, more emotion.I won't lie to you. This wasn't very good. But it was an interesting story, and you do show promise. Believe me, I've written worse things. Don't let all my criticism get you down; use it to bolster yourself up. Every flaw is an opportunity to do better, to improve yourself. If you continue writing and continue to develop your skills, I think you can do well. But it doesn't matter what I think. It doesn't even matter what you think. It matters what you know. Do you know you can do well? I know you can if you try. I know you can if you believe in yourself. I know you can if you truly dedicate yourself to writing because you love to write. But it is you who needs to know this, not I.

From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:


Edited by Nuile: The Daft Wordbender, May 19 2012 - 06:14 PM.

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#3 Offline Athmos

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Posted May 20 2012 - 08:04 AM

The plot was enjoyable, but this seemed more like an outline for a story than a story itself. Nuile pointed out all the grammar and spelling problems that you had, so that's good. I can see something really good coming out of this.
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WIP





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