Posted Oct 16 2011 - 08:56 PM
Posted May 19 2012 - 06:14 PM
The first letter after a quotation should not be capitalized, unless it's part of a separate structure. This was not. Also, the comma was misplaced, though I think it might have been replaced completely. The former mistake was repeated a few times, so watch out for that.
You wrote: "Why?" She asked ", Mata-Nui, why?"Corrected: "Why?" she asked, "Mata-Nui, why?
That comma is awkward. It would be better replaced by a semicolon, or even a period.
She set a bunch of Voya-Nui roses by his headstone, they his were favorite.
That was a run-on sentence, of which I saw several throughout your story. Run-on sentences can be useful when applied correctly; sometimes they can depict excitement or mere carelessness on the part of the speaker, or can be used for faster description, as for action. But in this case the speaker was sympathetic, maybe concerned and a little sad; his speech should have been slower and less abrupt to reflect that.
"Jade, I heard what happened, I’m sorry, he was a good Matoran, may he rest in peace. Anyway I came to tell you a story."
There was a severe lack of description in that battle. Also, it lasted only a few seconds? Are we talking about the same Antroz?Again, it was all too rushed, with too little detail, too little emotion. But these aren't grammatical concerns. First, the upper paragraph was missing a period at its end. Second, the lower paragraph was missing a comma after "Antroz said," though I felt putting Antroz's statement beside his action was too abrupt.
Antroz was the first to strike, and after a few furious seconds of fighting, the first to fall. Jade held her blade at the Makuta’s throat. She raised her blade to finish the crimson Makuta, but before she could, the memories flooded in, every one she had of Santis. What Komatu had said hit her like a hurricane. She tossed her blade aside and started walking away"Bad move!" Antroz said jabbing his gnarled blade into Jade’s back. He then unfurled his wings and flew off
She lay on the grass. And also, if she was a human, she would have been dyeing the grass; but as a biomechanical being, she was merely dying. Again, there were too many commas, not enough periods. The segments of each sentence were too unrelated, and would have been better separated by more than commas. Moreover, I again wanted more detail, more emotion.I won't lie to you. This wasn't very good. But it was an interesting story, and you do show promise. Believe me, I've written worse things. Don't let all my criticism get you down; use it to bolster yourself up. Every flaw is an opportunity to do better, to improve yourself. If you continue writing and continue to develop your skills, I think you can do well. But it doesn't matter what I think. It doesn't even matter what you think. It matters what you know. Do you know you can do well? I know you can if you try. I know you can if you believe in yourself. I know you can if you truly dedicate yourself to writing because you love to write. But it is you who needs to know this, not I.
As Jade lie on the rain drenched grass dyeing, she smiled, she’d fulfilled her destiny, and let go of her hate. One tear formed in her eye, a tear of joy, and she died
From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith
Edited by Nuile: The Daft Wordbender, May 19 2012 - 06:14 PM.
When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . .
I know I am ready to start my voyage.
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