This is my first time playing. I'm glad you're doing this.
Things I like:
- The Hafu scene. That's great
- The matoran life
Feedback (a lot of this has to do with the text - cutting a lot of words and changing it to more active voice would make it sound better):
- In the opening scene, Jaller teleports in. If you make him slide in from below (so that he starts below the screen, instead of on it), it wouldn't look like he teleported
- I doubt that Matoran would say "heh". Also, I'd put a comma between "worse" and "aren't" in the next sentence. If you get rid of "a month ago" ("Ever since that day a month ago"), it would sound a little better. "Whatever" doesn't seem much like a matoran thing to say, either. If you cut the "so" from "So there's nothing to fear", it's more affirmative and fits better. Same with "and" in "And that was the gate...". Later, Jaller says "Wait a miniute" (mispelling with two periods). I'd replace "Hmm" with "Well" and add a comma after "chased" and before "so".
- Basically, the opening cutscene is far too wordy. Speech is great but it takes too long to get through (and the sound of BIONICLE characters talking can grow tiresome).
- In what I assume is Jaller's room (or a guard room), there is a map. It would be awesome if you could view it by clicking on it.
- In the next conversation, I'd add "They are" to "Dangerous creatures...". Jaller would be more affirmative if he said "But they're trapped down there" (which fits with his character). Also, the first letters of their sentences in this conversation aren't all capitalized. "Rock layer" is two words. Vakama says "Perhaps you already hold the answer yourself", which should either be "Perhaps you hold the answer within yourself" or "Perhaps you already know the answer" (which sounds better, in my opinion). In "The Toa returned to the surface", you only have two periods. Likewise, in "then I was..chased", the first letter isn't capitalized and you only have two periods. Same in the next phrase. And the one after that. And the one after that. "I would say that is your answer then;" would be better as "You have your answer". Likewise, "if you were still able to get out" is better as "if you were able to escape". You use "than" in "than the seal must still be broken" when you mean "then", and it would be better if you changed it to "the seal is broken". In "Takua take this letter to all the other Turaga", it needs a comma after "Takua" and would be better without the "all". In "Where are you heading Takua", a comma is needed after "heading". In "Thanks Jaller your company is always welcome" needs a comma after "Jaller".
- When a Ga-Matoran says "Chronicler! is it really you? I heard about how you helped the Toa, wish I could've been there!", the "is" needs to be capitalized. It would also sound better as "Chronicler! Is that really you? I heard about your adventures at Kini-Nui! I wish I could have been there!". The same matoran says "I'm gunna catch a big one, I can feel it" - it should be "I'm gonna", but that would be better as "I'm going to". Also, there should either be an exclamation mark or a comma, but not both.
- When talking to Hahli, the question "How has Ga Koro been recently?" needs a dash in between "Ga" and "Koro". It would be better as "How is Ga-Koro?" In her reply to "What have you been up to?", there is an unneeded space within the word "I've". I don't recall boat designs changing between MNOG I and II - did they? "It has been quite peaceful...", it would be better with a period instead of a comma. "Repairs to the docks..." would be better if you cut the "after that Tarakava attacked." I'd replace "common tasks" with "everday work". "I hear the you" should be "I hear that you" and there should be a comma after "hard work".
- If Ga-Matoran said "Makuta is finally defeated" instead of "dead" it would fit more with the universe.
- You can ask the astrologer the question "What are seeing in the stars", which makes no sense whatsoever. He says "a new celestial body has aligned", which doesn't make sense either.
- Meeting with Nokama...Nokama refers to Jaller as "Captian of the Guard" (should be "Captain"). I would cut the "so far" in "What is being done about this so far?" Jaller says "villiges", but it should be "villages". "Hmm" should be capitalized, and "the bridge heading inland from here is still broken" would be better as "the inland bridge is still broken". "Thanks for the help Turaga Nokama" needs a comma after "help".
- "Fishtank" is actually two words.
- At the Ga-Koro beach, Jaller says "Takua what are those marks on the beach", which needs a comma after "Takua". In the following cutscene..."Look at these marks Takua" needs a comma after "marks". In "yeah, It seems like a boat was here", "yeah" should be capitalized", "it" should not and it would read better as "Yeah, it appears that a boat was here." A number of sentences aren't properly capitalized here. "well I think we can assume that..." would be better as "I think we can assume that Maku is no longer at the village."
- When Nokama says "Hello again", you are missing a period. "Again" should be capitalized in "WHAT! again?" "Maku sneaks out of the village quite often..." would be better as "Maku sneaks out of the village quite often. It appears that she has left again, despite my warnings." "if" should be capitalized and I would cut the sentence to "If you want her help you will have to find her. I apologize for any wasted time this may cause." The question "do you know where..." should have "do" capitalized. "sometimes she goes exploring inland" would be better as "She likes to explore inland, particularly around the Hura Mara river" (also, "river" shouldn't be capitalized and the first word should be). "other times..." would be better as "At other times she sneaks out of the village to meet with Huki, the Koli champion. She claims she is just practicing sailing, but I know the truth" (meet with is better than spy on).
- I'm not sure if matoran say "gah" - I would change Maku's exclamation to "You scared me!" "Relax Jaller" needs a comma after "Relax". "Some creatures beneath the island..." would make more sense as "I found some creatures beneath the island, and they have the Turaga very worried., and there needs to be a comma after "very dangerous creatures" in Jaller's sentence. "Do you know a fast way across..." should be "Do you know a shortcut across..." "Hmm" and "yes" should be capitalized. "lets" should be "let's". "by the way Maku" should be "By the way, Maku". "We need to get moving Takua" should be "We need to get moving, Takua". "right, sorry, lets get going" should be "Right, sorry, let's get going." "take" in "Take care Jaller" should not be capitalized. "make sure you keep..." would be better as "Keep Maku safe." "Don't worry Takua..." needs a comma after "Takua". "You use caution too..." would be better as "Be careful, Takua" and "these monsters could appear anytime" would be better as "these monsters could appear at any time." "Uh.." needs another period, "you should get going...." has one too many.
- When Jaller says "I thought you said were were going to Ga-Koro, the cable car will take us to Ko-Koro", that should be two sentences or a two phrases separated by a dash.
- When talking to the merchant in Po-Wahi..."Its busier because..." should be "It's busier because the Toa defeated Makuta." In his response, "thats" should be "that's". I think that the pile of rubble beneath Onua's mask in the canyon should still be there.
- I'm not sure that Matoran would say "callin'", I think they'd say "calling". "But, your brave stand was nonetheless..." would be better as "But your brave stand was nonetheless vital to the Toa's defeat of Makuta, and your company's fame has spread throughout Mata Nui."
- When Hafu says "or should I say "Chronicler" or "Hero", it would be better as "Or should I say "Chronicler"? How about "hero"?" "Showing off a little Huki" should be "Showing off a little, Huki" (otherwise you're saying that he's showing off a small Huki, which would be funny albeit incorrect). "So what ya up to" seems totally out of character - Huki would say something like "So what are you up to"? "Well I'm trying to sell my statues" would be better as "I'm selling statues" (less passive) "but for some reason nobody is buying." His next phrase should be "I can't understand why - after all, *I* made them." "They're.... all statues of you" has one too many periods. "why dont you..." should be "Why don't you make statues of the Toa?" In "Wait, There's only one", "There's" should not be capitalized. In "Ha Ha! First come, First serve," the second "ha" should not be capitalized, nor should the second "first." In "they obviously don't understand Art," "Art" should not be capitalized. "whatever you say Hafu my friend," should be "Whatever you say, Hafu, my friend." "I better" should be "I had better" in both instances. I love the cutscene, by the way.
- In Hafu's dialogue, "but now that you mention it...", the "but" should be capitalized, and "overlook" isn't a thing - do you mean lookout tower? In "behind you there are...", "behind" should be capitalized, "Right" should not be, and "that should lead you to it, no guarantees though" would be a lot better if you got rid of "no guarantees, though."
- In Onewa's dialogue, "actually he just left," would be better as "He just left. Pohatu has been visiting the village more frequently now that Makuta is defeated." "sometimes he even..." would be better without the "heh" (per above) and it would be better as "Sometimes he even jumps in the Koli ring with the matoran. They found that the only way to make it remotely fair is a Toa vs. all match." The next sentence would be better as "Even then, he still wins, but it's fun to watch."
- There shouldn't be an apostrophe in "Thank's".
- Various dialogue boxes have text in the wrong places - it should always be the top left, then top right, then bottom left, then bottom right.
- I may be wrong about this, but didn't the naming ceremony happen after the Bohrok-Kal (at the same time that the Matoran were made larger)? If so, then Jaller should be Jala. If not, then Huki should be Hewkii and Koli should be Kolhii.
I'm done for now.
To summarize: you have a lot of capitalization issues, with words not capitalized or capitalized when they should not be. You have a lot of instances in which a comma is necessary but is left out (particularly when someone is addressing a character - a comma is necessary there), and quite a few where there are too few periods. You also leave out a few apostrophes. The cutscenes are also a bit long; as much as I like listening to just about any sound from MNOG, the sound of heads moving can get really tedious if it goes on for too long. Whoever is doing the dialogue could probably use some help with writing it. If you want, I'd be more than happy to directly help whoever is doing dialogue write it.
Edit:I'm taking a look at the second chapter. It's interesting, but I don't think that Takua knows how to fight (even as a Toa it seems like he usually just uses his elemental powers). It would make more sense if Jaller jump-kicked him as he almost certainly has combat training.
Edited by BobaFett2, Dec 01 2013 - 03:47 PM.