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What Really Happened to Azaran

WRHtA Humor Literature DWAH

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#1 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 10:51 PM

Well, this here's the story of what happened to a man named Azaran. Not those lies they tell you about kidnappings and burlap sacks, but his actual misadventures. This here tale I'm-a going to unfold, happened in about the hundr'd1 n' fifties. As in, 'tween hundr'd n' fifty, and 59. How do I know what happened? Well, technically I was there, man.

 

Now, don'chu be confuddled, Azaran isn't the main protagonist. Neither am I. This chronicle revolves around a man named Kandarii. He's a professional fisherman. Not in the good way, like, being on the telly (Which, I dunno, may or may not happ'n.). He's a pro fisherman in the other way, as in, it's his only source of income. That, n' bein' a guitarist. Enough of my ramblings, we....we.... Oh, let's just start the dern'd story.

 

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]What Really Happened to Azeran[/font]

 

ACT I

 

Metru-Nui, mid 150's, BGC

 

CHAPTER ONE

 

Kandarii had been wandering about the plains, when a small boy approached him. The small boy asked him, "Want to play Hide-and-Seek?"

 

Kandarii's reply was, "Well, sure."

 

So, the boy began to count down from 10, and Kandarii fled at full sprint. He ran through the field, past the All-Mart, and all the way until he was in Ga-Metru. He didn't stop there. He continued until he was on a large building. Looking behind him, he thought, No regrets. He leaped.

 

It was a dry and sandy day in the deserts, somewhere, when an unknown figure came tumbling down from a cliff-side. He landed abruptly. Yes, it's Kandarii. Kandarii without a beard, and dressed in a hood, tunic,robes, fancy trousers, and fresh looking boots. He had a scimitar, for some reason. He kept running, looking behind him for the small boy he thought was pursuing him. He found an oasis. He jumped in the water, hoping for a good place to hide. He resurfaced a few seconds later. It was midnight, he had a shotgun, and eyed Super Mutants. Run, he thought.

 

And so he did. Before long, the super mutants had disappeared from view. He was still being chased by the boy, he was sure. He entered a shack. After short while, he exited the shack. What happened? He was in combat armor, back in Ga-Metru, and armed with a...musket. What were these, abominations? They looked and smelt like dinosaurs, but were yelling in bizarre, deep voices. Ultimately, he was crushed.

 

Kandarii woke up abruptly. What...What happened? He asked himself. He was in his bed, and it appeared that someone poured apple juice on his pants. So he got out of bed, got dressed, and groggily prepared breakfast, contemplating his dreams.

 

A knock on the door. He opened it, slowly. Outside was a small boy, who began to ask: "Want to-"

 

Kandarii slammed the door in the boy's face. You see, he looks almost exactly like the boy in his dreams. Another knock on the door. Kandarii opens it again, to see Azaran, his good friend, and the local drunkard2. He was sober, for the time being. He looked similar to Kandarii, in the way he had a beard, a hunting hat, and a stylish, old-fashioned pair of glasses.

 

"What is up, Fishman?" He asked.

 

"I had this bizarre dream." Kandarii reported.

 

"Dude, you probably shouldn't have eaten so much fish. I hear the pollution makes the fish, make people sick."

 

"C'mon, Azeran. we both know that's a load."

 

[color=#696969;]1. It's a dialect. Misspellings are on purpose.[/color]

[color=#696969;]2. Metru-Nui can't really have a "Town Drunk" because it's simply too big.[/color]


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#2 Offline Phovos

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Posted Mar 13 2013 - 05:39 AM

Well, this looks like it might be a bit of fun! I was reading through, thinking "that was random!" and then suddenly it's a dream. Which, in this case, is a good thing. A little thing I'd like to point out, within the actual story, I'd suggest not using little notes like 2. Just explain it in the text if it's something as simple as Metru-Nui being too big to have a village drunk. Also, superscript is better than subscript for the little notes :)

 

Is Azeran your character or a canon one or something? Or is he from Skyrim maybe? The name sounds familiar and I am too lazy to google it.


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#3 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Mar 14 2013 - 09:38 AM

Yes, Azeran is of my own design, as is Kandarii. I appreciate the feedback.

 

Believe it or not, the first few paragraphs were based on a bizarre dream of my own.


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#4 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Mar 14 2013 - 05:23 PM

This is probably one of the more unique comedies I've come across in recent memory, to say the least.

 

It's pretty intriguing. I'm interested to find out where this goes. Just out of curiosity...do Bionicles wear pants in this version of Metru Nui, or did I miss something there?

 

-MT


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#5 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Mar 14 2013 - 05:52 PM

Yes, they wear pants.


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#6 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Mar 15 2013 - 06:21 PM

*cough* Well *cough cough* it's that time again. *cough* Before we begin *cough* I'd like to tell ye *cough* something. You know what, we need some fresh air in here... 

 

*window opening*

 

*ahem* Now that's over n' done with, let's keep 'er going. But before we git on with it-

 

"Get on with it!"

 

"Yes, get on with it!!"

 

"GET ON WITH IT!"

 

Okay okay okay okay, jeesh. Calm youselves.

 

CHAPTER TWO

 

"So, how goes the fishing?" inquired Azeran.

 

"Well, I don't get much these days. When I do buy 'em, I sell them. 'Cept, people don't even pay for them anymore." said Kandarii.

 

"They get stolen?"

 

"No, I just give 'em away. They're not worth much."

 

"Kandar', sometimes I wonder about your mental health."

 

That night, Kandarii's dreams only became more strange. 

 

Page from Kandarii's Journal of Dreams n' Similar Sleep-Related Happenings.

 

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]Date: 7/4/151[/font]

 

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]In this dream, I was in a courtyard. So, this guy in a hood, robes and a kilt walks up to me, and says, "You have the fate of the whole world in your hands! Make wise decisions!"[/font]

 

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]​So, for some insane reason, I burst into song.[/font]

 

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]I got the whole world,[/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]in my hands[/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]I got the whole wide world,[/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]in my hands [/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]I got the whole world,[/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]in my hands[/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]I got the whole world in my hands[/font]

 

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]I got the whole world,[/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]in my hands[/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]I got the whole wide world,[/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]in my hands [/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]I got the whole world,[/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]in my hands[/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]I got the whole world in my hands[/font]

 

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]Then the robed guy says, "You have the whole, world, in your hands, you have the whole, world, in your hands!"[/font]

 

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]Then Azaran yells from somewhere behind me, "He's got the whole #### world, in his hands!"[/font]

 

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]And it gets worse. 2 more robed guys appear, join in on the singing, but I'm confused, and cry out, "What, stop! I wanted to sing, but I didn't want this!"[/font]

 

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]And then I wake up. Has to be the weirdest thing that's happened to me since 3/15/40. Also, someone has broken into my apartment last night, and poured apple juice on my pants. Again.[/font]

 

After writing the above, Kandarii tries to take a walk. He goes fishing. And then....

 

His destiny was realized.

 

Are you friggin' serious!? 'His destiny was realized'!? He went FISHING. How much bad things can happen?

 

Good things can be related to destiny.

 

​Fishing. That has to be the most sedentary activitay of all time.

 

Says the assistant narrator.

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]ROASTED![/font]

 

Shut up, Combat Announcer.

 

1. Kandar' is a nickname for Kandarii.


Edited by Dude w/ a Hat, Mar 15 2013 - 06:28 PM.

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#7 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Mar 18 2013 - 06:30 PM

CHAPTER THREE

 

Elsewhere, 151 BGC

 

Guh, I'll never party again, Azeran thought. He was unsure how he had gotten into the place he was, but, for an unknown reason, he was in some kind of mansion, with large stained glass windows. "Hey, the cathedrals have joined Batman!" He called out. He took the moment to look at his surroundings for a way out. The windows were an obvious choice, but- Oh, that's a long fall. A closer inspection revealed that the manor was actually quite old. "Wayne Manor.... More like Castle Wayne!" He yelled. For some reason, there was soda on the rug. That's a shame, because the rug really tied the room together.

 

In lieu of escape, he tossed a chair out the window. "Here, Slenderman! Have another chair for your collection, you ####!" He shouted.

 

He squinted into the fog, and could barely see a tiled building. Out of the door, came a freakishly long arm, which gave the thumbs-up. Shaken by this, Azeran walked back onto the soda rug. He looks around once more, and slaps himself. Doors! You see, all Azeran needed to do, was break on through, to the other side. Why break and enter? The doors were locked. 

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]AZERAN ISSUES A FAILKEN KICK TO THE DOOR, TO FIND A MYRIAD OF CREATURES![/font]

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Oh wait, they're just mannequins. They all had a suit, tie, FANCY PANTS and fresh kicks. Why do people call them "kicks"? They're shoes, ace![/font][/font]

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]A WILD SLENDERMAN JUST APPEARED![/font][/font][/font]

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]What? No, Combat Announcer! I'll narrate the story, thank you very much. Oh waaah, you want to narrate, but you can't! I'll take it from here, bro.[/font][/font][/font][/font]

 

Anyways, he navigates a maze of eerie mannequins, which always seem to be facing him. He leaves the mannequin room, to find a library! I hope there's some CCR in here, it'd get boring without it. But, they do have it! Now to find a tape player...

 

Oh god, they don't have a tape player! What kind of arcaneum doesn't have a tape player!? Well, now Azeran has something to do.


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#8 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Mar 30 2013 - 09:09 AM

Definitely a couple of interesting chapters. 

 

I'm a little curious about the dialect. Is it based on anything, or is it just made up for the sake of comedy? It seems somewhat similar to the Southern dialect used by Mark Twain in his stories.

 

-MT


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#9 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Apr 04 2013 - 11:46 PM

Inspired by the Stranger from The Big Lebowski.


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#10 Offline Phovos

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Posted Apr 06 2013 - 12:38 PM

Chapter two with Kandar's dream was very interesting, hinting at much bigger things to come. Chapter three though seemed to unravel rather quickly, kinda melting into a pot of semi randomness. This led to a gap between what was actually going on in the two chapters.Make it a tad more coherent and it'll be even better!
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#11 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Apr 07 2013 - 09:52 PM

Ah yes, thank you! For the purpose of clarity, allow me to make one simple statement:

 

Chapters 2 and 3 take place at the same time.

 

 

Well, the dream part.


Edited by Dude w/ a Hat, Apr 07 2013 - 10:09 PM.

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#12 Offline Phovos

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Posted Apr 08 2013 - 01:06 AM

Huh. Things happening at the same time. Interesting.


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#13 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Apr 29 2013 - 05:53 PM

CHAPTER FOUR

 

 

"Kandarii!"

 

Kandarii turned around to see, of all people, his landowner.  He waited for a response.

 

The Landlord shuffled up to Kandarii by way of dance, and hurriedly got out the words, "Kandarii, Azeran's gone!"

 

"what"

 

3 short hours later, Kandar' had acquired an cheaply made sword, 3 day's food and a sleeping bag. He departed for the north to look for his friend.

 

Unfortunately, Azeran was south of Metru-Nui.

South of Metru-Nui

A mysterious figure walked down the mysterious hallway, that had mysterious pictures on the walls. He walked with a mysterious gait, to a mysterious door, with mysterious intentions-

 

Lemme fix this. LOK... VAH KOOR!

 

*Ahem* A dude named Aldeboros walked towards the room where Azeran was located. He was investigating the ruckus he was causing with the Slendermannequins. He opened the door.

 

"WHATAREYOUDOING!?" He yelled with uncanny speed.

 

"Uh, well, I'm, like, eh, looking for a tape player, man." Said Azeran, slowly, as if to cancel out Aldeboros' rapid speech.

 

"You're, 'uh, well, like, eh' breaking and entering! I'll see you in court."

 

After this short exchange, Aldeboros issued a-

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]LOTUS KICK![/font]

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]-Thank you. A Lotus Kick to Azeran, sending him through the window.[/font][/font]

 

[color=#696969;]Tune in next time, for the adventures of ME, Herbert Daring Dashwood to What Really Happened to Azeran![/color]


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#14 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Jun 06 2013 - 11:29 PM

Y'mean next time, as in, more than two months?

 

Yes pretty much. Anyways, we need to get this show on the tracks!

 

...what?

 

CHAPTER FIVE

 

The Northlands were an uncanny, barren wasteland, which was populated by freakish creatures. The Glakk was one such example. In short, the creature was a short quadruped with a lion-like body, but it's mouth was all weird, with the mandibles and the dangly tentacle bits.

 

[font="georgia, serif;"]Why I would even consider going to this barren waste is completely beyond my comprehension[/font], Kandarii thought to himself.

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]A WILD SLENDERMAN JUST APPEARED![/font]

 

No! Shoo!

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]A WILD GLAKK JUST APPEARED![/font]

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]...Thank you. So, to deal with this menace, [/font][/font]

KANDARRII USES SLASH! ...THERE IS NO NOTICEABLE EFFECT!

 

But then the Glakk uses it's suck ability. That's it's only mode of attack, is to firmly grab hold of a surface with it's mouth, and suck. Yes, really.

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;font-size:x-small;"]THERE IS NO NOTICEABLE[/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;font-size:x-small;"] EFFECT![/font]

 

Kandarii attacks again.

 

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;font-size:x-small;"]THERE IS NO NOTICEABLE[/font][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;font-size:x-small;"] EFFECT![/font]

-----

Azeran's day had gotten off to a brilliant start. He woke up in some cathedral-mansion-thing and had just been kicked out through a window. At least he had Creedence. But no tape player! Perhaps there was one in these pervasive woods, somewhere in this ominous fog?

 

It was worth a shot.

 

 

[color=#696969;]Guys, I am really, really, really sorry for not getting this chapter up sooner. School has consumed much of my time, but now that I have free time, you can expect more frequent updates. Thank you for your patience.[/color]

 

[color=#696969;]-The Author[/color]


Edited by Lieutenant Obvious, Jun 06 2013 - 11:33 PM.

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#15 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Jun 10 2013 - 03:41 PM

CHAPTER FIVE

 

Aldeboros reached for the nearest phone, which, unfortunately was a plastic toy cell phone. He reached for the second nearest phone, which was a banana, for some inexplicable reason. He went to the table to pick up the third nearest phone which, luckily, was a normal, functional phone, albeit one which had a spin-dial mechanism, whatever it's called.

 

"Hello, is this the police?"

-----

Azeran looked about himself. There were several trees around him, with long, slender branches. He walked in the direction he believed was north. He must have hurt his leg, because he was moving slower than a stick of butter rolling downhill.

 

Hey, I was gonna say that!

 

..Not that it mattered, of course. He would find a tape player, eventually.

-----

After several hours of fighting a Glakk, Kandarii triumphed over the beast. It was an extremely frustrating process considering that he had beaten the beast in one hit.


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#16 Offline Phovos

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Posted Jun 11 2013 - 03:29 AM

Okay, the banana phone joke made me laugh way too much. I do think it's descending a bit into too much randomness but it's still enjoyable.

 

I can't remember what Lok Vah Koor is. I think it's Clear Skies (Lok means Sky). Not very useful indoors.


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#17 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Jun 11 2013 - 01:38 PM

Yes, Lok Vah Koor is clear skies.

 

Used in this context to make the story less convoluted.


Edited by Lieutenant Obvious, Jun 11 2013 - 01:39 PM.

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#18 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Jun 17 2013 - 08:36 PM

CHAPTER SIX

 

Hopefully, the Distant Future

 

This place was freakish. Horrifying. Dystopian. And yet, over 4 million beings inhabit this dimension. A single robotic entity stood in the cobblestone streets, and issued a call, "WH3R3 4R3 Y0U 5TUP1D N00BS!?!?!?!?" There was no response. The robot uttered an incomprehensible sentence, presumably swearing about the absence of aforementioned noobs.

 

Meanwhile, inside a building nearby a hunched old man tinkered with a machine which he had been working on for months. He was a victim of identity theft and was seeking to go back in time to prevent his money from being stolen by the Impostor. Among other things. Easier said than done, of course. he had already built the Chrono-Stabilizer, attached it to the completed Space-Timey module, and was now integrating the completed device into a space suit. He took a momentary break from his studies to ponder about how he had ended up in his present situation.

 

He had no food, no money, not much clothing, and was working 50 hours a day to complete his machine. It had started 4 years prior-

 

Whoa, whoa, that's enough exposition for now. What say we look at Azeran's situation?

 

Very well then.

 

Metru Nui, Present Day

 

Azeran took notice of a van in the distance. There was much fog in the air,, and some kind of thumping noise. He saw that someone had scrawled the words, "Collect all 8 pages" on a nearby tree. He had a book with him, so he did not need paper.  . Perhaps there was a tape player in the van?...


Edited by Lieutenant Obvious, Jul 02 2013 - 05:21 PM.

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#19 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 10:35 PM

...I think I'm officially confused.

 

Though I got that Azeran was sucked into a game of Slender in Metru Nui. That should be interesting.

 

Hopefully the Slenderman is the guy who played Pohatu in MoL. :P

 

-MT


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#20 Offline Dapper-San

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Posted Jul 02 2013 - 05:20 PM

[color=#a9a9a9;]It'll make much more sense later, trust me.[/color]

 

[color=#000000;]CHAPTER SEVEN[/color]

 

[color=#000000;]The Woods[/color]

 

[color=#000000;]....There was! Now to use it. The door was locked. Hmm, the key should be around here...[/color]

 

Ah, but the door is rusted! Not that it carries any significance, but still! He thought for a short while. He came up with a solution: Rip the door from its hinges! He pulled, he tugged, he heaved, he... pulled on the door, but to no avail! He looked through the tinted windows, to see a long, thin businessman.

 

Maybe it would be best to find another tape player.

 

The Wooooorld of Tomorrow

 

Heyyy, you think we can talk about the cool old dude from the future?

 

I see no harm in it. *ahem*...

 

It was a dark and stormy night, and the Old Dude was sleeping. It was pouring outside, and he was snoring quite loudly. When he woke up, he was in the middle of nowhere, and he had absolutely no possessions. He had realized, that he had been moved around somehow. And that sucks, because he was a politician.

 

He spent the next years working on his time contraption, while the Impostor had completely messed everything up. His plans were finnaly bearing fruit- He was very close to reversing all the damage the Impostor had done.


Edited by Lieutenant Obvious, Jul 02 2013 - 05:24 PM.

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#21 Offline Onarax

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Posted Jul 30 2013 - 08:17 AM

REVIEW TIME:Spelling and Grammar:

 

Chapter Four

Kandarii turned around to see, of all people, his landowner.  He waited for a response.

You have two spaces between the full stop and "He". 

The Landlord shuffled up to Kandarii by way of dance, and hurriedly got out the words, "Kandarii, Azeran's gone!"

Use a colon instead of a comma. 

"what"

Capitalise and add a full stop. 

3 short hours later, Kandar' had acquired an cheaply made sword, 3 day's food and a sleeping bag. He departed for the north to look for his friend.

Don't use numerals for "three", Kandarii's name was misspelt; you need to use "a", not "an". "3 day's food" is incredibly vague and would be better if it was "three day's worth of food". 

South of Metru-NuiA mysterious figure walked down the mysterious hallway, that had mysterious pictures on the walls. He walked with a mysterious gait, to a mysterious door, with mysterious intentions-

It's "a mysterious hallway". It's not really a definite article. You don't need a comma between "hallway" and "that". Really, this paragraph is pretty awkward and stilted.  

*Ahem* A dude named Aldeboros walked towards the room where Azeran was located. He was investigating the ruckus he was causing with the Slendermannequins. He opened the door.

 Who is the second "he" referring to? Aldeboros or Azeran? You need to make the distinction more clear. Also, the "ahem" is rather unnecessary. 

"WHATAREYOUDOING!?" He yelled with uncanny speed.

The "uncanny speed" does not fit well as a description. 

"Uh, well, I'm, like, eh, looking for a tape player, man." Said Azeran, slowly, as if to cancel out Aldeboros' rapid speech.

No need for full stop at end of speech. "Said" needs no capitalisation. Comma between "Azeran" and "slowly" is unnecessary.

 

 

Chapter Five

The Northlands were an uncanny, barren wasteland, which was populated by freakish creatures. The Glakk was one such example. In short, the creature was a short quadruped with a lion-like body, but it's mouth was all weird, with the mandibles and the dangly tentacle bits.

 

Are the Northlands a singular region? Because if not, it should be "was". Also, possessive "its", not "it's".
 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]KANDARRII USES SLASH![/color]

You have an extra 'r' there.
 
But then the Glakk uses it's suck ability. That's it's only mode of attack, is to firmly grab hold of a surface with it's mouth, and suck. Yes, really.

 

If it's a specific ability known as "suck", then you should capitalise it. Also, possessive "its" lacks an apostrophe. No need for the comma or the "is". Simply add a semi-colon.

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]

Azeran's day had gotten off to a brilliant start. He woke up in some cathedral-mansion-thing and had just been kicked out through a window. At least he had Creedence. But no tape player! Perhaps there was one in these pervasive woods, somewhere in this ominous fog?

"Kicked out of".

 

[/color]

Aldeboros reached for the nearest phone, which, unfortunately was a plastic toy cell phone. He reached for the second nearest phone, which was a banana, for some inexplicable reason. He went to the table to pick up the third nearest phone which, luckily, was a normal, functional phone, albeit one which had a spin-dial mechanism, whatever it's called.

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]"Which unfortunately," ; Comma unnecessary; semi-colon possible?[/color]

 

Anyway; to summarise. You have quite a number of spelling and grammar errors present in your story, although most of them have disappeared in the later chapters; also, the writing feels rather stilted - it doesn't seem to flow well, especially with all the stopping and starting that your full stops induce in the reader. There is also a lack of proper description; you need to work on making things more descriptive and the text flow better.

 

Rating is 4/10.

 

Humour:

 

The humour in this comedy is pretty hit-and-miss. Most of the references just seem to be hanging around for no real reason, and don't really add much to the overall humour of the comedy. Some of your attempts at jokes seem stale, such as the many, many repeats of "mysterious <<something>>". It got a bit old after the first three repetitions, and continuing on in such a way did not exactly help.

 

You're trying to put too much stock into randomness and generic jokes in order to create humour. There are other ways to do so. I suggest reading up some good comedic writers, such as iBrow, or my idol, Moczo (Thank god for the update of the policy, because I can finally link to this guy's profile). They're pretty good at inserting humour into any manner of situations, so using them as reference will help.

 

Rating is 4/10.

 

Plot:

 

We've been given signs of a plot, such as the mysterious circumstances of the old politician and whoever had stolen his identity and your titular character's search for a cassette player. However, we aren't given much build-up or further details of such plots. They feel incredibly simple and unimportant, which is probably because of the lack of detail and the length of your comedy.

 

I suggest that you try and build-up your plots better; let the audience feel interested in whatever troubles may be brewing. At your current length and lack of content, there isn't really much that will catch our attention. Length may not be everything, but proper tension and interest is.

 

I rate it 3/10.

 

Overall:

 

In conclusion, I am of the belief that your comedy has several areas in need of improvement. Your spelling and grammar should be fine as long as you try to make everything flow better, but your humour is hit-and-miss, so you should work on making that better. I like that you seem to have plot ideas, but make sure you can capture the minds of the readers with those ideas of yours - build them up, show the tension.

 

The entire story is a bit short though; I suggest making the chapters longer, even if you have to write it up in a snippet format.

 

Overall rating is 37%


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#22 Offline Dapper-San

Dapper-San
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Posted Jul 31 2013 - 12:09 PM

Okaaaaay, this is a tad disconcerting. I'll work on the grammar a bit first.


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