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The Adventures of Sandstorm: Review Topic

Epic Adventure Sandstorm Review Topic

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#1 Online The Phantom Terror

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Posted Mar 18 2013 - 05:52 PM

This is the review topic for my 3 part epic.

 

Link: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=9067


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#2 Offline Aiwendil

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Posted Mar 19 2013 - 01:39 PM

[font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"] Sandstorm found himself in a free fall, about to belly-flop into a rather large puddle. Specifically, the ocean. “Maybe I should’ve busted out through the door.” Sandstorm said, exasperated.[color=#daa520;]I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be talking. probably something more like yelling.[/color] He was about 15 feet from the water’s edge when he jerked to a stop. Not far away, a strange figure had activated his kanohi Miru. But this wasn’t just any old guy; it was the turaga that had given him the odd stone. Slowly, Sandstorm was pulled ashore and promptly dropped head first in the sand. [color=#daa520;]i'm a bit confused here. was he pulled there, like with Force powers, or was he carried?[/color] “What in the name of Mata Nui did you do that for!” He snapped. “Would you rather I drop you in the ocean?” The Turaga said. Defeated, Sandstorm slunk off to the shadows. “So, question one” Sandstorm said. “Why’d you save me?” “Because, if I had not, a Toa would have entered the world and left it within a day.” The Turaga replied. “Okay.” Sandstorm said slowly. “Question two: who are you?” “I am merely a Turaga. A servant of the Great Spirit Mata Nui.” The Turaga replied. “I already know that!” Sandstorm said. “Well, maybe not the servant part, but what’s your name?” “My name is not important, but I will give it fi it will answer your questions.” The Turaga said. “My name is Ornika. Once a Matoran, once a Toa, and now, a Turaga.”[color=#daa520;]didn't the turaga just say his name wasn't important?[/color] “Finally, question three” Sandstorm said. “Why’d you choose me to be a Toa? There are plenty of other Matoran out there in Metru Nui.” “Yes, there are many others, but they’re destiny is not yours.” Ornika said. “The duty that Mata Nui has entrusted me with to bestow upon you is great; to unify the Toa of Metru Nui to form the Toa Alpha.” “Honestly, I think you’ve got the wrong guy. I don’t live for that Unity, Duty, Destiny stuff that the other Matoran do. I ride life solo.” Sandstorm said. “Perhaps not now, but it will have a great impact on your life in the future.” Ornika said. “Now I know that you’ve got the wrong guy.” Sandstorm told Ornika as he walked away. “Perhaps you have the wrong guy Sandstorm.”[color=#daa520;] again, i'm confused. Sandstorm was saying that he wasn't fit, but now the turaga says this and i'm just left like "wha?"[/color] Ornika called. But Sandstorm didn’t listen, he was out to find a job, and see what this new Toa form could do.[/font]

comments in yellow.


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#3 Online The Phantom Terror

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Posted Mar 20 2013 - 06:53 AM

[font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"] Sandstorm found himself in a free fall, about to belly-flop into a rather large puddle. Specifically, the ocean. “Maybe I should’ve busted out through the door.” Sandstorm said, exasperated.[color=#daa520;]I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be talking. probably something more like yelling.[/color] He was about 15 feet from the water’s edge when he jerked to a stop. Not far away, a strange figure had activated his kanohi Miru. But this wasn’t just any old guy; it was the turaga that had given him the odd stone. Slowly, Sandstorm was pulled ashore and promptly dropped head first in the sand. [color=#daa520;]i'm a bit confused here. was he pulled there, like with Force powers, or was he carried?[/color] “What in the name of Mata Nui did you do that for!” He snapped. “Would you rather I drop you in the ocean?” The Turaga said. Defeated, Sandstorm slunk off to the shadows. “So, question one” Sandstorm said. “Why’d you save me?” “Because, if I had not, a Toa would have entered the world and left it within a day.” The Turaga replied. “Okay.” Sandstorm said slowly. “Question two: who are you?” “I am merely a Turaga. A servant of the Great Spirit Mata Nui.” The Turaga replied. “I already know that!” Sandstorm said. “Well, maybe not the servant part, but what’s your name?” “My name is not important, but I will give it fi it will answer your questions.” The Turaga said. “My name is Ornika. Once a Matoran, once a Toa, and now, a Turaga.”[color=#daa520;]didn't the turaga just say his name wasn't important?[/color] “Finally, question three” Sandstorm said. “Why’d you choose me to be a Toa? There are plenty of other Matoran out there in Metru Nui.” “Yes, there are many others, but they’re destiny is not yours.” Ornika said. “The duty that Mata Nui has entrusted me with to bestow upon you is great; to unify the Toa of Metru Nui to form the Toa Alpha.” “Honestly, I think you’ve got the wrong guy. I don’t live for that Unity, Duty, Destiny stuff that the other Matoran do. I ride life solo.” Sandstorm said. “Perhaps not now, but it will have a great impact on your life in the future.” Ornika said. “Now I know that you’ve got the wrong guy.” Sandstorm told Ornika as he walked away. “Perhaps you have the wrong guy Sandstorm.”[color=#daa520;] again, i'm confused. Sandstorm was saying that he wasn't fit, but now the turaga says this and i'm just left like "wha?"[/color] Ornika called. But Sandstorm didn’t listen, he was out to find a job, and see what this new Toa form could do.[/font]

Allow me to answer your questions.

 

1. Sandstorm is an arrogant, courageous, and ignorant character. He is basically Jayne Cobb, Han Solo, Chuck Norris, and Indiana Jones rolled into one. So, he's not really scared of falling 200 feet.

2. Yes, Sandstorm was pulled in by "the force" if you would like to call it that. More about Ornika will be revealed in a later chapter.

3. Yes, Ornika did say his name was unimportant. But, he also said that he will give it if it will answer Sandstorm's questions. As most toa have many.

4. Ornika was simply stating that Sandstorm is looking in the wrong places for answers


Edited by Phantom Terror, Mar 20 2013 - 07:51 AM.

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#4 Offline Aiwendil

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Posted Mar 20 2013 - 08:49 AM

in that case, you got Ornika's mask wrong. the Miru allows people to glide/float, while the Matatu allows control of the force, basically.


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#5 Online The Phantom Terror

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Posted Mar 20 2013 - 08:52 AM

I never said that he wasn't a special turaga. (One that has multiple abilities/traits but one mask.)


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#6 Offline Aiwendil

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Posted Mar 20 2013 - 09:34 AM

but that's like using a Hau for a Huna...


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#7 Online The Phantom Terror

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Posted Mar 20 2013 - 09:59 AM

Yes, but my story does not have to mesh with canonical storylines. It takes place in metru nui before the toa mangai. So there is an endless world of.possibilities


Edited by Phantom Terror, Mar 25 2013 - 10:48 AM.

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#8 Offline Aiwendil

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Posted Mar 20 2013 - 10:11 AM

another question: what is his elemental affiliation?


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#9 Online The Phantom Terror

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Posted Mar 20 2013 - 10:45 AM

Stone.
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#10 Offline Aiwendil

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Posted Mar 26 2013 - 09:58 AM

review for second chapter

 

 

[font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]Sandstorm walked into Po-Metru, well, more like taking every side-street, alley, and shortcut possible to get to his normal spot in the business alley. The criminals, money badgers, and anyone who would take any job called the dark, dank alley that. Most of the time, the vahki ignored them,[color=#daa520;]the vahki, if I recall correctly, weren't invented back then, if it was "before the toa hagah"[/color] especially after a failed attempt of capturing all of the criminals at once.[color=#daa520;]if they were invented, they would go after anyone that broke the law. that's like a police not trying again and again to catch a gang of criminals[/color] When Sandstorm sat down, a Le-Matoran named Tornado warned him: “You shouldn’t sit there, or Sandstorm will beat you up big time.” “I should know, I did it to you once.” Sandstorm replied. “No way, you’re to now?” Tornado exclaimed. “Yeah, now I can take more the intense jobs. No vahki is gonna get through this.” Sandstorm said as a Po-Matoran walked up and said: “I need a job done, and I don’t have the assets to accomplish it.” “What kind of job?” Sandstorm asked. “Nothing much, just infiltration of secure premises and theft of protodermis.” The Po-Matoran replied. “Piece of cake (comma here) Ahkmou.” Sandstorm said. “Perfect. I will pay 1,000 widgets in full when you deliver it to my box. The code is 8610.” Ahkmou said, and they both parted ways. Sandstorm was at the testing laboratory of Ko-Metru within half an hour, thanks to those trans-city transport chutes. Sure they were illegal to travel in, [color=#daa520;]uh..the transport chutes being illegal is literally making buses illegal[/color] but this job was worth 1,000 widgets! Who could pass that up? He scaled the tower quickly and got inside at the cost of a very intricate and expensive chandelier. He tried swinging from it, but he went more along the lines of gravity. He grabbed the protodermis samples, regenerated them with his Kanohi Kiril and got out of there. He was chased by several Keerahk guards, but smashed them to pieces. On his way into Po-Metru, he was confronted by some Dark Hunters, they called themselves Airwatcher and Mimic. He quickly got to the Po-Metru carving fields and placed the portodermis [color=#daa520;]I think you mean PROTOdermis[/color] into Ahkmou’s box, made sure it was well hidden, turned around, and ran. Sandstorm may be courageous, more arrogant than anything, and smart. But there is nothing that he fears more than a Dark Hunter, let alone two. Airwatcher came out of nowhere, he may be dumb, but he’s brutal. He promptly gave Sandstorm a pop on the head and gave chase. Mimic exposed himself right in front of Sandstorm and slowed him down enough to capture him. Sandstorm stopped struggling and reluctantly gave up. The Dark Hunters led him to a cave, released him of his cuffs and threw him into the cave. Sandstorm had had his energy drained and couldn’t do anything but talk. As the Dark Hunters pushed the stone into place, Sandstorn heard a familiar chuckle. “Ahkmou! You traitor! I thought we were friends.” Sandstorm said angrily. “A lot of people think a lot of things about me, but I’m not a traitor, just a businessman, out to make a profit.” Ahkmou said. “Do you know how much this job is worth? 20,000 widgets. That’s how much. And I’ll get even more when I return the “stolen” protodermis and turn you in.” “Wait, what about us?” “Yeah! We did all the hard work!” The Dark Hunters yelled. “Hard work? All you two did was catch a Toa and shove a rock. But, I see your point, I should pay you. How does five percent sound?” “For both of us?” They said in unison, excited. “No, five percent for you to share.” Ahkmou quickly left the scene, chuckling, as the Dark hunters started fighting over the 100 widgets. Helpless, Sandstorm sat there, anticipating a future in prison.[/font]

[font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]sorry if you feel like you're being attacked. it's just that following basic canon rules makes a good story.[/font]


Edited by Strackkorotus, Mar 26 2013 - 09:59 AM.

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#11 Online The Phantom Terror

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Posted Mar 27 2013 - 02:30 PM

review for second chapter

 

 

[font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]Sandstorm walked into Po-Metru, well, more like taking every side-street, alley, and shortcut possible to get to his normal spot in the business alley. The criminals, money badgers, and anyone who would take any job called the dark, dank alley that. Most of the time, the vahki ignored them,[color=#daa520;]the vahki, if I recall correctly, weren't invented back then, if it was "before the toa hagah"[/color] especially after a failed attempt of capturing all of the criminals at once.[color=#daa520;]if they were invented, they would go after anyone that broke the law. that's like a police not trying again and again to catch a gang of criminals[/color] When Sandstorm sat down, a Le-Matoran named Tornado warned him: “You shouldn’t sit there, or Sandstorm will beat you up big time.” “I should know, I did it to you once.” Sandstorm replied. “No way, you’re to now?” Tornado exclaimed. “Yeah, now I can take more the intense jobs. No vahki is gonna get through this.” Sandstorm said as a Po-Matoran walked up and said: “I need a job done, and I don’t have the assets to accomplish it.” “What kind of job?” Sandstorm asked. “Nothing much, just infiltration of secure premises and theft of protodermis.” The Po-Matoran replied. “Piece of cake (comma here) Ahkmou.” Sandstorm said. “Perfect. I will pay 1,000 widgets in full when you deliver it to my box. The code is 8610.” Ahkmou said, and they both parted ways. Sandstorm was at the testing laboratory of Ko-Metru within half an hour, thanks to those trans-city transport chutes. Sure they were illegal to travel in, [color=#daa520;]uh..the transport chutes being illegal is literally making buses illegal[/color] but this job was worth 1,000 widgets! Who could pass that up? He scaled the tower quickly and got inside at the cost of a very intricate and expensive chandelier. He tried swinging from it, but he went more along the lines of gravity. He grabbed the protodermis samples, regenerated them with his Kanohi Kiril and got out of there. He was chased by several Keerahk guards, but smashed them to pieces. On his way into Po-Metru, he was confronted by some Dark Hunters, they called themselves Airwatcher and Mimic. He quickly got to the Po-Metru carving fields and placed the portodermis [color=#daa520;]I think you mean PROTOdermis[/color] into Ahkmou’s box, made sure it was well hidden, turned around, and ran. Sandstorm may be courageous, more arrogant than anything, and smart. But there is nothing that he fears more than a Dark Hunter, let alone two. Airwatcher came out of nowhere, he may be dumb, but he’s brutal. He promptly gave Sandstorm a pop on the head and gave chase. Mimic exposed himself right in front of Sandstorm and slowed him down enough to capture him. Sandstorm stopped struggling and reluctantly gave up. The Dark Hunters led him to a cave, released him of his cuffs and threw him into the cave. Sandstorm had had his energy drained and couldn’t do anything but talk. As the Dark Hunters pushed the stone into place, Sandstorn heard a familiar chuckle. “Ahkmou! You traitor! I thought we were friends.” Sandstorm said angrily. “A lot of people think a lot of things about me, but I’m not a traitor, just a businessman, out to make a profit.” Ahkmou said. “Do you know how much this job is worth? 20,000 widgets. That’s how much. And I’ll get even more when I return the “stolen” protodermis and turn you in.” “Wait, what about us?” “Yeah! We did all the hard work!” The Dark Hunters yelled. “Hard work? All you two did was catch a Toa and shove a rock. But, I see your point, I should pay you. How does five percent sound?” “For both of us?” They said in unison, excited. “No, five percent for you to share.” Ahkmou quickly left the scene, chuckling, as the Dark hunters started fighting over the 100 widgets. Helpless, Sandstorm sat there, anticipating a future in prison.[/font]

Answers to your questions:

 

1. I'm sorry, I always get Hagah and Mangai confused. According to BS01, the Vahki were created before the Great Cataclysm; and my story takes place before Lihkan's team (Toa Mangai), which was formed shortly before the Great Cataclysm.

 

2. The Vahki of the sector had tried to capture all of them before, but were overwhelmed. So, in my story, the Turaga ordered them not to try that technique again. Instead, try to capture them individually. After all, "united we stand, divided we fall."

 

3. I should have clarified. The transport tubes were illegal for individual travel without a vessel. Such as a car or bus.

 

4. Yes, everyone has made at least oen typo in they're life. (If you get the joke, let me know). :)

 

DARKSIDERZ PM'd me what he thought:

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Your writing could use some more detail. I also like the way you introduced Sevla, though didn't feel too great about seeing him get humiliated by a few...ehm...um...rookies? But I'm assuming he was not too serious during that fight.[/color]

Yeah, seeing that they were rookies, he did go a little easy on them. And he wasn't humiliated, he was defeated with honor. It's a right of passage sort of thing.

 

So, does anyone know why I can't wright [removed] every time it comes out as "cool dude"?


Edited by Hahli Husky, Apr 20 2013 - 11:13 PM.

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#12 Offline Hahli Husky

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Posted Apr 20 2013 - 11:13 PM

So, does anyone know why I can't wright [removed] every time it comes out as "cool dude"?

It's the filter. It was intended to keep people from insulting each other with that word. Please don't bypass it, best to just pick another word. :)


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#13 Online The Phantom Terror

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Posted Apr 21 2013 - 03:59 PM

OK, thanks. I wouldn't insult anyone EVER on BZP. Everyone here is really cool and takes everyone else seriously.


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#14 Offline Tornado

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Posted Apr 25 2013 - 06:46 PM

the story is awesome! I cant wait for the next part.


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#15 Online The Phantom Terror

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Posted Apr 25 2013 - 06:52 PM

Tornado, please leave more Criticism. I don't know if anything is wrong.


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#16 Offline Kopekemaster

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Posted Apr 27 2013 - 07:17 AM

Here are my comments for the Intro (in bold):

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Sandstorm started out as a Matoran, like any other Toa. But unlike most, whose lives were filled with knowledge, exploration, and regular everyday stuff, (this should be a comma, not a period) his life was as a back-alley adventure (not adventurer) of danger. Always on the lookout for a job that would get him cold hard money. Be it clean or not. He was often hunted by the Vahki. (Capital) He was caught once. But, because of luck, he got away. He took a job one day for an old coot who lived on the outskirts of Po-Metru. He handed him an orange stone with a soft glow, and told him to take it to the Toa Suva for a friend to pick up. When he got there, Vahki were everywhere. He had to employ stealth to get inside. But it didn't work out so well. As much as he hated going underground, he had to. He almost got his head bitten off by a Tarakava in the process. Once he was inside, he dropped the stone where he was told to, and when he was about to leave, Vahki swarmed in. Sandstorm had no choice but to see what that mysterious stone could do. He quickly threw it into the Toa Suva and ducked for cover, thinking that it would explode. But, nothing had happened. Yet. He was caught by the Vahki and got thrown into jail for breaking and entering, and (along with) countless other crimes that he (had or hadn't?) committed. One day, when he was cursing Mata Nui for putting him in a place like this, a bolt of lightning streaked though the only window on the wall. Sandstorm tried to dodge, but the lightning followed him wherever he went. He finally gave up and allowed himself to be hit by the lightning and felt himself growing larger and stronger. Once the changes had finished, he looked down at his new Toa form, thanked Mata Nui, and burst through a newly made hole in the wall.[/color]

 

Story looks great so far! I will try to keep doing more chapters.


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#17 Online The Phantom Terror

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Posted May 02 2013 - 03:57 PM

Thanks Kopeke, I got most of this correction from the ECC via email, and I have yet to fix it. BTW, a new chapter is up for part 2!


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