Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

The Darkness

A Canister Ashore

  • Please log in to reply
8 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Gengar

Gengar
  • Members
  • Emerging Flying Force

  • 16-February 13
  • 2,205 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 21 2013 - 05:51 PM

My  entry for the FFFC #5. Made it better(IMO) than my last one, and shorter.

 

The Darkness

 

Darkness...

 

The being shifted around in his seemingly endless sleep. He saw, heard, and felt nothing but darkness, and shadows.

 

Shadows...

 

He could not wake up. No matter how hard he tried. He knew nothing of who he is, where he is, or what he is supposed to be.

 

Whispers...

 

He had these dreams as well. Dreams of what he thought. Darkness, shadows, and enemies. The last one was the one that frightened him the most. The enemies whispered to him, about their many triumphs and victories. Of their power and dominance. Of shadows.

 

Triumph...

 

He wished he triumphed as well. But to himself, he was weak, helpless, useless, and powerless. As if he would never triumph, and defeat the enemy. The enemy. He was lurking in the darkness. Everywhere the darkness could reach.

 

Makuta...

 

A new word. He never heard it before. Could it be a sign of help? Or a sign of darkness?

 

I am Makuta...

 

The enemy was talking now. Somehow, wherever he was, he heard the enemy. Or he thought he did. It could of been more thoughts, thoughts of complete darkness. Like hallucinations, almost. 

 

Evil...

 

More thoughts. How can he be rid of these? He knew that the answers could not be found in his dark slumber. He would have to wake up soon, but he showed no sign of physical consciousness, no sign of waking.

 

The darkness will devour all...

 

All? Even him? He is already dead in shadows, in darkness and eternal sleep. Already devoured, already dead. Wait. He was not dead, but he thought he was pretty much lifeless, in this small, dark world of his and the enemy's. No, just him, all alone. The enemy was just reaching out to him, from his evil, dark world. He thought all was lost, including himself. Lost in the void of darkness and shadows, lost in the world.

 

Light will triumph...

 

This is new. This is not the enemy. The enemy is full of darkness, shadows, and evil, with no space for light. Could it be? His thoughts turning lighter, rid of evil? Who will bring the light?

 

Light will not fail, and the darkness will be banished...

 

He guessed it now. He will be the one to banished the darkness, and bring light and peace to the world. He still had a problem. He was still locked in his never ending sleep of darkness, soon to be light. And if he was a bringer of the light, he could not understand why the world was still dark, with him in it. He tried opening his eyes, but it was still dark after seeming to open them. Or he never opened them at all. He was going to give up hope,if not for the thought of hope, and light. He will wake up! Suddenly he felt a bump. And his thoughts faded away...

 

A large, cylinder object washed up on a seemingly peaceful shore, located on an island. The cylinder hissed, and a hidden seam running along the side revealed, and it opened. Large unknown objects spilled out of it and scattered. Then, unexpectedly, they seemed to assemble themselves to each other, and a shape was slowly formed. It was tall, black. and grey. Then the eyes opened. They were a strong green color.

 

His thoughts filled up again, and he slowly stood up. He picked up something laying on the ground. A mask, and he put it on his face.

 

Onua...

 

That was it. His name. He is whole again, and ready to fight the darkness of Makuta.

 

----------------------------

 

-569 words. My own little tribute to the Toa Mata.


  • 0

#2 Offline AdaptingChaos

AdaptingChaos
  • Members
  • Battling Makuta!

  • 16-February 13
  • 523 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 21 2013 - 06:16 PM

I enjoyed the reading :D

Great work Takua!!

Edit: Quick question, why did you decide to focus mainly on Onua? Just wondering(:


Edited by AdaptingChaos, Mar 21 2013 - 06:16 PM.

  • 0

#3 Offline Gengar

Gengar
  • Members
  • Emerging Flying Force

  • 16-February 13
  • 2,205 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 21 2013 - 06:42 PM

I enjoyed the reading :D

Great work Takua!!

Edit: Quick question, why did you decide to focus mainly on Onua? Just wondering(:

Thanks. And because TLG gave too less attention to Onua  :D . Actually, I was planning to do one of the Piraka but then just randomly thought of Onua.


  • 0

#4 Offline AdaptingChaos

AdaptingChaos
  • Members
  • Battling Makuta!

  • 16-February 13
  • 523 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 22 2013 - 06:37 PM

I enjoyed the reading :D

Great work Takua!!

Edit: Quick question, why did you decide to focus mainly on Onua? Just wondering(:

Thanks. And because TLG gave too less attention to Onua  :D . Actually, I was planning to do one of the Piraka but then just randomly thought of Onua.

Welcome! :)

Yeah Onua didnt get much attention IMO, but he was a really unique character. Also if your going to make a new one focusing on the Piraka, post it. I would like to see it :D


  • 0

#5 Offline Gengar

Gengar
  • Members
  • Emerging Flying Force

  • 16-February 13
  • 2,205 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 23 2013 - 09:20 PM

Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'll do what I can in three more days.
  • 0

#6 Online Click

Click
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • Emerging Defender of Mata Nui

  • 25-May 09
  • 2,082 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 28 2013 - 01:37 AM

Here we go, as promised. Thanks for the review by the way.I found it quite interesting as I opened this how interested everyone's getting in those first few pages of the first comic, with Kopaka coming out of his canister and the whole "Dark Dreams" monologue. This is the third recent story about that I've seen, and I've been working on a drawing inspired by that scene. Ah, nostalgia, and the epicness of '01.Now for the story. The style is really interesting, and I like it, having used it myself many times, including in one of my entries for this same contest. It's cool to hear Onua's thoughts as he goes through the "dark dreams" and the transition from Makuta to Mata Nui (or whoever was giving the good thoughts at the end), especially the sort of psychological discussion he has with himself about his situation. You have a lot of cool thoughts and lines in here that I really liked.A few things I noticed that could be fixed (after the contest of course):

...felt nothing but darkness[color=rgb(255,0,0);], [/color]and shadows.

I don't think you need a comma here. 

He could not wake up[color=rgb(255,0,0);]. No [/color]matter how hard he[color=rgb(0,128,128);] tried[/color]. He[color=rgb(0,128,128);] knew [/color]nothing of who he [color=rgb(255,0,0);]is[/color], where he[color=rgb(255,0,0);] is[/color], or what he [color=rgb(255,0,0);]is[/color] supposed to be.

The first two sentences could be combined into one to help it flow a little better.The blue also highlights where you used past tense, and then you suddenly switched to present tense. It should read "He knew nothing of who he was, where he was, or what he was supposed to be." Or something like that.  

He had these dreams as well. [color=rgb(0,128,128);]Dreams of what he thought.[/color] Darkness, shadows, and enemies. The last one [color=rgb(0,255,0);]was the one [/color]that frightened him the most. The enemies whispered to him[color=rgb(255,0,0);],[/color] about their many triumphs and victories. Of their power and dominance. Of shadows.

The blue highlights a sentence I'm not sure about. The phrasing is just kind of wierd, and could be reworked.The green could be reworded "It was the last one that...," just so it isn't as redundant.Probably don't need a comma in "...to him, about their..." This paragraph is so awesome, and it kind of disrupts the flow and is unneccessary anyways. 

As if he would never triumph, and defeat the enemy.

Kind of an implied redundancy. We kind of knew his triumph would be defeating the enemy, but if you wanted to be sure, maybe say something like "As if he could never defeat the enemy to have his own triumph." Yeah, I'm having trouble fixing it too. :D

Could it be a sign of help? Or a sign of darkness?

I am Makuta...

 

The enemy was talking now. Somehow, wherever he was, he heard the enemy.

Suddenly, he goes from having no idea what a Makuta is to knowing that it is the enemy that has been whispering to him. Maybe clarify a little better, like describe a dark feeling that comes from the name, or the tone, just something to let us know that Onua feels that Makuta means evil. 

...but he showed no sign of physical consciousness, no sign of waking.

Again, redundant. 

...in this small, dark world of his and the enemy's.

I feel like this could flow better. Maybe just "in this small, dark world of him and the enemy." 

His thoughts [color=rgb(255,0,0);]turning[/color] lighter, [color=rgb(255,0,0);]rid[/color] of evil?

This sentence has a verb disagreement. You go from future tense to more of an adjective suddenly, and it sounds wierd. Maybe "His thoughts turning lighter, the voice ridding them of evil?" 

The cylinder hissed, [color=rgb(255,0,0);]and[/color] a hidden seam running along the side revealed, [color=rgb(255,0,0);]and[/color] it opened.

Could probably delete the first "and."

 

A mask, and he put it on his face.

Perhaps "It was a mask which he put on his face." The "and" would work better if it were more like "He picked up a mask laying on the ground, [color=rgb(255,0,0);]and[/color] put it on his face." Sort of just continuing the action. This way just sounds wierd.

 

That [color=rgb(255,0,0);]was[/color] it. His name. He[color=rgb(255,0,0);] is [/color]whole again, and ready to fight the darkness of Makuta.

 Another verb disagreement.

 

So, I apologize if this review seems really rough. I just like to be thorough. :) I really liked the story and the discussions Onua has with himself, and I liked the choice of character, but it could be executed a little better. Maybe just throw in some of that sage-like wisdom Onua has more often, as it would fit wonderfully with the story. Some sentences just don't reflect that as well as they could, so just keep in mind who your character is.

 

Again, great job, good luck in the contest, and thank you for the review!


  • 0

~click.gif

tohu_head_by_0nuku-d88efx4.jpg

Thanks for voting Tohu 2015, winner of GAC #21, A Picture is Worth a Thousand Likes!

 

Rahkshi Corpus Profiles BZPRPG (inactive)The Scarabax Library | Flickr | Deviantart

 

Latest Blog Entry: Art to MOC Contest!


#7 Offline Gengar

Gengar
  • Members
  • Emerging Flying Force

  • 16-February 13
  • 2,205 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 28 2013 - 02:58 PM

Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it. Note: I suck at grammer, you don't have to tell me that :P. Some of it was sort of rushed, to be honest, and good luck to you too.

Edited by Takua Dragonstar7, Mar 28 2013 - 03:00 PM.

  • 0

#8 Offline Toatapio Nuva

Toatapio Nuva
  • Members
  • Rahkshi Unleashed

  • 10-December 04
  • 6,060 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 31 2013 - 11:32 AM

I just had such a rush of nostalgia while reading this. And it's actually nice to see something about the dark dreams of the Toa Mata, they weren't really portrayed in the story. Just hastily mentioned. So this would make a great addition to the additional canon. Good job! :)


  • 0

#9 Offline Gengar

Gengar
  • Members
  • Emerging Flying Force

  • 16-February 13
  • 2,205 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 02 2013 - 06:44 PM

Why didn't I notice this? Thanks, though. It was meant to be nostalgic .


Edited by Takua Dragonstar7, Apr 02 2013 - 06:44 PM.

  • 0




0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users