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Different Ignition: Review Topic


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#1 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Mar 22 2013 - 10:41 AM

Please post reviews, feedback and criticism ábout this story about the different Toa Inika here.


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#2 Offline Gengar

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Posted Mar 22 2013 - 02:15 PM

So many alternate stories here. It's really interestingly to see how it is since Takanuva didn't save Jaller, and now Macku was the one to talk to Takanuva about Mata Nui dying. Great work so far.
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#3 Offline Aiwendil

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Posted Mar 22 2013 - 02:30 PM

I've only found two grammar errors in this story.

[font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]Not that no one had taken action to save the universe.[color=#40e0d0;]double negatives can't be in the same sentence[/color] The elders of Metru Nui, the Turaga, had dispatched the Toa Nuva, six great heroes, to an island  called Voya Nui. A Mask of Life was said to excist [color=#40e0d0;]exist*[/color] on this island and it would be the only hope for the Great Spirit. Being a Toa protector himself, Takanuva would have wanted to join his comrades on this journey. The Turaga, however, had insisted that he stay behind to protect the city from other threats in case the Toa Nuva succeeded[/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;].[/color]

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]other then that, it's pretty good. definitely worth continuing.[/color]


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#4 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Mar 22 2013 - 04:10 PM

Thanks for the feedback! Chapter 2 is up. I thought about using the hand-grasp thing that was with Matoro, but the idea didn't quite fit with these characters... and I want to keep a surprise who I will select as the destined user of the Ignika.


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#5 Offline Baltarc

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Posted Mar 28 2013 - 08:13 AM

[color=rgb(64,224,208);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]double negatives can't be in the same sentence[/color]

I felt I should point out that yes, they can. "Not that no one had taken action" is perfectly acceptable.

 

Edit - However, keep in mind that commas and other punctuation belong inside the quotation marks. e.g. "These are not ordinary circumstances," Takanuva replied.


Edited by Baltarc, Mar 28 2013 - 08:16 AM.

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#6 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Mar 28 2013 - 02:14 PM

Yeah, the reason for why I use quotations differently is because that's the Finnish way of doing it, and the one I am used to. As it's not much of a deal, I'd rather keep doing it that way, since it would require too much concentration for me to put the marks another way around. I hope it is not too distracting. :)

 

Next chapter up!


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#7 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Mar 30 2013 - 10:35 AM

Thanks for the compliment, bohrokmaster. :) I find this story fun to write, since it gives an opportunity to dwell deeper into the characters of the Chronicler's Company and an alternate story.

 

New chapter up! The Company arrives in Karzahni!


Edited by Toatapio Nuva, Mar 30 2013 - 10:36 AM.

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#8 Offline Gengar

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Posted Mar 30 2013 - 10:55 PM

I like how you mideled the story almost identical to the Ignition books. I found a mistake though. When Karz gave the Chronicler's Company their masks, you said they were organic. In the canon storyline, they weren't organic until the Inika got zapped by lightning. Just so you know, no worries.
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#9 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Mar 31 2013 - 03:42 AM

Yeah, I knew someone would bring that up. :P I took some artistic liberties here. Since I think Karzahni is one of the strangest places in the universe, it made sense to me that the masks there would be organic as well, so I simply made the Kanohi be organiz from the start.

 

New chapter added! I changed the story of Dark Destiny a little here, near the end. I hope you enjoy it!


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#10 Offline Gengar

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Posted Mar 31 2013 - 10:43 AM

I see. The new chapter is quite an interesting diversion for canon, how the Matoran sacrificed his life to save Macku. Another thing: Karzahni's mask is the Olisi, not the Olmak.
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#11 Online bohrokmaster

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Posted Apr 01 2013 - 09:59 AM

Will there be another chapter for Different Ignition?


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#BIONICLEISBACK   #BIONICLE2015

 

 


#12 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Apr 01 2013 - 02:38 PM

Olmak changed to Olisi. That mistake was caused by a distracted brain. :/

 

And the new chapter is up! The Toa Inika discover some of their mask powers, pretty similarly as in Power Play. From now on the story will diverge more and more from the canon books, however.


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#13 Online bohrokmaster

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Posted Apr 09 2013 - 10:58 AM

Is there another chapter for Different Ignition?


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#14 Offline The Phantom Terror

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Posted Apr 09 2013 - 11:09 AM

Interesting twist from what I've read so far. Although, does this mean that Kopeke will die, save the universe, and inspire Toa Ignika?


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#15 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Apr 10 2013 - 10:22 AM

Well, I haven't yet decided if Kopeke or someone else will be the destined carrier of the Ignika. Time will tell...

 

New chapter up! It's a very long one this time, with the first actual battle! Hope you like it. :)


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#16 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Apr 11 2013 - 05:56 AM

Haha, thanks. New chapter up! I'm on a roll, apparently, since this chapter is extremely long as well. This chapter is very different from the original canon and features some Voya Nui Online game things as well. Enjoy!


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#17 Offline Chronicler06

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Posted Apr 12 2013 - 06:40 PM

I'm really liking this so far. I liked the first battle with the Piraka, especially the Taipu vs Reidak part.

 

As for who I think will be the one to use the Ignika, I'm thinking it'll be the one who is the least likely to see himself as a hero, like Matoro did. By that reasoning, I honestly don't know who it will be. (Though I can definitely say it will not be Hafu. :lol: )


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#18 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Apr 13 2013 - 03:14 AM

There are many candidates to be the wearer of the Ignika. I think all of them have qualities for it. Kopeke would be kind of obvious as the ice Toa, so I'm hesitant about using him... but he is certainly a very logical candidate. I'm still leaving it open, though. You will start seeing hints about the chosen user closer to the completion of the epic.

 

And I personally like Taipu as a Toa. He's one of my favourite Bionicle characters and will try to do my best to make his appearance in this epic story-accurate. :)

 

And by the way, another chapter is up again! It involves a long battle. I just caught up so while writing it, I hope you can also experience this sort of feeling when reading it. :)


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#19 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Apr 24 2013 - 01:22 AM

A short chapter was added. Next ones will be longer, don't worry.


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#20 Offline The Phantom Terror

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Posted Apr 24 2013 - 06:47 AM

This is very interesting. You could probably be a writer for Lego.
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#21 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Apr 24 2013 - 01:28 PM

Haha, thanks for the nice words. If I were writing this story for Lego though, I'd be writing it in a completely different style. Now I'm writing it with the Bzpower community in mind.

 

Next chapter is up sooner than I expected! I just love messing around with Kapura's speed-tricks...


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#22 Offline boston100

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Posted Apr 27 2013 - 12:57 PM

LOVE IT!

i really like how u took the actuall story line but didnt just substatute names.

Keep it up!


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#23 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted May 03 2013 - 03:12 AM

I'm very busy with university studies, but I made a little time for myself to write a short chapter. I will get more next week to write longer ones. Enjoy!


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#24 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 01 2013 - 02:24 PM

Alright, I'm all for a variation on an old idea. And you started off with a good one - how would this all be different if the Chronicler's Company were Inika instead of Jaller's Team? The answer seems to be "Not very different at all." Whatever differences you've inserted seem to be relatively minor and don't really affect much. There are two exceptions to this rule, both of which were very good. The first was the Karzahni Matoran's sacrifice for Macku. Unfortunately, this one sort of felt forced, and random, and I didn't get a sense that his death mattered. The second thing was the Turaga's accusations of Takanuva, which I felt did matter. That section felt the most original of the whole story. That section had an impact and really made a difference in this story. Unfortunately, you've failed to convey that with the rest of this piece. For the most part, this story seems to retread old ground, with the character's dialogue the only difference, and some minor differences in the battle sequences which consequences are negated in the end. It seems to me that you are very attached to how this story turns out and want to prove that the Chronicler's Company could have done it as well or better than Jaller's group. But this makes this story feel very forced, closing you off from possibilities and directions that you could have taken but didn't. For example:

Quote[color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]The Toa Inika and the Voya Nui resistance team made some careful planning in the hideout. There were several problems to be addressed.[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]1. The Matoran of Voya Nui who were enslaved would have to be freed. However, no one knew how this could be done.[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]2. The Piraka would have to be confronted and banished from the island.[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]3. Brutaka should be separated from the Piraka's alliance and defeated.[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]4. The Toa Nuva were to be found from the Piraka Stronghold, even if they were already dead.[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]5. The Mask of Life would have to be found before the Piraka did.[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]6. The mask should be used to heal Mata Nui.[/color][/font]

[color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]I like it when stories do this. :) Realistic logic and all of that. But I think this would have been better if we got to see which character made the list and get to see them talk about it (I can just imagine this as a group presentation where one of the pragmatic ones says this. Otherwise is feels like an info-dump by the author for the reader's sake. Making it a presentation by one of the characters would make it a little extra special, IMO.)[/color][/font]

Edited by fishers64, Jun 01 2013 - 06:50 PM.

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#25 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Jun 02 2013 - 02:50 AM

Thank you so much for making the time to give feedback. :)

 

Alright, I'm all for a variation on an old idea. And you started off with a good one - how would this all be different if the Chronicler's Company were Inika instead of Jaller's Team? The answer seems to be "Not very different at all." Whatever differences you've inserted seem to be relatively minor and don't really affect much.

I never intended to completely revamp the story. The main focus is on the personalities of the different Toa Inika and how they react to their new roles. That is what differentiates very much from Jaller's group. I also wish to expand the story, rather than change it. Power Play always seemed way too rushed to me. In canon story, the Toa Inika didn't do much and existed for only 1 day before turning into Mahri. As the story progresses, you will see many things changed that I disliked about the original story. For now, I've added more sidequests and challenges for the Toa to give each of them more screentime. Luckily I'm not limited with any amount of pages as Greg was.

 

There are two exceptions to this rule, both of which were very good. The first was the Karzahni Matoran's sacrifice for Macku. Unfortunately, this one sort of felt forced, and random, and I didn't get a sense that his death mattered. The second thing was the Turaga's accusations of Takanuva, which I felt did matter. That section felt the most original of the whole story. That section had an impact and really made a difference in this story.

 

The death of the Karzahni Matoran did come as a surprising idea to me as well. I just sort of came up with that on the spot. I feel it was very important, though. If he hadn't done that, Macku would have died. And she is a major part of the team.

 

As for the Takanuva and Dume thing, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

 

Unfortunately, you've failed to convey that with the rest of this piece. For the most part, this story seems to retread old ground, with the character's dialogue the only difference, and some minor differences in the battle sequences which consequences are negated in the end. It seems to me that you are very attached to how this story turns out and want to prove that the Chronicler's Company could have done it as well or better than Jaller's group. But this makes this story feel very forced, closing you off from possibilities and directions that you could have taken but didn't.

 

Well, as I said, I am not redesigning the outcome of the story. The Toa will find the Mask of Life and they will use it to save Mata Nui. I haven't decided who will make the sacrifice, though.

 

I concentrate on changing the path, not the destination. I'm writing this in a way that would fit the actual canon storyline, if this had been canon instead of Greg's version. So I'm taking those things into account. So no, I will not make everyone die due to a cruel twist of fate or anything like that. Consider this an alternate take on Power Play and the other books when I get that far.

 

What kind of changes would you like to see? I'd be happy to try and incorporate them into the story. :)

 

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it! Also, new chapter is up! 


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#26 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 06 2013 - 10:03 AM

Thank you so much for making the time to give feedback. :)

 

Alright, I'm all for a variation on an old idea. And you started off with a good one - how would this all be different if the Chronicler's Company were Inika instead of Jaller's Team? The answer seems to be "Not very different at all." Whatever differences you've inserted seem to be relatively minor and don't really affect much.

I never intended to completely revamp the story. The main focus is on the personalities of the different Toa Inika and how they react to their new roles. That is what differentiates very much from Jaller's group. I also wish to expand the story, rather than change it. Power Play always seemed way too rushed to me. In canon story, the Toa Inika didn't do much and existed for only 1 day before turning into Mahri. As the story progresses, you will see many things changed that I disliked about the original story. For now, I've added more sidequests and challenges for the Toa to give each of them more screentime. Luckily I'm not limited with any amount of pages as Greg was.

This is very obvious, however, when you read this story. It is very straight, will zero chance for the new protagonists to really affect the story. And there's zero reason for those "side quests" to exist except that you want them there. You even force the beginning of that quest-sequence, which I quoted earlier, and it's not immediately clear why that change would result from the protagonist change.  If I think about it, it makes sense that these Toa would want to help the Matoran first, but you've openly stated that the purpose of these side quests is because you want them there, not because the story requires them to make sense. (I could build a very strong case to undermine the Zamor crystal subplot, but I don't think I need to.)

 

Normally subplots like that drag things down and lose reader interest, so usually they need a better reason to exist than "I want them there." I don't know if this is a general problem with your writing or just this project, so I thought I would point it out.

   

Unfortunately, you've failed to convey that with the rest of this piece. For the most part, this story seems to retread old ground, with the character's dialogue the only difference, and some minor differences in the battle sequences which consequences are negated in the end. It seems to me that you are very attached to how this story turns out and want to prove that the Chronicler's Company could have done it as well or better than Jaller's group. But this makes this story feel very forced, closing you off from possibilities and directions that you could have taken but didn't.

 

Well, as I said, I am not redesigning the outcome of the story. The Toa will find the Mask of Life and they will use it to save Mata Nui. I haven't decided who will make the sacrifice, though.

 

I concentrate on changing the path, not the destination. I'm writing this in a way that would fit the actual canon storyline, if this had been canon instead of Greg's version. So I'm taking those things into account. So no, I will not make everyone die due to a cruel twist of fate or anything like that. Consider this an alternate take on Power Play and the other books when I get that far.

 

What kind of changes would you like to see? I'd be happy to try and incorporate them into the story. :)

 

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it! Also, new chapter is up!

I don't know - maybe this is just me, but you don't have to follow the canon events exactly when telling this story. And whatever you do, you shouldn't tell us that the ending is the essentially the same as the canon version. That keeps the suspense going. 

 

I also think, and this is very much my opinion, that you as the writer should be open to the possibility that the fact that the Chronicler's Company is Toa Inika might actually affect the outcome of the story (whether or not the Mask is used to revive Mata Nui). That would make this more interesting to read. It is very evident that you are not open to that possibility, and that every change here is forced by the author just to make it different. Instead of making a big change and having everything originate from there, you're forcing changes into the story, and not allowing changes the characters would logically make to actually take place. (!!!) And this is very much just me, but I find that annoying, and it makes the story boring and hard to read (in general - there's the couple places I mentioned earlier where this isn't the case). 

 

Why should I continue to read this? The only reason you've given me is that I don't know who is making the sacrifice, and all I have to do for that is wait for the end of this to come out and skim through the remaining chapters for a name (I am very tempted to do this right now :(). Heck, I don't even have to do that - just wait for the stuff that parallels Inferno, bang, done. :(

 

Okay, I'm just going to stop there.


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#27 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Jun 07 2013 - 07:16 AM

This is very obvious, however, when you read this story. It is very straight, will zero chance for the new protagonists to really affect the story. And there's zero reason for those "side quests" to exist except that you want them there. You even force the beginning of that quest-sequence, which I quoted earlier, and it's not immediately clear why that change would result from the protagonist change.  If I think about it, it makes sense that these Toa would want to help the Matoran first, but you've openly stated that the purpose of these side quests is because you want them there, not because the story requires them to make sense. (I could build a very strong case to undermine the Zamor crystal subplot, but I don't think I need to.)

 

Normally subplots like that drag things down and lose reader interest, so usually they need a better reason to exist than "I want them there." I don't know if this is a general problem with your writing or just this project, so I thought I would point it out.

 

I don't really understand why you feel the additional quests don't affect anything. Greg's version had a lot of deus ex machinas to magically make certain situations possible - I am trying to explain some of them. Besides, I started deviating from the story in a certain point - when Jaller wanted to find put where the Nuva had gone. That means that the setting is the same. The Piraka are on Voya Nui, the Matoran are enslaved, Brutaka has turned bad etc. I wanted to get through the Karzahni section as fast as possible to be able to focus on the transformation of the new Inika.

 

I think it's far too early to judge any changes the Inika will have made to the story, because we are not that far yet. I have other deviations planned as well, but wouldn't dream of spoiling them now. :)

 

I don't know - maybe this is just me, but you don't have to follow the canon events exactly when telling this story. And whatever you do, you shouldn't tell us that the ending is the essentially the same as the canon version. That keeps the suspense going. 

 

I wasn't aware I was following canon events after Karzahni? Did you see Kapura and Hafu in the Piraka stronghold in Greg's story? One thing I intend to keep the same allt he way, though, is the personalities and traits of characters. Zaktan will be what he canonically is, and so on. But it doesn't restrict the story in my opinion.

 

I also think, and this is very much my opinion, that you as the writer should be open to the possibility that the fact that the Chronicler's Company is Toa Inika might actually affect the outcome of the story (whether or not the Mask is used to revive Mata Nui). That would make this more interesting to read. It is very evident that you are not open to that possibility, and that every change here is forced by the author just to make it different. Instead of making a big change and having everything originate from there, you're forcing changes into the story, and not allowing changes the characters would logically make to actually take place. (!!!) And this is very much just me, but I find that annoying, and it makes the story boring and hard to read (in general - there's the couple places I mentioned earlier where this isn't the case). 

 

This ticks me off a little. Who said the outcome will not differ at all? Just because I said the Ignika will be used?

 

At this point I'd like to remind you of the 2004-2005 story arc. From the start we knew the Toa Metru would eventually become Turaga and move to Mata Nui, since we had already seen them there. Yet, the story was still full of surprises, ingenius twists and it kept fans interested in the Bionicle storyline and toys.

 

So even with the Ignika at the end, you have no idea how many Inika may die during the journey, how many may turn evil, how many betrayals or challenges there will be etc. Heck, they may even kill the Piraka if it comes to that, or cause a revolution in Mahri Nui. This story is still very young, and the further we progress, the greater the differences to the original storyline will be.

 

Why should I continue to read this? The only reason you've given me is that I don't know who is making the sacrifice, and all I have to do for that is wait for the end of this to come out and skim through the remaining chapters for a name (I am very tempted to do this right now :(). Heck, I don't even have to do that - just wait for the stuff that parallels Inferno, bang, done. :(

 

No one is forcing you to read this. However, it would be nice if you do. If you are only after the solution, the one name of the person who will use the Ignika, I think you are quite a different reader than I am. This epic is not an answer to the question: "Who would use the Ignika if the Chronicler's Company?". Instead, it tells how the new Inika react to their change, how they would use their powers against the Piraka, what decisions would they make differently - in general, what would their path as Toa be different from that of Jaller's team and how would they be able to achieve their destiny?

 

Again, I want to point out the thing about the Metru Nui story. This is pretty much that. There will definately be surprises and I think already the story is taking a direction towards something different than what the original was.

 

All this aside though, I still respect feedback. And knowing this opinion, I will surely do my best to meet your interests as well and transform the path of the story accordingly. I take the review very seriously, so hopefully I'll be able to improve on that. :)

 

EDIT: Another chapter added! This is a long one, so enjoy.


Edited by Toatapio Nuva, Jun 07 2013 - 08:30 AM.

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#28 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 07 2013 - 08:00 PM

And I must say, a turn for the better! :) I liked the new chapter, especially with the actual use of the Elda as a story point. The Brutaka battle also was a nice improvement. (Yayz! More character development!) Anyway...

 

This is very obvious, however, when you read this story. It is very straight, will zero chance for the new protagonists to really affect the story. And there's zero reason for those "side quests" to exist except that you want them there. You even force the beginning of that quest-sequence, which I quoted earlier, and it's not immediately clear why that change would result from the protagonist change.  If I think about it, it makes sense that these Toa would want to help the Matoran first, but you've openly stated that the purpose of these side quests is because you want them there, not because the story requires them to make sense. (I could build a very strong case to undermine the Zamor crystal subplot, but I don't think I need to.)

 

Normally subplots like that drag things down and lose reader interest, so usually they need a better reason to exist than "I want them there." I don't know if this is a general problem with your writing or just this project, so I thought I would point it out.

 

I don't really understand why you feel the additional quests don't affect anything. Greg's version had a lot of deus ex machinas to magically make certain situations possible - I am trying to explain some of them. Besides, I started deviating from the story in a certain point - when Jaller wanted to find put where the Nuva had gone. That means that the setting is the same. The Piraka are on Voya Nui, the Matoran are enslaved, Brutaka has turned bad etc. I wanted to get through the Karzahni section as fast as possible to be able to focus on the transformation of the new Inika.

 

I think it's far too early to judge any changes the Inika will have made to the story, because we are not that far yet. I have other deviations planned as well, but wouldn't dream of spoiling them now. :)

Indeed. What I felt like was that there wasn't many changes early on, save for the dialogue  (and the Takanuva/Dume scene :)) and the changes that followed weren't connected enough (in my mind) to the fact that the characters were different.

 

This gave me the impression that you were forcing the story to strictly follow canon events. As I can clearly see now, this isn't the case. (Hence below self-quote:)

I don't know - maybe this is just me, but you don't have to follow the canon events exactly when telling this story. And whatever you do, you shouldn't tell us that the ending is the essentially the same as the canon version. That keeps the suspense going. 

 

I wasn't aware I was following canon events after Karzahni? Did you see Kapura and Hafu in the Piraka stronghold in Greg's story? One thing I intend to keep the same allt he way, though, is the personalities and traits of characters. Zaktan will be what he canonically is, and so on. But it doesn't restrict the story in my opinion.

Okay. Realism's good. 

 

 

Er, yeah, most of the rest of that post was a result of that false impression. Sorry that you got ticked off - not good. I was probably mildly ticked off myself, so sorry about that. I'm glad you took the time to clear up the impression anyway, though. 


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#29 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Jun 08 2013 - 03:23 PM

I went through the earlier chapters of the epic, and I have to admit that your impression is totally justified... it does follow the original story a tad too closely. I'll be sure to avoid that in the future. Thanks for pointing it out.

 

I'm also happy to hear that you found the new chapter enjoyable. :)

 

Aaaaaaand, once again I added a new chapter. Woah, I'm on a roll... it's the longest one yet! Enjoy Chapter 16, titled Traitors.


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#30 Online bohrokmaster

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Posted Jun 09 2013 - 01:44 PM

I went through the earlier chapters of the epic, and I have to admit that your impression is totally justified... it does follow the original story a tad too closely. I'll be sure to avoid that in the future. Thanks for pointing it out.

 

I'm also happy to hear that you found the new chapter enjoyable. :)

 

Aaaaaaand, once again I added a new chapter. Woah, I'm on a roll... it's the longest one yet! Enjoy Chapter 16, titled Traitors.

To be honest, all the chapters are great! I also liked the first chapter with Takanuva, feeling worried and concerned about the Toa Nuva and his friends. Will there be a chapter where the Toa Inika found the Toa Nuva? It would be a good story where the Inika rescued them and teamed up as 12 Toa. The Inika went ahead with their mission to search for the mask of life while the Nuva battled the Piraka. Or 12 Toa (Inika and Nuva) teamed up to take down the Piraka?


Edited by bohrokmaster, Jun 10 2013 - 02:57 AM.

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#31 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Jun 11 2013 - 08:00 AM

Glad to see you've enjoyed it so far! Yes, I do have plans for the Toa Nuva, and in the chapter I now posted, they are freed. They'll have a prominent role in the search for the mask of life, but you'll have to wait to see what. I bet it will surprise you. :)

 

New chapter added! The Toa Nuva are freed, but the Piraka are far ahead in the race for the mask of life...


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#32 Offline ToaDraconixMahvi

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Posted Jun 11 2013 - 03:07 PM

Nice twist. Last time the resistance saved them, not anyone else. Interestingly enough, AWESOME! is what i would say.
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#33 Online bohrokmaster

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Posted Jun 12 2013 - 09:51 AM

I hope the Toa Nuva and the Toa Inika won't turn against each other. :( Will Axonn aid the Toa in their Quest?


Edited by bohrokmaster, Jun 12 2013 - 09:53 AM.

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#34 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Jun 13 2013 - 01:59 PM

Thanks! There will be some switching sides in this new chapter, revealing Axonn's position in things as well. Check it out and enjoy! :)


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#35 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 14 2013 - 11:16 AM

Good chapter and stuff. I wonder what's coming, although you shouldn't have to tell us that out of story. :P Anyway, some typos. 

“Brutaka, tsk tsk”, Zaktan chuckled. “I thought you betraying us would make you the new owner of the mask of life… instead it seems you are getting a beating.

 Should be: 

“Brutaka, tsk tsk”, Zaktan chuckled. “I thought your betrayal of us would make you the new owner of the mask of life… instead it seems you are getting a beating."

 Missing end quote, and "you betraying us" doesn't sound right.  

Pohatu stepped up. “Hello everyone. I am Pohatu Nuva, Toa of stone. I have control over rock and, by the way, an awesome mask that lets me and everyone around me run at supers-peed to anywhere our feet can travel.

 Should be:

Pohatu stepped up. “Hello everyone. I am Pohatu Nuva, Toa of stone. I have control over rock and, by the way, an awesome mask that lets me and everyone around me run at super-speed to anywhere our feet can travel."

 Missing end quote, and "supers-peed" should be "super-speed".  Also, the Brutaka side-switch felt a bit fake. Not sure if that was intentional or not. Also, not sure why Thok would randomly have a shard rock nearby to rub his bonds on. The Toa should look for that stuff.


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#36 Offline Chronicler06

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Posted Jun 14 2013 - 03:48 PM

I really like where this epic is going. I could never come up with such an interesting plot as an alternative to the canon story, and I'm not just talking about the Toa Inika coming from a different group of Matoran. :)

 

I guess I should've pointed out this error earlier, but I noticed in chapter 16, you had Macku mention Matoro twice, and I'm pretty sure you intended to say Kopeke instead, so you might want to fix that.


Edited by Chronicler06, Jun 14 2013 - 03:48 PM.

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#37 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Jun 15 2013 - 04:30 AM

Thanks for the tips. The reason Kopeke did not notice the rocks was that he was in a hurry to get to the other Toa. Remember his conversation with Macku earlier?

 

Also, thanks for pointing out the thing with "Matoro"... I must've mixed them up cause I imagine the Chronicler's Company Inika to look the same as the original Toa Inika. :P

 

A new chapter is up! The race for the mask of life is on.


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#38 Offline Friar Tuck

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Posted Jun 19 2013 - 11:55 PM

[color=#8b4513;]Alright guys, busting out the [/color][color=#8b4513;]Epics Rules and Guidelines[/color][color=#8b4513;] here:[/color]

 

3) Criticism and praise in reviews must be constructive. Please refrain from posting generic replies like 'Do more!' or 'Keep up the good work!'. They are considered to be void of any meaning, and therefore are spam. Only saying "This was stupid!" or "Wow, this is awful." is also considered spam. Don't forget our zero tolerance for flaming and trolling, as well!

 

 

[color=#8b4513;]Not to pick on anyone, but example(s) include:[/color]

 

This is very interesting. You could probably be a writer for Lego.

 

 

[color=#8b4513;]Generic comments, including those from the writer itself, are highly discouraged and considered spam, and generally are removed. I understand wanting to give praise for someone's work, but it must be more meaningful and noteworthy than a one or two sentence comment - praise and criticism MUST BE WORTHWHILE, otherwise please don't post it at all. Please observe the spam rules put in place. Thank you everyone and TN... continue writing ;)[/color]

 

[color=#8b4513;]-FT[/color]


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#39 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Jul 09 2013 - 12:41 AM

I added a short chapter today, due to lack of time. I am going to write about the individual challenges of the Toa Inika for some time, but will combine them into one chapter in the end. Enjoy! :)


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#40 Offline Toatapio Nuva

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Posted Aug 03 2013 - 12:40 AM

The latest post has been edited with the full chapter!

 

EDIT: And I added a new one as well, to make up for my slow updates in the past weeks.


Edited by Toatapio Nuva, Aug 03 2013 - 08:29 AM.

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