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A Glimmer of Hope

FFFC Canister Ashore Faint Glimmer

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#1 Offline Captain Caboose

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Posted Mar 25 2013 - 08:50 PM

A Glimmer of Hope

 

We were for sure that we would have died that day, but we didn’t if it wasn’t for a faint glimmer of hope that arrived early that day. This is the story of me and my squad, and their mission that lead them to unexpectedly find a Toa. My name is Samora, a Matoran of Fire that wears a black Huna and is part of the scout team of the S.M.D.F. I have been told that I’m arrogant and make irrational decisions, but I never agreed with them until now. My team was made of me, Faron, Baols, and Lavol.

 

It was a cold winter day in Spherus Magna, and my team was urging for some action. Faron is an Earth Matoran that wears a dark purple Pakari and has a harsh deep voice, which sounds like metal against metal. Then the commanding general of Outpost 29 came to us and said, “Men, we have a new mission for you.” He handed me the intel. “Not too long ago, a caravan was heading out to Outpost 3 Alpha, when we suddenly lost contact from them. Thier last known location was near the Bay of Tranquility. I’m counting on you boys to bring back those men alive. No excuses.”

 

We headed out to the bay when Lavol asks, “What do you think happened to those guys?”

Lavol was our Vanguard who carried a disk launcher. He was a Ta-Matoran that wore a yellow Hau and his voice sounded like an ocean breeze.  I didn’t even have an answer for he said. We’ll all find out when we get to their location.

We arrived at the bay finding that the caravan was trashed. No one was there at all, except for a canister out on the shore. Baols spotted it first near one of the deceased men that was with the caravan. Baols was a Le-Matoran who rarely talked, but preferred doing so with firepower. He analyzed the canister to see if it had a way to open it. When he touched the center of the canister, to top flew open.

 

We readied our weapons for an attack. The smoke cleared and we finally saw what was inside. Inside the canister was a Toa, but not just any Toa. He was a Toa of Light. His yellow eyes opened and observed the area around him. He got out of the canister and his armor shined in the sunlight. We bowed down in respect to seeing such a mighty hero in these times.

 

“I am Laght, Toa of Light,” He said with a booming voice.

 

We knew that these Toa were a faint glimmer of hope in finally ending the war, but very few existed. Suddenly he heard movement in the distant trees ahead of us. Out came the retched Acid Bots that hid well in the thick bush of the forest. They fired out streams of acid at us; we dodged their attacks and fired away. But the only one who stood his ground was Laght.

Laght fired out beams of Light out of his hand. It blinded killed the bots instantly, breaking their eye and causing systems to fail. He then took out his staff, which looked like three thornax launcher parts put together to make his staff. He then fired a beam out from the staff, into the forest in front of us. Birds flew away as the light went through the trees. Then three Giant Bots came out armed and ready. He fought back hard, but they kept coming at us. Lavol fired disks at one’s face, and it soon falled. But the second one fired a blast at Lavol’s head and he fell back, his head no longer there.

 

Laght fired a beam of Light directly at the center of the Bot, which gave away to a gaping hole in the middle. But the last one was charged with ion cannon. It fired at Baols and killed him, reducing him to ash. Then it fired a charge at Laght, which he fell to the ground, not before firing a shot at it to the head. He lay there motion less. He yellow eyes masked but the sun hitting his gold Miru.

 

We buried him in the canister in which he came to us with. He saved our lives from an ambush that would have cost all of our lives. To this day his body lays in the canister that lay ashore on the Bay of Tranquility.


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#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Apr 05 2013 - 03:24 AM

I applaud the concept of using SM as the spot for the canister's arrival - something that many would not have thought of. Good work.  

[color=#080808;][font="'Times New Roman';"]We were for sure that we would have died that day, but we didn’t if it wasn’t for a faint glimmer of hope that arrived early that day.[/color][/font]

 This sentence is confusing. I think you meant to say : "We would have died for sure that day, if not for the glimmer of hope that arrived." 

[color=#080808;][font="'Times New Roman';"] My name is Samora, a Matoran of Fire that wears a black Huna and is part of the scout team of the S.M.D.F.[/color][/font]

Is the S.M.D.F the "Spherus Magnan Defense Force"? That could be a little clearer. 

[color=#080808;][font="'Times New Roman';"] I have been told that I’m arrogant and make irrational decisions, but I never agreed with them until now.[/color][/font]

I'm not sure what Samora's arrogant and irrational decision was here. It seems that the acid bots were to blame, not any action on Samora's part.

We headed out to the bay when Lavol asks, “What do you think happened to those guys?”

"Asks" should be "asked".

I didn’t even have an answer for he said. We’ll all find out when we get to their location.

Should be " I didn’t even have an answer for what he said. We would all find out when we got to their location."Alternatively, if the last sentence was supposed to be something Samora said, it should be in quotes.

When he touched the center of the canister, to top flew open.

Should be "When he touched the center of the canister, the top flew open."

 

He then took out his staff, which looked like three thornax launcher parts put together to make his staff.

"to make his staff" is a bit redundant; probably better as: "He then took out his staff, which looked like three thornax launcher parts put together."

 

We buried him in the canister in which he came to us with. He saved our lives from an ambush that would have cost all of our lives. To this day his body lays in the canister that lay ashore on the Bay of Tranquility.

I applaud the story of the Toa dying for Matoran he doesn't even know.You've done well here, just need to work on the sentence structures a bit, and make the moral of the story a bit clearer.


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#3 Offline Captain Caboose

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Posted Apr 06 2013 - 05:14 PM

Thanks, I have been told that before. I'm trying to make it better, but forget. Also it's Solis Magna Defense Force. You added an extra n in Magna.

 

It's good to have reviews from fellow writers.


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