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Further Into Darkness - Review Topic

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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Kylo Ren

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Posted Mar 30 2013 - 03:35 PM

Hello everyone. This is the place you can right your thoughts on my Epic. Be it comment or criticism, feel free to leave it. I went with first person for this one. This isnt something Ive done seriously before you I'd like to see how well I pulled it off.


Here is the Epic:http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=9214


Thank you though for reading.

Edited by Commander CeeCee, Mar 30 2013 - 03:55 PM.

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#2 Offline Chro

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Posted Mar 30 2013 - 04:16 PM

Looks nice so far. The writing isn't the best (in terms of some grammar and such), but it's certainly effective. I can also tell that the focus is not on that, but on the reality (or lack thereof, perhaps) that surrounds Kadis. Looking forward to reading more of this. :)

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#3 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Mar 30 2013 - 04:24 PM

Very intrigueing prologue it was well writen(At least in a Belgians opinion) and it really gets you interested in whats coming next. The way the Matoran describes space and the stars in incredibly well and the description of the Colony really lets you experience the lonely feel inside of it. The rest is good, Kadis has that cool personality you tend to give your characters and his lonelyness is well described. You know, give him a ring and he'd form the perfect Gollum. That "Gost" Intrigues me and lets me want to learn more about it. The only problem I think you're going to have in the future is the lack of dialogue/action due to the mack of other chars, but I think you'll find a good way to solve that. I look forward to reading more.
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I'm back!

#4 Offline Kylo Ren

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Posted Mar 30 2013 - 04:26 PM

Thanks for the feedback you two. Just want to say one thing 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]The only problem I think you're going to have in the future is the lack of dialogue/action due to the mack of other chars[/color]


Oh how wrong you are.

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#5 Offline Dragon.star

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Posted Apr 01 2013 - 10:13 AM

So, I finally read this. The story is really nice, especially when you were writing about the conversation between the two.
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#6 Offline Phantom Terror

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Posted May 04 2013 - 12:50 PM

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I used to look at the stars like distant heavens. Unreachable flickers of light that kept my hopes alive. All I could think about, all I could dream about was the stars. There was something magical about them. Tiny little candles that burned for an eternity.  Some Matoran would say they could predict the future or that they were the spirits of our fallen heroes, looking down upon us and protecting us from whatever evil came out way. But they weren’t any of that to me. They didn’t need to be. They were special enough of their own. See, they weren’t ghosts or prophecies to me, they were simply a dream. A dream that one say, I would soar past them, their radiant beauty reflecting off my body and infusing me with their aura of obscurity.[/font]

 Okay, first paragraph. The first grammatical error I spotted was redundancy. "Tiny" and "little" are synonyms. Therefore, they should not be used in succession with one another. If you are going to include multiple adjectives describing one noun, you would place a comma between them. I believe that you meant "Came outward". "Came out way" is an incomplete thought. If you are going to use those words, you should use them like this: "Came way out here". I also think that you meant "Special enough on their own". Finally (on the first paragraph). I believe that you meant to say "A dream that one would say that I would soar past them, their radiant beauty reflecting off of my body and infusing me with their aura of obscurity."


Now, of course, I know they are just balls light. They may all look unique, but really they’re all the same; just the same ball of light over and over again as this ship drifts through space. The planets may be pretty colours and have pretty patterns, but there all the same lump of rock. Fifteen years I’ve been lost up here, in this hunk of metal floating silently in the vacuum of space, with seemingly no escape from through the endless abyss of eternity: MAS: Colony.

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I call it a hunk of metal, the engineering that went into this machine is nothing under magnificent, but maybe boredom only increases my bluntness. I like to state facts, because there are many uncertainties that creep the floors on this ship.[/font]

Second paragraph: the grammatical errors that I noticed here were mainly word order as well. The first error is: "But there all the same lump of rock." Two things here.

  • improper use of "there". The form that you used is for indicating a location or beginning a statement. There are three different forms of "there". To indicate personal possession (their), begin a statement or indicate a location (there), and to indicate someone preforming an action or where someone is (they're). The third and final form is the one you should use here.
  • "Lump of rock". This statement is indicating that there is only ONE planet in the galaxy. This can easily be corrected by changing it to the plural form "Lumps of rock".

The second is "Fifteen years I've been lost up here, in this hunk of metal floating silently in the vacuum of space, with seemingly no escape from through the endless abyss of eternity: MAS: Colony." the first part (Fifteen years I've been lost up here) is a bit confusing to read. To make it easier, just rearrange the word order, like so: "I've been stuck up here for fifteen years". For the second part (, in this hunk of metal floating silently in the vacuum of space), all you need to do is take out the comma. Those two parts are fragments when you have them separated by a comma, but they are actually one complete thought. I would correct the word "colour". But I know that spelling differs from nation to nation.


From here on out, I'll just point out the grammatical errors. This is much to tiresome and I'm much too lazy to keep  doing the same thing for every paragraph.


[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]I couldn’t never quite remember the actual contents or the nightmare[/color]

I understand what you're saying here, but you wrote the opposite of what you're getting at. couldn't is a combination of "could" and "not". If you put a "not" after "couldn't", you end up with: "I could quite remember the actual contents..." Which doesn't make much sense. I believe that you mean "of the nightmare" here.

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;] Some nights I wouldn sleep right through without having a single one, and on some nights…[/color]

The first spelling error has reared its ugly head, and it has merged with a grammatical error as well! Oh no!


I believe that you mean "would" here. You would be redundant if you have "wouldn't" here. At the beginning, you should add a comma between "some nights" and "I".

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]I remember the night that I started to have these terrors[/color]

Simple fix here, just switch out "that" with "when".

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]Two years and two hundred and forty nine days today.[/color]

This bit is a little confusing. If you add "now" between "days" and "today". The reader will interpret much more clearly.

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]There were ten of us at one point. Now it was just me[/color]

 Again, a simple mistake that anyone makes. Switch the period out for a comma or semicolon.

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;] I place to eat, drink, wash and sleep. What else did I need? The was no point in going down to maintenance.[/color]

From the context that you are using here, I assume that you mean "place to eat". Or "I had/have a place to eat".

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]“Then by Mata Nui Ill make you”[/color]

I KNOW that you mean here. But you forgot the apostrophe for "I'll".

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]“Why even bother?”[/color]

Again, a bit confusing. To make it clearer, just take out the "even".

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]I realised the mistake immediately after the words left my lips, likr[/color]

Realized is misspelled here. As well as "like".

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]“Im dead”[/color]

Again, the forgotten apostrophe. Poor little guy. :( But we can't forget that little period that goes at the end of a quote.

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]Besides he had saved my life and I owed him for that[/color]

Here, all you need to do is place commas like this: "Besides, he had saved my, and I owed him for that."

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]My mission was long gone and therefore my purpose[/color]

Just place a comma like this: "My mission was gone, and therefore, my purpose."

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]but then after I while[/color]

I think that you mean "But then after while,"

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]realised[/color]

Again, a spelling error

[color=rgb(102,102,102);font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;]“I already you, there’s is nothing there”[/color]

I believe that you meant "I already told you, there's nothing there."


Overall, very nicely done. You defined Kadis very well and the story is well written. When will a new chapter be up?

Edited by Phantom Terror, May 04 2013 - 12:52 PM.

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