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Onua the invincible


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6 replies to this topic

#1 Offline VoxuChro

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Posted Apr 03 2013 - 07:19 PM

Ok i thought up of this after discovering i would be fighting  onua in the Technic coliseum topic. Minbd you Onua is the strongest in all stats current;y. So yeah just thought this would make a nice little story

 

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]You enter the arena. Across the field you a tunnel with a gate covering it. As the gate rises you hear a roar that sends chills down your spine.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]You feel the ground shake beneath your feet as a shadow, as dark as Teridax's soul, sweeps across the field. You look to find the source of this shadow and only see a A toa of earth.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]You look at his claws and then to his mask when you realize you now know the face of true power. [/color][/font]

 

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]His green eyes, as green as the Le-Wahi forest, cause your body to freeze, and as you try to move your body seems to disobey you as it remains stiff.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]A slight ripple in the ground gives warning to the sound of thunder, but this thunder emanates beneath your feet. As claws rip free from the ground and wrap around your ankles, pulling you under.,you realize that the figure who you had been looking at has morphed into a replica of you. You see the expression on their face, you now know what true fear is.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]With your last glimpse of the sky, before you're dragged under, you think to yourself[/color][/font]

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]' [/color][/font][color=#ff0000;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]I WONDER HOW IT FEELS TO REST FOREVER IN THE DARKNESS[/color][/font][color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]?'[/color][/font]

 

 

I hope you all like it. Also any suggestion or comments are welcome

 

 

EDIT: Ok upon sumiki's suggestions i have fixed some of the issues with this story


Edited by Vox The Shadow of Reality, Apr 03 2013 - 10:18 PM.

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BZPRPG CHARACTERS

Syvra-Tivanu-Vrina-Voulge-Kidona-Chivinix-Celis-Darvin-Draeverian 'DJ'-

aQ85UI0.png

"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."


#2 Offline Canis Lycaon

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Posted Apr 03 2013 - 07:36 PM

I liked it, especially as how I totally understand the subject matter. Onua is way too powerful. It was short, and very good.


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I used to have a banner here.

 

But that RPG is dead.

 

What now?


#3 Offline Jebraltar

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Posted Apr 03 2013 - 08:10 PM

It was pretty cool, I can totally picture it in full detail.


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#4 Offline VoxuChro

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Posted Apr 03 2013 - 08:40 PM

I liked it, especially as how I totally understand the subject matter. Onua is way too powerful. It was short, and very good.

Lol well i am glad you like it. It is just something that popped in my head and i elaborated on it.

And yeah onua is way to powerful. Funny thing is kopaka is the next strongest in the Technic coliseum. Only reason Kopaka made it into the second round of the finals is because Onua never did post their strategy

 

It was pretty cool, I can totally picture it in full detail.

That was my goal. I wanted to include enough detail but not too much.


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BZPRPG CHARACTERS

Syvra-Tivanu-Vrina-Voulge-Kidona-Chivinix-Celis-Darvin-Draeverian 'DJ'-

aQ85UI0.png

"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."


#5 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Apr 03 2013 - 09:23 PM

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]You enter the arena. Across the field you a a tunnel with a gate covering it. as the gate rises you here a roar that sends chills down your spine.[/color][/font]

[font="Palatino;"]First off: second person is underused and I'm glad to see you're taking advantage of it here. I don't think you meant to repeat "a" before "tunnel," though. "As" should be capitalized in the third sentence and "here" should be "hear."[/font]

 

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]You feel the ground shake beneath your feet as a shadow, as dark as teridax's souls, sweeps across the field. You look to find the source of this shadow and only see a A toa of earth.[/color][/font]

[font="Palatino;"]"Teridax" is a proper name and should be capitalized - though I'm wondering why he has multiple souls. "A" in the second sentence should not be capitalized.[/font]

 

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]You look at his claws and then to his mask, It is then you know the face of true power. His green eyes, as green as the Le-Wahi forest, cause your body to freeze, you try to move but your body disobeys you.[/color][/font]

[font="Palatino;"]I would reword these sentences into two each.[/font]

 

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]A slight ripple in the ground gives warning to the sound of thunder, but this thunder emanates beneath your feet. As claws rip free from the ground and wrap around your ankles, pulling you under. You realize as your being pulled under that the figure who you had been looking at has morphed into a replica of you. You see the expression on their face, You now know what true fear is.[/color][/font]

[font="Palatino;"]"As claws" to "replica of you" should be one sentence, and repetitive statements between them can be removed. "You" in the middle of the last sentence shouldn't be capitalized.[/font]

 

[color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]With your last glimpse of the sky, before your dragged under, you think to yourself[/color][/font][color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]' [/color][/font][color=#ff0000;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]I WONDER HOW IT FEELS TO REST FOREVER IN THE DARKNESS[/color][/font][color=#808080;][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]?'[/color][/font]

[font="Palatino;"]"Your dragged" should be "you're dragged" here.[/font][font="Palatino;"]All in all, aside from a few grammatical errors, I got a real sense of story out of this. I really think you could expand this into something really good if you further explored the feelings of the protagonist in real-time.[/font]


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#6 Offline Noise #0579

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Posted Apr 04 2013 - 04:18 PM

A nice glimpse at how matches look from the fighter's viewpoint!  To be honest, even I get a feeling of dread when looking over some tournament match-ups. :P For the unfamiliar, revealing that Onua is the opponent may throw them off--being a Toa, he's expected to show some restraint.  They must be shocked when Onua pulls the narrator down to his death.  Matches can get so violent sometimes...


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#7 Offline VoxuChro

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Posted Apr 04 2013 - 04:20 PM

A nice glimpse at how matches look from the fighter's viewpoint!  To be honest, even I get a feeling of dread when looking over some tournament match-ups. :P For the unfamiliar, revealing that Onua is the opponent may throw them off--being a Toa, he's expected to show some restraint.  They must be shocked when Onua pulls the narrator down to his death.  Matches can get so violent sometimes...

Yes they should be surprised. But i am glad you like it. It was just something my mind thought of when i found out kopaka would be fighting onua


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BZPRPG CHARACTERS

Syvra-Tivanu-Vrina-Voulge-Kidona-Chivinix-Celis-Darvin-Draeverian 'DJ'-

aQ85UI0.png

"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."





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