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Review: Parallels


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#1 Offline Lord Koji

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 01:00 PM

Review
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#2 Offline Cederak

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 08:00 PM

This is a great story, though I must say, your opening had me cringing. A bit of information overload is all. Maybe try:"Toa Veran felt his anger rising, a white hot intensity like the plasma he wielded. "Xalcak!" The source of the Toa team leader's rage walked away, out of view thanks to the mountain ridge he stood upon." Just a suggestion, feel free to restructure (or leave it) any way you like.

Strievers weren’t too hard to defeat – once defeated, they vanished into a poof of smoke – but they were difficult to fight.

Not hard to defeat, but difficult to fight? Sounds like they're a challenge, but once exhausted, are no longer a problem. Right? I ran across some similar issues throughout the chapter, but those issues aside, I really like this epic. The characters feel solid and have a good sense of who they are. I would have mentioned having a problem with the constant back and forth between the past and future scenes, but given this epic's title, I assume you're leading up through a series of similarities that will culminate in something big. Looking forward to more! -Ced

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#3 Offline Lord Koji

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 08:51 PM

I'm just going to point out, I wrote this entire epic in about two weeks, just trying to hammer out a story to flesh out my corner of the C.I.R.C.L.E. universe, and my writing has improved very much since. Opening scene is basically a result of my old skills. Not hard to defeat; difficult to fight. As in, you'd have a hard fight, but it doesn't take too many hits to eliminate one. The time jumps play an important role. It is part of the title, hence both Hark and Seig (future) having the same line, for instance. Island Defense in the past, and the new force in the present (which, either chapter 1 or 2 says, is made of mostly Island defense members). The Strievers are also a part of the point of the parallel storylines. Yuli and Ryza as well, with how they grow from Matoran to Toa (roughly), and Seig's change from rookie to leader, along with Raiz's from berserker to calm, composed warrior. As I recall, if something happens in the past, something similar is also occurring in the present, pertaining to the same thing. Though I think that slowly changes, as both story arcs start to reach their climaxes (then again, still parallels; both are reaching them at the same time, roughly). I'm going to just admit now; the story is probably best at the start, weakens towards five to seven, I think eight was good, and then it's shaky the rest of the way. I realized too late that fifteen was too many chapters for my story, and I had nothing else to add, for the most part.
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